


I Have You [Carl Grimes x Reader]

by misho



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Romance, essentially you're carl's old childhood friend, super short right now forgive me, whoops, you're emo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-06-17 02:37:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 89,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15451512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misho/pseuds/misho
Summary: You were 12 when it all happened. Time went by so fast, you nearly lost track of it all, if it weren't for your constant reminder to keep going. You suffered a lot, living in Georgia, going to school, and getting separated from your mom early on, and you were dedicated to find her- to which you did, but not how you wanted to.Time flies when you're alone, but that won't last long.





	1. Prologue

You weren't certain of the days or weeks, but you were at least keeping up with the months. It was funny, almost, every day when you were just a tot, you'd keep track of every minute of every day. But, you had a valid reason, since you were just twelve and had to keep an eye on it all because of school. You knew your birthday, friend's birthdays, events, weekends, summer break, all of it. Now, you felt like you hadn't a clue of any of it, but a part of you held onto birthdays of old familiar faces.

Like, August, you knew when that month was, and how many people had that birthday. May, March, June, December, all of the months had some sort of special occasion for you. As sort of a bitter reminder, you would always tell yourself who was turning older that month, and it wrenched at your heart every single time you thought about your old life.

Sighing, you stopped, looking at your messy map, scribbled on by none other than you. You had taken a break recently, had you not? So, why were you stopping this particular time? Easy, you were lost. What state were you in, Virginia? It seemed foreign, untouched, and made you entirely on edge.

As a short explanation, you were completely alone. You had lost the one person close to you, and nothing else had mattered. Yet, you kept trudging along, hoping that maybe, you'd be able to keep going on. You sighed, sitting down against a tree trunk, slumping and rubbing your temples as if your world was falling apart.

This was a common thing for you.

Falling apart, losing every inch of hope, until you managed to stand on your two feet and force yourself to keep going. You had to, you had to keep walking, fighting, knowing your mother wanted you to.

You hadn't spoken in months, made any sounds, it was just normal to hear the pretty sounds of nature instead. No- the world wasn't silent for you- you just listened better. Besides, there was no need to talk, not when you were completely by yourself, praying for a better day. You sighed, looking at the pretty ring placed on your ring finger, and you admired it only for a short time, before you stood back up, placing your bag tightly against your shoulder and continuing to walk.

Most of the days, you spent sleeping in tries, typing yourself with rope to make sure you wouldn't fall. It was a smart maneuver, but fighting away the nightmares was another thing that you had to do. For months, you'd been having certain nightmares about certain things, and you just wished you could remember the years before everything went to shit.

You wanted to remember those mornings with your mother, since your father left when you were a small little girl. You wanted to remember her warm face when she woke you up for school in the morning, when she cooked breakfast for you, took you to school on rainy days, let you play at the park on the weekends, helped you with your homework. You wanted to remember her eyes, and how much love they were filled with every time they landed on you. The way she'd make that face when she was trying to think, or when she'd scratch her head when she eyed your math problems, when she puffed up her cheeks before laughing, when she was alive-

You jerked awake, hearing cicadas blare in your ears. You sighed, almost inaudible from how little you've used your voice, and you glanced around at your surroundings. Yet again, tied to a tree, and trying to sleep. Although, the dream you just had, was so sweet, warm, and endearing. You felt the sickly cozy embrace of her arms, you smelled her plumeria perfume, you felt her cold jewelry, you knew she was there. But, why had she visited you at this time? It was long after her death, long after you saw her. What triggered those thoughts of her, and why now?

Why now? That had to be a sign, right? You still desperately believed in signs, not essentially sent by God, but by the ones you've lost over time. You didn't believe in God, not anymore. You felt like a chess piece on his gameboard, ready to be overtaken by another pawn at any given moment. You untied yourself, since you were clearly not going to get any more sleep, and you felt the dirt caked on your skin, and how unbearably uncomfortable it made you. Swiping away your greasy hair, you pulled it out of your face as you carefully balanced on the branch, quickly hopping to another sturdy tree with ease.

Right, over time, you had taken the liberty to learn how to climb trees. It was difficult at first, resulting in multiple failures and large bruises, but it was worth it when escaping a herd of the dead ones. Most often, you'd take the time to learn balance, and it was nice to just practice walking on the thin coiling branches of healthy trees.

But, with the skill to climb trees, came a sudden wave of terror. Instead of fighting the dead, you'd run away, hide, and just sit there and hope for a way of survival. It wasn't the bravest, but you weren't the brave type. You had to fend for yourself for four years, fleeing from the dead, and trying to find food. When you were twelve, the outbreak began, you were separated from your mother, you lost all hope, but you lived. Hard to believe, but you really did hole yourself up at your house for months, rationing the food like some food-depraved animal. You were perfectly safe from the dead, but when someone would come knocking, you ran out the back door.

Now, you were travelling by trees. Not the safest, to be honest, but you were happy the way you were. By this point, you'd come to terms that everyone you once knew was dead. You didn't bother anymore with pointless birthdays, you didn't torture yourself with thoughts of the past. You had to now think of the present.

"-Urgh!" You heard, and suddenly, you ducked down, placing your palms against a tree trunk, and trying to peer through the leaves. You saw a figure down below, in the hazy sunrise, and saw three dead ones surround him. He was obviously struggling to keep them away, not having a gun handy. Well, it was rather smart, shooting a gun would just simply draw more of them closer. You nearly contemplated moving on, but a part of your gut twisted in regret, and you sighed, drawing your dagger. As much as you hated fighting, you had to help the poor guy.

Dropping to a lower tree branch, you were finally able to hit the ground without taking any damage, so you lurched forward off the branch, pushing with your steel-toed boots, and came to a clean roll on top of the leaves. The guy seemed startled, but you hopped back up, racing up to one of the dead ones, kicking him in the shin and causing him to flail down onto the ground, before you smashed his head in with your other boot. Turning to the other two, he fought one, sliding his blade into it's skull, before you attacked the last one from behind, allowing it to fall limp as you wiped your blade on your baggy jeans.

The guy panted, and he nearly fell over, placing his hands on his knees, and breathing heavily. You turned to him, looking at his stupid hat, until he straightened his spine, facing you now.

"Thank you," is all he managed to breathe out, but you felt a familiar sense wash over you. The boy was obviously your age, but how did you know him? You knew him, right? Yes, you did, without a doubt. Well, kind of with a doubt, you were still swaying with uncertainty. You didn't even think to reply, it wasn't a natural instinct that came to you yet.

"Ah," you swallowed, your throat raspy and dry. Clearing it quietly, your eyes met his and you racked through the endless thoughts in your mind, trying to figure out from where you've seen him. It wasn't a dead one, nor a celebrity, but... someone personal.

"Hey, are you alright?" He asked you, noticing your undeniable silence. You tried to lick your lips to wet them, but nothing came out. By now, he must've known something was up, and he rummaged around in his small backpack, holding something out to you that was unmistakable. A pristine bottle of water, shining in all of it's glory. You snatched it from his fingertips, downing it all in a mere amount of seconds, and you coughed, having felt some water go down your lung pipe. You wiped your mouth with your sleeve, staring back at him again.

Then, you knew. You knew those eyes with your entire heart, like a hidden puzzle piece finally coming into show. You stepped forward, looking at his eyes, and you tilted up his hat, which he didn't seem to mind. You saw his small freckles, his lips, his _eyes_ his hair, and all of it made sense.

"Carl." You drawled out the name, feeling it roll off of your tongue smoothly as if it just belonged to be there in the first place. He blinked, and his eyes blew up wide. "Carl?" You asked again, your voice lilting. Both of his eyes kept bouncing back and forth between yours, and you felt a spark of recognition and hope. "Carl Grimes. Oh- oh... my God..."

"Y-You know me?" He spoke, as if he were the most surprised person ever. You felt an urge to hug him, but you didn't want to alarm him, so you stood stagnant for the time being.

"I'm... Y/N! Remember me? I can't fucking believe it's really you, it's you Carl! You're the reason... you're..."

"Y/N?" He repeated, looking unsure for a moment. You rose your eyebrows, searching his expression for an answer. "Y/N L/N."

"Yes!" You jumped, taking both of his hands enveloped in yours. "You remember me!"

"Wait- that's not... possible... is it?"

"Carl, we used to go to middle school together. We used to be best friends and play all the time on the playgrounds. And, in elementary, you'd make mud pies with me behind the building. We- We'd play freeze tag and our moms were best friends! Lori would take you to my house so she could hang out with my mom, and we'd run around in my back yard." You said, shaking violently, and feeling hot tears roll down your cheeks. Carl just looked shocked, until he nodded, with a giant grin on his face.

"I can't believe you found me." Carl said, and you suddenly hugged him, unable to hold back the urge. He wrapped his arms tightly around you, and it was very similar to that the one you felt earlier in your dream. It was warm, pleasant, hell, he even smelled good. You knew that you were dirty and gross, but you just needed this more than anything in the world.

And from that point on, you knew, your mother was there. The reason she gave you that dream, was for Carl, the reason she pushed you to keep going, why you held that gun between your teeth and didn't budge the trigger, why you felt a sliver of hope.

You wouldn't let it leave you this time. Because, if it did, you'd never be able to get it back.


	2. Chapter 1

You repeatedly stabbed the log you sat on, feeling the dull blade sink easily into the rotting wood. You were next to Carl, who was staring off in space, and you felt a smile creep on your lips again. You finally had someone, someone you knew. Although the cold night air made you shiver, you still felt the warmth from his previous hug. Carl told you what had happened, his experiences and whatnot, and that he had a community you could be apart of. No longer would you run for your life daily, no longer would you feel threatened or hurt, you were given another chance, and you didn't hesitate to take it.

"So, what about you?" Carl asked, snapping you out of your thoughts. You hummed, rolling your head around, not sure if you felt comfortable talking about your past.

"Well..." You exhaled through your gritted teeth, knowing the story would be too long to tell, but you knew you could probably sum it up rather easily.

"It was the last day of school, you know the one. Students were being called home early, but I rode the bus, since my mother had a really tight schedule. So, I get home, and nobody's home, and I'm getting worried. There's gunshots, screaming, everything happening outside, and so I just hid in a closet. I waited for months. My mom never came for me. She had always told me to go to New Jersey if we got separated, told me to keep the address close to my heart. Over the years, I made my way there, with many obstacles. I was coming back from Jersey when I met you."

"It took you four years to travel to New Jersey and go back to Virginia?" Carl asked with raised eyebrows. You shrugged, biting your lip, feeling memories wash up at the back of your mind like they were rising back from the dead. You tried so hard to keep them submerged beneath all of the other happier thoughts, but this time, they came without a notice.

"Yeah, well, lots of shit happened."

"Do you... want to talk about it?"

"No."

The two of you went quiet. You felt bad for shutting him out, but you grew so much as a person and so had he. It was sort of awkward, you knew who he was, but he felt almost like a stranger now that you looked at him four years later. He used to be bright, happy, always knew how to do the right thing. Now, at closer examination, he looked rugged, his eyes were saddened, and his composure was stiff, he held himself with a lot of might. You hardly knew of this, but he thought the same way about you.

Carl kept stealing glances at you, mostly because you looked like you had been through absolute Hell. Your s/c skin was caked and layered with dirt, slime, and dried blood. Your hair was stuck against your head, coagulated with grease and dandruff that caused your hair to fall not in strands, but clumps. But, your eyes, they were the one thing that looked strikingly similar to that when you were just twelve. Your clothes were baggy, tattered, and obviously you stunk to high Heaven, but he still wrapped his arm tightly around you in a close hug.

"If you need to, you can. All of us have been through the worst things, and it's so unbelievable you've been alone for most of it."

"When did you turn into such a gentleman?" You joked lightly, but he didn't laugh, causing your stomach to sink.

"I just know what you're going through. M-Maybe not exactly, hah," he poked at his collar, tugging on it to relieve a bit of the tension, "but I understand. I lost my mom a couple years ago. I'm lucky enough to have my dad, and even my little sister."

"You have a little sister," You breathed happily, your eyes glazed over with joy. "that's so wonderful... but... I'm sorry about Lori."

"It's alright. After she died, everything came spiraling downward. My dad went into this crazed depression, I tried to act like an adult, even. I wanted to be there, be strong, for the people around me, and it hurt so much to suppress that pain."

"I understand." You looked at the ring on your finger, and so did he. He raised an eyebrow, but you waved your head side to side in a _no_ motion. "It was my mother's wedding ring. Despite dad not being there, she always wore it. I guess she just didn't want to move on."

"What... happened to her?"

You couldn't face him, not after that question. You knew his eyes were burning into you, but you couldn't look up at him, no matter what. You tried to hold back your tears, and you felt your own throat tighten with guilt. What would you say to him? You reminded yourself that holding back the tears wasn't a good idea, but it was your choice, so you swallowed heavily, and glanced away into the dark woods.

"We should get going, to your community, what did you call it?"

"Alexandria. I think you'll like it there, it's really peaceful." He stood up, off the log, and you took your things, holding them closely. He walked along a path that was now starting to turn red and gold from the sun's glistening rays over the tree line. You followed closely behind him, feeling a bit uneasy as you thought about becoming apart of a community for the first time in four years, but you pushed that nausea aside, trying to replace it with untampered excitement.

It took only a five minute walk, and there were no dead ones lumbering around, so you quickly walked with him, and he was met with a large metal gate. He glanced up at the guard, who held their gun close, and nodded to them. The person looked hesitant, but nodded in return, and the gate creaked open loudly. The two of you entered, and the gates closed. Not a moment later, a sweaty brunet with curly hair approaching the two of you, with a very aggressive composure.

"Carl, where the Hell were you?"

"I know you're not going to like it, but I was just taking a walk in the woods."

"By yourself?" The man almost sounded like he was pleading, gripping Carl's shoulder tightly with his big burly hands. Carl nodded, visible droplets of sweat rolling down the side of his face as he gestured to you. The man looked at you, and you felt chills roll down your spine, but when you saw his eyes, they were the exact same as Carl's. Realization struck you, that must be Rick. His hazy eyes were small and full of distrust, but you rose your hands up.

"Dad, do you remember her?"

"Carl-" you began, but he cut you off by waving. Rick looked at you with his stormy blue eyes, obviously troubled by his son's absence, but now more worried at your presence. You could see the gears of his mind turning as he tried to dig up some lost remnant of you, but you knew he'd never get it, so you coughed to tug him back into reality.

"Y/N." You said quietly.

"Y/N L/N?" Rick said, frowning, and you nodded to him. He stood still for only a few short moments before exhaling loudly, bringing you into a deep hug. You felt uncomfortable with it, since he was sort of an unfamiliar figure in your life, but you wrapped your arms around him in return, hoping that maybe he wouldn't do this very often. "How?" He breathed heavily as he pulled away from you, as if he just ran a marathon.

"You should've seen it, Dad," Carl began, a smile erupting on his face. A couple of others that you didn't know had drew closer, examining you with disapproving eyes. "I was getting ganged up on by three walkers, and she comes barreling out of the tree and beating down on them. She _saved my life._ "

"Rick," You addressed, "I... I've been through so much. I can't live another day out there in- in those woods. You've got to let me stay here, please, God, I..."

"Go ahead." He agreed without hesitation. You felt vulnerable and desperate as you pleaded, but you knew you couldn't pass up this opportunity for survival. You smiled, sighing relief, and you slouched with ease. "We have some empty houses-"

"No." You said quickly. "I..."

Trailing away, you hadn't a clue what to say. What would you tell him, you didn't want to be _alone_? A small crowd gathered around the three of you, and you felt anxiety bubble up in the pit of your stomach. You knew these people were alive, but your guard wasn't letting down. Every face you saw, you managed to get a little on edge as you began to think they were the dead ones- er, walkers- and you gripped your fingers into a fist.

Being alone was one thing you couldn't handle any longer, it was like a plague that consistently poisoned your thoughts. You hadn't spoken in months, nor been around so many alive people in so long. And all the while you wanted to get out of this group, you didn't want to be completely by yourself. So, who? Who was it that you wanted to be with? You looked up at Carl, and his eyes met yours.

You knew that, for some reason, he was an answer. He was your sign to keep living, striving, and moving forward for a better future. Your mom led you to him, and he was quite likely the only person you cared about here. Rick said your name, snapping you into reality, and you stared at him for a good solid couple of seconds before he addressed your name yet again. You suddenly heard the whole world come into play, the summer cicadas, the buzz of people speaking lowly, and you felt a sudden urge to speak, but nothing could come out just yet. Licking your lips, you finally began to reply.

"Rick, I don't mean to be a bother," You said, leaning awfully close to his ear so that the others around you wouldn't eavesdrop, "but I really can't be alone anymore. I think I'd rather stay with you. You're the only people I know here."

You leaned back, and he took a few moments to process what you said, and he nodded in understanding before turning to face the crowd around you. He waved them off, like they were buzzards. "We'll do introductions later, let 'er clean up." As he finished, he began walking, and the people parted. You began to wonder if Rick was the leader of Alexandria, and what he did to accomplish said social status. As he headed down the street, it was all quiet, and Carl followed close in pursuit.

"Y/N." Rick said, not turning to look at you as you followed him closely. "How many walkers have you killed?"

Ah, for that, you weren't certain. There was only a select amount of dead ones that you had put to final rest, since you spent most of your life hiding from them instead of hunting them. You shoved your hands in your pockets, your footsteps heavy and slow. "I'm not sure, a couple dozens."

"How many people have you killed?" He then asked, and you felt your blood run cold. You knew the difference between the dead and the living, but you didn't want to answer that, like, _reaaallyy_ didn't want to. The question itched at the back of your throat, and you forced the answer out.

"I'd say about eight."

"Why?"

God, what was this, a mad libs? You rolled your eyes, knowing that the answer was far too obscene to state, but you had to answer Rick and abide by his rules, you were in his territory now.

"They hurt me, and many others."

"Welcome to Alexandria. Just for the safety of my people," Rick stopped at the porch of a house, turning on his heel to look you in the eyes, "please turn over your weapons."

"Dad." Carl said with an annoyed voice.

"Carl, I know she's your childhood friend, but we haven't seen her for four years straight. She may have been your best friend, but right now, we hardly know a thing about her. Think about the others in the community who might feel unsafe with a stranger walking around with weapons on her."

"It's fine, really." You agreed, pulling your knife out from it's sheath and then handing him the handle of your revolver. He examined it, nodding, and then placed them somewhere behind him where you couldn't see.

"Carl, show her around, I've got business to deal with." Rick said, before patting him on the shoulder and hopping down the steps, trotting off somewhere behind another building. You glanced at the yellow door, and Carl nodded forward, turning the knob and walking in, leading the way inside the house. It looked clean, untouched from the world outside the walls, and perfect. You felt safe, finally, and you were glad to have Carl by your side. He walked up the stairs, showing you to the bathroom first.

"Here, take a shower, don't worry about hot water. I'll go get you some clothes, will you be okay by yourself here?" He looked at you, and you nodded to him, before he gave you a half-assed smile and walked out, shutting the bathroom door and enclosing you in here. You looked around the bathroom, smelling the sweet scent of recently washed towels. But, you saw a frightening sight, and you pressed your back quickly against the wall as you looked at yourself in the mirror. Good _lord_ , you absolutely looked terrible. You picked at the dirt and flakes on your skin, and you rubbed your oily hair between your index and thumb, sighing. Great, the first time you saw Carl again, you looked like you rolled around in pig shit.

Well, you suppose a shower would be nice. Walking over to the shower, you learned which way the knobs turned, and water sprouted out from the shower head, wetting your arm. You basked in the fresh feeling for a few moments before you began stripping yourself of clothes. God, you really did look awful. Luckily, you were having a nice little shower. Stepping in, you felt the hot water steam against your skin, and you loved every part of it. Using a loofah, you scrubbed vigorously at your skin until you could actually see the color of it again. You lathered your hair in shampoo and conditioner, laughing in the shower, and swaying your hips as you sung gently with joy- real joy, for the first time in years.

When you felt satisfied, you stepped out of the shower, rubbing yourself down with a towel, and you glanced in the mirror again, smiling warmly to your reflection. You still looked at your little flaws, but you loved yourself more than you had ever before. You actually took the time to shave, then you moisturized your entire body, pulling your hair into a tight bun, as you emerged from the bathroom in nothing but your towel. Looking around, you didn't see any clothes, or Carl.

"Carl?"

No response.

Ah, whatever. You decided to explore a bit, looking around and opening doors to different rooms. You saw a large bedroom with two people's belongings, which was most likely Rick's, but who else's? You saw a bra laying on top of a hamper and you frowned. Didn't Carl say that Lori passed away? Rick must've moved on, which dampened your spirit, but you shut the door without saying anything and continued on. Next room, looked like a small bedroom for a teenage boy. It had childish things, comic books, and even action figures laying about in a messy fashion. You smiled to yourself, walking in, and looking around.

"Y/N?" Asked a voice, and you jerked, whirling around to face Carl in the doorway, holding some clothes in his hands.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry for snooping around. I just finished before you came, and I... I was looking around."

"That's fine." He said in his deep voice, causing you to bite your lip and look down. "Sorry I took awhile, these were the only clothes that would fit you."

"Right..." You glanced down at your skinny figure. You were definitely small, from lack of eating food. You remembered you hadn't eaten in a week, and your stomach rumbled loudly to remind your constant hunger pains. He stood awkwardly in the door, and then shuffled to the side, walking across the hall, and opening a door.

"This is your room. Get dressed and come into the living room and I'll walk you around."

"Thanks, Carl." You said, walking into the room opposite of his, turning to take the floral patterned cloth off of his hands, but you noticed as you picked it up, the bra he held for you was definitely way too big. You frowned, looking up at him, and you noticed his eyes darted away from yours. "Uh..."

"What is it?"

"This isn't going to fit me."

"Oh." He simply replied, but you took it anyway, to spare the poor boy.

"It's okay, just... wait downstairs. I'll get dressed."

He nodded, and you shut the door quickly, sighing in relief. Why were you so freaked out over Carl? And he seemed to be the same way, but you just assumed all teen virgin boys acted like a hot mess around a teen girl. You set the clothes down on your bed, unwrapped the towel, and began to get dressed. You decided against wearing the bra, knowing that it didn't really matter, since the dress you were handed was a bit tight around the chest area. But, it fit rather nicely, so you admired yourself in your body mirror before putting on new socks and your steel-toed boots and heading downstairs to join Carl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so I'm rewatching the entire series with a friend, and we're nowhere near the part with Alexandria, so I might stall and stray from the storyline for a bit until I can finally catch up and remember what happens and when it does. For now, it's just exposition for you and Carl!! <3


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a long explanation at the end of this chapter about my absence.

"You look, amazing." Carl said, at a loss for words. You rolled your eyes in amusement, walking closer to him. You finally felt at peace, but you also could ignore the vulnerability of how bare you were without your weapons. And, not to mention, your revealing clothes. You understand that maybe they don't have anything that would fit you, but a part of you enjoyed embracing your feminine side. It was quite funnily ironic, too, how you were wearing a skirt during the literal end of the world. It felt like you were giving a big middle finger to all that's happened to you so far. "Here, eat." He broke into your thoughts, handing you a sandwich. You blinked with big eyes and happily took it, biting ravenously into it as he walked you outside into the hot sun yet again.

"Oh, Michonne." Carl said, looking at the beautiful dark woman with ebony eyes. She held a pretty baby in her arms, bouncing her on her knee, and the girl seemed to take notice to Carl, smiling widely at him. She didn't say anything, but you figured this girl was his little sister. "Meet Y/N. Y/N, that's Michonne and Judith."

"Hi, Judith." You smiled down at the girl, and she giggled toward you. If she had seen you just an hour ago, she'd probably scream and cry. You looked like a swamp monster, quite literally. "And, hello, Michonne. It's nice to meet you."

"You too." She smiled, but it looked a bit fake to you. You blinked, realizing she must be the woman rooming with Rick, but you didn't want to barge into their personal lives, so you tightened your lips and kept it into a smile as Carl led you away from the porch. Walking around, he kept pointing out buildings and people. You repeated their names out loud to remember them better, and people seemed very kind to you.

All you had to do was pretend you were kind back. In reality, you didn't care about any of these people, they were all just empty husks for you. People that, if they died, you wouldn't mind. And you wanted it to stay that way, for as long as you stayed in Alexandria. After the grand tour with Carl, he walked around with you for a little bit, explainging his whole situation ever since the world went to shit. You listened intently, although your train of thought was interrupted ever so rudely by a girl's ringing voice.

"Carl!"

You looked around in utter confusion, and saw a brown-haired girl approach Carl and you. She kept her eyes trained on him, but when they flickered to you, you couldn't help but notice how your heart twisted up.

"Hey, Enid. How are you?"

"You were out on a walk again? You could get yourself killed that way."

"Yeah, I get it, I already got an earful from my dad." Carl crossed his arms, clearly disliking being told off. "What do you want?"

"I heard you brought someone in." Enid said, looking at you now, paying full attention to you. She glanced at your dress as if she was disgusted, to which you frowned even further at. What was she scowling at? You felt your hand subconsciously lead to your skirt, toying with the hem. Despite having working showers and a plausible home, Enid had matted hair and dirt caked on her fair skin. You had to remember the itching feeling of all the dirt. You wanted to scrape at your arms, but you kept them idle by your sides.

"Yeah, Enid, this is Y/N." Carl addressed, motioning toward you. Placing your hands on your waist, you returned the glare she was giving to you.

"Hey." You simply said, and she nodded, looking back to Carl.

"Carl!" Called out an elderly voice, and you saw a small woman storm towards the three of you. Enid quickly cheesed it out of there, taking the small interruption to disappear behind a nearby building. Carl looked a little nervous, shoving his hands into his pockets. The woman finally reached the two of you, her arms crossed defensively. She wore comfortably classy clothes, yet her demeanor was quite the opposite.

"Deanna," Carl bit his lip, "I know-"

" _No,_ listen. You and your father knew that I was out checking nearby water supply, yet the two of you insisted playing leader and allowing a stranger in here."

"But, I _know_ her. We used to be best friends back before everything happened." Carl said in his defense.

"You really don't know her. It's been, what, four years since the last time you two saw each other?"

"She's a safe person!"

"You're aware that we must observe outsiders before we take them in."

"I did." Carl suddenly snapped, just as Rick was approaching from across the road. "I may not have spied on her for weeks, but I know for a fact she isn't a problem."

"Carl," Rick said, placing his hand on his son's shoulder, "don't argue."

"Wh-- She's saying that Y/N isn't fit to be here!" Carl said, turning to his father with an upset expression. Deanna pointed an accusing finger to Rick, her eyes narrowing now.

"And you!" Deanna spat, causing Rick to blink. "You think you can rule over my community when I'm just not here? Don't put all the blame on your son, you collectively decided for this."

"What do you want from me?" You asked, barging into the conversation. You felt rage bubble up in your gut, feeling like a literal item that three toddlers were fighting over. "I've done everything they asked, even gave up my weapons. Carl's watching me almost 24/7, I have absolutely no alone time! And if you even think that Carl doesn't know me, lady, you're wrong."

There was a sudden silence. Nobody spoke, nobody even dared to. It wasn't awkward, no, it was just... shock. You could feel the surprise radiate off of Deanna, Rick, and Carl all together. You swallowed heavily, biting the inside of your cheek. Maybe you shouldn't have said that.

"Alright." Deanna said, easing her posture. "But I will require to see you later this afternoon, for an interview."

And just like that, in a couple confident strides, she walked off. Rick stood there, exchanging glances with Carl and then you, then walking after her. Carl exhaled loudly, as if a giant weight was lifted off of his chest and shoulders.

"Anyways," Carl said, looking at you. "I'm sorry that happened. Your first couple of days will be overwhelming, but you'll get used to it. Deanna is the leader of our community, she'll eventually give you a job so you can help out with the community."

"Right." You just said, not sure if you should play off his apology. You didn't want to lie and say it was okay, because it really wasn't settling right with you. Carl began to lead the way again, walking slower and with less credence. You felt a little worried, but not enough to bother you. He walked toward a house, walking around the side of it and waving to someone in the back yard.

"Hey Ron." Carl said, smiling widely. The boy your age, around sixteen, looked up and smiled in return.

"Carl, and the newcomer everyone's talking about. I'm Ron Anderson." He said, getting up and offering his hand to you. Hesitant, but taking it, you shook it and he dropped his arms down by his sides.

"Y/N." You said, seeing that he was waiting for a response. He nodded, repeating it out loud. It felt unfamiliar to hear your name from someone else's mouth, you hadn't heard it in so long. Throughout those four years of hiding and running, you used a fake name, feeling uncomfortable with your own. You had even changed your last name, to avoid remembering your parents and family.

"Oh, hello," Said a pretty blonde woman, standing in the garage. She was looking at you, examining your outfit and then looking to Ron and Carl. "I'm Jessie, Ron's mom. Have you met Sam yet?"

You shook your head, noticing her sleeve partially covering a dark purple bruise. Although once you noticed it, her sleeve fell back over the bruise, covering it. You didn't want to brush it off as nothing, but you didn't allow yourself to fret over it.

During the course of that day, you met a lot of new faces. You took that interview that Deanna mentioned, and went home with Carl to eat the first full meal you've had in years. That night, you stayed up late to repeat names and faces in your head. When you attempted going to sleep, you couldn't help but awake in the middle of the night due to raging nightmares. This happened almost every night, but the more you saw Carl each day, the less your nightmares pursued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO A COUPLE THINGS:  
> I'm really sorry I haven't updated in a really long time. Lots of things have been going on for me. I'm re-watching TWD with my friend and we're still on season 4, and I wanted to write chapters according to the seasons, but it looks like I'm gonna be milking A LOT of it. I found some short descriptions on the seasons, but I'm afraid they might be wrong time to time. If that's the case, then I'm sorry!
> 
> I also had to change the time frame that the reader was alone for. It was originally 6 years, which would mean Carl would be 18, but that's not his age where this is set, which is season 5. Likely, he's around 15 or 16, but let's just say 16 for the sake of romance.
> 
> I'm thinking I don't want to kill off Carl (which if you haven't already seen season 8, then you should BEFORE you read any of these fanfics) because his end was too sad. Like, if I got to end it, I'd do it peacefully and whatnot. But, that is definitely you guys' decision! If you want a really long fanfic that keeps Carl alive, then please tell me! I want to cater to you guys' tastes.
> 
> Anyways, after this chapter there will be a time jump. Negan will be introduced very soon, and there will be some conflict between the boys! I'm super excited to write this. Thanks for keeping updated and reading! It means so much when I get support and sweet comments, it keeps me writing!


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY FUCK I FORGOT TO POST THIS CHAPTER LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IM SO SORRY IF YOU'RE AN OLD READER I KNOW IT'S SORTA CONFUSING BUT PLEASE READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Half a year later, things were as smooth as ever. Your life was just getting better by each passing day. You ate normal routines instead of starving yourself to ration food, you wore clean clothes and had hot showers, you were hanging out with Carl and Ron most of your days.

You were technically still a kid, so you weren't given hard tasks to do. Most of them were gardening, guarding the wall, and going out hunting. You insisted on working harder, which Deanna hesitantly agreed to. Now, you were given jobs like scouting missions and dealing with the community's issues. Deanna began to trust you more with her people, just like she had trusted Rick.

Ron, however, was not doing as well as you and Carl both. He began to grow more irritable since Rick had been saying unforgiving things about his father behind his back. Not only a couple weeks ago, but Rick also assaulted Pete and had even threatened the people of Alexandria. Of course, that didn't involve you, and you didn't care.

Carl seemed to be on edge, but you didn't quite know how to comfort him. He and Enid had bad blood for some reason, and you would often catch Carl boiling at the sight of Ron flirting with you. You weren't interested.

Now, you three were lounging in Ron's living room, Sam out with Carol or something like that. Jessie was working, and Pete was nowhere to be found. Carl and Ron were reading comics, but you continually wrote down in your journal.

_Summer, Year 4  
I'm not sure where to start. Recently, Ron has been acting strange around me. I suppose that's what boys do when they flirt, but he's really terrible at it. I've noticed that when Carl catches Ron doing this, he becomes upset for the rest of the day. The competition is awful here. Can't Enid and Ron kiss and makeup, so he'd stop being creepy and Carl would stop being jealous?_

_I can't describe why Carl is jealous. Maybe it's because I'm his closest friend, or maybe he likes me? If that's the case, I can't tell the difference. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind Carl having a crush on me. He's cute, and my best friend. He's the only one I care about, anyway. Everyone else doesn't matter to me._

_Pete has been acting crazy lately. Getting drunk more often, verbally abusing his family-- it's all just a mess. I can tell Rick is itching to blow his head off, there's something going on between him and Jessie. I wouldn't tell Ron or Carl, though._

_Deanna's shut down since her son, Aiden's, death. She's gotten reckless and unstable, I'm worried for her safety. We're all worried. Something terrible is going to happen, and I know i-_

"Y/N." Spoke a harsh voice. You jumped, looking up from your journal to Ron, who said your name. He was on the other side of the couch, where Carl was alone on the love seat. Carl peered up over the edge of his comic book, staring at the two of you.

"Yeah?"

"Here," he gestured, scooting uncomfortably close to your side. You slammed your journal shut in attempts to hide it, which worked. Ron showed you his comics, pointing and laughing about something. You chuckled under your breath, trying to amuse him. You glanced at Carl, seeing that he was fuming. But, the tension broke when the front door opened with an alarming bang. In stumbled a drunk Pete, who had red eyes and under eye circles.

"Ron, what have I told you," He slurred, spitting everywhere, "take the comics upstairs."

"But, dad-" Ron began but was cut off.

"I said, NOW," Pete yelled, allowing silence to pierce the air like a scream. You had wide eyes, sunken into the couch. Ron shakily stood up, running up the stairs. Carl shook his head, standing up and walking after him. You followed, glad to be out of there. Walking into Ron's room wasn't unfamiliar, but definitely unusual.

"Ron, I..." Carl started, but you knew he didn't know what to say. So, you sat down beside Ron, placing your hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," You whispered softly, allowing him to look over at you with big eyes. "I'm not going to bother asking if you're okay, clearly you're not. All I'm asking is if you want to talk about it."

Carl stormed out of the room at this moment, his jealousy just pouring out his ears. Neither you or Ron did seem to notice or show care. Ron caved in, talking gently and vaguely about his feelings. You weren't certain if you should point it out, but you didn't want him to feel pressured. He'd open up in his own time, right? He looked up at you finally, both of your eyes meeting. You could've sworn that his cheeks flushed red, and his eyes fluttered shut. You blinked, watching as he drew closer, pursing his lips and nearly pressing them against yours. You pushed him away, and his eyes flew open with a dejected expression. Taken aback, you stood up, rushing out of the room. _Had Ron just tried to kiss you?_

Carl was waiting outside, on the sidewalk, and you ran up to him, almost panting from running so fast. He turned to look at you, his hat shading his eyes from your vision.

"H-He," You stammered, and Carl finally lifted his head up enough so you could see his burning eyes, "tried to kiss me."

"What?" Carl asked in disbelief. "D-Did you?"

"Did we? No, you idiot!" You lightly punched him in the arm. "I'd never kiss him."

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said." You rolled your eyes, walking away from Ron's house. "He was super nice when we met, but ever since Rick- your dad- began targeting Pete, he's gotten a little... creepy."

"Oh." Carl just said, and you weren't certain exactly what he _meant_. You held your journal in your hands, glancing down shortly before you went back home.

Rick was planning something, Deanna standing near him in the living room as the two of you walked in. She shot you a warm and welcoming smile, to which you returned. Reg was standing near his wife, nodding in agreement. Before you two could run off, Rick stopped the two of you.

"Were you at Ron's house today?"

"Yeah," Carl said, shuffling closer to you. "But his dad came home, so we left."

Rick exhaled dramatically and Deanna looked over at him.

"I'll place him into another house," Deanna said. "After the outburst the two of you had-"

"What?" Carl asked, stepping forward.

"Your father and Pete got into a vicious fight a day ago. If I hadn't been there to break it up, they would've killed each other."

"Jesus," you breathed, and Carl seemed upset. You watched him storm up the stairs and you sighed, shrugging to the adults in the room before chasing after him.

A week was all it took, and shit hit the fan. Rick was planning on a small gathering at night, to explain himself for the things he's done. In a way, it was a smart maneuver, but not until you witnessed the events of that night. Everyone was gathered closely, waiting for Rick. Carl was at home with Judith, but you promised to eavesdrop since you nor Carl were allowed to listen. Rick stumbled in, blood coated on his face. The crowd gasped and you furrowed your eyebrows, gripping the knife on your hip in fear.

He explained about the gate, walkers, and then began a speech about wanting to protect the people of Alexandria. He seemed so genuine, it was hard to ever believe he was crazy. The people surrounding him appeared touched, but a harsh voice rang through the clearing and made everyone on edge.

"You not one of us! _YOU NOT ONE OF US!_ "

Everyone turned to look at Pete emerging from the shadow, wielding Michonne's very sword. You saw her stiffen, and Reg ran in front of him, holding out his arms.

"Pete! You don't want to do this." Reg cried out, but Pete snarled at him.

"Get the hell away from me."

"Just stop- just stop." Reg tried to push him back, but Pete kept mumbling the same sentence over and over. Suddenly, Reg exploded into a rage and placed his hands on Reg's chest, pushing him back while screaming, "GET AWAY!"

Reg fell backward, his head twisting as blood splattered into the air. The crowd let out terrified screams as Deanna caught her husband, sinking down to the ground with him in her arms. You placed your hand over your mouth, feeling tears soak your cheeks. In a whirl, Pete was pinned to the ground, the sword clattering out of his grasp. Reg struggled for his breath, coughing and grasping onto Deanna's hand. He went still.  
Deanna choked on her sobs, cradling her dead husband, and shakily looked up to Rick. Her lip quivered and you could see the visible amount of pain written all over her face.

"Rick..." she pleaded, "do it."

You weren't sure what she meant. It was a vague request, but as soon as those three words escaped from her lips, Rick whirled on his heel, pointing his gun and without hesitation, shooting Pete. A sickening crunch, then the sound of blood gushing out echoed and you felt a large lump form in your throat.

You couldn't bear to look at it anymore, so you turned and ran off, trying to suppress your desperate cries.

You didn't care about Reg or Pete that much, but it came as such a surprise to you that you couldn't feel anything but shock. You sprinted down the dark street, racing on the porch of your house before slamming the door open. You leaned over, panting heavily, and saw Carl in the living room with his baby sister. He stood up in alarm, and you shook your head, your emotions finally releasing and spilling out.

"Y/N! What's going on?"

"P-Pete killed Reg." You muttered out as he approached you, wrapping his free arm around you. You clung to him, burying your face in his shoulder and crying. It took you some time to calm down, but he led you to the couch and hugged both you and Judith. Your shuddering slowed to a stop and he looked at you, pausing his comforting arm-rubbing.

"Are you okay?" He finally asked, and you shrugged.

"No." You simply replied.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: sorta sexual assault, nothing too intense

It wasn't long until the entire community had realized what Rick did. You couldn't blame him, either. It was Pete's fault that all of this happened, and now the entire community was on edge and unsettled because of his idiotic actions. You didn't know it would only get worse from there on out. But, taking this chance of unbearable silence, you decided to get closer to Carl. With the fear that he might get hurt, you clung to him more often.

Ron had stopped hanging out with the two of you, but you've noticed his behavior to become more toxic. He was destructive, like a ticking bomb that was about to implode under pressure. You knew he was slowly deteriorating, yet you didn't see any harm in him and ignored him. Carl was your main focus now.

And it's not that you had a crush on him, it was more that you were worried about his safety. He was your best and only close friend, and if he died you wouldn't know what to do. Being lost without him wasn't a choice you wanted to face. You couldn't read his feelings, either, he was like a blank slate that had no writing on the surface. When it came to Carl, he was one of the best people at hiding his inner feelings. You guessed to yourself that he got that way after Lori's death.

Today, he was showing you how to drive. The two of you snuck out of Alexandria with a vehicle and he was simply pointing and talking. Since you had nobody to teach you previously, this was all completely new. Most of it was just common sense, but you did listen in to the facts when he mentioned them. You got behind the wheel, gripping it firmly with both of your hands.

You decided to wear a skirt and blouse since it was a hot day out. You didn't plan on running across walkers-- or worse-- other people. You shakily drove on the highway, controlling the car and pressing lightly against the gas. You didn't want to make a sudden move, so you kept your eyes trained on the road ahead of you.

"Good," Carl spoke gently, trying not to spook you. Smiling proudly to yourself, you shrugged the compliment off. "Walker up ahead, don't swerve last minute."  
You blinked and saw the small figure in the distance. You took the time to slow down, go around it as it snarled at you, and then continue driving on past it.

"This is actually kind of fun!" You laughed. He laughed alongside you.

"You know, the first time I drove I ran over a curb."

"Really?" You asked, seeing an intersection up ahead with a stop sign. You hesitated, not sure if you should stop or not. Should you even use your signal? Carl hadn't said anything, so you assumed that was a no. Slowing down, you rolled into a left turn with ease.

"That was good!" He cheered gently. "But, uh, go easy on the gas. Don't forget to check your speed."

You glanced down at the speedometer, slowing down once you noticed you were going at least 50 on a two-lane road. Of course, you didn't have to really watch for traffic, but walkers were definitely a threat, especially with the surrounding woods. You let off the gas ever so slightly and it dropped to 40, then 30.

"Here, your foot is positioned awkwardly." He pointed, reaching over and tapping your left thigh. Out of surprise, embarrassment, and panic, you accidentally slammed on the gas and Carl was thrown backward. You suddenly let it up, trying to control the car. It screeched to a rolling stop, and then you hit the brake. Jerking forward, you had to look over at Carl to see if he was okay.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry Carl. You just startled me."

"It's okay." He breathed, taking off his hat and running his fingers through his hair. "We need to check the tires, though. That was _really harsh._ "

"I-I'm so sorry." You stammered again, shaking. You put it in park, unbuckling and turning it off before you got out with him, looking at the tires. You couldn't notice anything different, but Carl stayed silent and then got back in the car, trying to turn it on. It roared into life, but he attempted to use the brakes and they had worn out completely. Sighing and turning it off, he got out and leaned against the hood, crossing his arms.

"The brakes are bad. Can't drive with them like that."

"B-But we're so far from Alexandria! What do we do?"

"Walk until we find another car? Let me look at a map." He said softly, walking around and taking a map out of the glove box. Examining it, he took a couple of moments before he looked back to you. "Yeah, it says there's a nearby town. Let's see if we can get another car and get back quickly."

So, the two of you took your things out of that car and walked on the road. It was agonizing how long the walk actually was, about an hour before you both arrived at the town. And it wasn't a pretty sight, either. Barbed wire, wooden stakes, bodies, and blood laid about the town as if it was normal. You stuck close by his side, wrapping your arms around his own. He didn't even seem to take notice, which you appreciated but also felt a deeper disappointment for.

"Carl, this place is terrifying."

"I know, just don't worry. I know how to hotwire cars, so we can get out of here quickly."

"I'm not really thinking about cars right now." You replied, stepping over a body.

 _Click, click._ behind you. You wanted to whirl around, but someone spoke in a low tone behind you two.

"Well, what do we have here?"

"Shit." You said in a gentle tone, only loud enough for Carl to hear you.

"Raise your hands, and drop your weapons." Said another voice. From the sound of it, there were only two older men. You looked at Carl in your peripheral, who shook his head at you. He dropped his semiautomatic guns down on the ground, and so did you. Raising both of your hands up in the air by your head, you then took a slow turn to look at your enemies.

They were two men, dirty and worn, but they were much bigger and much more threatening. They drew closer, holding large machine guns that would end your life in less than a split second. Standing as still as you could, you waited for any sign from Carl, but he was just as silent as you were.

"Pat down the boy." Said one to the other, who hesitantly nodded. He looked enviously on as he approached carl, patting his shoulders, arms, waist, legs, so on so forth. The other man looked at you with a devious grin, strapping his gun back before delicately brushing his hands over your body. He wasn't patting you down, he was _touching_ you. Carl glanced over, and you could tell he was bubbling with rage. The man's hands wearily drifted over your breasts, cupping them, then your ass. He even had the audacity to slide his hands up your exposed thighs. Feeling a wave of sickness, you knew you couldn't get out of this situation.

"Think they're from Hilltop?"

"Never seen 'em before. Besides, Hilltop doesn't come out this far."

"You're right."

You frowned at them, giving them your dirtiest expression. You wanted them to know how you were seething with fury. You didn't even care what they were talking about, but then they picked up walkie-talkies and said a couple words in them. Holding their guns to you two, you had to think of a plan quickly before they called more of their people here.

"Carl," you said suddenly, making everyone's eyes turn toward you. You looked over your shoulder at him, winking very subtly and quickly. He blinked in return, his lips twitching and trying to not form a smile. He knew what you were about to do was just all a play. "I-I'm scared."

"Don't be scared." He said softly, almost cooing at you. The men shifted, watching the whole scene play out.

"But, what if they hurt you?" You tried to speak slowly in a whisper, but they could still obviously hear you. "I don't know what I'd do without you... I'm just so vulnerable."

"No worries, babe," spoke up one of the filthy men. He got closer to you, holding you by your hips. You wanted to recoil away, but you had to keep your guard up. "You're cute, so you might live."

You took the moment. You took his left hand, pulling him closer to your body. Then, sticking out your right left, you kicked it out and made him stumble onto the ground. The other man wasn't prepared, reaching for his gun until Carl jumped at him, tussling with him on the ground. The man on the ground stayed down for a couple seconds, just long enough for you to raise your shoe and stomp on his skull. He cried out in pain, but you reached for your gun on the ground a couple feet away and then ended his misery. Turning to Carl and the remaining man, you saw Carl was slowly being overpowered by the stranger. Steadily aiming your gun, you shot the other man in the back of the skull. He fell, slumping on the ground. Carl looked at you once before you began to gather your weapons.

"Wait, loot the bodies." You said, hurriedly swiping around their clothes. You managed to get a knife and the machine gun before you convinced Carl to run away with you. So, the two of you sprinted in the opposite direction you came, deeper into town. You heard alarmed voices, and you knew it was the people that the two men contacted on their walkie-talkies.

"Carl, take a right!" You said, but he simply took your hand and then sharply curved right. But, you heard nearby gurgles and snarls.

You had a feeling that this wouldn't end well.


	6. Chapter 5

“Carl, turn turn!” You cried out, pushing your shoes against the pavement as you rounded nearby walkers. He took less time to stop, pulling you along to the side. A herd snarled at the two of you, crying and wailing loud enough to fill your ears. You wanted to cover them, but you couldn’t distract yourself as you were running from a herd of walkers and two dangerous strangers.

“Carl,” you panted, feeling a strong pang of pain in your gut. “Slow down.”

“We can’t!” He replied up ahead of you, and you clutched at your abdomen. Knees faltering, you were about to collapse on the hot asphalt. He must’ve noticed you lagging behind, so instead of lugging you behind him, he swept you up into his arms. Slowed down to a jog now, he tried to push himself to continue his pace. You guessed the cramps were from running too much, when you hadn’t ran like this in months.

So, having Carl carry you like his bride, you felt your heart hammer in your throat. Or, was it just that way since you sprinted? You couldn’t quite tell, but you were sure the way he hugged you close to his chest and the way you could smell a faint cologne had a play in it all. He ran towards a gas station with multiple stray cars in the parking lot.

Dropping you down to your feet, he allowed you two to maneuver around and lower yourselves behind some cars. The walkers had dispersed by now, just a couple of wandering ones left behind that roamed aimlessly now that they lost track of you. The two bandits, however, were still searching for you. They were even more rugged than the last two, looking painfully enraged as you and Carl got away with the murder of their friends.

“Carl,” you whispered lowly, and he looked over at you, raising his eyebrows. “we need to get out of here.”

“I know, try to find a car.” He replied, his voice hardly above a whisper.

You nodded in agreement, looking around at the nearby abandoned vehicles. Trucks, vans, convertibles, all of the types were littered around the parking lot. Situating yourself beside a gas pump, you shifted on your feet and tried to turn around and lead the way to a car. All the while, you couldn’t help but think: _How are we going to hotwire a car and not be noticed?_

The thugs called out to you, using a playful tone as you would with a pet. It felt mocking and insulting, but you didn’t dare hop up and challenge them. Staying low, you walked around the car as they did, like a game of hide and seek. You took a split second to look into the windows of cars, then pop back down to continue hiding. Each car that you looked at was either damaged or too out in the open. You began to lose hope, thinking you should run off in the opposite direction.

Pressing your thighs against the hot asphalt, you felt them burn. God, why did you decide to wear a skirt today, of all days? It was scorching hot outside, and not to mention, you were scraping your knees against the ground here and there. Although it burned, you didn’t speak a single word, knowing you’d rather have bloody knees than a bloody skull.

You approached a dirty gray Jeep. It was caked with thick layers of dirt and dust, and you even noted old brown-tinted blood that was crusted on the driver car door. As soon as you lifted your head up to look into the window, your eyes widened. Turning to Carl who was right behind you, you tugged on his sleeve and pointed to the car with a grin.

“What?” He whispered, peering over into the window. He then saw it: the key sticking in the ignition. You exchanged understanding looks with him before you steadily shuffled to the passenger side, gently opening the door and putting your guns in the back seat. You didn’t shut the door yet, as he climbed into the driver’s side. Turning to you, he continued to whisper. “When I start the engine, we both are going to slam our doors and drive as fast as we can.”

You waited, watching his exact movements. The thugs had their backs turned to both of you, so he started up the car. It roared, lighting up, and you felt nothing but joy as you knew you’d live for another day. When you first heard noise coming from the engine, you slammed your door and so did Carl. The bandits whirled on their heels, pointing their guns, but Carl slammed on the gas and pulled out of the parking lot with ease. Driving down the road, you heard bullets ricochet into the back of the Jeep. But, you were getting farther and farther by now.

“Woohoo!” You cried out with celebration, and he just simply laughed with you. You looked up, seeing a skylight and pulling the cover aside. “We did it, Carl.”

“Yeah, we did.”

But, you couldn’t celebrate too soon. You saw another smaller car behind you on the road.

“Shit, do you?-” You began, but he cut you off by agreeing audibly. You didn’t even have to finish your sentence, he knew exactly what you were talking about. Feeling threatened, you gripped the hem of your skirt and chose to stop running away. You couldn’t allow anything or anyone to hurt Carl, he was all that you had in this world. So, you took a semi-automatic gun from the backseat and popped the skylight open, standing on the center console. The cold wind blowing into the skylight was now causing your entire body to chill, but you didn't allow that to stop you. Propping the gun against the top of the car, you positioned it perfectly before you rang shots out into the air at the other car.

You watched a hand stick out the car with a gun, and you dropped back down into the Jeep. Shots were fired, ringing in the air, and you waited until you visibly saw his hand retreat back into the car to reload. Taking this split moment, you moved over near Carl’s seat and stood back up, shooting back at them. Carl had to focus on driving away, but he could hardly do it when your rear end was right beside his head, your skirt fluttering in the wild and cold breeze.

You heard a loud shattering noise, knowing you hit them. Blinking away the exhaustion from your eyes, you saw the opposing car swerve slightly before continuing to chase yours. You had hit the front window and killed the guy in the passenger seat, and you knew the driver wouldn’t survive. Aiming and taking your time, you steadied your breath before shooting at him. He flung back in his seat and the car swerved off into the woods. Leaning up from your gun, you smiled to yourself with pride. Shoving the gun in the backseat, you sat back down in your seat before you sealed the skylight shut.

“That was amazing, Y/N!” Carl cried out happily. You smiled, brushing your hair behind your ear.

“I’m glad we got away alright.” You commented, and Carl silently agreed. For only a couple minutes, the two of you were silent and basking in your accomplishments, but you blinked back into reality and saw the road was slowing down into a dirt road now. “Wait, where are we?”

Carl was silent still. Looking over at him, you rose your eyebrows in questioning.

“Well?”

“See, uh… I have no idea.” Carl said, steering the car nervously.

“What do you mean you don’t have any idea? We have a map!”

“Yeah, but I don’t know where we’re at. Maps are useless unless you know where you’re exactly at.”

“Well, we just came from that town-”

“That was awhile go. When we were being chased, we took a ton of turns, I don’t know where to backtrack.”

You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose in annoyance. You also noticed it was sunset, the low sunlight beaming in your eyes. You had to put down your visor to cover the view of it. Staying quiet, you looked over at the car’s center screen and saw it had a calendar on it. Deciding to play with it, you pressed firmly against the screen and it switched to the calendar view.

“Oh.” Was all you said. Carl’s eyes darted to you for a split second, then back to the road. “It’s… Halloween.”

“Oh…” Carl trailed away, with a false smile plastering on his face. “What’re you gonna dress up as?”

“Mmm, how about Little Red Riding Hood?”

“Then, I’ll be the Wolf this year.”

The two of you lightheartedly laughed. Although you were joking with him, you couldn’t help but feel bitter about your past memories. Things flashed in your mind’s eye that made you homesick, and made your gut wrench. You didn’t say anything, though. When it began to get dark, Carl slowed down on the dirt road. You glanced at him with confusion.

“Why are we stopping?”

“Well, I don’t want to drive around in the dark. It’s best to just camp out in here for the night.”

“Carl, you can’t be serious. What if those guys have friends?”

“We’re far enough from them. Only things we need to worry about are walkers roaming around in the woods at night.”

You didn’t reply, thinking to yourself that maybe he was right. You took off your seatbelt, stretching your limbs out naturally.

“You can take the back seat, I’ll sleep in the driver’s.” Carl suggested, and you didn’t even take two seconds to think about it before you answered.

“No.”

“What?”

“You’re going to be easily seen up front, it’s better if we both sleep in the back since the windows are heavily tinted.” You said, flushed a darker color only slightly. You were suggesting something that seemed incredibly lewd, to which he definitely noticed, as he seemed reluctant.

“I guess you’re right, but there’s not a lot of room-”

“Well, we have to get close and personal, then.” You crossed your arms, looking over at him. “Do you not want to?”

“That’s not it! I… let’s just go to sleep.” He quickly changed the subject, crawling into the back, shoving the guns and his hat onto the floor. He was propped against the door, his long legs hanging off the edge of the seat. You hesitated, watching him situate himself, then his eyes met yours and he opened his arms. You almost fell over from your heart skipping multiple beats. Was he offering to _cuddle_ with you? You thought too much into it that you were just sitting there for a minute.

“Well? If we both want to fit, we’re gonna have to… how did you say it? _Get close and personal._ ”

Okay, was he doing this on purpose? Now that the car was turned off, it felt a lot colder. You told yourself that you’d cuddle with him only to gain back the warmth. You climbed over the console, trying not to flash him with your skirt, and settled down beside him. He wrapped his arms around you, naturally being the big spoon. Biting your lip, you weren’t sure what this feeling was. Maybe if it was any other boy, you’d be the same. Thinking of Ron, you decided that maybe it wasn’t actually the case. No, you realized, you had a thing for Carl.

Even though he was right beside you, nearly under you, you still felt cold. You shivered, your legs exposed to the air around you. He must’ve taken notice to this also, taking off his flannel and placing it over your torso. You curled up under it, leaning into his chest. You could hear his heart beat loudly in his chest, and you had a feeling that he was just as nervous as you. When it got to be pitch black in the car, your fingers splayed against his chest.

“Carl,” you breathed. “are you awake?”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t sleep?”

“No.”

“Why not?

“...”

Why hadn’t Carl answered? He must be embarrassed, but you didn’t want to just assume that he was awake for the same reasons you were. You had to do something, though, or you’d go crazy.

“I think I know.” You cut him off, leaning up. You had to feel up his neck and then his jaw to find his face, then pull yourself up to his level to press a soft kiss to his lips. Well, actually, you did kiss the side of his mouth, but you centered yourself rather quickly. He went still in your arms, but as you deepened the kiss, he showed no sign of trying to pull back. Instead, he wrapped his arms close to your hips and pull you towards him, closing the space between the two of you.

You felt him suddenly pull away as you were pulled on top of him. You both gasped for air, like resurfacing above water. But you didn’t speak, neither did he. It was a moment of confused feelings, and all you did was simply lay your head down on his chest. Closing your eyes, you fell asleep in his warm arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo much fluff :( <3


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **OKAY HEY Y'ALL,  
> **  
>  So recently I just found out I didn't post Chapter 3, so if you're a returning reader, please re-read it! I'm not sure if I deleted it or not, I was really confused.  
> So sorry for the inconvenience! It won't happen again! :(

_Knock, knock._

You jerked awake in Carl's arms around the same time he did. You rubbed your eyes sleepily, looking back at the window in confusion. Sunlight was glaring off of it, but you saw a very unhappy Rick standing outside the car. You then realized you were tangled up in Carl's arms, feeling his palms resting on your skirt. You scrambled off of him as he sat up. You had to roll the window down very slowly, feeling embarrassed.

"What are you two doing? You were gone all night." Rick said in his usual harsh tone. You rolled your neck, feeling a crick in it.

"We were being chased down by some guys and got lost," Carl explained, leaning over you to talk to his dad.

"What happened?"

Carl explained how he originally planned on just teaching you how to drive, and then you two came upon a town and was chased off in another car by some randos. He mentioned that all four were dead and then you camped out throughout the night in the car.

"How did you find us?" Carl finally asked.

"When you hadn't returned in the twenty minutes you said you'd be gone for," Michonne spoke as she approached the window, crossing her arms. "we organized a search party to find you. We were out all day and night until we found walkers flocking to a crashed car. We followed the road until we found you." She paused, her lips quirking upwards in a small smirk, "And it looks like we caught you at a bad time."

"It was cold! And I didn't want Carl sleeping alone up front." You stammered. "R-Rick, I-"

"I don't care," Rick said rather quickly. "Carl, you're old enough to make your own decisions, but you're acting recklessly."

"Dad, we got _lost._ "

"Yeah, Rick, we didn't want to drive in the dark. What if we got captured or even more lost? We're lucky that you guys found us." You tried to smile, which Michonne nodded, but Rick seemed the least bit amused.

"You-" Rick began, but Michonne quickly grabbed his shoulder and cut him off, leaning into him and speaking in a hushed tone.

"Rick, let it go. They're okay, you should be glad. Let's just head back to Alexandria."

Without saying anything, he nodded slowly. You saw as Daryl and two other young men followed up but looked at them in confusion as they turned and walked away. It took a while to get back, but Carl drove back following his dad and the others, eventually arriving at Alexandria around noonish.

"Let's get the knife and machine gun to the armory," Carl said to you as you unpacked from the stolen car. You nodded in agreement, taking the extra weaponry to the armory and stashing it there. Before you set it down, though, you noticed the knife's handle. It was a delicate wood, with an insignia etched into it.

 _A bat with barbed wire?_ It was strange, no doubt, but you thought it was just decoration as you set down the knife. Following Carl, you walked with him back to your house.

"You can take the first shower."

"Okay." You said hesitantly, watching him. You went upstairs and took a very rushed cold shower so that he could have hot water to work with. When you left, you told him, and he then began his own shower. Before you went on into your room, you entered his room and looked around, smiling to yourself.

You liked Carl but you had no idea how to tell him. You weren't ready for anything, and you weren't sure if you could even call him your boyfriend yet. Approaching his closet, you looked through his clothes. You didn't hear the shower turn off, but you whirled around to look at him when he opened and walked through the door. Stopping, he stared at you in your towel, in his own.

You could see how the water glistened on his body, and he was actually quite lean. You could even see his v-line and a faint happy trail on his abdomen. Biting your lip, you smiled back up at his expression.

"I'm just looking through your clothes. Most of my stuff is very feminine, and I was thinking about gardening today. Can't get blouses and skirts dirty, you know?"

Carl didn't reply right off the bat, he stood there for a couple of moments. Holding his wrapped towel around his waist, he reached for the door and slammed it shut. You almost jumped, but you simply watched as his eyes darkened.

"Is that the only reason you're here?" He asked, walking over to you and pressing his chest against your back. He wrapped his arms around your towel, kissing you softly on the neck.

"Carl," you let a sigh escape your lips, "I... don't know."

You knew he was just being a typical horny teenage boy, but when his palms cupped around your breasts, you let out a gasp and pushed him away. He stumbled back, looking slightly offended as you turned to look him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry, I can't."

"What do you mean? You _kissed me_ last night!"

"That doesn't give you a right to grab me wherever you please! Carl, I'm just not ready for something like that."

You knew Carl understood, but being rejected was difficult for him. You knew he needed his privacy, so you quickly stormed out of the room to avoid further interaction. You ended up wearing a dress when you went and helped the others out with gardening. When you took a break, you decided to hang out with Ron. You didn't like him the way you did with Carl, but you just needed to rant. So, you hung out with him in his backyard as you explained what happened. Ron listened intently and excused himself for a couple moments. He came back and set a beer down next to you, holding his own.

"Ron, where did you...?"

"My dad was an alcoholic."

"Right." You said, looking down at it. Truth is, you've never really been drunk. So, you opened it and drank the entire thing in less than five minutes. Being a lightweight, you got incredibly tipsy, and so did he. When you finally took the time to get to know him, you realized Ron wasn't such a bad guy after all. He described how he and Enid had dated previously until Carl came along and swooned her heart. You felt bad for Ron, how Carl was always surrounded by girls and Ron was always being rejected.

You didn't know Carl had stumbled into the conversation, eavesdropping from the side of the house. Fuming, he left, with a plan.

"Well, thanks for listening, Ron."

"It's no problem, Y/N. I really love hanging out with you, you're an awesome friend." Ron said happily. You felt warm, from the alcohol and the compliment, but mostly how he called you a friend. Carl would've probably boasted about you being his 'girlfriend' or something. You hated to say it, but Ron wasn't that bad of a guy. Waving to him, you began walking back home when it was dark out. Rick and Michonne were out on a late scouting mission, so you knew it would just be you and Carl in the house. When you walked in, you heard nothing but crickets. You assumed Carl was upstairs in his room, so you walked up the stairs and leaned into his door.

Frowning, you didn't hear anything. You noticed it was slightly ajar, so you pushed on the door and allowed it to slowly reveal Carl and Enid sitting on his bed, holding hands and sharing a passionate kiss. You must've frowned so much that your face froze in horror as you backed away, opening the door to your room and slamming it.

Why was Carl doing that? Was he jealous? Was he trying to make you jealous? Had he moved on? Was he not really crushing on you as you were him? So many questions ran throughout your mind as you collapsed on the bed, covering your head with your pillows and squeezing your eyes tightly.


	8. Chapter 7

It took a day for things to finally come to an end. You knew that somebody would finally combust, yet you had no idea you'd be the one held at gunpoint. Shaking, you looked into those hazel eyes full of rage, and you felt a surge of anger as you rushed at him. A gunshot rang into the air.

**ONE DAY EARLIER**

"You caught him doing _what_?" Ron asked you, his eyes wide. You shrugged your shoulders, looking to the side.

"Honestly, if he wants to be with Enid-"

"No. No way. He did not just dump you like that." Ron said angrily, to the point he was almost shaking. "That is so fucking unfair."

"Look, Ron, I get it. Carl's an asshole, so is everybody else on this fucking planet." You rolled your eyes, "You don't have to defend me, either. Don't go chasing after Carl or Enid, they've both made their own choice."

"You told me you like Carl."

"So what? I'll get over it." You now crossed your arms, but you could tell Ron only cared about you. Placing his hand on your shoulder, he looked into your eyes and shook his head.

"You can't just let it slide like that. Carl first took Enid from me, then dropped her and tried to get with you, and then when that didn't work, he turned back to Enid. Don't you see what he's doing?"

"I do! I know what he's doing!" You shouted, sighing and standing up, walking around his yard. "But I'm not going to hold onto it because it'll just continue to hurt me."

"You need to get payback. Make him jealous, make him wish he should've never let go of you-"

"I'm not going to do that. That's low and terrible." You argued. But your anger said otherwise, wishing you would just do it already.

"If you don't do something, he's going to keep pushing you until you finally do," Ron said smoothly, walking up beside you. You didn't want to admit Ron was right, Carl was either doing this out of anger toward you or jealousy toward you. But, you hadn't given him a reason to be jealous, so the first option was clearly the most reasonable. Carl was with Enid because you rejected him, and Ron was trying to convince you to snap back at him. The idea of doing it was satisfying, but you didn't want to stoop that low.

"Fine, we'll talk later. We need to come up with something to make Carl so jealous-"

"I've got a plan. Meet me outside your house at midnight? Make sure it's just you." Ron said, a smile breaking on his lips. You nodded. You left his backyard, feeling your nerves bubble up in your stomach. Would his plan work, or would it completely backfire on the two of you? You hoped to God that Carl would at least give you a good reaction.

**LATER THAT NIGHT**

You couldn't believe you were going to actually do this. Carl was in his room, and you decided it was time. You creaked open your door cautiously, sneaking down the stairs. They groaned with age, and you grimaced, hoping it wouldn't attract his attention. As you walked down the dark stairway, you managed to open the front door slowly before you stepped out into the cool air.

You figured you'd make Carl jealous somehow, so you wore a nice dress and some slip-ons. You even put your hair in a cute style, knowing it was the one that got Carl's attention the most. And, you waited outside, where the gentle breeze was making you colder by each second. Where was Ron? Was he late?

Suddenly, the front door swung open. You jerked back, facing Carl.

"C-Carl!"

"Y/N, we need to talk."

"No. Go away, I have something planned-"

"I don't care, we need to talk privately." Carl took your arm, pulling you aside. You struggled against him, but you hadn't seen his face this serious before. You felt your heart twinge in pain, knowing you still very well liked him. He helped you sneak over the wall and into the woods, pulling you deeper and deeper into the darkness. You thought he was stupid, but he just didn't want anyone to listen in to what he had to say. Stopping and turning to you, he adjusted his hat carefully.

"Hey." He said, examining your outfit. "You look nice."

"Get on with it." You said, crossing your arms.

"Look, Y/N," Carl said, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. "I'm... I'm so sorry."

You frowned, dropping your arms by your side. You weren't expecting an apology. Actually, that was the last thing that came to mind. He wiped his face, but you could still see visible tears roll down his cheeks in the moonlight that filtered through the leaves.

"Carl... for what?"

"I know it seemed awful, but I'm not replacing you. I would never do that."

"Then why are you talking to Enid? Kissing her, hanging out with her!-"

"I saw you and Ron together and got upset. You told me you don't like Ron, so when I saw the two of you laughing and acting like we used to, it just got to me. Not to mention, you two were talking so down on me."

"Yeah, but that's because I saw you kissing Enid!" You raised your voice, trying not to get too loud.

"I know, she came over right after you left in the morning. When I explained to her that I was upset, she began to comfort me and then she just kissed me out of the blue. I didn't pull away- I should've- but her kiss felt like yours. I missed you. Then, I realized maybe I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I've never been with a girl before, I overreacted! Enid sort of kept by my side, this is the only time I could've talked to you alone."

You felt yourself smile and then burst into giggles.

"Why are you laughing?" Carl asked, shaking.

"Because I thought you were trying to replace me! Like some kind of player!" You laughed, drawing closer to him. "Now, I'm glad I didn't have to make you jealous."

"Huh?" Carl asked, but you heard rustling behind you. You whirled around, seeing Enid's outline in the dark.

"You don't like me?" Enid asked Carl. Carl's eyes widened and he stood still. "I asked you if you liked me earlier today, and you said yes! Was that a lie?"

"I-I... yes..." Carl trailed away.

"Enid, back up." You said, opening your arms and protecting Carl. "You're the one who came onto him."

"No, you... you... bitch!" She cried out, lunging at you. Knocking you to the dirt, she managed to grip your hair and slam you into the leaves. You struggled against her weight, but she was pinning you down, and you could hardly breathe-

Enid was ripped off of you, and you sat up, looking around in a daze. Enid was wrapped in Ron's arms, a gun held to her head. She sat still, and Ron looked bewildered. He was visibly shaking, his finger ready on the trigger to kill her instantly. You stood up very slowly, holding your hands out.

"Ron put it down-" You said.

"No!" He screamed loudly. "This was my one fucking chance, but you took it all away!" He turned and looked at Carl. "You took Enid from me, then you took Y/N, and your dad killed my dad! You've made my life a fucking hell."

"Ron, please, listen!" You said out loud. He shoved the gun closer to Enid's head, and she whimpered in his arms. "Don't do it. I know you're upset, you just have to listen to me-"

"Say one more fucking word and I blow her brains out."

It was silent. Carl held up his hands, and so did you. You couldn't do anything for them, you felt utterly helpless.

"Carl, trade places with Enid. Try anything and you both will die."

Carl nodded, sweating. Ron released Enid, allowing her to rush over to you. She shakily hid behind your back as Carl approached Ron, now trapped under gunpoint.

"Here's what's going to happen." Ron spoke in a scarily deep voice, "I'm going to shoot and kill Carl and leave him to the walkers. If you two want to live," he motioned toward you and Enid, "you'll never talk about this again. Alright?"

You didn't nod your head, you were focused on the gun that kept waving around in the air carelessly. Ron's hazel eyes were focused on you, and you knew he was just a psychopath waiting to kill Carl then undress you as you bawled your eyes out. Ron was never your friend. He was only waiting for the perfect moment to get rid of Carl so that you'd finally choose him. And if you weren't going to give yourself over to him, he'd take it forcefully. Without a second passing, you remembered Pete, and how vividly Ron resembled his father as he gripped the handle of the gun with his sweaty palms.

"Wait, Ron." You said suddenly, and his gun pointed at you. You approached him, walking very slowly. "I need to give you something."

You could see his guard drop, and you knew it was the perfect moment. You crouched, lunging at him and barreling into him. A shot rang into the air, right beside your ear. Luckily, it whizzed past and into the night sky. You disarmed his gun, which Carl grabbed quickly and pointed at Ron as you pinned him down. Ron struggled, but he was defeated now. Looking at Carl with hatred burning in his eyes, he spoke.

"Well, you win. Are you happy? Are you going to kill me?"

"Don't be stupid," Carl said, kneeling down and knocking him over the head. Ron passed out, and you sighed, rolling off of his body. Drenched with nervous sweat, you finally felt overwhelmed but you didn't want to cry now. "And you," Carl said, turning to Enid. She looked up with disappointment. "Stay away from me and Y/N."

"Don't worry." Enid sighed, caving in. "I'm not wanted, clearly. I'm leaving." She said, before turning away, her bag strapped over her shoulders. You watched as she walked away until her figure faded in the darkness. Carl was beginning to walk away, but you took his hand and tugged on it. He looked at you, then your face.

"Oh, don't look at me like that."

"We're not just leaving Ron here to get eaten. He has a little brother and a mom to go back home to. No matter how fucked up he is."

Carl hesitated and sighed. Picking up Ron, you two helped carry him back to the community. You played it off as if nothing had happened, that you three snuck out and he accidentally hit his head. Of course, Rick was angry and Jessie was just as upset as can be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing a lot lately!! So excited to continue, this is when things get REAL good.


	9. Chatper 8

_Summer, Year 5_

_I suppose I haven't written in this a lot, which is sad. I really used to love to write, but I've found out that I've lost my words along the way._

_A lot hasn't really happened ever since Fall last year when Enid left and Ron snapped. I suppose I owe an explanation._

_Over the years I've been here, I've caught Gabriel begging Deanna to not trust us. Something tells me I shouldn't trust him, so I've decided to stay away from him as much as possible. Then again, I'm not trying to make friendships while I'm here in Alexandria. I've chosen to stay away from others, even Ron and his brother. I pretty much only spend time with Carl, and if I must, Judith._

_I doubt Carl sees me as a woman anymore. We did once have a thing for each other, but I'm not sure why he stopped. Maybe it's the fact that Enid left, or that Ron's still around to watch in jealousy. I've been wanting to confront him about it, but I'm afraid it'll reveal my feelings for him._

_For now, I'll stay quiet. But I have a feeling that won't last long._

You sighed, placing your pen down and shutting your book. You looked around your room, then down at your hand. You must've forgotten it existed, or just gotten so used to it, but you looked at your mother's wedding ring. This time, it was placed on your right ring finger, not your left.

You sighed, taking it off and opening your drawer, shoving it inside. You stood up, strapping your bag on, and walked outside to join Carl and Judith on the porch. He flashed you a warm smile, to which you returned.

"Hey, I was thinkin' about taking Judith on a walk."

"Sure, I'll come along, thanks for asking." You playfully said, helping Judith up into her stroller. Carl rolled his eyes and the two of you walked side by side as he pushed Judith along, walking down the road. You weren't sure where he was headed, but the unbearable silence was all too much. He stepped awkwardly here and there, his feet shuffling sometimes.

Then, you glanced over and saw Ron sitting by himself. You tapped Carl on his shoulder until he stopped to look, then look at you. You shook your head, but you heard a familiar voice behind the two of you.

"Carl, Y/N."

Carl sighed, whirling around. "What?"

"You heard what I told Deanna about your group."

"What do you want, Gabriel?" You asked coldly, barging into the conversation.

"It was about me, not you or your group, I know that now. I wanna help. You tried to teach me back at my church, but I'm ready to learn now."

You watched as he explained himself. You weren't entirely sure what he was asking for, but you had context clues by the way Carl let out yet another sigh in defeat.

"I think you need to tell everybody," Carl said calmly.

"Yeah, I think you're right," Gabriel replied after a couple moments of hesitation. He then turned to walk away, and you exchanged glances with Carl before he gave in.

"Come by 'round three, we'll start with a machete," Carl glanced away, toward the stroller. No more words were exchanged as Carl began to push it again, walking quickly away from Gabriel. You followed, catching up with his pace. As you two left Gabriel behind, your eyes met Ron's, who was now glaring at you two. Carl looked at him, then quickly back down, and hurried his steps.

When you got back, Carol was helping out in the kitchen. She was putting together ingredients for some delicious food that made your mouth water at the sight, but she said to not touch it. You obeyed and went upstairs with Carl to put Judith in bed, then you returned to his room to call it a day.

While you were babysitting with Carl, half of the community's artillery was gone trying to lead the walkers in the quarry away from the safe-zone. It was a ridiculous idea, and you hoped to God nobody would get hurt. You only prayed that Glenn would be safe, seeing as you, Maggie, and he all grew closer as friends. You supposed you hoped Rick would be safe too, but it wasn't all too salient if he died.

You know, that was terrible to think. Rick was Carl's father! But, you told yourself that if Carl ever lost his father, it would just mean that you could continue to support Carl through times of weakness. You hated being the only one who showed moments of sorrow or loss, you wanted to be there for Carl instead.

"Carl?" You asked, looking over at him. You were laying on his bed as he sat on the floor, reading a comic. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I was just... worrying about your dad."

"He'll be fine."

"But..."

"You know him, Y/N. He's strong and smart, he won't die."

"What if he does?" You asked quietly.

"He won't."

"I'm asking if he does!" You sat up, looking over at him. He frowned, turning to you, his eyes bewildered.

"Why are you so bent on insisting he's gonna die?"

"I just have a bad feeling about the quarry. He said there are thousands of walkers down in there, and he took our best fighters with him."

"Nothing's going to happen, Y/N." Carl stood up, sitting beside you on the bed. He wrapped an arm around you slowly, pulling you into his chest. "I promise."

You wished you could believe that. Burying your face into his chest, you smelled the familiar cologne he often wore. You knew his morning routine, too. He would get up, shower, and then put on clothes and then his cologne. You weren't certain why he did it, it's not like he had to smell good during the apocalypse. You guessed it was just a luxury he took advantage of since he had access to it.

Shutting your eyes, you swore you would've fallen asleep right then and there. Suddenly, you heard bloodcurdling screaming coming from the inside of the walls. You frowned, pushing him away. The two of you rounded a window, glancing out, and seeing nothing at first, then bandits began to filter into the walls, running and chasing after civilians.

"Holy fucking shit." You gasped, looking at him. He took a machine gun from under his bed and you took the machete that was meant for Gabriel's three pm training, racing down the stairs. You both spotted Carol.  
"We saw them from upstairs, they're coming from all over." Carl gasped, and Carol shook her head to the two of you.

"You gotta stay here and keep Judith safe," Carol replied, racing toward the door. She opened it and then slammed it behind herself, and you looked at Carl.

"She's right, we can't leave Judith."

"I know, but... people are dying."

"I'd rather them than any of us." You said, pulling him back up the stairs. He hesitantly stumbled after you. You checked into Judith's room, noticing she was still sleeping soundly, then you shut the door.

"What are we going to do?" He asked you, and you shook your head, pressing a finger to his lips. You heard jingling downstairs, and a door slamming open. Looking at him with wide eyes, you knew someone had entered the house. He gripped his machine gun and you approached the stairs, peering off. You only saw one man, tattered and dirty, with a W etched into his forehead. You motioned to Judith's door, but Carl kicked something small on the floorboards, and the man's face snapped up to the two of you. He smiled sickly, then pointed a gun at you.

"Carl, watch out!" You screamed before a bullet was shot. Carl ducked, avoiding it, and you felt a surge of rage rush throughout you like adrenaline. You gripped the rail on the stairs, launching yourself off. Before he could shoot again, you plunged the machete deep into his skull, allowing him to shoot into the ceiling before falling limp. Wedging it out of his cranium, you turned to look at Carl. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He breathed. "Come on, we need to get back upstairs."

"The door was broken open, we need to push something against it." You said, and he nodded. Running down the stairs, he helped you lug a table against the door. You prayed it would keep, but Carl took your sleeve and tugged your attention to his eyes.

"Sit down, watch the back door. They're not going to get in."

You agreed, sitting and pressing your back against his. You could feel how heavy he was breathing, and the body of the stranger was laid out beside you two. You knew he wouldn't reanimate, but you stared at him as if he would jump out and attack you.

"They're going to die."

"Carl..." You trailed away.

"They got in, and all of them are going to die."

You didn't reply, you didn't know _how_ to reply to that. You sat there, feeling cold, and you knew he was just as cold as you were by now. You began to shake, feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Carl didn't seem to take notice until he heard your voice.

"I hope Carol is okay." You said, your voice trembling as tears blurred your vision. "And Maggie, and Deanna, and Gabriel, and-"

"Y/N..." Carl addressed, turning you around to face him. He frowned, wiping your tears with his thumbs. You shook your head, hating how he watched you helplessly sob. "They're all okay. We'll be okay."

"What if we die?"

"Boy, you're asking a lot of what-if's today." He joked, and you smiled through the tears. Placing your hand over his, you felt him lean forward and press a quick kiss to your lips. It was unexpected, to say the least. You blinked as he leaned back. "You can never expect something, so asking a lot of questions about the future doesn't help." He said, a cheesy grin plastered on his face. You sighed, adoring this feeling that you had for him.

"You're right."

Suddenly, a horn blasted throughout the community. You looked up, alarmed, and looked through a window.

"Oh my fucking God. The watchtower."

"What happened?" Carl asked, walking up behind you.

"I think whoever these people are, they drove a truck into the watchtower. Our walls might fall, and that means..."

"Walkers can get in." He finished your sentence, his eyes wide with fear. You heard Judith crying loudly upstairs, and your gut wrenched. There was too much noise, too many possibilities. You then saw a figure in the distance, noticing it was Ron. He ran across the grass, and you panicked as you saw someone chasing after him with a knife.

Carl slammed open the front door, pointing his machine gun and firing a bullet through the air. The stranger fell to the ground, and Ron stopped to look. Carl and you hurried up to him.

"Come on, man, please... don't kill me." The stranger cried, begging on his hands and knees. Carl drew closer, and you looked at his face.

"Carl, do it."

"No." Pleaded the stranger.

"I..." Carl said, and suddenly the stranger lunged at him, grasping the barrel of his gun. They struggled for a moment until you swung your machete into his face and he collapsed. Turning to Carl, you checked to see if he was okay. Then you looked at Ron.

"Go inside," Carl said to Ron, who looked worried. "We can keep you safe."

"Come on, Ron. We don't have all day." You said, taking Ron's arm. He glared down at it, pulling it away and contorting his face into hatred.

"No." Ron said, briskly walking away.

"Are you fucking stupid?" You called after him, but he simply began jogging back home.

"Ron!" Carl shouted, but you shook your head.

"Carl, come on." You said, pulling him back into the house.

You went upstairs to retrieve Judith, bouncing her up and down to calm her. You even tried to sing her a lullaby, which didn't work. Carl was downstairs, guarding the house. The caterwauling outside had died, and you looked outside of a window, down the street. All you saw were corpses, strewn about the community. You covered the view with the curtains, holding Judith's head as you patted her back. Walking down the stairs, you looked at Carl.

"I think the fighting's done."

"Yeah?" He asked. You drew closer, nodding. You both walked into the kitchen, checking surrounding windows. But, you saw nothing. Sighing with relief, you hugged Judith closely. Carl suddenly dropped his gun, wrapping his arms around you in a loving hug. He kissed your cheek, running his fingers through your hair.

"Carl..." You whispered, but he hushed you.

"Let's put Judith back to bed." He said softly, smiling. You nodded slowly in agreement, but a loud ringing filled your ears. He frowned, looking at the timer on the counter, and turned it off. Leaning down, he took oven mitts and took out Carol's food of the oven, placing it on the counter.


	10. Chatper 9

It was only an hour later, and people were returning from the quarry. People were in the streets, hauling out bodies of their loved ones and the Wolves, who were the people that attacked. You took Judith and Carl outside, to check on the commotion at the gate. You looked over the shoulders of the people looking out, and you saw a horrific scene. Rick was being chased down by a horde, one of the biggest groups you had ever seen. He screamed as the gates slid open, and he easily entered, blocking off the walkers from entering.

"Dad!" Carl said, enveloping Rick in a hug, but he didn't seem too interested. He was sweaty and covered in stranger's blood. But, then again, so were you. Rick looked at Judith and briskly walked away.

It took him around ten minutes to come back, and by now the rest of the remaining community had gathered at the gate. Everyone looked worried, and you held Carl's hand firmly. Ron watched from afar. Rick then talked about the horde, how the panel that was hit by the truck was reinforced, and how the walls would stay standing. It seemed to relieve some people, but you knew they wouldn't hold worth a shit.

All the while they discussed these things, you watched Ron's expression turn dirty as he placed a hand against a sheath. He kept staring at Carl, which you knew wouldn't be good later on.

"--The plan that Rick put into place," Aaron said, cutting into your thoughts. "stopped that from happening. He got half of them away. I was out there recruiting with Daryl, I wanted to get into a cannery and scavenge, Daryl wanted to keep looking for people. We did what _I_ wanted. We wound up in a trap set by those people and I lost my pack. They must've followed our tracks. Those people who attacked us, they found their way back here because of _me._ "

Everyone looked on in dismay, and you shut your eyes tightly. Deanna began to walk away, and the entire crowd just looked disappointed.

Around twenty minutes later, Carol was watching over Judith and you and Carl took care of the body downstairs. You placed it in a burn pile with the rest, and you watched Carl excuse himself to go talk to someone. Curious, you followed him, hot in pursuit as you hid around the corner of a house, listening in as he approached Ron.

"Hey, you 'kay?" Carl asked, walking up. Ron shoved his knife back into the dirt, anger bubbling up in his expression.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Ron hissed.

"You ran away instead of accepting our help. You could've been killed."

"I don't care. I'm not going to sit in a house with you and your little girlfriend playing defense."

"So, you're just going to risk your life like an idiot and run around while others get killed?"

Carl turned to walk away, and Ron had it at that point. Ron came at him, swinging his arms. He knocked him upside the head and Carl stumbled, looking shocked. Carl straightened, turning to him. He pushed Ron away, telling him to back off.

It was kind of cute, having two boys fight over you. But really, this wasn't the time. You watched, staying hidden as Ron and he struggled against each other until Carl pushed him on the ground.

"Hell's wrong with you?" Carl asked, straightening his shirt.

"Oh, I don't know, you fucking came in and took everything from me. Not to mention, your dad did too."

Carl rolled his eyes, walking away. You watched him for a moment before you spied on Ron laying in the grass, defeated. You felt bad for him, but you remembered that Ron was a fucked up guy that you shouldn't get involved with. So, you turned, following Carl back.

Hours later, night was falling. The others still weren't back at Alexandria, and you began to fret that they had all died. You had passed by the list of names painted on the wall earlier, feeling your hope just shatter before your eyes as you thought of any of them as dead. You returned home and Rick was confronting Carl.

"So you're not going over the wall? Ron told me you thought about it."

"Why would I?" Carl argued.

"Because Enid's been gone for some time-"

"She's been gone for _months_ , dad. I'm not chasing after her."

"Alright, alright. By the way, tomorrow, we're going to teach Ron how to shoot."

"Seriously?" Carl crossed his arms. "You trust him with a gun?"

"No," Rick admitted, preparing baby food for Judith. "We'll give him an unloaded gun. Look, he needs to know how to defend himself, I told him at the quarry-"

"Like hell you did." Carl interrupted, and you frowned, walking in.

"Carl, what's going on?"

"We're apparently teaching Ron to shoot a gun as if throwing his fists isn't enough."

"What does that mean? Did you have a fight with Ron?" Rick accused, glaring at his own son. Carl groaned.

"He swung at me first."

"It doesn't matter."

"Rick." You said, cutting everyone off as you waved your arms. "It's late, we all need sleep. I'll feed Judith, you just get some rest."

Rick hesitated, but you wanted a moment alone with Carl. Rick left, walking out the front door, and you sighed, sinking down in the chair as you placed Judith's baby food on her high chair, scooping spoonfuls into her mouth when she wanted it. Carl turned his back to you, his arms still crossed in defiance.

"Look, I get it. Ron's a pain in the ass." You said. "I saw the fight, too. I'm not going to blame you for the things he's doing. I just think that maybe you two are acting a bit childish."

"Childish?" He finally turned on his heel, looking at you. "I'm trying to keep him away from us."

"Yeah, good job at that. You invited him into our house earlier today."

"That's because there were people on a murderous rampage!"

"Still, you should've expected he would've said no."

"If I didn't offer, he'd have one more thing to hate me for. You can't blame me for trying."

"I suppose not." You sighed, emptying the jar of baby food as Judith began to look sleepy. "But still, I think you just need to stop talking to him. Trying to see if he's okay isn't going to work anymore. He isn't a friendly neighbor you play tennis with on Sunday evenings. He lost his dad and two girls he really liked. He's a fucked individual."

"I know that." Carl rubbed his temples. "I was just thinking maybe he wouldn't dislike me so much if I could fix things."

"Carl, you're never going to fix things with Ron. I thought you'd know that by now. He's just... too far gone."

Carl didn't reply. You put up the empty jar, taking Judith out of her highchair and walking upstairs with Carl trailing close behind. You placed her in her crib, which she was already falling asleep. You shut off the lights and locked the door as you closed it behind yourself. Hanging out in the hallway, you pressed your back against the door.

"Carl, are you okay?" You asked him, and he shrugged.

"I'm just... overwhelmed. Today was too much."

"I understand."

There was another yet awkward silence between you two. You weren't certain if it was just the lack of things to talk about or the exhaustion that washed over you. You looked around at the empty and dark house, forming an idea in your mind. You knew Rick would probably be out for a couple hours, so you had time to spare. Taking Carl's hand, you led him into your room and shut the door.

"What are you doing?" Asked Carl, and you shook your head, pressing a finger to your lips telling him to hush. He fell silent and you pulled him to the bed.

"You kissed me today, don't you remember? Do you have anything to say to me, Carl?"

"Ahh..." Carl hummed nervously, hunching his shoulders up to his ears as he glanced away. You knew he didn't want to break the ice first, so you took initiative.

"Nothing? Not even _you like me_?" You spoke softly, walking up to him and straddling his lap. "Come on."

"I'll admit, I do think you're really pretty. And scary." Carl joked, and you pinched his ear. "Ow!" He laughed under your hand.

"Such a backhanded compliment. Doesn't a lady deserve better?"

"Okay, okay! I like you, Y/N."

You smiled, your heart warming at that phrase. You wanted to hear him say it all the time. "Prove it." You suggested, and he rose an eyebrow.

"Then, can I kiss your neck? Last time I tried, you kind of freaked out on me."

"You can do anything you want." You determined, to which he blushed at.

"I'm not sure a-about that."

"Mmm..." You mused as he pressed his hot lips against your neck, trailing kisses down as he moved your hair out of the way. Lifting up your chin, you shut your eyes and enjoyed the blossoming warmth in each place he touched you. His fingertips traced your hips, and you loved it.

"Ah, Carl!" You cried out suddenly when he bit you. He pulled back with a satisfied smirk on his face. Frowning, you didn't want to give him that pleasure, so you planted your lips on his own and began to unbutton his flannel, then lift his shirt with your other hand. Pushing him back onto the bed, you allowed his tongue to battle against yours.

"Ffffuck, Y/N," Carl whined when you playfully began to suck on his neck, leaving dark purple and red hickies. Suddenly, something slammed against the door and it swung open. You bolted up off of Carl, seeing Michonne at the doorway. She rose an eyebrow, staring at you two.

"Should've knocked." She deducted, and you turned at least ten shades darker. "Sorry for interrupting, I'll leave you to it." Then, she shut the door.

Blinking, you looked at Carl, who sat up with messy hair.

"I think I should get some sleep, anyway," Carl said, smiling shyly.

"Wait, Carl!" You took his sleeve as he got up. "You don't want to stay?"

"It's not that... I just... I don't know..."

You pouted, but you knew you couldn't make him stay with you. So, you released his arm, but an idea popped into your head. "Wait, close your eyes. I'll give you something before you go."

"Okay." He agreed, shutting his eyes. You took his hand, steadily placing it against your breast. He blinked his eyes open, staring straight at you. His fingers trembled against your clothes, and you just gave him a lasting smile.

"I don't mind this time."

"Y-Y/N!" He stammered wildly, pulling his hand away. He then hurried out of your room, closing the door behind him. You giggled to yourself, laying back down on your bed with a happy sigh.

You had no idea that tomorrow would be the most horrific day of your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! I just watched S9 E1 and it was really good! I'm missing Carl, though... :(  
> Did anyone catch Judith's painting of her and Carl at the beginning? (SORRY, SPOILERS, BUT NOT INTENSE)


	11. Chapter 10

Waking up to yet another normal morning was probably more suspicious than it should’ve been, but you really had no idea what was going to happen. Rumor had it that Rick had visited Jessie last night and kissed her, swaying her heart. It felt sickening that Carl’s family was trying to get with Ron’s family, to say the least. For some reason, you knew that it wouldn’t last that long.

Getting out of bed, you prepared yourself for another normal day. You put on a blouse and a skirt, pulling your steel-toed boots on over your socks. Letting a sigh escape, you finally had the life you always desired: next to the people you love, spending every day as if it had never been affected in the apocalypse.

“Carl?” You called, walking down the stairs. You saw him and his father sitting in the kitchen with Judith, enjoying their morning. “Oh, hey guys.”

“Morning, Y/N.” They both said in unison, greeting you. You sat down to eat breakfast, feeling the hot sun through the glass window to your left.

“How did you sleep?” Rick asked, eyeing you.

“Fine, considering all the groans coming from outside.” You joked, but he didn’t seem amused.

“That’s good. Do you have anything planned for today?”

“Just the usual, helping Maggie and the others try to reinforce the panels around the town.”

He nodded, dipping his head. Carl stood up, washing his plate off and leaving it in the sink before he walked out of the kitchen. You suspected he was either still mad at his father or embarrassed at what happened last night. You amused yourself with the idea of the latter.

“Are you okay, Rick?” You asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m just worried, that’s all.”

“I can understand. All of us are worried, but it’s up to us to keep striving on. We lost a lot of good people.”

“I know. I can’t help but feel… responsible.”

“Don’t say that. You did everything you could, and it wasn’t your fault the Wolves attacked us.”

“I took most of our defenses with me to the quarry. You know I feel partially responsible.”  
“Well, you shouldn’t. You only did what you thought was the best, and nobody can blame you for that. Look at the bright side; Jessie, Carl, Judith, and I are all safe. The people that died yesterday wasn’t anyone close.”

“Glenn still isn’t back. We lost people at the quarry, too.”

“Glenn isn’t dead. I know he’s out there.”

He went quiet, not certain if he entirely believed that. Standing up, he stretched and took your empty plate, washing it in the sink.

“Thank you for the food.” You said softly, standing up and taking your knife sheath, strapping it around your belt on your waist before you headed out the front door. The stench of the dead was overwhelming, and you could hear them all scratching on the walls to get in. You could only pray that they’d stay out.

“Hey, Maggie.” You said, walking up to her. She looked dismayed and exhausted, heavy bags under her wide eyes. “Uhh, you don’t look so good.”

“Didn’t sleep well.”

“Look, I know you’re worried sick about Glenn, but I don’t think he’s dead.” You explained, and she gave you a warm smile before patting you on your shoulder. Leading the way, she had a small group of others already working on the walls. You helped lug around things, and the droning of the walkers was getting in your head like a buzzing fly. Maggie thought you looked a little distracted, so she sat down with you and allowed you to rest for a couple of moments.

“Are you feelin’ okay, Y/N?” She asked, leaning forward to examine your expression. You nodded slowly, taking a long swig of water.

“I’m just worried about Carl.”

“Why’s that?”

“Long story short, Ron is a fuckin’ maniac and Carl and Rick are teaching him how to shoot a gun.”

“Maniac or not,” Maggie smiled, “people do need to know how to defend themselves if we wanna keep these walls up.”

“I know, but Maggie, Ron really isn’t right in the head. He’s mad at Rick for killing his dad. You know, the one who used to beat him all the time.”

“He’s just a kid, Y/N. His normal life was stripped away from him when he was twelve, and he’s never had a chance to get it back.”

“You should see the things he does.” You muttered, and you saw a smaller person emerge from the shadows of the nearby house. It was Sam, who looked horrified. You stood up quickly, feeling guilty already.

“ _What?_ ” Sam asked in disbelief.

“S-Sam, wait.” You stammered, watching as tears balled up in his eyes before he began to jog off. You raced after him, grabbing his wrist. “Wait! Listen to me!”

“My brother isn’t messed up!” He cried.

“No, that’s not what I meant!” You lied. “Ron’s just upset right now, so please don’t tell him I said any of this.”

“I’m telling mom!” He ripped his arm from you, running off. You sighed, shaking your head. Now, what would you do? Maggie approached you from behind, resting a hand on your shoulder.

“Just let him go.”

“Jessie’s gonna tell Rick and he’s gonna kick my ass!”

“No.” Maggie laughed heartily, the first time you’d seen her happy since two days ago when she was kissing Glenn in his arms outside their house. “Just go explain to Rick what happened before he hears it from Jessie. Go. We can keep the walls stable.”

“Thanks, Maggie. I’ll talk to you later.” You said, waving to her as you jogged away. You had to find Rick, who was probably teaching Ron to shoot by now. There was no way they’d go out of the walls, so you looked all around the community, finally seeing them in the distance. But they had stopped training since it was past noon. You saw Carl striding down the street with confidence, probably looking for you. You then saw Ron stalking far behind him, holding something in his hand. You frowned, looking closer, and noticed it was a gun.

_That son of a bitch!_ You thought before you ran out, wrapping your arms around Carl’s. He looked at you with surprise, then a smile blossomed on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hey, no time to talk. Let’s go.”

“Rick!” Maggie let out a scream, running down the road towards Rick. You glanced over Carl’s shoulder, noticing Ron had already bounced somewhere with his gun. You couldn’t determine if it was loaded or not, but you hoped to God it wasn’t.

“Look!” She pointed into the sky. Green balloons floated so delicately, wafting above the clouds. “That’s Glenn! It’s Glenn!”

“Maggie, I-” Rick began, but there was a rumbling. It was loud and horrendous. A screeching that seemed to slow down time as everyone looked to the watchtower, watching as it began to shake and tremble, then topple over. As it crumbled into pieces, your grip on Carl’s arm tightened. Dust and dirt clouds began rolling over the rubble, and you saw figures pouring into the walls.

_Walkers._

The screams of the remaining survivors echoed around you and people began to go into a panic, turning and running.

“Carl, we have to go!” You said, shaking him.


	12. Chapter 11

“Everyone get back, go to your homes!” Rick screamed at the top of his lungs. You clenched Carl’s arm, looking at him desperately.

“Come on! We don’t have time to stay around!” You cried, pulling him away. He nodded, racing off in the opposite direction with you. You stumbled, tripping over your own feet. He helped you back up, lifting you into his arms as he raced away.

“It’s okay.” He cooed as you cried aloud, watching people get chased away by walkers. You saw Maggie in the distance climbing a ladder, and you watched as Rick and Deanna shot at the walkers, trying to keep a safe space between them and the dead. You felt terrible, knowing this might be the end. “We’ll be okay.”

“Carl, shut up!” You suddenly snapped. “You don’t know shit, okay?”

He fell silent as you reached the nearest familiar house: Ron’s. Slamming the door, Ron came barreling in moments later, panting wildly. You felt a great amount of disdain for him, but you bit your tongue to keep yourself from saying anything. Luckily, Judith was already spending the day here with Jessie, so she was safe. In came Michonne and Rick, carrying Deanna up the stairs into Sam’s room. Carl picked his little sister up, carrying her across the room. So much was happening, and all you could tell was that the amount of fear surging in the room was unbearable.

Ron had disappeared somewhere, and the only noise you could hear was Sam’s music and the gurgling of walkers outside.

“What’s going on with Deanna?”

“She’s hurt, back up Y/N,” Rick ordered, and you nodded slowly.

“Rick, it’s alright.” Deanna waved him off. Rick went downstairs as you and Michonne tended to Deanna, sitting beside her as she gasped in waves of pain. Michonne wrapped up her leg in bandages as Deanna whined with pain, her voice cracking. Rick came running up the stairs, entering the room again.

“How is she?”

“No offense to Michonne, but whatever she’s doing hurts like a son of a bitch.” Deanna slurred, still using her sense of humor. Your lips quirked up in a sad smile, holding onto Deanna’s hand.

“I just finished up with the leg,” Michonne began, focusing on Deanna’s wounds. She saw a patch of blood under her clothing and leaned forward, slowly tugging on her shirt, “and that seems to be the worst of--”

The entire room went completely quiet. If it weren’t for the walkers outside, you would’ve heard your own heartbeat.

Deanna was bit.

“Well…” She mumbled, her voice trembling. She was obviously holding tears back, trying to avoid crying in front of you and Michonne. Rick and she exchanged knowing glances, and you felt horror sink in. “shit.”

 

* * *

 

Carl walked down the stairs, opening the door to the garage. He knows he shouldn’t, but he really needed to check on Ron. Calling out his name, he entered slowly, watching as Ron was bent over a workbench.

“Hey, you alright man?” Carl asked timidly, walking up behind him.

“We’re all going to die.” He spoke, his voice shaking.

“Look,” Carl said, shifting on his feet. “My dad’s gonna figure something out. He always does.”

“That’s _bullshit._ ” Ron hissed, turning around to face Carl. His expression was almost pure concern, but the moment his eyes met Carl’s, they turned to hatred. “Your dad’s just gonna get more people killed. ‘Cause that’s what he does. That’s who he is. Your dad’s a killer.”

Carl, finding this annoying by now, snapped back at Ron. “So was yours.”

There was a silence, as Ron looked down with dejection. He shut his mouth, tightening his jaw and clenching his fists. Carl swore he looked like he was about to come swinging again, but Carl interjected.

“We need to work this out.”

“I’m _dead_ , Carl. My mom is dead. My brother is.”

“No, they’re not,” Carl argued, biting his lip. Ron must’ve really gone off the deep end now. “We’re gonna make it.” He said, but Ron was already pushing past him, walking out of the hot garage.

“Your dad-- you’re dead, too,” Ron said through his teeth. He looked at the white door in front of him, grasping the keys firmly and taking them out. He shoved them into his back pocket, chanting, “We’re all dead.”

Carl, seeing his plan, lurched at him and pinned him against the door, slamming him harshly. Ron tried to pull his gun out but struggled against Carl’s weight as they were sent tumbling into a shelf, causing it to fall over. Carl stumbled back and Ron fell on top of him but rolled off quickly. He grasped the handle of a shovel as Carl picked himself and his hat up, jogging to the other door. Ron raised the shovel above him, slamming it down, but Carl ducked out of the way. The shovel shattered a glass pane in the garage. Ron kicked at Carl, sending him back toward the door.

You heard the commotion as you were spending time with Judith. Jumping up, you raced down the stairs right ahead of Rick and Jessie.

“Carl!” Rick said, trying to turn the handle to the door, and Jessie called out her own son’s name.

“Carl, what’s going on? Let us in!” You said through the door, trying to budge it, but it was locked.

Meanwhile, Carl was being pinned against the shattered glass, held up by the neck with the handle of the shovel. Ron pushed harder and harder, causing the wind to escape Carl’s lungs. The walkers outside managed to kick open the yard gate, stumbling clumsily into the backyard. Just then, Carl placed his palms against the shovel and pushed back, pushing himself away from the grasp of the walkers.

“Back up!” You said to them, snatching the hatchet from Rick’s waist. You raise it up, bringing it down on the lock multiple times, each time with more seething anger than the last.

Ron was laying on the floor, bewildered at the sight of the walkers. Carl took initiative and pushed another shelf against the door, blocking the walkers from getting in. But, they pushed the shelf over down on the floor as Carl cried out for help to Ron. You managed to knock the lock off of the door, swinging it open.

“Come on, come on!” You said out to both of them, extending your hand. The walkers broke the glass, filing into the garage as Carl took your hand, pulling himself out before Ron did. Then, you quickly slammed the door in a walker’s rotting face. Pushing against the door, you tried to keep them from coming in, but it was getting to be too much.

“Here, move!” Rick said loudly above the groaning, holding the couch up in the air. Carl and Jessie helped him push it up as Ron and you moved out of the way. “We need more, and we need to be quiet,” Rick said to Michonne. Gabriel struggled with the couch, trying to put his entire weight against it.

“I’ll see what I can find,” Michonne said in a rush, running off.

“Me too.” Gabriel agreed as he followed Michonne. Ron and Jessie then began to put their weight on the couch, and Rick turned to look at his son.

“What happened in there?” He demanded loudly, and Carl looked hesitant to respond.

“We were looking for tools and knocked over a shelf.” Carl lied, which you obviously caught onto.

“We heard yelling,” Jessie said worriedly, pushing with her strength.

“Yeah, we saw them break through the gate, we had to move.”

“That’s what happened. Hey, there’s nightstands in mom’s room, I’ll go get them.” Ron quickly said and tried to go off upstairs. Jessie took his hand, looking at him.

“It sounded like you were fighting.”

“Yeah, but we were fighting them!” Ron raised his voice, afraid of being accused of something. He then walked upstairs, and Carl stopped pushing, backing up.

“Carl, it’s okay?” His dad asked him, and he nodded, panting.

“It’s okay.” He said, rushing off to get more support. You, Rick, and Jessie continued to lean your weight on the couch. Feeling like you couldn’t trust them alone, you nodded to Rick and then followed upstairs. Ron and Carl walked into Jessie’s room, shutting the door. You leaned in, listening to them.

“Listen, I uh--”

“Hand me the gun, grip first.” Carl demanded, and you heard a click. Was he threatening to shoot Ron? Now wasn’t the time to be fighting!

“Carl, I’m sorry.” Ron said deeply as the silhouette of hands traced over the window needily.

“Yeah, I know. Now give me the gun.” He demanded louder.

You couldn’t hear anything, except for Ron and Carl’s heavy breathing. You sweated, closing your eyes tightly and praying Ron would just give Carl the gun.

“Look, man, I get it. My dad killed your dad. But, you need to know something. Your dad was an asshole." The walkers growled, and you could feel the tension, so you quickly opened the door. They turned to look at you.

“He’s right, Ron.” You said, walking up beside Carl.

“Y/N, get out.”

“I know you two weren’t skipping around in the garage looking for wrenches to beat up walkers with.” You jeered, rolling your eyes. “I understand you don’t like Carl,” You looked at Ron, “But we’re kind of in a fucking situation where you need to grow some hair on your balls and stop being a jealous little kid.”

“Come on, Carl.” You said as Ron looked blankly at you two. You helped Carl pick up a nightstand and lug it downstairs to help hold the door. Ten minutes later, they were still fighting against the weight, but they were struggling on their side. Judith began to cry as everyone gathered in the living room. Rick went upstairs to get her.

It took another twenty minutes. You all gathered upstairs, and you held onto Carl’s hand tightly. You hoped this wasn’t the last time you would see him, so you kept pressing your head into his shoulder, trying to hold back sobs.

“We have to go to the armory.” Rick said to the others, and Jessie frowned.

“How?”

“We’re gonna gut these things. Cover ourselves with the insides, it’ll mask our smell and make them think we’re like them. I’ve done it before.” Rick explained as the others looked on in disgust. “We stay calm, don’t draw attention, we can move right through them.”

“More are coming.” Michonne said, her eyes wide. Michonne and Rick tore through the bellies of the walkers ruthlessly, causing everyone to grimace around them.

“Anyone who stays here is gonna die.” Rick says, turning to face their grossed out expressions.

“What about Deanna?” Gabriel asked. Rick didn’t respond, looking away from the others. He returned back to the squelching flesh below him. You took the sheets, draping them over yourselves as you carefully began to cup blood and decaying entrails onto your chest and back. You had Carl help you piece it all together until you were completely lathered down to your legs.

“We’re ready.” Said Jessie quietly, and Rick nodded. He left to retrieve Judith, who was safely placed under Carl’s cloak of blood. You then took Carl’s hand, standing in between him and his father as Rick led the way out. He pushed the couch, and the nearest walked eyed him down, unable to tell the difference. You felt your heart hammer in your throat. Was this really going to work out?


	13. Chapter 12

You all shuffled out of the garage, slow and steady to not make any sudden movements. Unable to breathe, you held your breath as you slowly released it through your nose. The stench was stinging your nose and your eyes were watering, but you were _safe._ Carl was safe. Everyone was walking in a crooked line, trying to get to the armory quickly.

You got off the steps, nearing the road. The entire community was full of walkers, roaming around, pushing and shoving each other to get on their way. A walker bumped into you and you stumbled, but gripped Carl’s hand tightly before you heard a soft call behind you.

“Mom?”

No answer.

“Mom!”

You turned to look at Sam, shooting him a dirty glance. He stopped whining, but his mother-- Jessie-- shook her head to him. It was tedious trying to travel with a child, especially a child who’s been through a lot. He could cost someone’s life. Rick led the group to an empty spot behind a bush, pulling everyone in behind him.

“Alright, new plan.” Rick said, his voice hardly above a whisper. “Flares from a few guns aren’t enough. Too many walkers, too spread out. We’re not going to the armory. We need our vehicles back at the quarry. All of us drive, we’ll need to round ‘em up. We leave, we come back.”

“Okay.” Jessie nodded, looking down distractedly. “But, Judith… to the quarry and back… I…”

“I’ll take her.” Gabriel offered. “Keep her safe in my church until you all get the walkers away.”

“Can you do this?” Michonne asked, and Gabriel nodded.

“I’m supposed to.” He said.

Carl sidled up next to Gabriel, tugging up his sheet so that Judith was exposed. You and the others helped cover the scene as Judith was exchanged hastily to under Gabriel’s sheet. Jessie looked concerned as Judith disappeared from sight, then looked to her younger son.

“Take Sam.”

“No.” Sam immediately said.

“Yes, Sam, it’s too dangerous.”

“Mom, I’m not.” He argued, shaking his head. “Not leaving you. I can keep going.”

“Sam--”

“I can keep going.” He insisted, leaning forward and gripping her hand. “Please.”

Everyone else was quiet while they argued, and Jessie simply let out a sigh. She nodded, agreeing, and Sam’s face relieved of the frown. Gabriel turned to Rick and reassured him, hushing Judith under his breath as he stalked away. Jessie, who seemed deep in thought, talked to Rick.

“He’s gonna make it, okay? I know it.” She said, and Rick took Sam’s hand. He began leading yet again. You clasped on Carl’s hand as Rick began to walk away, and you tugged on his sleeve. Carl looked down at you, his beautiful blue eyes clouded with worry.

“Carl, I... be safe.” You whispered.

“I love you too, Y/N.” He replied, his voice hardly audibly above the groans. You smiled bitterly, kissing his cheek before walking on. The sun was sinking below the horizon, casting long fuzzy shadows that slowly disappeared into the black asphalt as night fell. When the stars began to twinkle above you, you realized just how long you’d been walking for. Your feet began to ache in your boots, rubbing blisters into the heels. But, you couldn’t complain. As long as you made it out alive, you could take them off and run around in the grass outside the walls. But not now.

You had made it across the road, walking on the grass for a couple moments. You held Carl close, your heart racing. Suddenly, you were pulled to a stop. You watched Sam release Rick’s hand, dangling onto his mother’s, staring off in space. They called out his name very gently, trying to bring him back to reality.

“Sam? You can do it.” They kept saying, whispering, “You can do it. You can be strong. Listen to mom. Come on, Sam.” They were all practically begging. Sam began to whine, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I want to.” He cried, his voice loud and high-pitched.

_Fuck, fuck! Shut up, you brat!_ You cried in your head, pleading that the walkers wouldn’t pay attention. Suddenly, gnarly hands grasped at his face, pulling in and biting at his neck. He let out a guttural scream, crying out for Jessie. You watched in horror as she choked on her own sobs, repeating his name. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good.

Staying silent, you watched in horror how Sam was getting devoured, his flesh being torn at and ripped off the bones, coming in huge chunks. The walkers growled and snarled, pinning him to the floor as they hungrily ate him, all the while his screams echoed in your ears. When Sam’s screams died down, Jessie’s bloodcurdling cries stirred the rest of the walkers as they attacked her, despite Rick and Carl’s pleas. She looked blank, untroubled, and almost happy to be eaten alive. She knew she would be with her son. Ron panicked, watching his mother collapse to the grass. Rick shook his head in denial, hearing Carl call out to him. Jessie’s hand was still clasped tightly around his wrist, and she wouldn’t let go. Overcome with grief, Rick raised his ax and began to chop away at her hand. Finally, Carl was free, and you pulled him closer.

“You.” Ron said, training his gun on Rick. “You.” He repeated, more lowly this time. His gun clicked and you felt a surge of fear. Suddenly, Michonne’s katana pierced through his clothes, and his gun went off, the sound echoing. You watched Ron’s lifeless body slide to the ground, walkers flocking to him quickly. You looked at Rick, Michonne, and saw Carl. His hat hid his face, but he slowly turned his chin up, exposing an open wound where his right eye once was.

“Dad?” He asked, his other eye wide with fear. He stumbled and fell to the ground. You opened your mouth to scream in fear and agony, but nothing came out. Michonne quickly sheathed her katana, holding you and covering your mouth. You shook your head, sobbing grossly at this point. Michonne helped you up as walkers rounded near you, curious of the commotion. Luckily, they were too distracted by the three bodies lying on the ground.

“We can’t just keep walking. We need help now.” Rick said quickly, picking up Carl’s unconscious body. He ran with his son in his arms and Michonne mowed down a path of walkers with her katana. You followed, using your knife to kill ones that got too close to Rick and Carl. You raced over to the infirmary, Denise opening the front door. She slammed the door as you all piled in. They placed him on a table, and he looked so peaceful as he slowly slipped. You gripped Carl’s hand, sobbing loudly.

“Carl, don’t leave me! You can do it, you can pull through!” You cried, shaking your head. Tears fell on his hand as you nuzzled it. “I never got to tell you… I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

“Y/N, come on.” Michonne said, handing a towel to Denise.

“No! I’m not leaving his side!” You argued, barking at her. Denise continued to give out orders, working her magic. Michonne pulled on your arm, tugging you away from Carl. Rick slammed the front door as Michonne called out to him.

“Come on, I have to go help him.”

“This is his son. Wait.” Denise said to Michonne, her tone scary. The men behind Denise hopped up and walked out the front door to help Rick. You sat by Carl’s side, still shaking violently and holding his hand tightly.

“He’ll make it.” Denise said to you.

“I know, he has to.” You sighed.

It was half an hour later. Everyone was still gone, you stayed by Carl’s side. You refused to leave him, even as he remained unconscious. He was moved safely to a bed and Denise helped you change him into more comfortable clothes. You didn’t even bother to get embarrassed at the sight of his half-naked body, you were just concerned. Denise left you alone with him for a couple moments.

“Carl, please… you can do this.” You whispered, gripping his hand firmly. “I wish I had said something, I wish I told you that I love you. You said it to my face and I was too afraid to return the gesture. But, God, Carl, I love you. I love you so much.”

You heard yelling outside, knowing that people were joining together and fighting against the walkers. Suddenly, you heard a loud explosion. Hopping to your feet, you ran to the window and peered out, seeing a large fire enveloping the lake. You watched as walkers distractedly drew toward it, and you felt relieved.

Hours later, you stayed awake by Carl’s side. You wanted to fall asleep, and you felt guilty for not helping out outside, but the damage was done. When you looked outside, you only saw rotting corpses on the asphalt, and you knew they had won against the walkers. Plumes of smoke billowed into the sky, and people were gathering around, milling as if they had nothing better to do.

Rick walked in, soaked in blood. You stood up, looking apologetically at him.

“Is he okay?”

“He’ll be fine. Question is, are _you_ okay?”

“I’m alright. Everyone else is, too. You should go out there, see the others. They’re back.”

“Yeah.” You agreed, dipping your head slowly. “I just wanted to apologize… I wasn’t out there fighting.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize. You were here for Carl, that means the world to me. Thank you.” He said, suddenly bringing you into a firm hug. You blinked and patted him on the back until he peeled himself off of you, sitting beside his son. You carefully walked out, smiling at Daryl and Maggie, and the others were so delighted to see you. For once, you felt like you had a family. And you never wanted that family to disperse.

It only took a week for him to recover just enough to get up and going. When he first had woken up, you were next to him, asleep. He woke you up and you gave him the biggest smile, placing a big kiss on his lips. Now, you were helping him walk around his room.

“Look at you, you’ve gotten faster.” You mused, holding his hands tightly. He stumbled, and you caught him in your arms.

“Maybe I should slow down.”

“I don’t mind holding you, but you could’ve asked.” You joked, and he rolled his eyes. You helped him sit down on his bed, since doing things on his own was difficult with his now impaired vision. You had to make sure the door was shut before you advanced, wrapping your arms around him and kissing him lovingly. Tilting your head, you deepened the kiss.

“Thank you for helping me.” Carl murmured, and you nodded.

“Carl, I love you. Why wouldn't I?”

“I love you too.” He flushed, looking down bashfully. Even though the moment he had woken up you told him that exact thing and you had been saying it since, he would always get embarrassed. You stared at his chest, looking at his open shirt. You quickly began to tug it off of him.

“Y-Y/N?” He stammered, watching as you pressed warm kisses to his chest, trailing down his stomach and abdomen. You situated yourself on the floor in front of him, hands resting on his lap. You carefully unbuttoned his jeans and unzipped them, looking up at him. “I-I…” He trailed away as your hand gripped him through his jeans. Suddenly, the door swung open and you flew back, so far that you slammed into the wall. Rubbing the back of your head, you saw Denise’s tired smile.

“Did I interrupt?”

“N-No!” You stood up, dusting yourself off.

“Look, I’ve been trying to keep it a secret and give you two privacy, but it’s difficult when I have clients.”

“I know, and I want to thank you for keeping Carl here.”

“Well, yes, I need to continue checking his vitals. So far, he’s doing really well.”

“That means I can go home soon, right?” Carl said, turning to Denise. She nodded with a smile.

“Anyways, I just wanted to drop off some pain meds that Aaron found on a scouting mission. They’re perfect for this type of injury.” Denise held them out in a small orange bottle, and you took them gratefully, thanking her. Before she left, she walked up to you and handed you something. You looked in the palm of your hand, seeing a small box of condoms and a box of birth control. You panicked, looking up at her.

“Look, I promised not to tell Rick, but you gotta promise to me that you’ll be safe at least. I’m not delivering a baby anytime soon.” She smiled, patted you on your shoulder, and left to go hang out with Tara. Nervously, you shoved them behind you, but Carl knew exactly what they were.

“Do you… uh…” He shakily said.

“N-No! Not yet, at least! I want our first time to be romantic and cliche.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean when everyone’s gone-- we have the house to ourselves, you’re not hurting anymore, it’s night, we’re in my bed, and you make love to me without a condom.” You said very quickly, rushing it all out of your mouth. His jaw dropped and you sat down on his lap, hugging him. “Not anywhere else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY!!! End of spam for tonight. I had written 10k words in TWO DAYS, so I decided to upload them all. (Chapters 8-12)  
> Let me know how you're enjoying this series! I love writing it!


	14. Chapter 13

“Hey Carl?” You called, stalking into the clinic. It was night, and Denise was currently out, to which you knew. So, you were basically alone with Carl. You walked through the small hallway, opening his door slowly. You saw him lying in bed, reading a book. He took a couple moments to look up and focus on you, frowning slightly.

“Hey, Y/N. What’s going on?”

“Bath time!” You cheerily said, raising a towel into sight. He put the book down on the bed, sitting up slowly.

“Usually Denise helps me out with that.”

“Yes, well, she’s out on a date with Tara.”

“Date with Tara?” He repeated, and you nodded. You helped him up, holding his hand as you led him into the bathroom. He was quiet, and you let the lights dimly illuminate the room. You made sure they weren’t too bright so Carl’s eye could adjust to his surroundings.

“Is that really why she’s out?” He asked curiously, watching as you drew him a bath. You had to turn the knob for the hot water, then the cool water, and waited until it was a perfect temperature. You then plugged the drain, allowing it to fill up. For fun, you added in bubble bath.

“Yes, I’m serious. Besides, I love doing things for you. Now, stand up. Let’s get you undressed.”

“W-What?” He stammered, slowly rising to his feet. “Usually she just helps me in and out of the bath.”

“I was thinking we could take a bath together. Kill two birds with one stone sorta thing.” You offered, and he just reddened. You smiled. “It doesn’t have to be sexual unless you make it.”

He lifted his arms, and you helped him take off his sweatshirt. He insisted on taking his jeans and underwear off, so you allowed him to do that as you turned your back to him, taking off your clothes. When you were in your underwear, you made him face you.

“Let’s take this off.” You said, moving toward his bandage. He stepped back and you blinked. “What’s the matter?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Don’t worry, Denise taught me how to dress your wound. Come on now.” You cooed, reaching around and unwrapping the bandage from around his greasy hair. You took your time, and finally trashed the bloodied bandage. It was healing nicely, you deducted. You let him take his underwear off and get in first, then you got in behind him. Sighing as you sunk down into the warm bubbles, you could almost fall asleep.

“Doesn’t it feel nice? The bubbles are fun, too.” You giggled, picking them up and blowing them into his hair. He didn’t shift at all, sitting there hugging his knees. You combed your fingers through his hair, getting rid of all the knots, but he never said a word.

“What’s on your mind?” You asked, resting your hands on his shoulders.

“I just…” he looked down, his voice faltering away. You frowned, turning him to face you.

“What’s the matter? Carl, look at me.”

“No!” He refused, shaking his head. “How can you like someone like me? I’m a freak!”

You sat there in shock, sitting coldly in the hot water with wide eyes. Had Carl really just said that about himself? You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. You cupped his face with your hands, worriedly looking at his expression.

“Carl… I love you…”

“Why?!” He yelled, snapping at you. “I’m gross, disfigured!--”

“Carl, stop it! Stop saying those things!” You cried, wiping your face. “You are not ugly, you are not a freak, you are not disfigured! You got _shot_ , you can’t help that!”

“I just… hate myself.” Carl muttered, and you shook your head violently.

“Shut up, shut up now.” You replied, pushing on him. “I will never stop loving you, no matter what you look like, no matter who you turn into. You are and will forever be Carl Grimes. Someday, I’ll be Y/N Grimes. And we’ll have a happy family and a wonderful life. Because I will never, not once, give up on you!” You screamed, gripping him tightly. He was crying, and you had to continually wipe his tears, kissing his cheek softly.

“Thank you.” He whispered and you nodded in return. He melted under your touch, laying back on your chest as you kissed his ear, running your fingers along his shoulders and chest. He then shifted, rolling in the tub so that he would pin you, and he pressed kisses along your neck. You ran your fingers through his hair, holding him against you. You watched through narrowed eyes how he pushed the bubbles away, his hands running across your breasts underwater.

“Fuck, Carl, n-not here.” You managed to breathe out, but he wasn’t really listening. His fingers splayed across your chest, rubbing you, and you writhed under him in pleasure. “S-Stop, wait!” You said, and he suddenly snapped out of it. He released you, sitting back with embarrassment written all over his face.

“Sorry.” He murmured, and you nodded, covering yourself back up with bubbles.

“Later, okay? Let’s finish this bath.” You said, and he agreed to that. So, you helped wash his hair and body, and he helped wash yours. When the two of you were done, you aided him in getting out and then dressed his wound before you changed into something more comfortable. When you finally emerged from the bathroom, you led him over to his bed and then laid beside him, nuzzling his shoulder.

“I hope you’re not caught up on any of that from earlier.” You said.

“I’m just… struggling with self-confidence. I look terrifying. How will Judith ever love me?”

“Carl, don’t think about those things. Judith loves you, so does everyone else. Just because you got hurt doesn’t mean you’re unlovable.” You said, stroking his soft and damp hair. He shut his eye, enjoying the feeling of your fingers running through his hair. He reopened them and met yours, then quickly straddled you against the bed.

“Can we continue from earlier?” He asked, looking eager. You figured he was just being a usual virgin teenage boy, so you nodded. His hands traced over your shirt, lifting it up at the stomach and then over your breasts, seeing as you weren’t wearing a bra. He sat back, staring in amazement.

“Don’t stare too long.” You scolded, to which he shook his head quickly.

“It’s just that… you never fail to make my heart go crazy. Every time your eyes meet mine, I feel like I’m going to pass out.”

“Carl…” You whined, feeling tears ball up in your eyes. “That was so sweet, but we’re still not having sex.”

“N-No! I understand. That’s not what I was asking for.” He stuttered, and you quickly took your shirt off completely, allowing him to lean down and press kisses to your collarbone. You held him down, drowning in ecstasy. His fingertips trapped thrtips gently caressed your breast, trapping the bud of your nipple between his index and thumb. You let out a gasp, covering your mouth.

“Oh, keep doing that.” You begged as his tongue circled your areola. He clenched it between his teeth, rubbing your hips with his palms as you jostled upward into his touch. He took the band of your shorts, pulling them down around your thighs.

“Wait.” You told him and he leaned up, allowing you to sit up and recollect yourself. “Not yet.” You finally sighed, pulling your shorts back up. Carl, who didn’t protest at all, nodded in understanding and kissed your cheek, pulling your hair out of your face.

“Ah, uh…” Carl shifted awkwardly, gripping the blankets. “Do you… think you could…”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to see it yet.” You said, shrugging.

“I thought you already have! You were definitely ready earlier.”

“Only glimpses. Besides, I-I was just in the moment.”

“Now isn’t the moment?” He asked, tilting his head. You lightly punched his shoulder and he laughed.

“No, I think you should get some sleep anyway.” You stood up, putting your shirt back on. He took your wrist the moment that you were about to put on your shoes, and you glanced back at him with raised eyebrows. He was giving you a wide pouty expression, and if he had both of his eyes it might’ve made you swoon harder.

“Don’t go.” He whispered, and you chuckled, sitting beside him. “I don’t want to be alone.”

You suddenly felt something deep in your chest. You felt like you had to be there for him, otherwise you could never forgive yourself. Watching how helpless he’s been this past week, you couldn’t help but feel like you were in control from now on. It was your job to keep him safe and watch over him, and you knew you wouldn’t ever allow him to get hurt again. This was your chance to stop crying about your own things, and finally be able to take care of him, as you wished.

_I promise_ , you knew, _I will never let you go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some cute exposition till we get to the REAL JUICY STUFF!


	15. Chapter 14

It was a month later, and Carl was finally staying at home now. You had taken the time to help him as often as you could, going out on walks together. You had to be very patient with him or he would get stressed, so you stayed silent most of the time he needed help.

You would also often take more risky trips out of Alexandria, going on scouting missions and hunting in the woods with Daryl. No longer would you look at a walker and feel fear festering down in your heart, you now faced them confidently and credence that you’d be the one to survive. When given the opportunity, you would also attempt to kill any that you’d see. Carl admitted more about his past, opening up about Dale’s death and how he blamed himself for the tragic accident. You consoled him, reassuring it wasn’t his fault, but you had the same exact thing happen to you.

It was a Sunday morning, you knew because you kept track of the days on the down low. You got up early in the morning just to wake Carl up. You got dressed and pulled your hair out of your face, walking over to his room that’s just across the hall. You swung the door open slowly, seeing him all tucked in bed.

“Carl, wakey wakey.” You cheerfully said, approaching his bedside. You took his shoulder, shaking it. He groaned and rolled over, pulling the blankets over his head. “Come on,” you chortled, pulling the blankets off of him. He shivered and glanced up at you, a smiling appearing delicately across his face.

“Morning.” He simply said, and you rolled your eyes, helping him up.

“Come on, big day. We’re gonna walk to the pond.” You said, allowing him to sit on the edge of his mattress before you walked out and downstairs. Rick was already out doing his daily routine and Judith was spending time outside with Carol. So, you took it upon yourself to prepare Carl’s breakfast.

Actually, you had been doing so for the past month. You cut up fruit in small slices and gave it to him every single day. Of course it costed a lot of food, but you were one of the main people going out and getting food, so you knew your contributions were paid off. Slicing into a peach, you carefully removed the pit before placing it in a bowl with blueberries and pineapple. When Carl walked down the stairs, you sat at the table together eating breakfast. You loved to watch him devour his fruit hungrily, knowing he was going to get a lot stronger if he ate healthy.

When he was finished, you took his bowl and washed it for him, walking out of the house with linked arms. You made sure his hat was covering his face from the blinding sunlight before heading out into the street and walking together, enjoying the warm summer day. Usually, it was quiet but today you heard birds chirping. It was rare to hear them at all since walkers had a tendency to scare them away.

It took awhile to get to the pond, but you made it there today. Settling down next to the water, you rested your head on his shoulder, feeling a soft breeze against your exposed skin. When it got too quiet, you looked over at him, and saw he was looking down in deep thought.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” You asked, leaning forward. He didn’t blink and it took him a couple seconds to glance at you, but he finally responded.

“Ron.”

“Why?” You frowned, sitting back.

“I don’t know, I just am.”

“You better not be feeling guilty.” You said, rubbing his arm. “What happened was all his fault.”

“He was my best friend, Y/N. I took so many things from him in his life that made him happy. He’s not the one to blame.”

“Carl,” You snapped, interrupting him, “shut up. It was not your fault that his dad was an asshole and got himself killed. It was not your fault that Enid broke up with him. It was not your fault I chose you over him. He was messed up, even before you met him. He relied on other people to fix him, and he didn’t do anything for himself. Carl, you are _not_ a bad person, nor are you at blame for his actions.”

Carl sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “I just feel awful.”

“I know, we all do. Sam and Jessie didn’t deserve that.” You replied, looking at the blue sky with white cotton ball clouds. “They were good people.”

“I’m just happy I didn’t lose you too, Y/N.” Carl spoke in hardly above a whisper, and you smiled wearily, hugging him close. “I’ve been through so much. Sophia, mom, Hershel, Beth… I miss them so much every single day.”

“It’s okay to miss the people you lost in your life, as long as you continue striving forward. Everything you’ve been through counts up to now, as I sit here in your arms.” You looked back down at the water. “If the things in the past hadn’t happened, we would probably never be like this.”

“I’m thankful they did, then.”

The rest of the day was normal. You had no idea things would only take a turn for the worse in less than a month later. Later that night, you laid in bed, looking at your mother’s ring laying on the nightstand. The diamond sparkled under the lamplight, and you were hesitant to pick it up but you did. Looking carefully at it, you felt a sense of grief overcome you. Quickly shoving the ring into a drawer, you rolled over in bed and pulled the blankets over your head in a desperate attempt to escape.

You couldn’t.

You woke up in the woods. The air was cold and it was dark, you could hardly see your surroundings. You held your hands out, groping midair for trees and bushes, but you couldn’t feel or hear a thing.

“Hello?” You called out. The forest was dead quiet, you couldn’t even hear nearby walkers. Placing one foot in front of the other, you steadily walked in the tall grass. You saw a figure up ahead and squinted your eyes, quickening your pace.

“Hey! Wait! Look at me!” You cried, running at them. You placed a hand on their shoulder and as they turned, you saw a familiar face that dissipated into mist. “Mom?” You asked, but the figure was already gone. You attempted to step forward, but your foot hit against something and you tripped, falling and fading into darkness.

You sucked in a sharp breath, opening your eyes and looking around. You were drenched with sweat, sitting on your knees in a big clearing. Stunning lights were blinding your vision, but you caught a glimpse of someone standing in front of you, strolling around with ease. You didn’t want to move your head, but as you glanced in your peripheral you could see Carl and another man, and you felt a desperate urge to take Carl’s hand and run.

“--Eenie, meenie--” was all you heard from the person in the clearing.

“Moe.” You heard, seeing the figure pointing to Carl with a bat.

_CRACK!_

You jumped, leaning up in bed, panting and wiping your face free of cold sweat. You looked around, gripping your surroundings, and quickly got up, rushing over to Carl’s room. You opened the door but you paused once you saw he was still sleeping peacefully. Relief washed over you and you sighed, shutting the door tightly.

After all, it was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm...


	16. Chapter 15

You sat on the floor in the living room, playing with Judith and her toys on the plush carpet. There was a constant thudding in the other room, which was almost completely white noise at this point. Judith lifted up the red solo cup, babbling and grinning at what was hidden underneath. You laughed, brushing her hair out of her face. It was getting long, but you weren’t skilled at haircuts enough to do it yourself. You listened to the song playing in the background, which was Boston’s _More Than a Feeling_ that brought back memories. Rick stood up finally, strapping his belt around his waist.

“Do you have any toothpaste left?” Michonne asked, wearing a robe and a towel. You didn’t quite pay attention, but you heard Rick say something along the lines of no. You picked up a stuffed animal, playing as if it were alive. Judith giggled, pawing to grab the toy from you.

Carl was called to the living room and you glanced at him, giving him a warming smile. He flushed slightly, smiling back at you. They talked about toothpaste for a minute or two, something uninteresting. You simply watched Judith throw her stuffed animal up in the air.

“It’s time to change your bandage, and I need to borrow some toothpaste.” Michonne said. You hopped up, holding Judith in your arms.

“I’ll do it, you go brush your teeth.” You smiled at her, to which she returned gratefully. She disappeared and you handed Judith to Rick. Walking with Carl to the bathroom, he leaned in to you, whispering.

“Should we tell her I’m out of toothpaste?”

____________________________________

You were going with Rick and Daryl on a scouting mission, just the usual. The air between you and Rick was very serene, you enjoyed considering him a father. You couldn’t say much about Daryl, he was just another person to you. Maybe more important than some others, but still not by a lot.

One thing you really disliked about going on scouting missions is that you were straying away from Carl. He was vulnerable and weak, and you made it your priority to protect him with your life. You promised you would never let anything bad happen to him, but the promise was looking a little empty each time you left to go do something for the community. Carl seemed happy, though, even if you weren’t right by his side all the time. And when he smiled, you did too.

Eugene stopped the car to show the two others up front a map of places to look, then they began to drive off, leaving Eugene behind to close the gate. Rick continued to drive on the road that was layered with pine needles, dirt, and grass.

“Today’s the day.” He said, breaking the silence.

“Uh-huh.” Daryl agreed.

“We’re gonna find food, maybe some people. The law of averages has gotta catch up.”

“I don’t know, we haven’t seen nobody for weeks.” Daryl looked at the map, laying his accent on thickly. “Maybe we ain’t gonna find nobody.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing.” You piped up, remembering the Wolves that attacked Alexandria two months back. The silence in the car wavered over all three of you, causing an awkward silence. Rick fumbled with something in his hand, and you saw the holographic shine of a CD. Smiling, you heard Daryl groan in agony.

“Don’t. Please don’t.” Daryl pleaded.

Loud music began to roar in your ears, and Daryl just rested his hand on his temples. “Draws them away from home!” Rick said above the music, but you knew that was just an excuse. Rick loved listening to music, you’d often catch him bobbing his head in beat. You began too, also, and caused Daryl to just bathe in anguish.

It took twenty minutes, but you managed to pass your turn. You held the map up, frowning. “Wait, back up. We had to take that last turn.”

Without hesitation, Rick began to simply drive in reverse, going faster and faster until he stopped in the intersection. He turned his wheel and drove on the correct road. Another twenty minutes passed and you spotted the sorghum barn off in the distance and pointed to it. Rick pulled over, parked it, and you all got out, handling your guns closely. You watched as Rick inspected around the perimeter, and you did the same as Daryl dug around in his bag.

“Hey, hold up.” Daryl said out to both of you. You turned to look at him, and he nodded. “It’s best to be safe. You cover it?”

“Yeah.” Rick said, jogging back over to Daryl’s side. He held his gun up and you aided Daryl in pulling the rickety metal door up, sliding it into the air as dust and dead insects fell from the movement.

“We’re good. One more time?” Rick piped up, scoping the area and lowering his weapon as he rounded the truck that was nestled safely inside of the barn.

“It ain’t locked.” Daryl frowned, crouching to look at the truck. You shrugged.

“Maybe it’s been looted already.” You suggested softly, and the other two men didn’t seem too happy to hear about that. Readying your guns, you and Rick stood back as Daryl began to pull up different levers, shoving aside his things before he pushed the door up mightily. As the light filtered in and revealed piles upon piles of canned food, medical equipment, and even bags and crates, you felt relieved and chuckled to yourself.

“Well, how ‘bout that.” Rick grinned to himself, trying to hide his excitement, “The law of averages.”

“Yep.” Daryl grunted, hopping up and inspecting some items. Rick did the same and you leaned in curiously, but you kept an eye for walkers that could potentially draw near from the outside. You saw Rick pick up a box of toothpaste, and you sighed happily. Maybe things could go right for once.

“Let’s get this thing going--grab our gear, come back for the car later--take another way back. We’ll see what we can see.” Rick ordered, and you nodded. Daryl took a step back, closing the rickety metal door and shutting it tightly. You rolled your shoulders, having a pep in your step.

“Think it’ll start?” Daryl asked, and Rick nodded.

“Yeah, I do.”

So, the three of you piled in. Actually, you had to carefully place yourself in between the seats, since there was enough room. It was incredibly uncomfortable, but you handled it really well. Rick hotwired the truck and you all were off back home. But, Rick saw a gas station up ahead, and began to pull in. When it stopped, Daryl immediately hopped out and began to walk away, and you had to climb out of his side before Rick got out. You didn’t know why they stopped, but you watched as Daryl milled around the side of the gas station, looking around, and then finally his eyes rested on a vending machine.

“Yo, give me a hand with this.” He said to both of you. You walked over, placing your weapon safely around your shoulders before doing as he said, and hauling it up. “Let’s flip it over.” He clarified, and you nodded in agreement as you all put your strength to the test and began to push it on its edge, but suddenly people were faltering and you all had to drop it.

“I don’t think we got it.” Rick said, sighing and looking away. Daryl looked back at the truck, then the vending machine, and his eyes lit up visibly, and you knew that something was forming.

“I got an idea.” He said, taking nearby chains. He began to swiftly tie them around the back end of the truck, and Rick knowingly got into the driver’s seat. Connecting the vending machine and truck, you stood back as Rick pulled the vending machine on its side. Daryl whistled softly, and Rick parked the truck.

You watched as Rick walked back over, frowning with his hands on his hips. “It’s soda and candy, why the trouble?”

“It wasn’t any trouble.” Daryl said softly, his accent making it hard to hear him. But, you swear, that wasn’t the only reason. You could hear distant tapping, and before you noticed, something whipped past you and at Rick, bumping into him. He grunted, nearly falling, but regained his composure quickly.

You saw the figure, a man with long hair and a cloth over his mouth, and you were immediately reminded of those thugs you ran into with Carl months ago. You frowned, and all three of your hammers clicked as you pointed your guns at the stranger. He held his hands up defensively.

“Hi,” The stranger spoke, out of breath. For some reason, though, his eyes felt peaceful and calm. You could never imagine letting your guard down around someone like that, but you caught yourself nearly doing so.

“Back up, NOW!” Daryl practically screamed, his voice gruff.

“Keep ‘em up!” Rick added.

“Woah, easy guys.” The stranger said, shifting a couple steps back. “I was just running from the dead.”

“How many?” Daryl questioned, as Rick began to back up. His eyes passed over you, and you bit your lip, your gaze returning to the stranger.

“Ten, maybe more.” He replied “I’m not risking it. Once it get to double digits, I start running.”

“Where?” You piped up, cutting Daryl off. He was just about to ask the same question, until you took Rick’s spot, closer to the man now.

“About a half a mile back?” He guessed, his eyes now landing on you. “They’re headed this way, you probably have around eleven minutes.”

You hesitated and looked back at Rick, watching as he lowered his gun, holstering it quickly. “Okay, thanks for letting us know.”

 _What? You’re just gonna let him off like that?_ You wanted to protest and cry, but you clamped your mouth shut. You heard the stranger mutter a yeah, then continue. “There’s more of them than us, right?” He tilted his head and you stared him down, slowly placing your gun away. “Gotta stick together, right?” He leaned out, mostly looking at Rick. “You have a camp?”

“No.” Daryl immediately lied, and Rick stepped forward again.

“Do _you _?” Rick asked, narrowing his eyes. You shifted, crossing your arms.__

__“No.” The stranger said, his voice muffled. “Well, sorry for running into you. I’m gonna go now.” He turned away, walking, “If this is the next world, I hope it’s good to you guys.”_ _

__“I’m Rick--“ Rick began, his voice heightened. “-this is Daryl and—“_ _

__“Y/N.” You said, glancing over at him. Rick hesitated a few moments before asking the stranger for his name. The man turned very slowly on his heel, and he tugged down the cloth wrapped around his nose and mouth._ _

__“Paul Rovia.” He introduced himself, swinging his arms out. “But my friends used to call me Jesus. Your pick.”_ _

__Well, that totally wasn’t sketchy. You saw the similarities in the depictions of Jesus and this man, which you understood why he was nicknamed that, but you weren’t sure if you should act entirely buddy buddy right now._ _

__“You said you didn’t have a camp.” Rick looked around, then back at Jesus. “You on your own?”_ _

__“Yeah. But still, best not to try anything.”_ _

__“Best not to make threats you can’t keep, either.” You said, cutting Daryl off. Your guess, he was going to say the exact same thing. You must have a knack for cutting in at the perfect time. Jesus looked at you now, focused._ _

__“Exactly.” Jesus grinned, turning and jogging away._ _

__“How many walkers—“ Rick tried to ask, but Daryl turned toward him and shook his head violently._ _

__“No, not this guy.” Daryl said, and you nodded in agreement. Rick didn’t seem to notice or care._ _

__“How many walkers have you killed?” He asked again, but Jesus was already cheesing it._ _

__“Sorry, gotta run. You should, too. Think you’ve got about seven minutes.” He replied, disappearing behind the gas station._ _

__After a couple moments, Rick and Daryl discussed how Jesus was clean and shaved. There was no way that he could’ve been on his own, and Daryl protested very passionately._ _

__Gunshots echoed from behind the gas station and the three of you looked up suddenly. Daryl and Rick went off, but you lingered behind, watching them. Suddenly, you heard the vehicle start up as Jesus slammed the door._ _

__“Hey!” You screamed, pulling your weapon out. Clumsily fumbling with it, you began to shoot at the truck, but it was pointless. Running out to the road, Rick and Daryl followed up. You knew you’d be blamed for this._ _


	17. Chapter 16

“I’m so sorry, I should’ve—“

“No.” Rick said, shaking his head toward you. “You did everything you could. There’s a trail, let’s follow it the best we can. Come on.”

He began to jog, and Daryl did shortly behind him. You tried to keep up, but your stamina was nothing compared to theirs since they were two grown adult men. You forced yourself to keep on, thinking of Carl. What if this Jesus man hurt Carl? You’d never allow it, but if it did happen you would also never forgive yourself either.

To imagine Carl getting hurt gave you a sudden burst of adrenaline as you pushed your boots off of the asphalt ground. Surpassing Rick and Daryl, you managed your breath steadily before you maintained a pace that was faster than the two of them. You saw the vending machine up ahead and you slowed down, watching Daryl inspect it.

“Daryl, what’re you doing? We need to catch this son of a bitch.” You gasped for your breath, heaving yourself up to stay balanced. Rick nearly fell on the ground as he placed his palms on his knees, bent over and wheezing, his gun already in one of his hands.

Daryl didn’t answer you, instead he reared back, smashing the glass pane in without breaking a sweat. He reached in, fumbling around, and grabbed multiple things from the machine. You frowned, shrugging your arms up in defeat. Finally, he held up orange Crush soda in his hands.

“This was a special request from the doctor.” He explained, popping open the side of a can swiftly and chugging from it. He handed it to Rick, who drank modestly, then you, who finished it off and tossed the empty can on the road.

“Hey, whatever she wants.” Rick nodded, wiping his mouth free of droplets of old and flat soda. “She saved Carl’s life.”

You fell silent, staring at Rick.

“We didn’t know her, and she turned out to be alright. If there’s still people out here-- and they’re still people-- we should bring ‘em in.”

“What, like this guy?” Daryl glared at Rick, and so did you.

“No, not this guy.” Rick approached the broken machine and took some extra candy bars from it, before following Daryl in a jog after the short break. You guessed to yourself that was your signal it was time to go, so you followed without another word.

________________________________________________________________

It took about half an hour to finally catch the sight of a truck. Actually, you were jogging ahead when you noticed the top half of the vehicle, then you suddenly dropped low to the ground, peering over the blind hill over at Jesus, who tended to the truck.

When Rick and Daryl caught up, you three headed out into the woods to approach the vehicle at a better angle. Nearing the truck, you handled your gun and stepped around patches of thick crunchy leaves and scattered dry sticks. Rick nodded to you and Daryl, breaking off and going in the opposite direction. You sat in the underbrush as Daryl left the other way, too. Watching Jesus close the back of the truck, you saw Rick steadily run up behind him and clobber him, wrapping his arms around him tightly and whispering something harshly in his ear. You took the hint and quickly jogged up, aiming the gun to Jesus’s face. Daryl was just walking up when Jesus swiftly ducked out of Rick’s arms, jumping up and knocking your gun clean out of your grip. You fumbled, looking dazed, as he then attacked Rick and made him fall to the ground. Daryl then attempted to end Jesus, but Jesus whacked him in the arm and twisted it, managing to disarm Daryl. You ran to your gun, but Jesus kicked it under the truck. His eyes turned up to you.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“A shame, really.” You murmured, rushing at him and barreling him into the side of the truck. He grunted, but tussled with you willingly. Before he threw you down, Rick grabbed him roughly and slammed him against the asphalt, giving you a moment to breathe. Rick and Daryl both then armed themselves yet again, pointing to Jesus.

“This is done.” Rick growled, his voice low. The nearby gurgling of a walker alerted all three of the men, and you reached under the vehicle to take your gun back, and approach Jesus.

“Do you even have any ammo?” Jesus shrugged. Both Rick and Daryl didn’t hesitate in shooting the nearby walker, allowing it to cripple and fall to the ground before aiming back at Jesus. “Okay.” He sighed, defeated. “Gonna shoot me over a truck?”

“There’s a lot of food on that truck.” Rick raised his eyebrow, tilting his head like he usually did. “The keys, _now._ ”

“I think you know I’m not a bad guy.” Jesus said, his voice completely calm despite being pinned to the ground by three separate gun barrels.

“We don’t give a shit,” You spat, eyes narrowed. Daryl eyed you from the side, and you immediately hushed. Rick asked for the keys again, his former police officer side emerging in true light. Jesus, showing both of his hands, carefully reached into his pocket and handed Rick the keys. You lowered your gun when Rick ordered you to fetch some rope, which you happily did. You began to tie his ankles and hands together.

“You’re really gonna leave me like this?” Jesus asked, and you shrugged.

“I’m not good at knotting rope, you’re lucky.” You said, while Daryl and Rick inspected and spoke quietly by the truck.

“You’re a young girl. Why are you out here with those two?” Jesus said, nodding to the two others. You briefly looked at them and shrugged. Although Jesus was sneaky and crafty, you didn’t feel a smidge alarmed when around him. In fact, he gave off a rather calming aura that put you at ease rather than on edge.

“I’m not doing this for them,” You sighed, rolling your neck as you fastened a rope.

“Then who?”

“None of your business.” You sat back, examining the ropes before tending to them again.

“Really, I doubt we’ll run into one another again. You can’t tell me?” Jesus asked, iching his way into your mind. Really, you loved to gush about Carl, but you bit your lip, until he began to list off people.

“A parent? Family member? Sibling? Maybe it’s a… _lover_?” You stifled at that, pausing your movements. He smiled to himself. “Ohh, so it’s that. Girlfriend? Boyfriend?”

“His name’s Carl.” You caved in, feeling a little guilty for tying him up like this. You think, if you weren’t enemies, you’d like him a lot more. “I’d do anything to protect him.”

“Then, why’re you out here?”

You didn’t answer, not yet at least.

“See, I care about a lot of people too, but if I were wanting to protect them, I wouldn’t be out here fighting strangers over a truck.”

“To take care of him, then.” You corrected yourself, and he chuckled softly.

“It’s sweet of you, really. You’re not like the other two, so how’d you get mixed up with them? You clearly have a community somewhere.” Jesus prodded, and you took off your backpack, unzipping it.

“And so do you,” You said, looking at him. “But looks like neither of us are gonna spill, so let’s just leave it at that.” Then, taking an orange Crush out of your bag, you set it down neatly beside him. “In case you get thirsty.” You nodded, standing to your feet and waving before returning to Rick and Daryl. They hopped into the vehicle, hesitated, then started it up and began to drive.  
It didn’t take long, but you all were on the road, feasting on the stale chocolate bars that you snagged from earlier. Listening to country music and driving down the dirt road, you all spotted a barn in a field not too far off. Talking and laughing, you were happy with your win, and you knew Carl would be too.

_Bang, bang._

The music still continued as the vehicle rolled into the grassy field, but you frowned. Quickly reaching, you turned the music all the way down. There, you heard it again.

_BANG BANG!_

“What in God’s name?--” You began to ask, until suddenly Daryl interrupted.

“I think that son of a bitch’s on the roof!” Daryl shouted, and Rick frowned, slamming his foot on the brake. The car screeched with aching pain and Jesus flung off the window and hood, onto the grass. Shocked, you stared up ahead, where Jesus rose to his feet slowly, then broke into a mad dash away from the car. Rick hit the gas, the car lurching forward and nearly slamming your face on the dashboard. Daryl swung the door open and you followed, chasing after Jesus as Rick called out both of your names.

You raced around the field, following Jesus’s exact footsteps. Rick reversed the vehicle, and Jesus hopped around, dodging attacks from both you and Daryl. Just then, Rick parked and got out, and the nearby walkers tied to the abandoned trucks freed themselves, approaching Rick as you and Daryl rounded Jesus, blocking him off. He whirled, running the opposite direction.

“We came to a conclusion, asshole!” Daryl screamed in anger, and you were slowly running out of breath. You had to slow down to a stop, landing your palms on your knees as you gasped for air. Jesus slammed the door open, trying to fumble with the keys, but Daryl grabbed at him, pushing and slapping for dominance. You watched a walker stumble up behind Daryl.

“Daryl, behind you!” You screeched, and suddenly he ducked, having Jesus shoot the walker dead. Suddenly, there was a small tussle, and the truck began to roll backwards. “Wait, no, no!” You ran after it, attempting to grab at it. Daryl and Jesus rolled out of the door onto the grass, and you nearly touched the hood before the back end of the truck submerged itself into the muddy pond. “Fuck!” You screamed, collapsing to your knees beside the unconscious Jesus. Daryl and Rick walked up behind you, sighing angrily.

“You alright?” Rick asked Daryl, to which he grunted an agreement.

“Yeah, law of averages. That’s bullshit, man.” Daryl stared out as the truck completely disappeared beneath the surface of the rippling waves. “Let’s go check the cars and get the hell out of here.”

“What about the guy?” Rick asked, turning to watch Daryl.

“What about him?”

“Well, he helped you.”

“Maybe.”

“He ever pull a weapon on you?”

There was silence between the two older men, and you just sat in defeat, staring at the multiple bubbles that resurfaced where the truck had gone. You felt nothing but grief and idiocy, you were practically kicking yourself for allowing that to happen. “Fine.” Daryl gruffly said, walking up to Jesus. “Let’s put ‘im up a tree.”

“No.” You said, looking at Daryl. “He might’ve been a fuckin’ pain in the ass, but he’s a good man. I say we take him to Alexandria. We can place him in a cell, no problem. If he’s out for awhile, that is.”

The two men debated on it while you all cleared the nearby cars. Luckily, there was one silver car that seated enough people and still had the keys handy. You had cleared it of walkers before Daryl and Rick tied up back up, placed him safely in the car, and you all climbed in to go back home. Sitting in the passenger side next to Rick, you could see the visible disappointment on his face.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t save the truck.” You sighed, rubbing your face as you pulled your legs up in a criss-cross position.

“It ain’t your fault.” Rick said, checking the mirror to examine Jesus, who was still vastly asleep.

“But we went out today looking for supplies, and we’re coming home with nothing.”

“Not really.” Daryl said, shaking the last can of orange Crush in his hand. You knew he was just trying to cheer you up, since you were still really just a kid with shattered high hopes. You smiled only a little, but it dissipated quickly.

“Besides, we have a prisoner. If we’re lucky, he might tell us where his camp is.” Rick replied. You nodded, pondered, and finally answered again.

“What will you do to them, if he does tell you?”

Rick didn’t reply, and that’s what terrified you the most. Not the stranger in the back, not the fact there’s others out there, but what Rick was capable of and what he wouldn’t hesitate to do. From what you could tell, Jesus was a good man who was just trying to provide for his own people. Essentially, you and him were the same. Trying to protect and care for your people.

It was pitch black outside, and you could see the vivid lights of the shining stars. You smiled, feeling warm and bubbly once you caught sight of the north star. How brilliantly it shimmered and shined, you felt as if someone you loved dearly was looking at the same star too. Rick stopped outside the gates of Alexandria, flickering his lights, as he and Daryl spoke lowly to one another. You didn’t eavesdrop, you weren’t interested enough. When you got into the gates, you unloaded the car slowly. You were about to help Daryl carry Jesus to Denise’s, but Rick placed his hand on your shoulder gently and turned to you face him. Beneath the moonlight, you could see how soft his expression was.

“I got it, Y/N, don’t worry.”

“B-But--”

“Go home, to Carl.” He motioned off toward the house. You blinked then nodded, jogging off in the distance as Rick and Daryl lugged the unconscious stranger into Denise’s clinic. You could see the faint lights from the porch, and you saw Carl sitting outside holding Judith and pointing to the sky. Your jog slowed into a calm pace, and you walked up the stairs. One Carl laid his eye on you, it lit up so brightly, you could’ve mistaken it for the very star you looked at earlier.

“Hey, you.” You said, walking up slowly by his side. You sat down in an empty chair, holding a finger out for Judith to take. Carl exchanged a loving glance with you. “How was your day?”

“Okay, I guess.” He shrugged, and Judith babbled very softly behind her pacifier.

“You guess?” You took his hat, playing with it. He frowned, looking closer at you, and reached a hand to your cheek, brushing against it. Something stung, and you flinched. You must’ve gotten a small minor cut there. “Ah, long day.” You mused. “Veeeery long day.”

“You should get some rest, you can tell me all about it in the morning.” Carl laid his head back against the rocking chair, but you shook your head.

“I’m gonna wash up first, meet you in my room?” You suggested, and he took a moment to agree silently. You walked indoors just as Michonne approached Carl on the porch, talking to him in a very gentle tone, so much so that you couldn’t hear her. When you took your shower and put on a robe, Carl was already relaxing in your bedroom. You drew closer to him, sitting on the bed beside him.

“I put Judith to bed.” He groaned, rubbing his eyes. “Having to watch her all day isn’t that much fun. How was your day?”

“Long, tedious, and so annoying.” You whined, explaining the whole situation to him in a soft tone. During the entire time you told your story, Carl watched you with a smile spread across his lips and his eyes staring into your own. After you had finished, you heard creaking up the stairs and the master bedroom door shut. You figured Rick was going to sleep, so you didn’t have to worry about him hearing anything. Crawling over to Carl, you placed your lips against his, feeling a familiar warmth that brought nothing but happiness to you.

His hands traced over your soft robe, and he tugged gently on the shoulder of it, pulling it down. He then greedily groped at your exposed breasts, and you pushed yourself to straddle him, pinning his arms down above his head.

“I think that’s far enough, you pervert.” You giggled, and he flushed a dark hue. You loved to tease him, especially since you knew that he would always get incredibly embarrassed and would hardly be able to handle it. You could just begin to feel a heat rub against your inner thigh, when you heard something hit the wall from the other side. Frowning, you both paused, and you heard the squeak of an ancient mattress, and very muffled moans.

“Oh.” You simply said, and you burst into laughter, leaning down and wrapping Carl up in your arms. “Looks like we’re not the only ones having fun tonight.”

“Gah-- Y/N…” He trailed away, rolling on his side away from you. You simply shut your eyes, hugging him, and wished this moment would never end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some softcore at the end, nothing super dramatic.
> 
> I really hate having to watch each episode over again to try and follow the dialogue, so I might really just skip over most of this stuff. Can we get to the part where Negan's a thing?


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Consensual Oral Sex! You've been warned!
> 
> Carl's 17 here. He may not be a legal adult, but he is able to consent. Technically, there are no laws anymore, but it's whatever I suppose.

Lying the arms of the person you love is only one of the good things about your life. You of course, had a list, but most of the things included Carl. Whether it be the way he walked, talked, smiled, or laughed, all of it was yours and safe in your fingertips. You woke up under the blankets, nestled tightly against his broad chest. You woke him up gently by shaking him, and feeling the way he swayed and then let out a short-lived groan. It was still in the middle of the night, so you stood up and got dressed, but you heard loud footsteps outside the hall. Frowning, you knew it wasn’t Rick or Michonne. Neither of them carried themselves that way, where the footsteps were careful on the wood flooring.

“Carl.” You whispered to him, looking at him. He sat up, brushing his hair out of his face. His eyes looked over to you, but noticed your alarm and immediately got up, grabbing his gun. The two of you carefully peeked out the door, pushing it open and moving forward. You saw a long-haired man seat himself carefully down on the stairs. “Shit,” You cursed under your breath, and you walked firmly close, clicking your hammer. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” You said in a demanding voice.

“You sleep here too?” Jesus turned to look at you, his blue eyes sparkling. “I’m waiting for Rick and his… _friend_ to get dressed.”

Carl walked up, pushing the barrel of his gun against Jesus’s skull. You shook your head to Carl, looking at him. “It’s okay, Carl.” You whispered, and Jesus looked at Carl now.

“You’re Carl. You two make a very cute couple.”

“Stop it with the sly remarks.” You threatened, feeling heat blossom on your cheeks.

“How does he--” Carl began, but the front door opened and in swarmed a large group of people, right as Rick and Michonne ran out into the hallway, looking at Jesus. You shuffled in front of Carl, pushing him back as you held your position, your gun posed at Jesus’s head. You wouldn’t allow him to hurt Carl, if it was the last thing that you did.

“I-It’s okay.” Michonne stumbled over her own words, waving her hands to all of you. Daryl, who was leading the others, nodded to them and they all lowered their weapons. Michonne looked at you expectantly and you heaved a big sigh before putting your gun away.

“You said we should talk.” Rick said, his voice echoing off the walls. “So, let’s talk.”

Everyone was given some time to calm down, get dressed, get ready, and whatnot. By the time you were ready, everyone was seated in the kitchen downstairs. You sunk down slowly next to Carl, who exchanged a glance with you before Rick started talking to Jesus.

He explained firstly of how he escaped, which he made it sound like it was a walk in the park. You reminded yourself of yesterday, where he had escaped the tightly knotted rope as if it were nothing. You thought to yourself you’d be up to listening how he does it.

Then, he went on to speak about how Rick and his people are good. How that when Rick, Daryl, and you knocked him cold, you took him back here instead of leaving him.

“Y/N, especially you. You showed me kindness and your humanity. If it weren’t for you, I might not be alive.”

You blushed with embarrassment. “Yeah, well, you seemed like a good guy too. I didn’t want to just leave you out there.”

“See, that’s the thing,” Jesus said with a knowing smile, “you didn’t. You could’ve left me, but you didn’t.”

When he finished flattering you for your kindness, he then finally got to his origins. He explained he was from a place named Hilltop that was looking to trade and ally with more groups. This brought a sense of excitement, as then he offered to take Rick and some others to go see Hilltop. You of course wanted to go, so you nodded intently. Maggie asked about other groups, and Jesus slowly leaned back with a grin on his face.

“Your world’s about to get a lot bigger.”

________________________________________

You began by helping Carl fill extra tanks with gas, wiping your hands down as Rick walked up to the two of you with a small smile. Judith groped the air toward you and you held your arms out, taking her from her father’s grip and placing a small loving kiss against her soft wispy hair. You bounced her in your arms to get used to her weight, listening into the conversation.

“You sure?” Carl asked his father.

“No. But if he’s telling the truth, this could be the start of everything.” Rick sighed, wiping his forehead free of sweat. Chatter was heard from the porch and you saw Michonne walk Jesus down the steps. You could see Rick’s expression change to realization and he looked back to his son. “Look, I was going to tell you about me and Michonne, but it just happened— _just_ happened. Last night. This— this is different…”

Carl just broke out into a small smile, finally meeting Rick’s gaze. “It’s cool.” He simply replied.

“Alright.” Rick sighed relief, nodding frantically to try and reassure himself. “Well, get your stuff. You too, Y/N. Gabriel can take care of Judith while we’re gone.”

“No, I’m not going.” Carl shook his head. You whirled to meet his eye, confused as hell. You really wanted to go, didn’t he know that?

“Huh?” You asked him, as if you hadn’t heard him correctly. “Carl, we should go.”

“No, no… someone should stay back, keep this place safe. A kid with a messed up face probably isn’t the best first impression, anyway.”

You felt a sharp pain in your chest and your throat tightened so quickly. Why was he suddenly feeling down? This wasn’t like him at all! You frowned, so shocked and unable to speak, and Rick just stared at his son before picking up the container of gas and wandering away. You gripped Carl’s arm, pulling him to the side so that nobody could hear you.

“What the hell was that?” You scolded, towering over him with anger bubbling beneath your surface.

“What?” He crossed his arms in defense.

“That. Just now. Why did you say that to your dad? You’re not some monster, you know that, right?”

“I know.”

“So why would you say that?” You pleaded, taking one of his hands in yours. “I can’t believe you would just… think that.”

“Y/N, coming along?” Abraham called out to you, and you shook your head to him. He nodded, shouted some words, and everyone piled in and left Alexandria.

“Why aren’t you going?” Carl asked. “Thought you wanted to.”

“I sure as hell would love to, but I’m not leaving you.”

“What? Why?” He asked as soon as you two walked back into the house.

“Because, I’m sick and tired of leaving you! I always say that I’m going to protect you and tend to you, but I can’t do that if I’m miles and miles away. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you! So, that’s why you can’t go around saying careless things about yourself, because _I love you!_ ”

You must’ve really snapped at him, because he only looked mildly shocked. Turning around, you walked back upstairs and put Judith to bed, where she quickly fell fast asleep. You watched her innocent shut her eyes and cuddle with her blanket as you let out a gasp of pent-up breath. You walked out and shut the door, then got the laundry from downstairs and began to make your bed very slowly. Carl shut the door behind himself, locking it. You didn’t turn around, you already knew who it was.

“What do you want?” You grumbled, holding a pillow under your chin as you pulled the case over it. His arms wrapped around your waist and you could feel his hot breath on your neck. “Seriously, what?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Really, Y/N. I’m sorry for acting like an idiot.”

You put down the pillow and let out an audible and dramatic sigh, just to let him know that you were caving in. You turned around in his arms, pushing your index finger on his nose to force him to back up and give you a bit of space.

“You’re not an _idiot_ ,” You crossed your arms, “you’re just insensitive. Don’t you understand how hurtful those things you say are? Even if you are talking about yourself, putting yourself down like that affects me too.”

“I just… don’t have a lot of self-confidence. You know, I lost my eye. My face is messed up forever.”

“Your face is not messed up,” You smiled and shook your head, taking his cheeks in your hands as you examined his one remaining eye. “no matter what happens, you’ll always be perfect to me.” Then, you took your left hand and slid it up his face, pushing up the bandage and setting it down neatly on the nightstand. You could see the gory damage where his right eye once was, but it didn’t phase you whatsoever. Instead, you could stare at his expression for eternity. You leaned in, your eyelashes fluttering, and pressed a kiss to his lips. He took initiative and took your shoulders, pushing you down onto the bed, separating the kiss.

“You know, we’re alone.” He whispered, and you burst into a laugh. “What?” He asked, tilting his head.

“Oh, no. Not yet.” You trailed your fingertip across his arm. “Judith’s home. Besides, I said I wanted it at night, remember?”

“Then, let’s give Judith to Gabriel and do it tonight.” Carl persisted, and you shrugged.

“I don’t know, Carl, what if your dad and Michonne come home? I don’t want any interruptions.”

“But-- will there ever be a perfect time to do it? We’re never gonna be able to get alone!” He whined, and you giggled, kissing his cheek.

“I’m sure we will.” You said and sat up. His expression said everything; his spirit was dampened. You couldn’t tolerate the gloomy air that was between you two, so you rolled your eyes and pushed yourself off the bed to stand. “You win. Don’t look.” You told him, and he swiftly shut his eye, now looking calm and peaceful. You leaned down, pressing a romantic kiss to his warm lips. He accepted it, parting his lips and allowing you to deepen the kiss. You did so, but not without pulling up his shirt vigorously. He jerked away in surprise, staring at you.

“Woah.” He simply breathed and you grinned mischievously.

“Did I catch you off guard?”

“Yeah, kind of. What are you doing?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with.” You replied, kneeling down in front of him. He blinked, pushing your hair out of your face.

“Wait, r-really, what are you?—“

You started out by holding his shirt under his chin, kissing his abs and trailing lower and lower beneath his stomach. He leaned back, resting his palm on your head. He must’ve known where this was going. When you got to the band of his jeans, you assisted him by unbuttoning then unzipping them. You timidly pulled them down to the floor, seeing a small tent in his boxers.

“Mm, excited?” You asked, to which he nodded slowly, his face red with embarrassment. Your fingers trembled as you gripped the elastic of his underwear, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. He noticed your hesitation and leaned down.

“You don’t have to—“

“I want to! I… _really_ want to…”

“Do you need me to help?” He suggested and you immediately nodded. He forced you to sit back a little bit before he stood to his feet, swaying side to side, then tugging his boxer briefs down. You stared, and both of your eyes widened before you scooted back to examine the whole picture. Carl’s face went beet red with realization of what he had just did. “Oh, is it… bad?”

“No! Not bad, never bad!” You stammered, shaking your head. “I just… have never… done this before.”

“Well, neither have I!” Carl raised his voice, shrugging his shoulders. You could tell he was getting uncomfortable just having you stare at his junk.

“I’ve never even read or watched anything, I’m going on a limb here.” You said as you pushed him to sit on the bed. You drew closer, watching his he twitched under your gaze. Biting your lip, you had no idea how to start. You looked back up at him, who was already attempting to hold back noises from his throat, and then back down at his manhood, that begged for your delicate touch. When you rested your fingers on it, he jumped and shivered.

“C-Cold hands.” He breathed, and you released him very quickly.

“I’m sorry! I-I uh… don’t know how…”

“Keep going.” Carl nodded, and you reluctantly reached back out, feeling the warmth of his tip on your index finger. You pushed your finger toward him, watching how he squirmed under you. This exhilarating feeling of power washed over you and you curled your fist around his member, taking control as you began to pump your hand. Suddenly, he began to whine and cry out to you, but it wasn’t pain-- it was pleasure. And you loved it.

His groaning suddenly spiked, and he was being as loudly as he possibly could, having no consideration for the sleeping baby in the next room over. You leaned forward, pressing your hot lips against him and watching how he paused suddenly to gain his surroundings and watch as you pulled your mouth over his girth, flicking your tongue up and down as you began to bob your head. His hands ran through your hair, tugging on it and pushing you slightly deeper.

Trying to keep your breath steady, you could hear as his whimpers were cut off by him panting and hotly gasping for air. “I-I’m gonna--”

“Do it, Carl.” You said, pulling away from him, but keeping your hand working on his member. He threw his head back, and you felt something hot burst on your face. His seed shot on your lips, and a bit on your nose and cheek. You immediately stopped to take in exactly what just happened, and began to wipe it off your face with a tissue.

“That was… amazing.” Carl sighed, and you gently licked the small stream of cum that trickled down his erection. You sat up beside him on the bed, but your hands were trembling and your inner thighs kept twitching. You couldn’t describe how badly you wanted him. “I want to do something for you.” Carl nodded, leaning forward into you. He placed his hands atop yours, pinning them to the blanket.

“W-What? No… it’ll get out of hand.” You shook your head. In reality, you haven’t shaven lately and you were embarrassed about the idea of Carl giving you head.

“Then, can I at least… you know…” He looked down, motioning towards your breasts. You blinked, nodded, and began to unbutton your blouse. You noticed that some of his cum got on your blouse, so you tossed it to the side and unbuckled your bra, throwing it on the bed. Carl pushed you to lean back, his lips now tenderly guiding themselves to the bud of your nipple, enclosing around it and sucking lightly, his hand fondling the other one.

Suddenly, amidst your gentle moans, you heard crying. It wasn’t yours or Carl’s, but Judith’s. You let out a deep exhale of frustration and pushed Carl off of your boobs. You took a simple tee, slipping it on, and he frowned.

“Can’t you just let her cry?” Carl tilted his head. “You were really enjoying it--”

“I can’t, she might be hungry. It’s okay, anyways.” You waved your hand, looking down at his naked body once more as a last starved glance. “Get dressed and come downstairs, okay?”

You then quickly walked out of the room, approaching Judith’s door and opening it. She wailed in her crib, and you picked her up, smoothing out her hair. You knew it was just going to be a long day, and almost instantly, you missed Carl’s embrace.


	19. Chapter 18

Rick and the others had come back a lot earlier than you had expected. You hoped they would at least spend the day there but they came back with everyone in less than half the day. You ran up to them, Judith bobbing in your arms, antsy to find out what happened, but they all seemed distraught and distant. Carl ran up behind you, smiling at his dad.

“So, where is he? What happened?” You asked, shaking your head as if it was plainly obvious to see. Rick wiped his mouth, exhaling deeply.

“Get Olivia to inventory what we have in the pantry, we’ll meet her there.” He said to someone behind you, and as you turned, you saw Sasha standing around impatiently. She nodded slowly, but understood immediately what he meant.

“You have food.” Sasha breathed.

“Almost another month’s worth.” Michonne nodded, walking past Carl as she approached the house. You frowned at Rick.

“ _Well?_ ” You leaned in to him. He shook his head slightly, and you could tell he was a bit jarred.

“Gather everyone in the church in an hour,” he said to you, finally meeting your cold gaze.

“Huh? Why?”

“We’ll talk about it.”

And just like that, he started the engine again, and it roared to life and he rolled away on the road. You looked to Carl, who shrugged with just as much confusion as you. You heard thunder rumble in the very distance, and it reminded you that it hadn’t rained in quite some time. You saw Carol a yard or two away, noticing how she simply stared off in space. Something was clearly wrong.

You took a calm walk around Alexandria with Judith safely placed in your arms. Carl moved the opposite direction, and you two were out telling everyone else about the meeting in the church. By the time you met with Carl at the church, you both had circled around the safe zone and made your paths back together. You walked into the church and he took a turn holding his little sister, sitting in a pew that was up in the front.

You didn’t see Rick anywhere for a good long while, but you figured he was cleaning himself up before showing up in front of everyone. You took the time to watch how Carl bounced Judith on his knee, and you could imagine how amazing he would be as a dad. You daydreamed of him as an older man, whirling your daughter around in the air. When you snapped out of it, Rick had moved to the front of the church, shifting from foot to foot, visibly uncomfortable.

He spoke about having a deal with the Hilltop community, thanks to Maggie’s attempts. They would trade and receive food and you could feel that although it was good news, the lingering tensity in the air still hung low. You wanted to interrupt and ask him what was going on but you knew everybody else in the room felt the same exact way. Then, Rick began talking about an unmentioned third group-- the Saviors.

“These Saviors almost killed Sasha, Daryl, and Abraham on the road. Now, sooner or later, they would’ve found us, just like those Wolves did, just like Jesus did. They would’ve killed someone-- or some of us.”

You immediately knew the type of people he was talking about. You flashed back to when you were first driving, and you and Carl got chased down by a group of scuzzy men. You remembered them mentioning Hilltop. To avoid interrupting Rick’s speech, you decided you’d tell him afterwards. Carl exchanged an expression with you that told you that he was thinking the exact same thing.

“--This needs to be a group decision. If anyone objects, here’s your chance to say your piece.” Rick continued, and you realized you had missed it for the most part. You couldn’t say anything now, and everyone looked around the room curiously. Suddenly, you heard someone stand up and all of you turned to face Morgan that was sitting somewhat farther in the back.

“You’re sure we can do it?” Morgan asked, frowning with concern. “We can beat ‘em?”

Rick paused, staring at his old friend. He took a moment to think, then react. “What this group has done, what we’ve learned, what we’ve become, all of us-- yes, I’m sure.”

“Then all we have to do it just tell them that.” Morgan replied, nodding without hesitation.

“They don’t compromise.” Rick said, but he was quickly cut off by Morgan again.

“This isn’t a compromise. It’s a choice you give them-- a way out for them and for us.”

“We try and talk to the Saviors, we give up our advantage, our safety. No. We have to come for them before they come for us. We can’t leave them alive.”

“When there’s life, there’s possibility--”

“Of them _hitting us!_ ” Rick got heated, his ears burning as he raised his voice.

“We’re not trapped in this! None of you are trapped in this.”  
“Morgan… they always come back.”

“They come back when they’re dead, too.”

“We’ll stop them, we have before.” Rick crossed his arms. You were ready to throw yourself into the midst of it and break up the argument, but you simply let it play out.

“I’m not talking about the walkers.” Morgan finally muttered under his breath.

“Morgan,” Rick turned to the crowd, looking around it, his eyes landing on you, Carl, and Judith, “wants to talk to them first. I think that would be a mistake, but it’s not up to me. I’ll talk to the people still at home. Discuss it with the people on guard now, too, but who else wants to approach the Saviors, talk to them first?”

“What happened here, we won’t let that happen again.” Aaron spoke up, standing to his feet now. The rest of the crowd was silent, you could probably hear a pin drop. Rick continued after Aaron sat down and Morgan nodded in defeat very slowly.

“I think it’s settled.” Rick announced, his hands placed firmly on his hips. “We don’t shy from it, we live. We kill them all.”

The multiples of uncomfortable faces and expressions washed over everyone, and even yours. You hated the idea of causing a mass genocide, but if it was to protect Carl, you’d do anything.

“We don’t all have to kill. But if people are gonna stay here… they do have to accept it.” Rick began to walk down the aisle between the pews, pushing on the door and leaving. You watched him exit the church, and then people began to stand up and mill around, speaking in low voices. You turned to Carl.

“What are we going to do?” You asked him, your eyebrows furrowed worriedly.

“First, we need to tell dad what we heard when we were captured by those guys.”

“Right.” You nodded in agreement, following in hot pursuit after Rick. He was walking swiftly away from the church but you managed to snag his attention by calling out his name. He turned, facing you all. You explained the situation, and how you heard those men speak about a ‘Hilltop.’ You didn’t hear someone approach you from behind.

“Sounds like the Saviors.” Jesus said, his voice rich and quite literally right behind you. You jerked, looking at him. “They’re the only group that randomly attacks and assaults people like that.”

“They never found Alexandria.” You pointed out, and he nodded slowly, blinking in realization.

“I remember now-- was this about a year or so ago?”

“Yeah.”

“The Saviors visited Hilltop and asked about four of their missing men from one of their outposts. We had no clue what they were talking about, and they mentioned that their men said they had captured two people before they stopped responding on their walkie-talkies.”

“That was us.” You sweated, motioning toward Carl. “W-What happened after that?”

“They insisted on us being the perpetrators, but after nobody stepped up, four of our people were killed.”

“Oh my God,” You breathed, cupping your hand over your mouth. “I’m… sorry…”

“You two were almost kidnapped?” Rick asked you, and you nodded slowly. “Why were you so careless?” He turned to Carl, who seemed to shrink back from his dad.

“No, Rick, it was my fault.” You took his wrist, turning him away from Carl. “I screwed up the car so we had to go looking for another.”

“Yeah, but then you saved our ass like usual.” Carl rolled his eyes. “She took down two older men nearly by herself. Then, she shot at the other two’s car and made them veer off the road.”

You blushed, smiling warmly at Carl.

“You did?” Jesus asked, his eyes blowing up wide. “You must be one hell of a fighter.”

“Jesus, come with me. We need to talk.” Rick nodded to the long-haired man, who followed after him. Rick watched the two of you before leaving you with Judith bouncing happily in Carl’s arms. You took her safely back home, ensuring she ate lunch. You were quiet the entire time, and then you watched Judith play with her blocks before Carol took over for the day, and you went upstairs in a daze. You felt something wrap around your wrist and you turned, looking at Carl’s concerned blue gaze.

“What’s going on with you?”

“Huh?” You asked, blinking.

“You’ve been out of it the entire day after dad talked about the Saviors.”

“It’s… nothing.”

“That’s a lie.”

You sighed, pulling him into your room and shutting the door. He rose a curious eyebrow, crossing his arms. He knew something was wrong, yet you didn’t want to admit anything actually was. You whirled on your heel, your back facing him, pacing away. Suddenly, he pulled you to sit down, dragging you into his chest and hugging you. Nuzzling him, you exhaled dramatically.

“I’m just worried.”

“We all are, Y/N.” Carl cooed, running his long fingers gingerly through your hair.

“Let’s run away.” You proposed, glancing up at him. His eye widened and he blinked, staring down at you.

“What?” He asked.

“I want to elope with you! Get away from everything that’s been going on and finally do our own thing!”

“Y/N… why? We can’t just leave everyone behind. Especially not now.”

“But we can’t stay, especially not now!” You rephrased his sentence, using it against him. “There’s murderers that want to kill us, we can’t stay here or we will die. You will die.”

“How can you say that?” Carl leaned back, looking repulsed. “So, you’re going to leave behind everyone you care about, just so we don’t die?”

“I don’t care about these people!” You laughed bitterly. “Carl, have you _not_ realized that by now? If anyone dies besides you, that’s fine by me. If you die, then I will never be able to live with myself. I only care about you!”

“What about Judith? My dad? Maggie? Glenn?”

You paused at Judith’s name, but shook your head. “Carl, I love you. If this Negan guy that Jesus mentioned is as dangerous as he sounds, I can’t stay here, and neither are you.”

“So, you’re running away like Enid did.”

“Enid ran away because she was alone, do not compare me to her.”

“It’s even worse running away because you’re scared of someone!” Carl stood up, yelling now. “You just want to leave our friends and family behind--”

“I don’t care! I don’t CARE!” You screamed as a reply, your fingers curling in and forming fists. “When I lost my mom, she was all I had! I was alone for so long, Carl, you can’t leave me too!” Finally, you collapsed on your bed, sobbing, and you saw him hesitate very slightly. Although he was angry at you, he couldn’t begin to understand how alone you were. He had always been with people he trusts, people he knows, and you couldn’t say the same. You didn’t even talk to him about what happened before you met him again. Hot tears rolled down your cheeks as you glanced at him over your shoulder. “Just… get out of my room.”

He sighed “No,” sitting back down and helped you up, cradling you in his arms. He rocked you back and forth, shushing you, and whispering soft and loving words to you.

“Carl… please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t, I promise.” He kissed the top of your hair. “I will always love you, for eternity, Y/N.”

“Will you really?” You shuddered, wiping your tears off on his shirt and resting your ear against his beating chest. You could hear how his heart thumped, and you reminded yourself he was still breathing and still here.

“Really.” Carl whispered, laying you down beside him. You could feel how warm his embrace was and you never wanted to escape it. “I’ll always protect you, Y/N.”

“I think it should be the other way ‘round.” You smiled, and he laughed heartily, his chest rumbling against your eardrum. You took his face in your hands, leaning up, and pressed a kiss to his lips, cutting off his laugh. He melted into it with ease, wrapping his arms around your waist now and pulling you up. The kiss lasted for only a couple of moments, but you had a sudden rush of realization wash over you when you felt Carl’s lips trickle down your neck.

_You loved him._

_And you were going to do anything for him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh-oh spaghettios.............. negan time >:^)


	20. Chatper 19

You were never allowed out of the community. With the newfound threat of Negan and his Saviors, you and Carl stayed behind in the community the entire time. The first week was difficult, with Rick taking some people to go to one of the Savior outposts. They came back weaker, but you were glad to see the familiar faces of your community returning home after the outpost was taken down. Rick explained the whole story with the help of Carol’s commentary.

“Hey, Denise?” You called from the street, walking up to her quickly. She looked at you, blinking. “You’re going to the local pharmacy, right?”

“Yes.” She said. “Do you need anything? It might take awhile.”

“Ah, uh…” You nervously sweated, glancing around. “Maybe condoms if they have them? Birth control? Anything you can find, that’d be amazing.”

“Are you and Carl getting more serious?” She bluntly asked. You shook your head very quickly and nervously.

“N-No! I mean… yes… but only kind of!”

“What do you mean, ‘kind of’?” She rose an eyebrow. “Either you’re having sex or not.”

“Okay, no, we’re not. I just want to be safe, though.” You scratched your head. “You know, in case… of anything.”

“You do know that the pantry has a hygiene section, right? You could probably get something there.” She crossed her arms as she walked on the sidewalk. You shrugged, sticking your hands in your pockets.

“Yes, but have you met Olivia? She gossips with all of the other women her age! I can’t have that happen, Rick will find out I’m banging his son and it’ll be a disaster. I’m not asking Maggie, either. I don’t want to know what goes on in her bedroom.”

Denise laughed. “So, you want me to go get it for you and keep it quiet?”

“Yes please.” You nodded, smiling at her. Besides, she was one of your favorite people here. She saved Carl’s life.

“Alright, I’ll do it. Are you gonna pay me?” She joked, and you laughed along with her. You still felt as if there was something unsaid to her, so you halted and tugged on her sleeve. She looked at you, stopping. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to uh, thank you.”

“Look, it’s no problem--”

“No, not just about the birth control.” You sighed, looking away from her. You felt almost sad for some reason. “For saving Carl’s life. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t be here.”

“You?”

“If I lost Carl, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do. I’d end up… just… killing myself, probably.”

“Y/N, are you okay?” She frowned.

“When I lost my mom, I thought I had no reason to live. I thought, ‘that’s gonna be the last time I’ll ever see her.’ That night, I fell asleep and saw her in my dream. She was smiling and laughing as we ate breakfast together on a warm Sunday afternoon. Then, she hugged me, and I could feel her heartbeat and her breath. So distraught with grief, I kept living just to dream those dreams. After some time, the dreams stopped coming. It was after I went through some issues, and I just couldn’t see her face any longer. I was so scared, just about to give up, and then I met Carl.”

Denise watched as you shuddered, rolling your shoulders as you held your arms close to your body. “Ever since I met him, I haven’t dreamt once of my mom. Now, I dream of him. My mom was keeping me alive just long enough to meet Carl, and now he’s the only reason I’m still standing today. So,” You sighed, “thank you, Denise. You’re a wonderful person.”

“Don’t get sappy on me.” She said, but you could see her begin to tear up as she pressed you into a hug. You separated from her after some time, waving and walking away. You finally felt better, but you couldn’t remove the sickening pit that rested in the bottom of your stomach.

You spent the majority of the day working, and then at the end of it, you took a break as a guard at the front gate. It was a lot colder this time of year at the end of fall, so you wore a thick winter coat and long jeans, feeling cozy and comfortable. Up ahead, though, you saw figures struggling to keep up, holding up a body. You frowned, leaning closer, noticing it was Daryl and the others carrying Eugene. You ran down from your post, unlocking the gate and rushing yourself to open it. It slid open, but your finger got caught between something and it smashed it, causing you to flinch in unbearable pain. You drew away, allowing them to jog in, and you shut the gate just as fast.

“What happened?” You shouted to them, helping them carry Eugene to the doctor’s.

“Saviors.” Daryl grunted to you, and you shook your head.

“Where’s Denise?” You asked expectantly. You opened the door to the makeshift doctor’s office, helping Eugene up onto a bed. Rosita looked away and Daryl turned to you slowly.

“The Saviors killed her.”

And that was the last you ever saw of Denise.

“You’re… fucking joking.” You whispered, feeling anger bubble up in your stomach. You had to do something about this, before it got out of hand. You had to face Negan.

“Come on, we have to help Eugene.” Rosita spoke up, and you nodded in agreement. Everyone took the time and energy to help his wound, and finally his breathing steadied and he looked peaceful as he slept. You wiped the sweat from your forehead after, sinking down in a chair. Rick burst in through the door, looking incredibly angry.

“What happened?” He asked, repeating your earlier question, although his voice was a lot raspier and tired. You could tell he was desperate to end this dispute, but none of you had the brightest idea that it was just beginning.

You stormed out of the clinic, racing down back to your house. You broke into a sprint, pushing yourself to continue running until you walked into the house, slamming the door. You watched Carl in the living room, who jostled up, looking over at you. He stood up quickly, placing his hand over his heart.

“Holy shit, you scared me--”

“Denise is _dead_ because of those assholes.” You said, striding up to him.

“What? Denise died?”

“Yeah, and they shot Eugene.”

“Oh my God.”

“I’m sick and I’m tired of these games those Saviors are trying to play.” You said, visibly shaking. “We have to do something.”

“What are you talking about, Y/N? You can’t seriously be thinking you can take down these guys.”

“Carl, we can! We need to go to Hilltop and talk to them about Negan, see if they know anything.”

“What if they don’t?”

“Then we stay there and wait. The Saviors will come for their trade soon, and we’ll follow their vehicles back to where they’re stationed at. I assume they’ll take it to the main quarters, and we’ll find Negan and kill him.”

“Y/N… it can’t be that easy, you know that. How are we supposed to follow them undetected? How are we supposed to get into their base, find their leader, and kill him? This is a stupid plan.”

“Then stay home, I’d rather you do that anyways.” You waved your hand.

“Woah, hold up, you’re not going _alone_ , are you?” He tugged on your wrist, holding you back. You sighed.

“Carl, you know how I feel--”

“I can’t let you go. You could die.”

“I’m not going to die.” You rolled your eyes. “I didn’t die the four years I hadn’t seen you, I won’t die now.”

He hesitated and you took his palm, kissing the tops of his knuckles. You looked up at him, your eyes meeting his own and then you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him into a kiss. When the two of you parted, you took a moment to breathe before you spoke.

“I want you to be the only one who knows what I’m doing. I trust you, Carl.”

“I really don’t want you to go. When will I see you again?”

“Very soon, okay? If anything happens to me, I’ll be sure to get someone from Hilltop to get you.”

“Nooo, don’t tell me that.” He whined, nuzzling your neck and burying his face in your hair. You laughed, petting his head softly, closing your eyes.

“Nobody else can die.” You whispered. “I can’t allow it. Denise was a good person, and they just… killed her like she was nothing.”

“I know. You can get ‘em, baby.” He said, his voice deep. You jerked in surprise, never having heard him call you a pet name before. Honestly, it was kinda hot. You blinked up at him and his shining smile faded when he saw your expression. “D-Did I say something?”

“Yeah, you called me baby.”

“Was that… bad?”

“No.”

“Then why are you looking at me like that?”

“It seems… I’m really horny.”

“ _Huh._ ” Carl said, his eye blowing up wide. You burst out in laughter, kissing him again. “Wait, are you serious?” He said as you walked up the stairs, leading him up to your bedroom. He shut the door behind himself and watched as you took off your coat, then your shirt and pants. “You’re serious.” He nodded, interested.

“Come here.” You motioned your finger, and he walked up to you, grasping your waist, smiling down at you. “I had asked Denise for condoms or birth control, but I’m not really sure we need any.”

“What? You don’t think so? Are you… we… going to go all the way?”

“Mm.” You slowly dipped your head, kissing his neck as a response. Carl’s expression turned redder and you bit him gently, hearing a gasp escape his lips. You lifted his shirt and he took it off himself, tossing it on your floor then roughly pushing you onto the bed. You giggled as he crawled over you, pinning you to the blankets and ravenously kissing your stomach, leading up.

_SLAM!_

You both jumped off the bed, scrambling for your clothes. You heard footsteps shuffle around downstairs before you realized it was Rick, his own father. He began to trail up the stairs.

“Shit, shit, where’s my shirt?” You looked around for it, but it must’ve gotten kicked under the bed. You took your jacket, pulling it over yourself and zipping it up before he knocked on your door.

“Y/N? Carl? You in there?” He asked, and you shoved Carl into your closet before you opened the door, smiling weakly.

“Hi, Rick. What’s going on?”

“Just wanted to make sure you were in there. Where’s Carl?”

“He walked out a little while ago, probably went to go talk to… Glenn.”

“Glenn?”

“Yeah, they uh… you know… boy stuff.” You lied, being a terrible liar. You had almost gotten caught doing the nasty with his son, how else are you supposed to react? He nodded slowly, waving to you, and walking into his own room. You ran out, taking his wrist quickly and stopping him.

“Can I go to Hilltop?” You asked desperately, your voice aching to the point you almost began to beg. He frowned, which wasn’t a good response right off the bat.

“What for?”

“Well, I figured someone in Alexandria needs to be there, to communicate easily between the two communities.”

“We can have someone else do it. It’s better if you stay here with Carl.”

“What I mean is-- I need to talk to Jesus about something. While I’m there, I might help out with Hilltop and try to get allies. If we’re fighting a war with the Saviors, our allies need all of the convincing. I know you already are trading with them, but if they know someone from Alexandria, they’ll be more willing.”

He paused, thinking to himself. He nodded to you, understanding and buying your lie.

“Alright. Do you think we should send someone else over, or--”

“No, one is enough.”

“Okay, go ahead. You can go in the morning.”

“Actually, I was thinking about tonight.” You murmured, and he tilted his head. “Driving a car might be dangerous to do, the Saviors could easily spot me. If I’m traveling alone through the woods, I have a higher chance of going unnoticed if there are any. If I do it in daylight, they’ll see me.”

This time, Rick seemed reluctant, but he agreed to it. You thanked him, returning to your room and he retired to his own. When the sight was clear, you opened the closet for Carl, who had put on a shirt in the meantime.

“You’re really going.”

“I’ll be okay, I promise.” You gently kissed him again, basking in this longing and loving embrace. You were immediately sad when the warmth of his lips left your own, but you had to realize you were doing all of this for him.

He helped you pack a bag to go, something quick and light with a couple waters, some snacks, and an extra jacket. You strapped it on, standing in front of the front door, stalling your departure. You kissed Carl again, knowing you’d never be able to get enough of his taste.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you soon.” You shrugged. He nodded and you turned, hovering your hand above the door knob right as you felt him grab your wrist. He pulled you close suddenly, but he only reached around your neck, holding something and then releasing you. You frowned, looking down, seeing a gold glint of a heart locket necklace. Blinking, you took it, popping it open. There was a small photo of you and Carl, one that you had taken a couple months ago.

“How’d you get it so small?”

“Magic,” he replied with a smile, and you flushed.

“Thank you…”

“I love you, Y/N.” He blurted, and you laughed.

“I love you more, Carl.”

And you turned around, opening the door to the chilling autumn air, and walking out.


	21. Chapter 20

You had to sneak over the wall because leaving out the front gates would result in you being devoured by hungry walkers. You knew they were out there even if you didn’t leave through the front, but what you also considered was how they just congregated in gross clusters as if they knew what they were clawing at was a gate to a buffet of live people.

Anyways, you snuck over the wall, climbing on the limb of a nearby tree that hung over. You were insanely off balance, but you managed to gain your surroundings easily once you took the time to ease yourself into it. It’s been at least a couple of years since you’ve been in a tree but you had your lucky steel-toed boots to help you out. You jumped branch to branch, grasping onto them with your life, and following the way to Hilltop. You had a marked map and as long as you continued in this direction, you’d find the community.

It took a solid hour and a half to finally get there. You could see the tall buildings from outside the fences, and you took a white scarf, waving it as you approached the gate in the darkness. A blinding spotlight landed on you and you winced, hearing voices yell. The gate rolled open very slowly. Jesus was the first to greet you.

“Y/N, what are you doing here?”

“I need to stay here for awhile.”

“Is Alexandria okay?” He asked worriedly, to which you nodded.

“Yes, but the Saviors have been threatening our people. One of them killed our doctor today.”

Jesus simply sighed in frustration, looking at you. He opened his arms to you, walking you in as the gates cautiously closed behind you.

“Well, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need. Why did you leave? Were you scared?”

“No, I just needed to talk to you about the Saviors.”

“We told you pretty much all that we know.” Jesus frowned, walking you through the cold night. “There’s not much left.”

“Do you know where they are?”

“Well, I think there are about three outposts that we know of. Your people took down one. Then, there’s the main place. They’ve mentioned it before, what, the Sanctuary? But I’ve never been there.”

“Has anyone else?” You asked curiously as he walked into the manor, where warmth flooded into your clothes and skin, causing you to feel a lot cozier.

“Not that I know of.” He shook his head. “Why are you so curious?”

“I just… don’t know what drives them.”

“Terror. Fear.” He guessed, listing off multiple ideas to your lie. “Hunger. Whatever it is, nobody really knows. The leader’s name is Negan, but I’ve never personally met him.”

“Negan, huh?”

“Yeah, when you ask about Negan, they all start saying they _are_ Negan.”

“That’s weird.” You thought to yourself mostly, but inwardly you screamed in agony. If they all insisted on being Negan, then how would you know which one really is Negan? Negan was a man’s name, so he had to be a man, and he had to be big and scary if he truly was running all these trades and three outposts that's out of his reach. You guessed to yourself that maybe you’d have to just kill anyone in your path until you found the sick son of a bitch.

“You can sleep here tonight.” Jesus opened a door, exposing a bedroom. You smiled warmly toward him, thanking him and walking in as you shut the door. You had to plan this all out delicately as if it were fragile glass.

Pulling out your journal from your backpack, you sat down slowly on your bed before you began to write with a half-empty ink pen. The ballpoint was just about to give up on you, but you scribbled on the side of the page to get the ink flowing. Then, you wrote.

_Fall, Year 5_

_I’m at the Hilltop community, my plans for murdering Negan are slowly a work in progress. When I do it, though, I’ll be certain to go immediately back home to protect Carl. I’m praying that nothing happens to Alexandria while I’m gone._

_I was going to make love with Carl, but plans were ruined when his dad walked in. I feel bad for whoever is reading this mess of a journal, I’m honestly trying here._

_Anyways, Negan is going down. Good talk. I’m going to sleep. Hopefully, Jesus will wake me in the morning, or I’ll oversleep._

You folded the book back, placing it on the nightstand and curling up in your bed. Although you were in a gated community, you couldn’t help but feel uneasy. You were sleeping miles and miles away from Carl, and when you glanced at the curtained window, all you could think about was sitting and stargazing with him-- until you fell asleep.

You stayed there for two days. You had made acquaintances with Dr. Harlan Carson, who seemed very kind and generous. While you made friends with some of the people in Hilltop, you’d lay awake at night thinking about Carl, who must feel so alone right now.

Your plan lurched forcefully into motion one morning. Jesus gently shook you awake and you groaned, squinting your eyes at him and sitting up.

“I’m gonna be gone for a couple of hours, going to meet up and trade with the Saviors.”

“Really, that’s today?” You asked sleepily, patting your hair flat down on your head. “I need to leave for Alexandria today anyway, so I might not be here when you get back.”

Of course, you were lying. You had this entire conversation planned out.

“Alright, do you want to take a car? I can get one for you before you leave.”

“That’d be wonderful.” You nodded with a warm smile. He returned the gesture, standing up and walking out of your room. You had to begin to prepare yourself. You dressed in all black men’s clothing, having stolen it over the course of the two days you had been here. You also managed to snatch a bulletproof vest, so you slipped that on underneath your big bulky hoodie. You wanted to mislead the Saviors into thinking you were a man, so if you escaped they couldn’t pinpoint you or Alexandria for the gruesome demise of Negan. When it was time, Jesus met with you at the entrance of the community, alongside Harlan.

“You have everything you need?” Jesus asked, and you firmly nodded, feeling not a sliver of exhaustion left in your body. “Alright, I’m gonna head out. It was nice having you here, Y/N.”

“Yes…” You agreed, and he got in a truck and left with a couple of others. You were ready to leave when Harlan approached you.

“I hope you have luck getting back to Alexandria.” He said, his voice low and hardly audible.

“No worries, I’ll get home quickly. Thank you for your hospitality, it’s been really nice visiting.”

“Yes, and I’m sorry to hear about your doctor.” He leaned against your car, stalling your time to follow Jesus to the meeting place. You grew antsy.

“That reminds me,” You began very quickly, rushing your words, “do you think you could visit Alexandria tomorrow? We have a wounded person, so it would be really great.”

“Definitely. I’ll have a check-up on Maggie, too.”

“Maggie?” You asked with a small frown. He blinked in sudden realization, flushing and looking away in embarrassment he had ever brought it up. “What does that mean, Doctor?”

He caved in, sighing and slumping his shoulders. “Maggie’s pregnant. We only recently found out.”

“Oh, wow.” You gasped, looking down at your feet. “I, uh, had no clue.”

“Yeah, but try not to spread it around. If she didn’t tell you or anyone else, I’d let her warm up to it first before she starts talking about it.”

“Right. Anyways, thank you again. I’ll see you around, alright?” You grinned, getting behind the wheel and adjusting your seat and mirrors. He waved to you, allowing you to drive out of the gate and go on your merry way.

You’d probably have no idea where to go if it weren’t for the mud tracks on the road that was from Jesus’s truck. Luckily it had been raining for a while, so you didn’t have to worry about being unable to hunt down the meeting place. You drove slow so that you didn’t have to slam on your breaks in case you saw anyone or anything. Luckily, the entire time you were able to follow the tracks until they turned into dirt and then faded. But, by that point, you could spot their vehicle up ahead. It took about thirty minutes for the truck to get to the meeting place, so you took the time to offroad and park it off to the side where it would go unnoticed. You got out, sneaking over to the empty clearing. You heard voices.

“--It?” You listened to it, hearing an unfamiliar voice.

“Yeah.” Jesus piped up, putting the items in the back of the truck. There were only three Hilltop people and four Saviors standing around, lingering dangerously. You knew that the Saviors were suspicious of Hilltop for the mass genocide at their satellite outpost. Nevertheless, the trade was going incredibly slowly.

“Is that it?” Asked the balding man, his voice booming. “Last time, you gave us more crops.”

“Last time we had more crops.” Jesus shifted onto his other foot. “It’s nearing the winter, some of them don’t last very long.”

“We’ll let you slack this time.” The balding and horseshoe mustached man spoke up, getting awfully close to Jesus. “Next time, we won’t allow you to pull shit like this.”

You gripped your fingers tightly in a fist. What you’d do to sock him in the jaw, you imagined. He turned around, beginning to put away the traded items in his own truck. It took about five minutes and everyone was ready, the tensions slowly fading from their peak earlier. You began to turn, retreating back to your own vehicle. You started it up, watching Jesus’s truck pass on the road up above before you pulled out onto the road, taking it slow and steady. You continually saw the bigger truck up ahead on the road, but you’d allow it to sometimes get out of sight before you continued. You really couldn’t have them see you out in broad daylight, or you’d be dead on the spot.

The journey lasted almost two hours. You had to drive slowly and mark things down on your map, and when you finally found the Sanctuary, you felt a rush of satisfaction. You could see the distant factory above the treetops and you parked somewhere out in the woods, where you coated your vehicle with leaves to make it look as if it had been there for a while. You then locked it and placed the key safely in your bra, knowing it was the one pocket that would be the safest. Then, you waited.

You could see from the trees that the Sanctuary was an old factory, overgrown with vines and mildew. It towered above everything else, proving superiority to anything else you had ever seen. Looking at it from across the woods, you couldn’t see the fence or anything that protected it, but you could tell it was immense in size. Fear and anxiety began to build up in your stomach since you had no idea just how many people were inside.

_There’s probably women and children inside. I’ll just have to stay undetected until I find Negan or someone finds me._ You determined, heaving a large sigh. You sat down on a tree branch, waiting for the sun to sink below the horizon. When it did, you held your semiautomatic gun close to your body before you began traveling by tree again. When you got to the nearest road, Searcy Avenue, you could see train tracks trailing from both directions. You discreetly crossed them, back into the shade of the trees.

Climbing up one, you had to be delicate and cautious. These trees weren’t as old and were more young and spindly, which could cause you to drop to your death or at least some broken bones. You made it over the fence by sneaking tree to tree, dropping inside the walls right outside an exterior door. You pulled your hood up and a mask to cover most of your face, then you slowly opened the door. It extended into an empty hallway that was shining with a dim light. You walked in.

Infiltrating into the enemy base was one thing you thought you’d never be doing alone. You received an adrenaline rush as you rounded a corner, walking very quietly in the hall. Everything seemed normal, you didn’t see a single person yet. But, you spoke too soon. Down the next hall, you saw someone with a flashlight wandering around, probably on guard. You waited until they turned down the fork in the hall, and then you took the opposite way they had come. You found stairs.

Ascending the stairs, you reached the second level. How many levels were there? You hoped this wouldn’t last all night. You glanced out of a window where the hallway was illuminated with moonlight and you could spot off in the courtyard, walkers milling around and strapped to the chain-link fence. You felt sick, but you carried on through the hall.

“Hello?” Asked a small voice. You jumped, freezing, and you whirled around. There, a little blonde girl stood, her eyes wide with terror. You blinked, trying to think of something to make sure she wouldn’t scream in alarm. You pulled off your mask, revealing your feminine features.

“Hi there, what are you doing up?” You asked in your soft voice, trying to make her think you were just apart of them. She was around seven, anyway, she wouldn’t know, right?

“I was thirsty…”

“Okay, sweetie, go back to bed. Do you know where you’re at?”

She nodded slowly, her pigtails bouncing. “Yes, I’m on mommy and daddy’s level, the worker’s level. See, I know!”

“Yes, you do. I’m proud.”

“What’s your name?”

“I’m… Y/N.” You gently said, trying to not speak too loud. “Sweetheart, I’m trying to find Negan. Do you remember where he’s at?”

“I think… the top floor. That’s what daddy said.”

“Okay, thank you.” You kneeled down, smiling and patting her on the head. “You shouldn’t be out this late, you could get hurt. Go back to your room, okay?”

“Okay, Y/N.” She smiled, waving before she ran off. You sighed slowly, your breath shaking. That little girl had no idea what she just did. Standing to your feet, you turned and pulled your mask back up, marching to the stairs yet again. You climbed them as you thought about the little girl, wondering if she would be okay. You reached the top floor undetected, but you saw people heavily guarding the halls. When someone turned around, you managed to sneak out of the stairwell unnoticed and round a corner.

You didn’t know what rooms to look in, but you followed a foreign feeling toward the end of the empty hall. Suddenly, someone shone a flashlight on you and you froze like a deer in headlights.

_Shit._

You shot your gun in the direction it was coming from, feeling nothing but fear now. It rang in the hallways and the perpetrator with the flashlight fell back, enveloping you in darkness yet again. You heard shouting and footsteps and you began to run away, turning down another hallway to escape it. Yet, you saw people up ahead, who began to open fire at you. You felt yourself get flung back, having been hit in the chest, but it just winded you thanks to the vest. You fired back blindly into the hallway, hearing screams and more loud noises as you kept running.

You kept running, light on your toes, feeling a sense of dread when you saw a door at the end of a hallway. It might be your only chance. You opened the door, slamming it as you shut it behind yourself. You turned to examine the room, and you saw someone sitting in a chair in very dull lighting. The person stood up slowly, facing you, and they chuckled deeply.

“Well, well.” You heard him speak, and you recognized the voice from somewhere. Suddenly, you were lunged at from behind, both of your arms pinned behind your back and your weapon dropped to the ground. You glanced around, seeing a blonde man and the man with the horseshoe mustache.

“Get off of me!” You demanded, wriggling. The man in front of you, whose face was shadowed, finally came into the light and brought you nothing but a sinking pit of fear in your stomach. He wore a red kerchief around his neck, wielding a bat sharpened by barbed wire.

“Take off the mask and the hood.” He said, his voice dark. The blonde man did it, and your hair fell in your face, coating your sweat and your disappointment in getting caught. “God damn,” Whispered the man as he walked toward you. “it was a girl after all this time.”

“Dwight, Simon, leave us.” He said, his voice sharp. The two men nodded, walking out of the room and shutting the door. You then realized who he really was. The man took your gun off the floor, placing it behind his seat as he sunk down, motioning toward his own. He turned on a nearby lamp. “Well, sit down.”

You frowned. Weren’t you going to be killed? You slowly walked over to the seat, complying and sitting down uncomfortably.

“So, you come into my community, kill a bunch of my men, and you escape death, and it turns out it’s just a girl.”

“Just a girl,” You hummed in amusement, “you make that sound like it’s a bad thing, _Negan._ ”

“Oh, it’s not.” He smiled venomously. “In fact, I’m astounded you have more balls than anyone else I know. So, what community are you from? Hilltop? The Kingdom?”

“The Kingdom?” You asked curiously. “There’s more than one?”

“You didn’t know? Now, I’m even more surprised. Answer the question.”

You didn’t, silently staring at him in the darkness. His face contorted into anger.

“Or maybe you’re from that new community, what was it, Alexandria?”

You tensed, he smiled.

“Must be it.”

“N-No.” You shook your head, and he shrugged.

“Maybe I’ll pay Alexandria a visit, see what kind of badass people they’re storing there. Did they send you?”

“No, they didn’t. I came here on my own.”

“Nobody helped you at all?” He leaned back, sucking his teeth. “I find that hard to believe.”

“It’s true. I planned this out on my own. So, there’s no need for you to go visit Alexandria.”

“Really now.” He stood up, approaching you. He gripped the small gold chain around your neck, tugging the locket out of your hoodie and opening it carefully. You grimaced away from him, even though he smelled like sweet cologne and beer. He examined the photo in the light, smiling as he stood back from you. “Who’s that?”

“Nobody important.” You looked away, shutting the locket and holding it in your palm.

“Must be important if you’re wearing a locket of him. Maybe I will go to Alexandria. Is that where he is?”

“No!” You burst, looking at him fearfully. He knew he had finally gotten under your skin, so he sank back down in his seat. You sighed, giving up. “His name is Carl, he’s my boyfriend.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “He still alive, I assume?”

“Yes.”

“You love him?”

“He’s the only person I care about there-- look, why are you doing this? Aren’t you going to kill me?” You crossed your arms, and he looked like he was thinking about it before he shook his head very slowly.

“No, I have a proposition for you instead. You’re a skilled fighter, we’ve seen that when you killed three of my men tonight. If you work for me, then I can ensure nobody at Alexandria gets hurt.”

“You’re sick.”

“That’s the idea.”

“I can’t do that. I need to get back home.”

“Then I suppose I’ll keep you here until you decide yes or no. By which I mean, yes. If you say no, then I’ll be forced to kill you. Don’t make me do that, I don’t kill kids, especially ones with boyfriends.”

“What about the kid from Hilltop that you killed?”

“Kid from Hilltop? The sixteen-year-old? I didn’t kill him, one of my men did. He paid the consequences that afternoon.”

“Why?” You asked, frowning. “I’m a visible threat and you have me at your fingertips, and you’re not going to kill me?”

“God damn,” Negan laughed, “are you just begging to die or something? Most people would jump at the chance to survive. You’re loyal, I respect that.”

“Then you can understand why I can’t take your offer.”

“See, here’s the thing.” He stood up, pacing around your chair and his own. “I’m not going to just let you off the hook when you killed three of my men. You have to pay back, whether it be working for me or paying with your own life and two others. I think we know which is the obvious choice here.”

“I have to get back home in the morning.”

“Do you really think I’m letting you leave?” He laughed. “I may not like to kill people, but I will if I have to. Looks like you’re going to be here for awhile, so I’ll just leave that decision up to you. In the meantime-- DWIGHT!” He called out, making you jump. The blonde from earlier strode in as Negan swung his bat around carelessly near your head. “Take her to a cell, but make sure she’s comfortable. She’s gonna be here for a while.”

Before Dwight could leave with you, Negan grasped your hand, shaking it firmly with a clean smile wiped on his face. “By the way, I’m Negan. Nice to meet you.”

You didn’t reply.


	22. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Consensual sexual theme at the end!

Time was getting blurry for you, you had no idea how long you had been down there in the cell until you woke up to Negan racking his bat against the door and opening it with a crude smile. Holding out some clothes to you, he dropped them in your hands.

“Get dressed, I’ll walk you around.” He ordered, shutting the door. You stood up, examining the clothes in the given lighting, and putting on the longer dress. It reached to the tops of your knees, so you were glad that Negan wasn’t some sicko. “It was all we had for your size.” He complimented when you walked outside, and he walked you around the hallways. It must’ve been about midday.

You were silent for the most part, and he made multiple attempts to speak to you, but each time was fruitless.

“What’s goin’ on in that mind of yours? You’ve been silent all day. Thinking about my proposal?”

“No.” You replied simply, and his face fell a little.

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about to you today. I need a decision, soon. If you can’t give me one by the end of today, I’m afraid you won’t be going back to Alexandria.”

He saw another woman sauntering about in the hallway aimlessly and he grinned, approaching her. Her brown gaze finally glazed over at him and noticed he was opening his arms wide in greeting.

“Sherry! What are you doing?” He asked, and the woman apparently named Sherry looked at you then him.

“Who is that?” She asked, her voice nearly trembling.

“The mystery girl we took in, remember? She shot up the place last night.”

“And yet you dressed her up. What is she, your new wife? She’s a little girl.”

“Oh, Sher-” He cooed, but she rolled her eyes and pushed past him, briskly walking away. He stood in dejection and you watched his eyes meet yours.

“What does she mean by new wife?” You asked with a sudden frown on your face.

“I have wives here. Of course, you’re not going to become one of them. Of all the things I could be accused of, pedophile isn’t one. Besides, those women are weak-willed and incompetent. They wouldn’t dare killing me even if they wanted to. You, on the other hand--” He turned to face you, standing next to a window that exposed the world in daylight. “--would.”

He treated you to lunch in his room, trying to convince you the benefits of working with him. He explained how much of a waste it would be if you ate this lunch and then died because you didn’t want to, which set you on edge. Then, he returned you to your cell and left you there for the rest of the afternoon to decide on what to do.

* * *

Carl was on watch when a car pulled up to the front gate. Excitedly, he watched as someone slowly got out, but his excitement dissipated when he realized it wasn’t you returning with Negan’s head. He got down from the wall, helping his father Rick open the gate for the middle-aged man to enter. He gave Carl a weary smile, holding a white rag. Maggie ran up to him.

“Doctor Carson.” She acknowledged, turning to Carl and Rick with a supportive nod. “This is the doctor from Hilltop. What are you doing here?”

“I was tipped off by Y/N to come and check up on Eugene.”

“Y/N sent you? So, she’s okay?” Carl asked, smiling at the doctor. Confusal crossed Harlan’s face as he glanced to Carl, looking at Rick with the same expression.

“What do you mean?”

“Is Y/N okay?” Carl repeated himself slowly.

“She’s not here?”

“No… why?” Rick rounded the doctor, examining him from head to toe.

“She left in a car yesterday on her way back here. I assumed she’d be here by now.”

“Yeah…” Rick looked around, shaking his head. “She hasn’t been here for three days now. May be lost on the roads.”

“Or captured by Saviors.” Carl breathed, suddenly completely realizing what had happened. He knew you were in trouble.

“Oh, my God,” Maggie exclaimed, “you don’t think…”

“They couldn’t have killed her!” Carl burst out, “They… couldn’t have!” now feeling tears well up in his eyes. He turned around, racing off. Rick chased after him, opening the front door to their house that he had slammed violently. He was curled up on the couch, murmuring some incoherent words.

“Carl,” Rick sunk down on the couch beside his son, “what’s going on?”

“Y/N… might be hurt.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes.” Carl lied, wiping his face. “I just love her, I can’t lose her—“

“Do you remember when I lost your mom?” Rick sighed. Carl looked away, nodding his head very solemnly as he remembered how he killed his own mother. “When I found out she was gone forever, I went crazy. I was seein’ things, staying up early in the morning, wishin’ I was dead. It took me a while to realize that I had to be there for you and Judith too.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I lost someone that I loved and I moved on. If Y/N doesn’t come back, you know you have to--”

“I don’t have to do anything.” Carl snapped, “We are two very different people.”

“Carl, you lost your mom and you matured from it. She was one of the most important people in your life, but you got through it. I’m saying that if Y/N doesn’t make it back, you’re capable of getting through it. You’ve always bounced right back.”

But Carl knew that this time, for sure, he wouldn’t.

* * *

It was definitely after supper, but you couldn’t really tell for yourself. Sitting in the dark cell, you were given your journal and a pencil to doodle and write with, but you didn’t have much after that point. Later in the afternoon, though, you could hear footsteps echoing down the hall, and you hid the pencil in your sock, thinking you could really use it as a weapon if you tried.

The door swung open, exposing Simon who looked sick of having you here. He told you to get to your feet, so you complied and followed him through the hallway and up the stairs. He walked you into Negan’s room, shutting the door and giving you privacy. You saw Negan, his face lit up ominously by the nearby lamp.

“So, mystery girl, you haven’t told me your name yet.”

“Y/N.” You replied. He nodded.

“Well, Y/N, have you come to a conclusion?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“I’ll work for you.” You looked away. He had given you no choice. “But you have to promise to not hurt my people.”

“Good,” he chuckled, “You as well. If you promise to fight on my side and stay loyal, keep your people in line, and keep this entire thing a secret, I won’t hurt you or your people.”

“Thank you.” You watched your hands, feeling nothing but misery. He stood up, his gloved fingers running over the base of his bat. “Come with me, I’ll walk you outside.”

As he opened the door, he ordered Simon to collect your things and meet him outside in the courtyard. Simon dipped his head, strolling off as Negan walked casually with you at his side. You were silent, knowing you had betrayed everything Rick stood for.

“Who’s the boy?” He suddenly asked, and you felt as if you’d dig yourself a deeper grave if you denied him of any information.

“Carl. We used to be best friends before all this.”

“You two stay together this whole time?”

“No, we met up almost two years ago now. I had been alone up until that point.”

Negan didn’t reply, you knew he was deep in thought anyway. When you walked down to the worker’s level, you could see the busy people milling around doing their everyday things. It may have been the evening, as you could see from the windows, but everyone was still preoccupied. You and Negan stood above them in the rafters, watching them work for a moment or two.

“Hold Lucille for me.” Negan said, smiling warmly to you. You blinked, not sure who that was until he held out his bat to you. Good God, the man even named his weapon? Why did he trust you with this? You took it, feeling the weight of it swing in your fingers. You thought about bashing his head in, but you noticed all of the people working right below your feet and realized why he said it.

Walking out into the bright light, you felt as if you had been trapped down in those cells for years. Emerging, you followed closely behind him. Simon thrusted your bag into your hands and you strapped it on.

“Your old clothes are in the bag, with your journal and…” He paused, taking the time to very steadily grin, leaning down and picking the pencil out of your sock, “your pencil.”

He must’ve known the entire time, but how? The pencil wasn’t exposed or showing through your sock, since your boots came up around your ankles. The only hint that he could’ve gotten was that it was missing from your cell, and even then only Simon would really know that.

“You’re free to leave. Do you need a car?”

“I have one.” You murmured, and he nodded.

“Then I’m sure you’ll get home easily.”

You turned, not looking back at him. You led yourself out the gate that was open, and Negan called out your name yet again. You turned on your heel, looking at him. He held his finger up to his lips and you knew exactly what he was talking about. _Keep quiet about this._ His words echoed in your mind and you quickly hurried off across the road, back into the woods. Your jog turned into a sprint as you got to your car, brushing all the leaves off and unlocking it with the key that had been nestled safely in your bra this entire time. Starting the engine up, it roared into life and you rolled out of the woods back onto the road.

When you got back to Alexandria, it was night. You poked your head out of your car, turning your brights off so that the guard could see you. And, boy, did they see you.

When Carl was on watch, he was tempted to jump at every noise. The bags under his eyes began to form as he watched every single movement outside of the safe zone’s walls. He was waiting for you. He never imagined anything bad would happen to you, but when you hadn’t returned in the morning, he worried a little. When noon passed by, he didn’t eat lunch out of immense concern for you. When the sun sank down, he was starting to give up on the idea of you ever returning. He had begun to prepare for the worst when he heard an engine in the distance. Leaping to his feet, he peered over the wall, watching an unfamiliar car roll up to the gates. Their brights shut off and the dims glowed in the darkness, illuminating their face when they stuck it out of the car window-- it was you.

“Oh-- oh my God!” He shouted, running down the tower, nearly breaking both of his ankles as he leapt down to the ground. He quickly ran to the gate, pulling it open. Once it had been opened, he raced toward you, enveloping you in his arms. You were masked with the smell of his deodorant and you curled your arms around his torso, nuzzling him tightly. He cried loudly, attracting a crowd of people. “Oh, where were you?” He sobbed, but he already knew the answer. He was just happy you were alive and here in his arms.

“It’s okay, Carl, shh.” You whispered, petting his hair. “I’m okay. Nothing happened.”

Rick sauntered up, gripping the two of you in a hug. He let go rather early, motioning toward the gate. “Come on.”

You drove the car inside and they shut the gate before you parked it somewhere nearby, racing back up to them. Rick was the first to start talking.

“Doctor Carson said you left early yesterday, we were terrified. What happened?”

“Ambushed by Saviors on the road. I managed to run away, though.” You lied, already going through the conversation in your mind.

“Did they follow you here?”

“No, they uhhh... “ You paused, not sure how your false story should go. “...found me on the road. Stopped my car, demanded I get out. They knocked me out and then I-- uh-- woke up in a camp nearby and managed to escape away before they noticed. Took me awhile to find my car.”

“Thank God,” He sighed tiredly. “You must be exhausted.”

_No, not really._

“Go get some rest. Judith is staying the night with Carol, so don’t worry about her. I’m going to go on a short trip with some others to patrol the woods, make sure there’s no Saviors.”

“When will you be back?” You tilted your head, to which he shook his own.

“Probably in the morning. Carl, I’m sure you want to stay with her--”

“Yes.” He said, cutting him off. Rick raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement and allowed you and Carl to walk back to the house. You didn’t say a word the entire time, trapped in the circle of his comforting arm. When you got to the house, you decided it was safe to finally say something.

“What the hell actually happened?” Carl asked the minute the door shut. You blinked in surprise at his eagerness.

“Well, I met Negan.” You slumped down on a couch, explaining the entire journey of how you killed three of his men and got captured by him. You trusted Carl with your deal, knowing that it would be better if he found out now rather than later.

“You’re working for him?” He frowned at you, raising his voice.

“Don’t talk to me like that! I only did it to protect you, Carl! He would’ve went in and massacred all of you if I hadn’t agreed.”

“Y/N…”

“I know, I’m stuck in some deep shit right now, but I will never trust Negan! I will always put you first, above him and everyone else.” You stood up, and he grabbed your face violently, pushing you into a kiss. He was only doing it out of spite, but it really was nice. He held you there for a couple moments until your cold fingers laced with his, pulling his hands down to drop by his side. He parted, a light pink color in the face.

“Y/N… will you promise me something?”

“What is it?”

“You’ll be mine forever.”

“Carl, are you proposing to me?”

“Maybe. I don’t have a ring.”

“You don’t need one, you know my answer.” You smiled sweetly, caressing his soft face. He leaned in to your touch, shutting his eyes and swaying slightly side to side. He had leaned in for another kiss, but you gently pushed on his nose and made him pull back. “But first, I’m gonna take a shower.”

So, you headed upstairs and took a long-awaited shower. You even took the time to shave everything and wash every bit and crease on your body. You took your sweet time, knowing you wanted to make sure everything was perfect. When you left the bathroom, you dried your body and hair, getting dressed. After thirty minutes, you gently opened Carl’s door, seeing him lying on his bed breathing steadily in his sleep. You approached his bedside, shaking his shoulder until he woke up and glanced over at you. He had to double take.

“Woah,” he breathed, eyeing you up and down. You wore white lace lingerie that you had luckily scored from a store a while ago. His reaction made the wait worth it. “Y/N?”

“Come on.” You smiled, striding out of his room confidently. He followed in hot pursuit, walking into your room. He wrapped his arms around your waist, kissing your shoulders lovingly. His hot breath bathed you, warming you up.

“Why are you doing this now?” He asked you.

“Because I realized how much danger we’re actually in.”

He pulled away, his cold eye meeting your gaze. “What?”

“When I met Negan, I had never been filled with so much fear. He made me notice that I could lose you so easily, I can’t live with that.”

“You don’t have to do this. Forcing yourself to make me happy just because you’re afraid I’m going to die.” Carl glanced away, turning and looking at the door as if he was considering leaving. You took his hand, pulling him to sit down on the bed beside you.

“I’m not forcing myself— I love you Carl! I want to make love to you right now or I will literally lose my mind.”

He blinked in surprise at your enthusiasm, agreeing silently as he pushed you to lay down on the bed. You obediently sat back, your breathing laboring as he tugged on the clip of your bra, skillfully taking it off without looking at it. He dropped it to the floor, placing his knuckles affectionately against your jaw as he caressed you.

“You’re not doing anything.” You lamely commented, and he laughed.

“Should I?”

“Well, we’re not gonna get anywhere if you just hold me.”

“That’s true, but I want you to know this isn’t just… lust.” He kissed your cheek, and you took his hand, running your fingers over his. “It’s love.”

“I know--”

“No, really. I love you, Y/N. I’ll shout it to the whole world, to the night sky, I’ll tell the whole universe of how much I love Y/N L/N. How I dream of marrying you and creating a future with you, and how I hope this moment lasts forever.”

“Carl…” You mumbled emotionally, tears rolling down your cheeks in heavy streams and seeping into the fabric of the pillow. He wiped your tears and began to undress himself, his lips more warm and passionate now as he kissed your body all over. Everywhere his kiss pressed, you could feel an unfamiliar hotness blossom underneath your skin, causing you to pull his head in closer. His tongue ran across the bud of your nipples, then your stomach, to the lace trim of your panties. He glanced up, looking at the trail of hickies he left behind.

“Just… do it already.” You gasped for air, and he tugged your panties down around your thighs, knees, ankles, then off onto the floor. He leaned up, watching how you flinched at his touch. He frowned, skimming his fingertips across your thigh.

“You look nervous.”

“And you’re not?” You rose your eyebrows, sitting up. “Look, I’m just… not used to this.”

“Well, neither am I.”

“You _have_ looked at porn, haven’t you?” You accused playfully, and he flushed a deep red color, which confirmed your belief. That’s why he wasn’t in awe at your body, he had already seen it before. “Wow, Carl, what a bad boy.” You teased, to which he shrugged embarrassingly.

“Oh, whatever.” He rolled his eyes, taking your thighs roughly and placing your calves on his shoulders.

“Woah!” You shouted, clasping your hands over your exposed womanhood. His eye traced up to you, watching your fearful expression. “W-Wait, Carl, I need to warn you…”

“What’s the matter, love?” He asked, relaxing his hands that held up your legs.

“I’m… not… a virgin.” You finally managed to speak, your voice croaking at the last bit. He rose an eyebrow in questioning, releasing your legs and sitting back a foot away from you. He stared at you in shock.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that… God, I really don’t want to think about this, but you should know. It happened a couple months before we met again…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO BE CONTINUED NEXT CHAPTER!
> 
> Time for a flashback.


	23. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Continued consensual sex! Also, mention of r*pe!
> 
> Lots of angst in this one.

_When you were fourteen, you found your mother. But not in the state you had wanted to. You had opened the door to your backup house, and she lunged at you, snarling and rotting._

_You cried yourself to sleep that night._

_The next morning, you buried her body outside next to the willow tree._

_The next week, you began packing up all the items you could scavenge up._

_The next month, you had been travelling back home to Georgia._

_You didn’t know what to do or where to go at this point. When you thought all hope was lost, you would have dreams of your mother at night. You kept yourself alive just so that you could see said dreams. Things progressively grew worse._

_One night, you were running from a herd of walkers-- back then you called them the dead-- and you ran right into someone else. He was burlesque and towered above you, causing you to cower in fear. He promised you that he had a safe camp, so you agreed naively. He then proceeded to knock you out and take you to his camp, where you worked with other girls. They all said that the men had taken over the camp and did the dirty work while the women did their cliche line of work at the camp._

_You were assaulted not too far in to your stay there. You had remembered, it was your birthday that day._

_You made friends with another young girl, her name was Helena. She was a year younger than you, and was a very timid person. She had bruises on her wrists and legs. You hated seeing her like that. You had to do something._

_Almost a year later, you had gotten ahold of a kitchen knife. You used it to your advantage, and all the girls revolted against the men with you in the lead. You viciously murdered them, and they had also gotten revenge by picking off a couple of your girls._

_You all then ran. Helena was bitten, and they were all dropping like flies one by one. You were the last survivor._

“Y/N… I had no idea.” Carl whispered, pulling you into a hug. “God, _please_ don’t make me do this.”

“Carl, I don’t care. That man died under my hands. I’m not scarred anymore, I’m not afraid either. I know you’re better than any person in this universe, and that’s why we’re going to do this. I opened up to you because I trust and love you, and I don’t want you to think for a moment that I’m holding back on something.”

“But… your first time.”

“That was _not_ my first time. I will never count rape the same as having passionate sex, and you shouldn’t either. I just wanted to tell you to let you know. I personally think virginity is a social construct. Then again, social construct really doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Well, thank you for telling me.” He kissed you softly, lovingly, like nothing you’ve ever felt before. “I’ll be gentler this time--”

“Don’t do that. Carl, I want you to do whatever I beg you to do. If it’s slap me, then slap me. If it’s go faster or go harder, I want it _faster_ and _harder_.” You smiled coyly, causing him to wink playfully when he pushed you back down to the soft and plush bed.

Carl began to touch you again in certain places, his hands delicately lingering across your body and allowing you to feel a great pleasure course through you body like a wave of heat. His hands finally fell down to your flower, and he examined it closely, as if his life depended on it. His index finger prodded your entrance, slickly pushing in due to your wetness.

“Carl!” You whined in surprise. “Mmnnh…” Your voice faded into a mumble as he gently writhed his finger around, causing spikes of arousal in your voice as you moaned.

“Cum for me, Y/N.” He whispered, watching you pull a pillow over your face to muffle your noises. He took the pillow, pushing it off to the side.

“Oh my god, Carl, p-please… it feels so good.” You shook your head side to side, your thighs twitching. “I’m going to… ah, fuck…” Now, his finger began to pump very slowly, but you were already climaxing.

“Come on, baby, you can do it--”

“Faster!” You begged, to which he complied, rhythmically moving his finger at a quicker pace. You threw back your head, crying his name as you climaxed. It took you a couple moments to relax and then you fell back down, panting and releasing your death grip on the blanket. Carl carefully pulled his finger out and drew it to his face, forcing you to watch him sensually run his tongue along the juices that were left behind.

“Are you alright?” He asked gently, placing his hand on the bed next to your head. You nodded, swallowing heavily. “You sure you want me to keep going?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay.” He leaned forward, kissing your neck. You wrapped your arms around him, your fingers running through his hair. You could feel his other hand grip the underside of your thigh, cupping it lightly before he placed it on his hip. He began to grind into your heat with his own, and occasionally you felt his erection against you. Gripping his hair, he let out a short little gasp, biting your neck now. You were beginning to grow tired of the foreplay.

“Fuck me.” You whispered hotly against his ear. “Please, I need you.”

“Yeah?”

“God, Carl,” You laughed now, pushing your head against a soft pillow. “Don’t tease me like this.”

“But you’re so hot when you beg for me.” You could feel his sweat roll onto your body and he was obviously holding back on something.

“Then, _please_ make love to me right now. I need you inside me so badly.”

“Y/N…” He began, biting his lip and meeting your watchful gaze. “Who’s teasing who now?”

You laughed, hugging him around the neck. It wasn’t anything hot or passionate, just a hug. He kissed your cheek, causing warmth to flood there.

“So, you don’t want to use a condom? Are you on the pill?” He asked amidst grinding against you.

“No and no. Just… cum outside.”

“Y/N, you’re risking getting pregnant--”

“That’s not such a bad thing.” You pulled him close. “I love you.”

“...I love you,too.” He said after much hesitation. Not that he didn’t love you, of course, but he really didn’t think it would be that wise to make Judith an aunt at age 3. But, he did what you wanted to do and guided his member to your entrance. You helped him, feeling his tip brush against you and then begin to push. He was slow and cautious and due to your wetness, he slipped right in. Of course it hurt a little, but all you could think about wasn’t the pain but the fact you were one with him right now.

You watched him swallow deeply, panting as if he had just run a marathon. “You’re… really tight.” He managed to drawl out, his voice drifting away. You nodded, feeling his width stretch you out. “Is it okay to move?” He asked politely, his voice tender and caring.

“Mhm.” You barely said anything, knowing the minute you replied, he’d slam right into you. And that’s what he did. You cried out, cupping your hands over your mouth. He took your wrists, pinning them above your head as he watched how you writhed under him in pleasure. He plowed into you, his gaze faltering as he gasped in arousal, dropping his head against your neck as he breathed hotly on your sweaty skin.

“Carl, wait, wait!” You cried aloud and he slowed to a stop, still fully inside of you. You had to catch your breath and you noticed your heart was pounding in your throat.

“What’s the matter? Am I being too rough?”

“God no, you feel amazing… I just… I love you. So much.”

“Well, I love you too Y/N.”

“No! I love you! You’ll never understand how much.” You sobbed quietly, wiping your face and drowning in your emotions. “I can’t imagine a future without you.”

“Y/N… you don’t have to.”

“But… what if I lose you?”

“You’re not going to.” He kissed you gently, his lips tangling with your own. You could feel the softness of his lips and how innocent he made it seem, all the while you could feel his length throbbing in you. You returned the kiss, wrapping your arms up under his shoulders and holding him close as you allowed him to continue.

* * *

The rest of that night went by all too fast for your enjoyment. By the time it was over, he had you wrapped in his arms on top of the blankets. He was collapsed beside you, breathing into your neck.

“Carl.” You addressed, glancing at him over your shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I’m great.” He laughed in your ear, sitting up. “I’m just… sad it’s over.”

“Well, I’m tired, so don’t ask me for a round two.” You rolled your eyes, standing up. You took a tissue from the nightstand, wiping yourself off and feeling his arms hug you from behind.

He rested his chin on your shoulder and you pulled your hair out of your face, looking over at him. That entire time, he had been wearing the bandage around his eye and you hadn’t even noticed. You felt bad so you turned around in his arms and cradled his face, gently unwrapping the bandage.

“Y/N, what are you--”

“Just taking this off.”

“You know how I feel about this…” He began to draw away from your touch, but still intimately lingered. You pulled him back roughly, your eyes determined and set on his.

“And you know how _I_ feel about it, too. Carl, you’re not gross or a monster. I don’t know how many times I have to express that it doesn’t bother me-- _you_ don’t bother me.”

“I’m disfigured.” He whispered under his breath and you shook your head, pulling his chin down and pressing your forehead against his.

“It’s a good thing you’re not trying to impress anyone.” You joked, but he didn’t smile.

“I’m trying to impress you, Y/N.”

“You don’t need to. I love you and I will always love you no matter if you have one or two eyes. No matter if you cut your hair or go bald. No matter if you stop loving me.”

“I would never do that.”

“Then, get used to me showering you with my love and affection.” You patted his chest, putting on a robe. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“Alright.” He nodded, watching you leave the room with nothing but guilt on your shoulders. If only you had time to jump in front of that bullet that Ron sent flying through Carl’s eye socket, maybe he wouldn’t be so unhappy with himself. You had no real idea how much he struggled with his self-confidence, especially now with a girlfriend and a permanent disfigurement.

He turned on the fan in your room, cooling himself off before dressing back in his boxers and laying back on the bed, curled up in the blankets. When you emerged from the shower and saw him lying there, you smiled and put your robe back on its original hook.

“Hey, cutie.” You grinned, opening your drawer and pulling out underwear and a giant t-shirt that belonged to Carl. You dressed yourself then crawled up in his arms, resting your head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat.

“Hey, good shower?”

“Yeah.”

“I better get going, don’t watch dad to catch--”

“You’re not staying?” You said sadly as he sat up. He glanced at you and slowly shrugged.

“I mean… what if dad comes back and sees us?”

“You know he doesn’t mind our relationship, Carl, right? He practically considers me his daughter by now.”

“Yeah, but… okay.” He collapsed back down, pulling the blankets up over him. You smiled at how much he looked like a little baby, it warmed your heart. You stood up, turning off the lights, then laid back down under the covers. You couldn’t see anything since it was pitch black, but you felt his arms pull you into his chest suddenly. You let out a muffled yelp of surprise and laughed, burying your face. You could still hear his breathing and heartbeat, which was the most comforting.

* * *

When it was morning, you woke up first. You rubbed your eyes, staring at your sleeping boyfriend who continued to doze away. You reached out and brushed his hair out of his face, staring into the red socket that once adorned a pretty blue eye neath a veiny eyelid. You untangled yourself skillfully from his grasp and stood up, running your hands through your hair.

You took the time to get dressed and go downstairs to make breakfast. You opened the fridge and began to prepare a simple bacon and eggs breakfast. Rick stumbled down the stairs with an exhausted expression and was half-dressed in the morning sunlight.

“Morning, Y/N.”

“Morning, Rick.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t be here for long. Just heard you down here making breakfast.”

“Yeah? Where’s Michonne?”

“She’s already out and about.”

“That woman’s got a drive.” You admired softly, finishing the eggs and placing them on a ceramic plate and handing it to him. He sat down in the living room but you could still hear him and talk to him. “Anyway, what time d'ya get home?” You asked, hearing his fork scrape against his plate.

“Not sure, maybe three?” He asked, his voice rough. You looked at the clock. It was nine.

“You’ve been asleep for six hours? You need more than that.”

“Nah, I’ve slept in enough.” He fumbled back into the kitchen, placing the clean plate on the counter. You rolled your eyes, taking it and washing it. “Hey, isn’t that Carl’s shirt?”

You froze mid-wash and turned off the water, allowing it to trickle down your wrists and hands. You placed the plate to the side, drying off your hands and then glancing at him.

“Uh, yeah. It is.” You finally replied but he could see the visible alarm on your face. He placed his hand on his hip, looking serious now. You began to worry maybe he would yell at you or know exactly what you two did last night, but he didn’t seem threatening.

“Look, Y/N,” He sighed audibly. “Are you and Carl… serious?”

“What do you mean?” You trembled.

“I mean, are you two having sex?” You paused, red and sweaty in the face. He rose his eyebrow in questioning, but he already had his answer by your reaction. He licked his lips, looking to the side as if he was disappointed. “I don’t care if you are, it’s yours and his business. I just want you two to be safe about it.”

“We are!” You blurted, your face feeling incredibly hot. “I-I mean… please don’t worry about your son.”

“No, I trust you, it’s just that I don’t want you two being reckless and having kids. What if we have to go back outside of the walls? What if they get hurt during an attack, or walkers get to them?”

“Rick… why…”

“I’m only saying that because I know it’s been a miracle we’ve kept Judith alive all this time. I’ve had all these very concerns for her, I’m just worried about you too.”

“No, I understand.” You nodded your head. “We’ll be careful, I promise.”

“Honestly, I’d rather you two not do it at all. It’s a risky thing, but you’re teenagers and you’re going to do that.”

“Lori would definitely not approve.” You joked bitterly, and he stared at you. Maybe you shouldn’t have said that, but he just nodded off and turned around, walking away without a word. Did you make a mistake? You heard the front door close calmly and you slumped against the counter, exhaling deeply.

You then wandered upstairs and into your room, seeing that Carl was still sleeping soundly and peacefully. You sat down on the bed beside him, petting his hair.

“Carl, come on, wake up.” You gently spoke, and you saw his eyelashes flutter before he yawned. He rolled over in the bed and you laughed, leaning over him and pulling him closer. He groaned.

“Do I really have to?”

“I made breakfast.”

He was quiet after that moment until he opened his eye hazily and sat up. You helped him out of bed and held his hand down the stairs and into the living room. You got him and yourself a plate of food and sat on the couch together, whispering faintly.

“Is dad home?” He asked, rubbing his eye and then shoveling the scrambled eggs into his mouth.

“Yeah, so is Michonne. They’re just out.”

“Okay.”

“Are you alright there?” You leaned over, watching how he shut his eye and nearly drowse off again.

“I’m just really beat after last night.” He yawned again. “Who knew it would be so tiring?”

“I’ll get you some coffee.” You grinned and got up, taking his empty plate and yours to the sink before you began to warm up water and add instant coffee to it. You stirred it and added some creamer before walking back into the living room. You paused at the doorway, staring at Carl who was splayed out on the couch. He was relaxed and sitting back, manspreading with his feet pushed back against the coffee table. His eye was shut but once he had heard you, he opened it and looked at you.

“What?” He asked innocently as if you weren’t staring at his chest or his pretty face.

“Nothing.” You stammered, walking up to him and handing him the hot coffee. “Anyway, Carl… I’m going out today.”

“Huh?” He asked with surprise, looking at you with a wide expression. “Uh, no you’re not. You just got back!”

“Yeah, and I have a deal with Negan. If there’s any time that I can go out without worrying about the Saviors or any enemies, it’s now.”

“Then, I’m coming with you.”

“No. You’re tired, you stay here.”

“I’m not letting you go alone! Besides, I’m drinking coffee, I’ll get better. See? I’m already up and awake!”

“Carl…”

“Y/N.” He said in a deep voice, placing his coffee on the table without a coaster. He took your hands, pinning them up above your head and towered over you, his expression scary. “I said _no_.”

The way he had said that made you embarrassed and red-faced. He didn’t mean to be so demanding, but it really turned you on. Your lip quivered and you felt his hand trace your thigh with a smirk plastered on his face.

“What’s with that look, Y/N?”

“W-What look?” You tried to avoid his gaze, but he tugged your chin back to face him.

“The look you had last night.” He cupped your hip, leaning in and kissing your neck. You bit your lip, trying not to whine, but when he suddenly nipped at you, you let a breath escape. He sat back with a satisfied smile, his hand now trailing down to your ass and squeezing it.

“Carl!” You pushed him away, smiling. “You can’t _possibly_ have gained your stamina back that fast.”

“Oh?” He rose an eyebrow, motioning down to the tent in his boxers. You blushed and shook your head, your heart racing. You stood up, dusting yourself off and began to walk away. “Hey, wait, where are you going?”

“I’m going to get dressed!” You shouted, running up the stairs into your room. You locked the door, feeling your heart about to drop through your asshole. Why were you so nervous? You literally did everything last night! You quickly pulled on some jeans and your boots, then made way out of the room. Carl had finished his coffee and was still lying on the couch. “I’m going to go help with gardening today. See you later?”

“Alright.” He spoke, then you quickly ushered yourself out of the house. It was a nice cool day out, so you began to help some others with farming and gardening. You managed to get some carrots, which was especially nice. You thought about making a sweet little dinner for everyone. You saw Carol holding Judith on her hip stroll up to you.

“Oh, hi sweetie.” You cooed, standing up and wiping your forehead. She smiled, causing Carol to burst into a grin.

“I was trying to find Rick.” She said, scanning around the community. “But I guess he left.”

“Yeah, no clue.” You shrugged. “What’s up? Ready to hand her back over?”

“Oh, no, I just love spending time with her. She’s such a smart little girl!” Carol awed, pressing Judith into a hug. “I was wondering if you needed me to watch her again today.”

You thought about Carl, how he was half-naked on the couch, and nodded very swiftly in response. “Yeah, that’d be great, thank you.”

After Carol left, you told the others you’d be taking a break. You approached the pantry, opening the door slowly. Olivia was nowhere to be seen. You frowned and called out gently, but there was no response. So, you went ahead and took a small handgun from the pantry and snuck out undetected. You also managed to leave the gates with only one person-- the guy on watch-- noticing.

After that, you went on your way. You didn’t need to take a car, you knew where you were headed. You thought about a nearby store, but you jumped as you heard thunder rumble nearby. Looking up, you saw rain clouds begin to roll in off the east coast. You made your way carefully into the woods, glancing down occasionally at a map that you had stuffed in your jean pocket.

When you had gotten to the store, it was drizzling rain. Not too hard, but you were soaked. You didn’t mind it at all, knowing it would wash your scent away from nearby walkers. It would also create a lot of mud for walkers to stumble into unknowingly. So, you had almost no worries. When you walked into the store, you saw that it looked untouched from the world outside. Sure, it was a little worn down, but you saw no blood or human remains.

You whistled softly to create attention, just in case a walker was nearby. Pulling the handgun close, your index lingered on top of the trigger. Suddenly, you felt something trip you and you let out a startled scream, falling to the floor. Your gun flew out of your hand a couple yards away. It grabbed at your leg, pulling on your boot. You saw a deteriorated walker behind you, snapping its teeth at you like a wild animal. You heard thunder explode outside, and the lightning flashed from the windows, lighting up the walker that was matted with blood and caked in thick layers, melting from the humidity. You screamed, trying to kick it, but it was biting at your steel-toe, unable to break through your shoe. Suddenly, a gunshot rang in your ear and you grew dizzy, watching the head of the walker erupt and fall down limply to the floor. You sat up, looking around, your eyes blown wide.

You saw Carl standing in the doorway. He was slicked down with rain, his hair stuck down to his face. You also noticed the bandage wrapped tightly around his eye, but you could tell his expression was nothing but pure rage. He lowered his gun, holstering it on his hip and striding up to you.

“Carl? What’re you--”

“No, what are _you_ doing?” He emitted, his voice booming just above the thunder. “I told you not to go! You even left without telling me, how stupid can you get?”

You felt a twinge of pain as he insulted you, but you knew he was right.

“You wouldn’t have allowed me to leave if I had told you.”

“And rightly so!” Carl burst, his fists shaking. “If I wasn’t here, that walker would have bitten you. I saw you leave Alexandria and I followed you.”

“Carl, please calm down.” You still sat firmly on the floor, feeling your throat twist and your nose burn. You were about to cry, you had never seen him so furious.

“I can’t calm down! You could’ve died!”

“I know…”

“Don’t you care about how I feel at all? You didn’t take what I said into consideration, and you just left. If I hadn’t seen you leave, don’t you think I’d be wandering around Alexandria wondering if you’re gone? You already did that to me once! I thought you were dead, Y/N!”

“I’m sorry!” You bawled, shaking your head. He blinked in surprise and kneeled down beside you, taking your hands, but you were drawing more and more into yourself as he grew closer.

“Y/N, I-- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just love you so much, I think I would die if I lost you.”

You wrapped your arms around him, hugging him tightly. He pet your hair, softly whispering in your ear and cooing, trying to calm your nerves and streaming tears.


	24. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: EVEN MORE CONSENSUAL SEX LMFAO  
> okay okay, let's all take a break from this naughtiness!!!!!  
> (but also plot-important, so don't skip this)

You had finally calmed down once Carl reassured you and wiped away your tears. He pressed multiple kisses to your wet cheeks, cradling you as if you were fragile. His hands then held you against his chest until your shaking stopped. When you had stopped crying, he pressed his forehead against yours and kept smiling, causing you to laugh.

“See? There’s that pretty smile.”

“Oh, stop it. It’s so unlike you to flirt.” You giggled, turning away.

“But it makes you happy. And, can I say, you look hot when you’re drenched.”

“Carl!” You playfully pushed against him. “Come on, we should get back to Alexandria.” You began to walk toward the doors, but you stopped to stare out a window.

“I don’t know about that… it’s thundering and lightning pretty hard, maybe we should stay here.”

“What about your dad? He’s gonna start worrying.” You turned to face him, away from the glass window.

“As long as we get back, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Might as well take advantage of this situation. What store is this? Where are we?”

“JCPenney, in a nearby town.”

“It’s pitch black.” He mumbled, looking around. He didn’t have a flashlight, but that’s where you came to the rescue. You had a small but strong one, turning it on and facing the store. It looked cobweb-infested but other than that, it was fine. You began to move forward, avoiding the walker that had attacked you earlier. “What are we looking for?”

“Uh, I dunno. Anything? JCPenney specializes in clothing, so I doubt there’s going to be food here.”

“It might be nice to get some new shirts.” He mused, walking up to a rack and sorting through the few shirts that had been left behind. You, in the meantime, didn’t stray far and looked at feminine clothing.

“Hey, can I borrow that flashlight?” Carl asked as he approached you from behind. You nodded and handed it to him. You were adjusting to the darkness, anyway. He walked away with it, and you had to squint to allow your eyes to get used to it. You didn’t find anything of interest, so you walked to another section.

You had ended up in the underwear department. JCPenney wasn’t a great store for lingerie, but you had picked out some items that you thought would fit.

* * *

Carl walked off, making sure you weren’t following behind him. He knew JCPenney had a jewelry section, he just didn’t know how to get into it. So, he shone the light onto the glass case, staring inside and moving his finger around, trying to figure out what would look the best. He imagined necklaces around your neck, rings on your fingers, and earrings in your ears. Until he saw it.

It was a small dainty ring, but the diamond on the top glittered in the shape of a rose. He smiled knowingly, hopping the counter and jiggling the door handle, but it was locked.

“Dammit.” He said, giving up. Glancing around, he used the handle of his gun as he smashed it against the glass. It gave way and shattered under the pressure, to which he heard a sharp yelp in surprise not to far off.

“Are you okay?” You asked from afar.

“I’m great, just knocked over something.” He replied nervously, sticking his hand recklessly inside the display. He fumbled with it, but picked it up and shoved it hastily into his pocket. He stood up, feeling small cuts on his hand from the broken glass. Ignoring them, he walked back over to where he had left you.

“Oh my God!” He shouted, covering his eye once he had noticed you were undressing in the middle of the store. “What are you doing?!”

“I’m trying on stuff, duh.” You said, as if it was the most obvious thing.

“We’re in public!”

“Do you see anyone else around here?” You rolled your eyes, unhooking your bra and tossing it on your pile of clothes, your back turned toward Carl. He glanced away with a miserable expression. When you had finished putting on a sheer nightgown, you twirled for him. “What do you think?”

“I… uh wow.” He breathed, walking up to you. He took your hands, swinging them slightly. “Gorgeous.”

“Oh, stop it!” You laughed, “But keep going.”

He squeezed your hands, looking down at them. He lowered himself onto the floor, his piercing blue gaze tracing your arms up and finally meeting your eyes. He was on one knee, balancing on the dusty floor. You blinked, watching as he fumbled with something in his pocket and pull out the shining silver ring.

“Carl…” You whispered, and he shook his head.

“Y/N, I want to ask if you will be mine forever. Will you marry me?”

“We can’t get married! We’re still so young, and… and… we don’t have any wedding things and… it’ll look ridiculous.”

“What do you mean?” He tilted his head, still on his knee.

“I mean that getting married during the end of the world really isn’t a thing you do anymore! Maggie and Glenn never had a wedding. It’ll just be a waste of everyone’s time—”

“Do _you_ want a wedding?”

You didn’t hesitate to answer. “Yes.”

“Then, we’re going to have one. I don’t care if it intervenes with people’s schedules. Even though the world has gone to shit, we won’t care about it. We’re going to keep the old traditions and make the world right again.”

You began to cry, but it was happy tears. He smiled, looking at you with so much love in his face. “Then, I’ll ask again. Will you marry me, Y/N?”

“Yes.” You cupped your hand over your mouth as he stood up, taking your hand and slipping the ring on. Although you had worn your mother’s wedding ring before, you never knew it would feel this way. You couldn’t wait to wear it for the rest of your life. You wrapped your arms around him, hugging him. You had nothing but gratitude toward him. He saved you.

“Find a seat.” You said as you pulled away. He blinked and slowly nodded, taking the flashlight and hurrying off. He had found a regular dining chair that had a plush seat and placed it down in front of you after five minutes of searching. He half expected you to sit down, but you tugged on his hand and brought him down to the seat.

“Y/N?” He asked, still not entirely sure what you were doing.

“Relax.” Your hands began to skim over his clothes, unbuttoning his shirt. He then realized what you were doing.

“H-Here?” He stuttered.

“Until the storm subsides, we have to find a way to pass the time.” You flirted heavily, straddling his lap. You took his hat off, placing it on your own head playfully. “So, tell me what you want me to do.”

“I’m embarrassed.” Carl groaned, rolling his eyes. “What if someone catches us?”

“We’re in the back of the store. If there’s anyone coming, we’ll hear them first.” You took off his flannel, tugging his gray undershirt off his head. You kissed his chest passionately, biting and sucking and leaving hickies behind.

“Then… uhm…” Carl mumbled, his voice hardly audible. “A…” His voice trailed away as he silently mouthed something, and you rose an eyebrow.

“A what?”

“A b…”

“Come on, Carl, just spit it out.”

“A blowjob.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, was that too much to ask? I shouldn’t have—”

“Okay.” You said, crawling down onto the floor. You unbuckled his belt, sliding it to the side.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to, you’ve only done this once before.”

“Yeah, and that one time you were practically on cloud nine.” You flattered yourself. “I won’t brag, but I think I did a pretty good job.”

Then, you cautiously— and a lot more bold than last time— tugged on the fly of his jeans and boxers and watched as his erection grew harder. You leaned forward, gently caressing his width with your delicate touch. With the flashlight shining on the ceiling of the store, your shadows were cast across the room drastically.

“Y/N, please don’t tease me.” He begged, and you purred in amusement.

“But you’re just so cute.” You said, running your hands up and down. “I’ll get straight to the point _if_ you tell me what you want to do to me.”

“I want to make love to you.” He threw his head back, wincing with pleasure.

“Vivid details.” You demanded.

“I-I… can’t…”

“Then I guess you’re not going to cum.” You sighed softly, keeping your mouth away from him. This panicked him, seeing as he was already getting way too into it.

“What? You can’t do that!” He bit his lip, looking down at you. You gripped his member, staring intimidatingly back at him. He let out a short groan.

“Can I?”

“Ughh… okay, Y/N. I want to… I wanna fuck you hard until you scream my name.”

“And then?”

“I… I urgh!—” You sped up, and he began to twitch under your hand, but you wouldn’t allow him to cum just yet. “—want to cum inside…”

“Carl… I don’t know.” You looked away, red-faced. “We don’t have any protection.”

“Outside, then.” He grumbled, throwing his head to the side. “Just… I need to.”

“Then, my mouth.” You gently wrapped your lips around his tip, bobbing your head. His hands tangled in your hair, pushing you closer until you began to gag. Then, you moved rhythmically up and down, allowing your tongue to curl around his width. The lewd sounds coming from your mouth only aroused you more.

“Fuck, Y/N, fuck!” He cried aloud, gritting his teeth and growling deep in his throat. “I’m cumming— I!” He didn’t finish his sentence, but you could feel his nails dig into the back of your head as he pushed you down, his hot semen spurting in your mouth. You shut your eyes quickly, waiting until he was finished to finally pull away. You swallowed it and gasped for air.

“I am… so sorry.” Carl pulled you up onto his lap, his face dripping with sweat. “I didn’t mean to—”

“God, Carl, it was amazing. Don’t apologize.” You pushed your hair out of your face right as he crammed his lips against yours, passionately making out with you. You pushed him off of you, wiping your mouth.

“Wait, aren’t you… like… a little grossed out by that?” You stammered in embarrassment, to which he shook his head in disagreement.

“Y/N, I love you. I’m not going to avoid kissing you just because you… you know.”

“God dammit, you’re just making me fall in love with you even more.” You sighed, standing up. “Now, remember, you’re my fiance, so you can touch me anywhere you want.” You winked, swaying your hips side to side. You rose your arms and crossed your wrists so that your chest was pushed out. He watched as you drew closer, immersed in your erotic dance, your crotch brushing against his knee. You leaned in as if you were going for a kiss, but quickly jumped back at the chance. You saw his fingers twitch.

“Y/N, are you trying to tease me?”

“Maybe.” You panted, rolling your hips now and straddling his lap. His hands smoothly ran across your thighs, holding you in place as you grinded against his recovering boner. You had no idea he had so much adrenaline. “But it’s working.”

“Where did you learn this?”

“Practice.” You smiled. “I knew you’d like it.”

“I really do…” He grinned, but he was beginning to get too cocky. You wanted to see him squirm more. So, you began to slowly take off the sheer dress and toss it to the floor, left in the soft lingerie. His hands reached out to touch your bra, but you snatched his wrist, smiling deviously. “Uh— Y/N—”

“I want to watch you masturbate.” You demanded, and his jaw dropped.

“W-What? Can you even ask that?”

“I just did.”

“Then do it with me! It’s too embarrassing to do on my own.”

“Is it?” You leaned in, wrapping your arms around his neck. “Then I suppose we’ll just stop here—”

Carl’s hand wrapped around his own dick, and he slowly began to motion his fist up and down. You watched with interest as he shut his eye tightly, biting his lip. You took him by the chin, forcing him to stare as you unhooked your bra and placed it down on the floor.

Thunder roared outside and the shower of rain grew louder outside. Carl grunted as he began to go faster, staring obediently at your breasts. Suddenly, you clasped your hand over his to indicate for him to stop, but it wasn’t over yet. You got up off of his lap, hastily taking your panties off and throwing them next to your bra. You straddled him again, desperate for him, and began to lower yourself onto him.

“Y/N!” He shouted, his palms clutching onto your ass and pushing you down. Once you felt his length slam into you, you let out a shy moan. The old wooden chair began to creak with age as you began to lift yourself up and release your weight, allowing a pattern to form. You began to grow addicted to this swirling feeling in your mind and the way his manhood filled you up completely.

Suddenly, you caught a glimpse out of the front door. You paused, leaned down, and turned off the flashlight. Cupping your hand over Carl’s lips, you stared at the figure outside. His stare fixated on the figure also.

“What’s that?” He whispered, his voice hardly discernible.

“Walker outside. Looks like it’s alone. Doesn’t know we’re in here.” You nodded toward the way it walked, stumbling around outside. It lingered outside of the front door, but you didn’t want that to kill the mood. You lifted yourself and dropped back down.

“Y/N!” Carl whisper-shouted in alarm. “Are you crazy?”

“Isn’t it hot, though? The idea of getting caught fucking you…” You murmured in response, quickening your pace. You kept your moans hidden at the back of your throat, but Carl’s guttural whimpers became a problem. So, you gently kept your hand around his mouth. You watched the walker turn around and walk in the opposite direction, obviously not interested with the store. Until you saw it disappear in the rainy haze, you felt confident enough to finally—

Carl gripped your wrists, pushing you onto the floor. Your back slammed against the soft fabric of your sheer lingerie and you felt his dick furiously pound into you.

“Carl! Y-You’re so aggressive!”

“Because, you could’ve gotten us killed.”

“God, _yes!_ Fuck me harder, make me your little slut!” You whined aloud, tossing your head. The pleasure, like electricity, lit up inside of you and caused sparks to fly.

“You’re such a bad girl, Y/N.” Carl dirty-talked to you, his expression entirely dangerous. You loved it. “Risking our lives like that…”

“Oh my fucking god, I’m cumming!” You cried, arching your back. You felt him slam into you and you purposefully squeezed your walls tightly. Suddenly, something exploded inside of you and filled you warmly. When the world around you began to turn white, you collapsed with exhaustion. Carl, still pinning your wrists beside your head, realized what he had just done.

“Oh, shit.” He muttered under his breath. “Shit, shit…”

“What?” You asked in a daze.

“I uh… I came inside.”

“You did _what_?” You nearly shrieked, sitting up. Sure enough, you saw dainty white droplets of his semen leak out onto the floor. You ran your hands through your hair, hunching over.

“Look, I-I’m sorry, I just… I got a little excited.”

“You think? What happens if I get pregnant, Carl?”

“I-I don’t know! I’m so sorry!” He looked away as if his dreams had just been bashed in. You shook your head, exhaling dramatically and patting him on the shoulder.

“It’s okay. You got ahead of yourself, I get it. I’ll just… get some birth control or something.”

Carl got dressed back into his clothes and so did you. You had found some backpacks in the store and began taking clothes. When the rain had calmed down, you two decided to leave the JCPenney and head off in the town looking for a pharmacy. When you had found a Walgreens, you two had to break in to look around.

You couldn’t see the sun, but you knew it was setting behind the dark black clouds that thickly laid across the foggy sky. It was getting darker out, but that didn’t phase you as you approached the back of the store, searching down each aisle until you came to the hygiene section. There, you took a couple boxes of condoms and whatever birth control pills you could manage to scrounge up. You took one immediately.

You began to head back to Alexandria. It was a long walk and the night was slowly drowning the world into darkness, but you kept the flashlight handy. At least it was still a little light out. It took about thirty minutes and keeping to a specific road, you heard a voice holler behind you.

“HEY!”

You whirled on your heels, ready to attack, but you recognized the person immediately. You almost blurted out his name in confusion, but you stayed quiet. You rose your hands and Carl followed your example.

Simon strode up to the two of you with confidence and terror written in his eyes. He looked nothing but straight pissed. He noticed you and must’ve remembered you from a couple days ago, but his expression hadn’t changed a smidge.

“Who are you?” He asked threateningly, holding up his machine gun. A couple of other people jogged out from the woods, also showing their weaponry off.

“Just travelers, please, let us go.” You begged and Carl shot you a glance. He didn’t know what you were doing, but you shook your head very faintly as a reply.

“What’s in the bags?”

“Clothes.” You wearily spoke, and Simon glared at you. You knew he hated your guts, you knew he wanted to just kill you on the spot, yet he lowered his weapon. Holding up a fist to the other Saviors, he nodded to you. “Thank you.” You replied, taking Carl’s hand and backing up, quickly escaping the scene. You waited until they were out of ear range.

“Who was that?” Carl asked inquisitively.

“Simon, one of Negan’s top people. I guess the others were just some other Saviors.”

“Did he know who you were?”

“Yeah.”

Suddenly, it dawned on you.

“It was a test.” You said, mostly to yourself. When you looked back, they were gone.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… he was trying to see if I would say anything about knowing him. See if I would spill. Negan doesn’t know that I told you, you’re the only one.”

“Or trying to see if you would attack him.” Carl sighed thoughtfully. You nodded in agreement, looking away. That was definitely close.


	25. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Spoilers for S6 E16! If you aren't caught up on TWD, I suggest you go and watch it before reading this entire thing. Really, it's been full of spoilers, but this is where a lot of shit goes down.

A week had passed since then. You got up early in the morning, doing your usual routine. You took Judith on a small walk and allowed someone else to take her generously from your custody. Carl had been up all night on watch, which you admired greatly. He seemed tired and you offered to take him back to the house to rest, but he wanted to spend the day with you.

“Carl, you haven’t been taking a break lately.” You whispered, running the palm of your hand across his back gently.

“The Saviors are out there, you know what they did to Denise.”

“That may be so, but don’t forget my pact with Negan.” You sighed, looking down at your jeans.

“What they tried to do to Maggie and Carol?” Carl asked, raising his eyebrows toward you. “To Daryl, Rosita, Eugene? That’s not going to happen to you, I’m not going to let it.”

“Well, looks like the tables have turned. What’s going on with you, Carl?”

“I’m worried!” He shouted, alarmed now. “You can’t really trust Negan, what if he turns on his word? Everything’s been so quiet, I feel like I’m going crazy!”

“Just calm down. If anything, I’ll protect you.”

“Oh, Y/N!” He groaned in agony. “I’m supposed to be the one saying that! I feel so… weak and useless when you tell me that.”

“What? You shouldn’t!” You said in shock, surprised he had even said that. You saw Rick racing up to you with nothing but concern on his face.

“We need to get Maggie to a doctor, _now_.”

“What’s going on?” You stood up quickly off of the bench, all ready to go.

“She’s having pains, we have to take her to Hilltop to see the doctor.”

“Oh my God.” You cupped your hands over your mouth worriedly. “I’ll come.”

“Me too.” Carl agreed, and his father nodded in appreciation.

The two of you raced to the pantry, loading up what weapons and equipment you could gather from Olivia. She seemed hesitant, but she knew the situation and allowed you to get whatever you needed. As you proceeded to fill your bag, you glanced over at Carl, who was silent.

“What’s on your mind?” You asked.

“I’m just worried.”

“You’re not… _Carl._ Are you hoping we’re going to run into the Saviors? Is that why you’ve been talking about them all morning?” Your tone grew harsh and serious and you leaned in closely. “We are not going to attack them, I have a pact.”

“That pact’s shit and we both know it!” Carl growled, his eye glaring at you dangerously. “If there’s any Saviors that stop us on our way, I’m not going to be reluctant.”

“Carl, don’t be a dumbass.” You took his wrist, stopping him. “If you shoot, they’re going to shoot back. I don’t believe or trust Negan, but we have to follow through on our side of the deal just in case it is.”

“It’ll make us weak, unguarded.”

“No, it’ll make us stronger.” You disagreed. “If we can get on the Savior’s good side, we’re going to make it.”

“How can you be so sure?! You risked your life once because you wanted to protect me, I don’t want you to disappear!” He shouted, angry, whirling around and walking off. You watched in dejection, sighing and trailing behind him. You all piled in the RV, driving off. The road was silent as Abraham drove, and neither you or Carl spoke a word to each other. You knew he was mad at you, you really wished he wouldn’t have argued with you.

“What the bitch?” Abraham spoke up about twenty minutes into the drive. You frowned and looked up, seeing a group of people up ahead.

“Oh my God,” You breathed. Was that… Simon standing there? Everyone sat up, alert, and Maggie continually frowned, trying to see what was going on.

“What?” Rick asked in a gruff tone, approaching the front of the RV. He took one look out the window and exhaled loudly in frustration.

“Enemy close.” Abraham said, his palms still firmly placed against the wheel.

“The Saviors.” You said under your breath, your voice poisonous.

“We doin’ this?”

“No.” Rick said, glancing at his son who looked prepared to fight. Then, Rick gathered the group up and began leading the way out of the RV. He held up his hands in defeat as you and Carl hopped out.

“Recognize them?” Carl asked you, the first time he had spoken since your argument. You didn’t reply, seeing Simon open his mouth to speak about the man lying on the ground next to him.

“He’s someone who was with a whole lotta someones who didn’t listen.”

“We can make a deal, right here, right now.” Rick said and you could hear the desperation edging his voice.

“That’s right, we can. Give us all your stuff, we’ll probably have to kill one of you, that’s just the way it is. But then we can start moving forward on business. All you have to do is listen.” Simon spoke up.

You glared at him and he caught your gaze. Something had happened that told you that you didn’t do a good enough job of controlling your people. You cursed in the back of your head, keeping a quiet facade.

“Yeah… that deal’s not gonna work for us.” Rick leaned, holding his gun now. “Fact is, I was thinking about asking you for all of _your_ stuff. Only, I’m thinkin’ I don’t have to kill any of you. Any more of you.”

“Rick, what are you doing?” You whispered to him, and he hardly looked at you. “Please, just let them have their way.”

“Are you crazy?” Carl grabbed you, pulling you back into place. “We’re not giving them anything.”

You heard a can rattling and saw that up ahead, one of the Saviors began to spray white spray paint on the man. “Sorry,” Simon said, “my deal is the only deal. We don’t negotiate.”

You saw Rick nod his head, then motion to you all behind him with his fingers. “Me and my people are leaving,” Rick said as people began to walk back to the RV.

“Okay, friend, plenty of ways to get to where you’re going.” Simon said, and you knew something was up. You all piled back into the RV as Rick threatened Simon again, they bantered back and forth, and then Rick got in and the engine started up. Abraham backed up, drove a little way and stopped to get a new route. When one was found, they began driving that way.

“Bitch nuts.”

“Okay, seriously Abraham, those expressions--” You paused from talking, seeing another group of people blocking the way.

“We making our stand?” Sasha asked, turning to them. Carl, with a furious expression on his face, nodded.

“Yeah, we end it.”

“Carl, no! We don’t have to do anything!--”

“You see them, right?” Sasha asked you, her sassiness never failing to shock you. “They probably have all the other roads blocked, too! We’re not going to get to Hilltop.”

“No, not now.” Rick barked at the rest of you. “They’ve been waiting. They’re ready. With one of us on the wheel, that’s six on sixteen. We’re gonna play it our way, how we want it. Right?” He turned to his son, who looked taken aback.

“...Right.” Carl caved in hesitantly.

Rick had then commanded Abraham to go slowly, and so he did. The gearshift clicked loudly and Abraham let up off of the brake, allowing the vehicle to roll back ever so slightly. You went inches, then feet, and saw a Savior up ahead raise his gun and ring shots into the air threateningly. He did it a couple more times as you all armed yourself worriedly, then turned around and zoomed back down the road you just came from.

It took ten minutes, and by then, you were all buzzing.

“Sasha’s right,” Rick broke up the minor small talk between everyone. “They probably have every road blocked.”

“That’s a crazy amount of people, though.” Carl frowned. “How many more roads do we have?”

“I don’t think we should risk it anymore.” Sasha shook her head as Abraham stayed quiet.

“I agree entirely with Sasha.” Eugene piped up, in his usual affirmative tone. You sighed and cradled your head.

“Well, Y/N, you know what it’s like, right? How many Saviors ambushed you?” Rick asked. You had almost asked him what he meant for clarification but remembered your earlier lie to cover up the truth you were working for Negan. You reluctantly thought as if you had to recall a distant memory, then began to speak.

“A lot. Like, a whole group. Didn’t Jesus already talk about how large the Saviors were? What are we going to do?”

“The only thing we _can_ do.” Rick sighed, his shoulders slumping. He walked up to Abraham’s side and leaned over, speaking quietly about the gas situation. Suddenly, you saw a line of people-- no, walkers-- up ahead. Abraham stopped the vehicle.

You all got out, holding your guns up. You carefully scanned the area, listening as Eugene’s voice nearly got drowned out by the walkers. Rick said something, but you could hardly hear him, and he pulled out his knife. You were about to join him when he suddenly stopped. A piece of Michonne’s dreadlocks. Rick fell silent and still and you began to fear for Michonne. Then, you spotted a walker with two arrows stuck in its chest.

“That’s Daryl’s.” Sasha said, speaking up.

Rick walked up toward the walker with Michonne’s hair. He ripped it off, staring at it.

“Rick!” You shouted, right as he began to raise his ax in pure rage. Gunfire sounded in the clearing of the road and you leaped at Carl, pulling him closer to you. You stumbled with him back toward the RV.

“Get back to the RV! Go!” Rick said, lowering his body close to the ground as he ran back. You helped Carl inside before you raised your gun, pointing it at a Savior.

It was war.

You pulled the trigger, allowing multiple bullets to fly out at a time. Then, you released it. You watched as one of the Saviors dropped down and the other flew backward due to the impact of a bullet. You ducked as they shot back at you. Rick began hacking at the wall of walkers, with Abraham’s help, and knocked it over, moving it to the side recklessly. Then, you all piled in and slammed the doors. Abraham quickly slammed on the gas, passing through the new clearing.

As you all drove on, it was quiet. The RV occasionally let out a squeal. Sasha was the first to address it, Eugene gave a couple of logical responses, and as you looked at Rick, you saw him spiral slowly.

“They want us in this direction!” He said, but he didn’t seem angry.

“Barton Road takes us north, but they gotta know we wanna go north.” Sasha said, glancing down at the map.

“Meadows.” Eugene interrupted. “Could take us east a piece, but we can get back on track on Mayhew.”

“We’re down to a third of a tank. We could top off at the next stop, but no refills after that.”

“Alright.” Rick grunted.

You sat silently next to Carl, who seemed distant. He looked at you, then at the others, and quietly took your hand, leading you away. He shut the bathroom door, the two of you cramped in there.

“Carl, what’re you--”

“Listen to me, Y/N. Why did you push me into the RV?”

“What do you mean?”

“When we were getting shot at, you pulled me into the RV and then stayed behind to shoot at the Saviors.”

“Carl, I was worried--”

“See, this is the exact shit I don’t want you to do!” He tried not to raise his voice, knowing very well that the walls were paper thin. “It should be _my_ job protecting _you_.”

“What kind of BS is that? It doesn’t matter who protects who, as long as we’re safe.” You crossed your arms. “Why are you being so goddamn irritable today?”

“Because of you!” He argued, his blue eye storming up with anger. “You don’t let me do anything-- you’re just like my dad!”

“Oh, really, you’re going to compare me to your dad? God, Carl, grow up! Stop being a whiny little kid!” You pushed him away, causing him to fall and sit on the toilet before you left and slammed the door.

The RV slowed to a stop and you looked out the window. There, at least a hundred Saviors stood. In front, to the side, on top of their vehicles all holding heavy-duty machine guns. You cupped your hand over your mouth with fear. Abraham slowly backed up and went the other way.

It took about thirty minutes again, but you happened upon a large pile of logs. As you all got out and walked up to it, you stood as far away from Carl as possible. You knew he needed his space.

“These tracks… they would indicate that not only they have people, but some big ass toys and capabilities.” Eugene said.

“What it indicates is that we are neck-deep up shit creek with our mouths wide open.” Abraham bluntly replied. Suddenly, after he said that, you heard chains jingle behind you. All of you whirled around, pointing your guns as a man fell off the bridge, choking by the pressure of the chains. Aaron insisted on breaking the chains, but Rick said they needed the bullets. So, you all watched as the man took his last big gasp for air.

Then, when you heard crackling, and you all turned and saw the pile of logs bursting into flames. You heard a familiar voice.

“You’re treating your people good, right? Like it was your last day on Earth? Or maybe, one of theirs?” Said the voice, and you knew it was Simon. Your throat tightened and you realized all you did today was argue with Carl. You sent him a glance that he had returned, but neither of you did nor said anything. “You better go. It’s gonna get hot. You go get where you’re going.”

“Go, go.” Rick said to you all, and you all swiftly walked to the RV, getting back in. You were growing tired of this routine.

When you all had driven for a solid five minutes, Abraham parked the car somewhat distant from any road that shot off from the main one. You all gathered in the ‘living room’ of the RV, sitting and standing, talking around the group.

“So, what’s the play?” Abraham asked, his voice rough.

“She needs a doctor.” Rick walked up, rubbing the sweat from his face.

“There are two more routes north from here.” Sasha pointed to the map, which you all glanced at momentarily.

“They’re probably waiting for us right now.” Aaron sighed, sounding as if he was giving up.

“So, they’re ahead of us. Probably behind us.” Eugene cut in, shaking a little. He looked jarred and scared, which all of you were definitely. “But they’re not waiting on us, per se, they’re waiting on this rust bucket. They don’t know the moment-to-moment occupancy of said rust bucket. And the sun sets soon.”

“Eugene, that’s risky…” You said, but Rick shook his head.

“But he’s right. That might be the only way we can do this.” Rick leaned against the wall, next to his son. “I thought about it earlier, too.”

“Then, I guess it’s settled.” You sat up.

* * *

It was night, the sun had sunk and you were finally more uneasy than you had begun. You allowed Maggie to sleep as you gently lifted her on a flat surface, laying her blanket on top of her body. You got help as you cautiously took her out of the vehicle.

Having the help of all the others, you took your time. Maggie, though, couldn’t sleep that much and instead looked to you all with tears in her eyes.

“Thank you.” She murmured. You smiled at her and then began to walk through the woods toward the north, praying the entire time that nothing bad would happen. When you would often happen upon a walker, Carl would run at them and swing his machete, cutting through the skull and sauntering up ahead as if nothing had just happened. God, how did he make killing look so sexy? You missed his embrace. You wanted to apologize, but this was not the time. Maggie began to beg to walk, but Aaron wouldn’t let her, shutting her down.

Then, you heard Carl’s sweet voice. But, you were carrying Maggie’s lower end, so you couldn’t hear what he was talking to his dad about. You only wished he would talk to you.

Suddenly, you heard whistling. Something that seemed all too familiar. You panicked, alert, and looked around. The constant two-note song continued on from multiple angles and perspectives, echoing and sounding louder in your ears. You then saw shadows-- people-- darting through the underbrush.

“Go, go!” Rick said in a rush, sprinting away. You had to keep up with his pace as Carl led the way away. You tried to not stumble over yourself, but you saw a couple of others do it as everyone’s strides were different. Abraham ushered you to let go as he and Rick ran. You pulled your gun around into your arms and aimed it as you ran, glancing around for figures. You must’ve lost the sight of them, but you couldn’t stop hearing them. Suddenly, you all ran into a clearing and blinding lights flickered on.

You just noticed where you remembered this from.


	26. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: MORE SPOILERS AHHH

You were all surrounded by Saviors. You knew they were Saviors, the tune that they sang with their whistles rang in your ears. It sounded like a siren, blasting through your head, they were so loud. Were they not worried about walkers?

You noticed Eugene in the distance, sitting on his knees in disappointment. He looked dirty as if he had been thrown on the ground multiple times. You felt your heart ache at the sight. You shuffled closer to Carl, but he didn’t seem to notice you as you turned all around, looking at every face you could register in the blinding lights.

“Good, you made it.” Simon said confidently, striding forward from the darkness. You scowled immediately when his eyes met yours. “Welcome to where you’re goin’. We’ll take your weapons, _now_.” He said as he pointed his gun to Carl. You knew he knew you, you knew that Negan must’ve told him everything. You began to shake in fear, knowing you couldn’t protect Carl against this entire group. You were helpless.

“We can talk about--” Rick tried to speak, but Simon cut him off.

“We’re done talking. Time to listen.”

And with that, Saviors approached all of you, stripping you of your weapons. You felt their grody paws pat you down, brushing against your hips and breasts before retreating back. You watched Simon approach Carl and take his gun from its holster and talk to him quietly. Carl glared with utmost hatred. Simon flicked his hat and sat up.

“Let’s get ‘er down and get you all on your knees.” Simon demanded and you tried to grab Carl’s attention, but he wouldn’t stop staring at Simon.

“Hold on, let us do it.” Abraham grunted, carefully placing down Maggie onto the ground as she lifted herself up. You held out your hand, helping her to balance herself on her feet. Abraham and Rick took her nearby, setting her down gently as she stumbled. Then, Eugene was shoved beside her. Slowly, one by one, you all got down on your knees. You sat next to Carl, cold and scared.

“Dwight! Chop-chop!” Simon shouted, and the blonde Savior from a couple weeks ago emerged from the group. He didn’t look nearly as threatening as Simon, but you still hated them with all of your heart. Dwight opened the doors to a truck and pulled out some people, roughly handling them. There, you saw Daryl, Michonne, Rosita, and Glenn all clamber out in a desperate attempt to get away. Sadly, they were pushed to the ground.

“Alright! We got a full boat! Let’s meet the man.” Simon grinned, his teeth showing. You knew exactly who he was talking about. The door slowly swung open, and with suspense, out stepped a familiar face in the dim light. The bat draped over his shoulder told you exactly who it was, and confirmed your thoughts.

“Pissin’ our pants yet?” Negan asked, smiling as he stepped forward into the light. “Boy, do I have a feeling we’re getting close. Yep. Gonna be pee-pee pants city here real soon.”

In all honesty, if you weren’t on the ground shivering in terror, you’d be laughing.

“Which one of you pricks is the leader?” His eyes met yours and you didn’t dare look away.

“It’s this one.” Simon said, motioning toward Rick. “He’s the guy.”

Negan sighed softly, his breath visible in the air as thin plumes of condensation. You could see the balls of sweat drip down the side of Carl’s head as you glanced at him, Aaron on your other side. “Hi.” Negan smiled. “You’re Rick, right? I’m Negan.”

Acting like a friendly neighbor, Negan’s eyes darted constantly to you. You silently begged for him to not mention your deal with him. “And I do not appreciate you killin’ my men. And when I sent my people to kill your people for killing my people, you killed _more_ of my people. Not cool.”

You had already discussed this with Negan. Why was he threatening you now? Was the deal off? Was he just sick and tired of waiting around for nothing to happen? Why was he doing this? You wanted to ask him, but you also wanted to keep bullets out of your skull.

“You have no idea how not cool that shit is. But, I think you’re going to be up to speed shortly. Yeah. You are so gonna regret crossing me in a few minutes. Yes, you are. You see, Rick, whatever you do, no matter what, you don’t mess with the new world order. And the new world order is this, and it’s really very simple. So, even if you’re stupid, which you very well may be, you can understand it. You ready? Here goes. Pay attention.”

Swinging-- what did he name it?-- Lucille down to Rick’s shoulder, you could feel your body tense up. “Give me your shit, or I will kill you.” He laughed softly, then began to walk around the line of people. “Today was career today. We invested a lot so you would know who I am and what I can do. You work for me now.”

You formed a fist on the dirt, knowing this was yet another trap. “You have shit, you give it to me. That’s your job.” Negan finished his sentence, looking at Rick dangerously.

“Now, I know that is a mighty, big, nasty pill to swallow, but swallow it you most certainly will. You ruled the roost. You built something. You thought you were safe, I get it.” He chuckled under his breath. “But, the word is out. You are _not_ safe. Not even close-- in fact, you are pegged, more pegged if you don’t do what I want and what I want is half your shit. And if that’s too much, you can make, find, or steal more and it’ll even out sooner or later. This is your way of life now. The more you fight back, the harder it will be.”

You couldn’t hear Negan anymore, you began to tune his voice out. When you glanced at Carl, you could see him twitching occasionally in fear. You knew he was scared, but you didn’t want to move at all, worried Negan would begin to focus on you. Negan ranted on and on about owning you all and whatnot. He swung his bat around, introducing it as if it were a live being, and smiled the entire time.

“All this, all this just so we can pick out which one of you gets the honor.” Negan said, looking around at all of you. His eyes lingered on you and Carl. You shook your head slowly, trying to tell him no, but his lips quirked up in a knowing smile. He scratched his beard, circling around, and kneeling down in front of Carl. “You got one of our guns-- you got a lot of our guns.” He twiddled with Lucille, shifting his bat from hand to hand. “Shit, kid, lighten up. At least cry a little.”

“No.” You whispered, and he looked at you.

“What was that?” He tilted his head. You didn’t say anything more, but you knew he had heard you. You glared at him as if he was the embodiment of Satan himself. He stood up, chuckling, and moved over to Maggie. He talked about putting her out of her misery and Glenn shrieked, leaping at him. He was beaten down by Dwight and shoved back into line.

“Alright, listen, don’t any of you ever do that again. I will shut that shit down, no exceptions.” He murmured something else and then moved back again, looking around. He eyed down Carl and pointed at him with Lucille, laughing. “This is your kid, right? _Carl?_ ” You could see Carl tense and Negan continued laughing, asking him again.

“Just stop this!” Rick cried, and Negan whirled on his feet.

“HEY.” Negan shouted, his voice booming. “Do not make me kill the little future serial killer. Don’t make it easy on me!”

You couldn’t stop watching Negan. He was obviously flaunting the information you had given to him-- Carl’s name-- and he knew you loved him. Your fingers twitched on the ground and you gently began to move them toward him, lacing your fingers with his. He didn’t delay in returning the gesture, enveloping your cold hand with his. You could feel him trembling.

The familiar whistle came from Negan’s lips, almost as loud as a howl. It tapered away as he tried to hold back another cocky chuckle and he burst into a smile. “I simply cannot decide. I got an idea!”

He then took Lucille by the handle, pointing it at people as he moved around the line. He started with Rick. “Eenie.”

Maggie. “Meenie."

Abraham. “Miney.”

Michonne. “Mo.”

He continued. “Catch… a tiger… by… his toe… If… he hollers… let him go. My mother...told me… to pick... the very… best… one...and you… are…”

He didn’t continue, simply moving around the group of people all lined up. You felt tears suddenly run down your cheeks, blurring your vision as he lingered over Carl. You looked up to Negan, whose expression changed from cocky to boredom. He walked away, to the opposite side of the line.

“It.”

You looked over at Abraham, who appeared stoic.

“Anybody moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father, and then we’ll start. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry. Hell, you’re all going to be doing that.” He rose his bat into the air and suddenly brought it down with all his might. Everyone, including you, let out a scream of shock. You wanted to bury your face in Carl’s chest, but you simply gripped his hand, feeling your throat tighten. Abraham lifted himself up again, slowly but surely.

“Woah, woah! Takin’ it like a champ!” He swung his bat again.

_CRACK!_

“Damn!”

Screams.

_CRACK!_

Louder screams. Ringing in your ears.

_SQUELCH!_

The blows continued to land. You shut your eyes tightly, choking on your sobs. Abraham’s skull had been crushed to a pulp now. You squinted, seeing Eugene, Rosita, and Sasha all sobbing profusely. You felt nothing but remorse and relief all at once and both began to swirl together and mix. You felt like you were going to vomit. You felt Carl’s hand slip around yours, damp with sweat, and you suddenly wrapped your arms around him and cried.

After Negan had ‘finished,’ he glanced at the two of you, but didn’t say a word. He looked around the group of sobbing people. He slung Lucille around, chuckling like he hadn’t just killed a man.

“Oh my goodness!” Negan exclaimed, laughing it off. “Look at this!” He swung his bat, getting Abraham’s blood on Rick’s cheek. “You guys, look at my dirty girl.”

You shifted, looking at the mess that was once a man lying in the dirt, and back up at Negan. Although at this point in time, you were scared, you glared at him with the most hatred you could summon. You weren’t scared for your own life. Hell, you could be tortured and be alright with it. You were only concerned about _his._ Carl’s.

He swung his bat up to Rosita’s nose, telling her to look at it repeatedly. He acted as if he was rubbing in an achievement, like he had won an Olympic race, flaunting Lucille and dripping crimson gore on the ground. Rosita’s breath was shaking, but she looked down and away from Negan.

“Please… stop.” You finally spoke up, clearing your dry throat. Negan turned to you, his eyes narrowed.

“What was that?” He asked, leaning closer to you. He cupped his hand over his ear as if it was all just a joke.

“Negan, please, just end this. It’s over. You got what you wanted.”

“Y/N, what are you doing?” Whispered Carl and you shook him off.

“Well, look at this! The only one with actual balls here is the little girl!” Negan heartily chuckled, shoving Lucille onto the dirt and leaning against it. “Would you like to tell them, or do you want me?”

You didn’t speak, so Negan took his chance. “Carl already knows, of course, but Y/N here is the reason why we’re here!” Negan turned to the rest of the group. “When she left your little community, she came and found mine and attacked and killed some of my men. I let her stay, of course, and she agreed to work for me.”

People looked at you, suspicion burning in their gazes. You felt like the spotlight had been turned on, but it didn’t feel good at all.

“As long as you didn’t tell anyone about our pact-- but you did!” Negan sighed dramatically. “Just think, maybe all of you’d be breathing if it weren’t for her breaking her promise.”

“I’m sorry.” You sat straight, not allowing yourself to weep. Negan looked at you, raising his eyebrow.

“Sorry? That’s not gonna cut it.” He chuckled loudly. “You’re lucky I spared your boyfriend’s life.”

Daryl, who looked like he had been holding back something, finally launched himself at Negan. He swung his fist, punching him square in the jaw. The crowd gasped collectively and the Saviors piled on Daryl, pulling him back into the line. He struggled but was outnumbered by far. Daryl was pinned to the ground, and Rick shouted.

“Daryl!”

“NO!” Negan interrupted angrily, bubbling underneath the surface. “Oh, no. That? Oh, my! THAT is a no-no.” He said, kneeling down next to Daryl, looking at him venomously. “The whole thing-- not one bit of that shit flies here." Dwight sidled up to them as a Savior got off of Daryl, holding up a bow to Daryl’s head.

“Do you want me to do it? Right here.” Dwight asked Negan, breathing heavily. Negan must’ve had an idea because his eyes lit up when he looked down at Daryl.

“No, no, you don’t kill them… not until you try a little.”

Daryl, pulled farther back, grunted the entire time. You held back tears in your eyes, but sometimes you felt them overflow onto your cheeks.

“Anyway, that’s not how it works. Now, I’ve already told you, people, first one’s free-- what’d I say? I said I would SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. No exceptions. Now, I don’t know what kinda lyin’ assholes you’ve been dealing with but I’m a man of my word. First impressions are important.”

You felt your feet twitch. Why did this all feel so familiar? You felt like you knew what was going to happen, something bad. You looked at Carl, then at Negan. Surely, Negan wouldn’t dare. You saw Negan edging toward Glenn and it all snapped, all made sense.

“I need you to know me.” Negan flashed his pearly white teeth. “So,” he held up his bat. You could see him scan the crowd of exhausted people, but you knew exactly what was going to happen. You let out a scream, pushing your feet off of the ground. You raced over to him in what seemed like the blink of an eye and held out your arm. Negan’s bat made contact with your bare skin on your left arm. You let out a guttural scream of agony, feeling searing pain shoot up and ache immediately. You dropped to the ground, right next to Glenn, who had stumbled back a little.

Negan, who had no intention of hurting a young girl, looked taken aback. None of the Saviors moved and you could hear Carl’s sobs from the other side of the clearing. You felt your arm gush with blood, spilling onto the dirt around you. You slowly sat up, looking to Negan. His eyes grew wide and he took a couple steps back.

“I…” Negan began, but he was at a loss for words. You cradled your arm, the world around you growing black from the pain. You gasped for air, shaking.

What Negan saw that cost him his words was the way you looked at him. You didn’t look at him with fear or pain, but determination. When your E/C eyes looked at him, something flashed for him and blinked on like a light in the back of his mind. Something that he had repressed was trying to emerge, and your expression was the trigger.

_”Shut up, you big oaf.”_

_“Whaddya mean, big oaf?” Negan laughed, leaning over the hospital bed. “I’m just saying, a wig wouldn’t be a bad investment.”_

_“Well, I’m sayin’ that I think bald is just fine!” The woman’s voice sounded weak. Her eyes were red and teary, but she didn’t dare let any tears escape. Her lip may have been quivering a little, and her face was already damp from earlier in the day, but she still looked as strong as ever. And Negan noted, as he looked at his dying wife, the way her eyes didn’t show fear or pain, but determination._

_And he held that image close._

Negan swallowed heavily, turning to Rick. He grabbed his collar, dragging him into the RV. Before he left, he looked to Simon.

“Let ‘em do whatever, no weapons.” He spoke quietly before slamming the door behind himself. Simon agreed reluctantly and with annoyance, watched as Carl scrambled over to you, nearly choking himself to death with all the crying he’s been sobbing over.

“Y/N, please listen to me.” He whispered. “Can you hear me? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.” You nodded and Carl looked at your arm. Luckily, it didn’t look broken, but your entire arm had exploded into bruises and deep incisions from the barbed wire on Negan’s bat. Carl tore his flannel, quickly wrapping it around your arm. You gasped at the stinging sensation, but he quietly shushed you and rocked you in his arms. Maggie and Glenn then circled around you.

“Y/N…” Maggie cried. “You… you saved Glenn.”

“Maggie, don’t cry.” Glenn wrapped his arm around her.

“Yeah, it’s bad for the baby if you stress yourself.” You said, biting your lip. “Take deep breaths, okay? We’re going to get you to that doctor.”

“No, no, you need to see him first--”

“Maggie, please, I’m not going to die. I care about that baby more than anything right now.” You sighed, hugging her. Some of the others didn’t move, but Eugene grew closer, and Sasha did too.

The RV roared into life and rolled away. You watched it leave and you felt the torn flannel around your arm dampen quickly. You were losing blood quickly, and you had no idea how long this was going to take. Your eyes began to grow heavy and you swayed side to side, just wanting to sleep.

“Y/N, don’t go to sleep.” Carl begged, pulling you close to his face. “Look at me, keep your eyes open.”

“Oh, it hurts so bad.” You whined, clutching at your wrist and digging your nails into it, hoping it would distract you from the immense pain that lapped through the nerves in your arm. Carl noticed this and took your hand away from your wrist, holding it and lacing your fingers.

“Stay awake!” He demanded, raising his voice.

“I love you, Carl.”

“No, no, no…” He mumbled, tears streaking down his cheeks.

“Shut up, you big crybaby. I’m just… going to pass out, that’s it.” You sighed, your breath hot against his skin.

“You can’t.” He said softly. “I’m so sorry… I was so mean today, I should’ve been nicer. I had no idea. I just-- I love you, Y/N. Please, stay awake.”

“Carl, I swear to fucking God if you don’t let me go to sleep, I will actually scream.” You joked, but he didn’t laugh, his lips didn’t even threaten to twitch into a smile.

“She’s going to pass out from the pain.” Glenn whispered, his voice panicked. “But that’s it, okay? Don’t worry about her.”

You tilted your head back, exhaling through your nostrils as you shut your eyes quickly. You were fading fast from the immense pain. The last things you heard was Carl bitching about you going to sleep. God damn, if that boy doesn’t put a plug in it--

* * *

You woke up, cold. You didn’t know where you were until you saw the ever so blue sky and the light of day shining on your face. Actually, the sun hadn’t risen above the trees yet, so it was still hazy morning. You heard Rick grunt as he was thrown to the ground and Negan’s strong voice. It rang loudly, but you couldn’t hear words just yet. You blinked a couple of times and felt a blanket laid across you as Carl held your head in his lap. He was too busy staring at his father to notice you were awake.

“--Speak when you’re spoken to.” Negan sighed in agitation.

“Okay, okay.” Rick stammered.

“That trip was about the way you looked at me. I wanted to change that, I wanted you to understand. But you’re still lookin’ at me the same damn way. Like I shit in your scrambled eggs, and that’s not gonna work.” Negan kneeled down beside Rick, looking at him blankly. “So, do I give you another chance?”

“Yeah-- yes. Yes.” Rick breathed out raggedly, looking as tattered as ever.

“Alright. Okay. And here it is-- the grand-prize game. What you do next will decide whether your crap day becomes everyone’s _last_ crap day or just another crap day.” He looked around the crowd, smiling, but saw you stirring and blinking your eyes. “Aw, shit,” He muttered under his breath.

“Carl?” You asked, and he glanced down at you so quickly, you could’ve sworn he was, like, a robot or something.

“Oh my God, you’re okay.” He shuddered, hugging your head close. Negan watched the scene unfold slowly. “I’m so happy.” He pressed multiple kisses to your face.

“Okay, okay.” Negan pointed at the two of you with Lucille. “None of that gooey shit.”

He turned to Rick, glaring at him. “I’ll let you off. But you better haul ass to a doctor, or someone else’s gonna die. And, about the look you’re givin’ me-- it _will_ change next time.”

“Ah, Dwight!” Negan said cheerfully, sitting up. “Load him up.” He pointed to Daryl. Daryl kicked and shoved, but was roughly transported to the vehicle and thrown in like a piece of garbage. You watched and took your time to sit up, your arm still aching like a bitch. Negan walked up to you, confidence written on his face.

“Y/N, you know, that was the first time I let someone off pulling shit like that. Don’t do it again.” He smiled as he whispered directly into your ear. “But, I already know you’re a fighter, so you’re just going to anyways. I look forward to it.”

He turned around and walked away. “I’ll leave you a truck. We’ll come back for our offering in one week. Until then, ta-ta.”

You saw Saviors pack up into cars and leave, you saw Negan disappear, and you saw Abraham’s body lying on the dirt and you felt a wave of sadness wash over all of you. Rosita looked distant and Sasha was shaking, Carl was holding you in his arms, Rick was drenched with sweat and blood, Maggie and Glenn held each other lovingly, Eugene broke down sobbing, and Aaron and Michonne looked defeated.

Everyone was in bad shape.

When they all drove away, you looked at Carl. He pressed his nose into your neck, breathing in.

“I’m never going to let you go.” He whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OUHHH I absolutely love the idea of Glenn being alive because the reader protected him. It just goes to show that the reader is gonna develop into a whole new person and it's gonna be great! I'm so hyped!


	27. Chapter 26

You had fallen back asleep by now, but it was hardly noticeable to you anymore. When you woke up, you were in a plush bed that you couldn’t say was your own. You slowly sat up, looking around the clean room, and finally noticed a bandage wrapped around your arm.

_We must be at Hilltop, then?_ You thought quietly to yourself, carefully maneuvering to the edge of the bed and allowing the sudden vertigo to fade until you stood up on your feet. The door clicked and opened, exposing Dr. Carson.

“Oh, you’re up.” He said plainly. “Well, that’s good. How are you feeling?”

“Where’s Carl?” You asked.

“He’s sleeping. You’ve been out all day long, heard you took a hard blow.”

“How’s Maggie?”

“Maggie will be alright, she was just having early pains. The baby is okay.”

You sighed relief and slumped your shoulders. You just noticed this, but the entire room was dark except for a dim lamp on your nightstand that illuminated the room in soft, fuzzy, long shadows. “Anyways, how are you feeling? I came to check you because you had a fever earlier, but it’s run down significantly.”

“Just a little dizzy, that’s all.”

“Some people are waiting to see you, mind if I let them in?”

“Go ‘head.” You said, sitting back down steadily, facing the door. Dr. Carson left the room for a minute or two and returned with two people, Maggie and Glenn. You smiled once you saw them arrive together.

“Y/N!” Glenn said happily, his eyes shining brightly. “I’m so glad you’re alright.”

“It was just a bat wound.”

“Right, but you almost got an infection from all the dust and dirt. It was awful.” Maggie sighed, her country accent laid on thickly. “Anyways, we wanted to thank you for what you did today. If you hadn’t jumped in front of Negan, Glenn would be—“

“—Dead.” He interrupted, taking your hands. You pulled them away quickly.

“I’m sorry, I can’t… forgive myself. Abraham died because of me.”

“Abraham died because of Negan.” Maggie corrected.

“How can you not be mad at me? I went behind everyone’s backs and joined Negan’s side. I made a deal with him and now everyone except for Rosita and Sasha is gushing over me like I’m some kind of hero.” You looked away from them. “I told Carl about my deal with Negan, and Negan must’ve found out.”

“But he didn’t threaten you or Carl once.” Glenn sat down slowly on your side, Maggie on your other. “Despite the two of you being the cause of this, he didn’t even consider hurting you.”

“You don’t know that. He’s a monster.” You sighed. “I’m feeling tired, I’m going to lay back down.”

“Alright.” Maggie stood up, taking her husband’s hand and leading him out of the room before you all bade your goodnights. Dr. Carson had left, you assumed, so you laid back down on your bed and stared at the ceiling in the muted light filtered through the stained glass on the lamp. The colors danced on the ceiling and finally dissipated into the air once you turned off the light.

Truth was, you couldn’t sleep for two hours until you finally hit the hay out of exhaustion. And those two hours, you spent thinking about the world.

* * *

When it was morning, you could hear birds tweeting outside. It was your average comforting sound, alongside the crickets and grasshoppers making their usual racket. You woke up to a gentle hand lying atop yours and as you opened your eyes, you could see a sharp blue gaze staring at you lovingly.

“Good morning, Y/N,” Carl whispered, rubbing his thumb across the tops of your knuckles. “How did you sleep?”

“Terribly.” You joked, to which he laughed at. Nestled by your side, he helped you sit up and get used to it before he took your hands and led you out of the bed. You recalled back to when he had his accident with his eye and you took months trying to help him. ‘If it weren’t for you,’ he had told you once, ‘I’d never have made it.’ At this time, you could hear his voice ever so clearly making vivid remarks in your head.

“Come on, you gotta feel cooped up in here, let’s get you outside.”

“I don’t know…” You pretended to ponder out loud, but you really didn’t want to face everyone else that you had betrayed.

“Oh, c’mon! It’s a warm day, perfect for going on a walk, which is what you need right now.”

“Carl…” You began, but he cut you off by pushing the door open roughly and walking out into the community. You hardly saw anyone milling about since it was still in the early morning. “Where’s everyone?” You asked him. He shrugged softly, sticking his right hand in his pocket as his left hand held yours.

“Everyone from Alexandria left to go back home.”

“Huh? Why aren’t you with them?” You panicked, frowning.

“Because, Y/N, I want to be with _you_! Nobody else in this world can get me to wake up that early, anyway.”

You were supposed to laugh, but you didn’t. Usually, Carl would’ve caught on by now, but you were silent and shrinking into yourself every minute after the other. In a serene area, you stopped him, holding his hand and tugging back on it as he walked ahead a bit. He turned around to face you, blinking multiple times innocently. As the trees wavered above your head, you could feel the cool breeze on your neck.

“Why is everyone so forgiving?”

“What do you mean?”

“Maggie and Glenn… they just seemed to look past what I did.”

“Yeah, you saved his life. He’s thankful for that.”

“But I betrayed them all! Aren’t they mad at me?”

“Well, Rosita and Sasha--”

“I _know_ Rosita and Sasha _are_! I’m asking about the others.”

“No, not really. I guess dad’s a little upset, but he’s happy that you’re okay. I explained it in detail to him that you had no other choice.” The side of Carl’s mouth twitched up in a small smile, which made your heart thump loudly. You loved that smile.

“Carl, I just… feel like I let them all down. Abraham, especially. I can’t ever forgive myself for that.”

“But, does it matter if you forgive yourself?” Carl asked you, stepping closer. You blinked with surprise at his question and was about to answer until he did for you. “It only matters if other people forgive you for what you did. And they have. You may never be able to come to terms with yourself, but as long as other people can, it’s all that really matters.”

“But the guilt.” You breathed, your voice incredibly small.

“I know, it’s so much pain to bear on your shoulders. If you can’t forgive yourself, don’t allow it to consume you. Believe me, I’ve done some things I’m not especially proud of.”

“Like what?”

“When I was around thirteen, I was traveling with a big group of people. This was when I met Maggie and her family on her farm. We happened there because we were looking for Sophia-- Carol’s daughter-- and I had gotten shot.”

“You got shot?” You asked in shock. “God, what kind of bad luck do you have?”

He laughed, which lightened your mood. He sunk down on a bench, pulling you to sit beside him. “Well, I recovered quickly. After that, I saw that the group was so weakened by everything that _I_ did, so I tried to grow up faster than I needed to. I went out into the woods and pointed my gun at a walker, but I didn’t kill it. Later, the same walker had killed a member of our group, Dale.”

“Oh, Carl… but you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“Y/N, that’s what I’m telling _you_. I never forgave myself for doing that, even though I couldn’t control the situation and had no idea what was going to happen. The guilt consumes you and tears you up on the inside. All that you have to do is forget.”

“But you haven’t forgotten, otherwise you wouldn’t be telling me this now.”

“I’ve forgotten that feeling of guilt. It’s been so long now that it’s faded.” He leaned back, taking off his hat and placing it on his lap.

“When did you become so mature?” You smiled. “I remember when you were a snot-nosed little kid running around and making mud pies on the playground.”

“And I remember when you were too shy to talk to anyone, so you played dolls by yourself.”

“Hey!” You laughed, punching his arm lightly. “I had a lot of fun, thank you. Until you came along and destroyed my favorite doll.”

“We were, like, six.”

“I still remember that, you shit!” You wrapped your arms around him, holding him still. “If only I knew what a man you’d grow up to be.”

“Well, you definitely look like you’re happy.” He pulled you close, kissing your cheek. You stayed silent, allowing him to kiss you softly and he finally looked at you, frowning. He was waiting for a response.

“No, Carl…” You sat back, staring off in the distance. “I’m terrified.”

* * *

It was a week. You had been back at Alexandria for quite some time now, but your injury was beginning to scab over. You knew it would cause scarring. You had begun to think of the idea of your wedding, moving into a new house with Carl, and starting a life. Starting a family. Though, both of you have agreed to wait until you wanted a baby. At least until you both were in your 20’s with stable walls and no wars going on.

That is if you both survived until then.

“Gabriel!” You called out, racing after him. He stopped in his tracks, turning to you with a faint smile.

“Good morning, Y/N.”

“Hi, uh, quick request.” You said, sporting the ring on your finger. “Could you marry me and Carl?”

“Marry you? I… uh… have never…”

“Oh, you’ve never done that before.” You sighed. “I just figured having a church wedding would be nice, while we have a church.”

“It would be. I can find a sermon to read. When do you want the wedding?”

“Well, I have no clue… I’m not in a rush or anything, but I think I want it to be soon.”

“Have you talked about it with Carl?”

“Well, not really. Ever since he proposed, I’ve been sort of… in the dark about things.”

“I see.” Gabriel hums. “Well, get the groom and we’ll all talk about it together. Oh, and congratulations. It’s amazing how people can find love in today’s world.”

You watched him wave to you and walk away. Standing there, you thought about what he said and agreed inaudibly, looking at your feet. Then, you heard the rumbling of trucks and cars outside the walls. Nobody’s left, have they? What was going on? You raced to the front gate as it opened, revealing Negan.

“Oh, look at this!” He smiled in awe, holding a now clean Lucille. “Alexandria, huh? Looks nice, Rick.” He said to him. Rick didn’t reply. You stormed up angrily.

“Why are you here?”

“Y/N! Looks like you recovered fast.”

“Yeah.” You bluntly shot him down, your fingers curling into fists.

“Well, I’m here for our deal! You know, the one where you give me all your shit?”

You glared at him and didn’t dare say a word. You knew that you were the only person who could stand up to him, which he found to be sad. You, also, were the only one _allowed_ to stand up to him. If it had been Rick or anyone else, Negan would’ve, how does he say it, _shut that shit down._ Negan’s eyes wandered across your expression then down to your injured arm, picking it up with a rough grip. You wanted to tug away, but you allowed him to do whatever he needed.

“Does it hurt?”

“Not anymore.”

“That’s good.”

“Stop acting like you care.” You huffed angrily. Negan rounded you, towering above you with nothing but a grin wiped across his face.

“I do.” He whispered, still looking at your arm. Suddenly, he gripped your wrist, pulling your hand up to his eye level. You had forgotten you were wearing the ring. Finally, you tugged away and hid your hand. This was your first time wearing the ring in public, but you hadn’t predicted anyone noticing it. “Well, look at that. Looks like there’s two people with balls in Alexandria.” He then held up your hand, smiling. “You’re gettin’ married! Am I invited to the wedding?”

You managed to free your hand, putting it in your pocket quickly and looking at the group of people. Carl burned as red as a tomato in the crowd. Rick looked back and forth between the two of you.

“Like hell you are.” You scowled, taking a couple steps away from him. “Friends and family only.”

“That’s not how you treat a guest!” Negan heartily laughed, barging his way in. The trucks began to pour into the walls and you felt a small trickle of dread in the bottom of your stomach. Rick motioned to the other Alexandrians and they began to cart out crates and bins of different things. Most of it was food and weaponry. You turned to Rick, who looked distant.

“What’re you doing?” You asked.

“We give him our stuff or we die.” He spoke in a rough but soft voice. You looked away dejectedly, knowing he was right. So, you watched as Negan’s men loaded all the bins on their trucks and began to congregate once the job was all finished. You watched silently, knowing this was the start of an all-out war. There was something that just told you those exact words, luring you on to believe that Negan’s shimmering brown eyes would lose their luster behind bars eventually.

But, for now, all you could see was him stop in front of you and Rick, all ready and packed up to go.

“It’s impressive what you managed to scrounge in only a week, Rick.” Negan shone his famous smile, one that ticked you off even more. “But, it did lack.”

“We did what we could.” You stepped in, knowing you could handle it. “With the time we were given, that is.”

“Are you saying you need more time?”

“If you want more, then yes, I am.”

“How about every other week? Hilltop is already supplying enough for the two of you, anyways.”

You wanted to ask him why you had to do it if that was the case. You saw a flash of concern across Rick’s expression and you nodded very shortly to him.

“Fine. We’ll have your stuff every other week.”

“Good, I love cooperation.” Negan smiled hesitantly and turned on his heel, walking away. You didn’t stay to watch him climb into his vehicle and haul ass out of Alexandria, you were too busy marching away from the scene very angrily.


	28. Chapter 27

“I’m sick and tired of just standing around, waiting for him to strike first!”

“Calm down, Y/N!” Carl shouted, taking you by the hands and pulling you to sit on the edge of your bed. You were erratic with anger, practically shaking. “What has gotten into you?”

For the past week, you’ve been nothing but upset and irrational. Ever since Rick caved in and gave Negan what he wants, you’ve been acting out against a lot of people you never intended on hurting. When Carl finally got wind of this, he confronted you in your bedroom around noon. Downhill is only where this could lead to.

“Negan has!” You gripped your hands into fists. You were beginning to grow overwhelmed with things, how the world was changing and slowly turning on you. You felt cooped up behind these walls and you felt as if you were just awaiting your death, all under Negan’s palms. When you began to overthink, you jumped at every little touch.

“I’m just so… we can’t stand around waiting like fucking idiots!” You shouted, digging the knuckles of your thumbs against your eyelids in attempt to de-stress yourself, but you were only making things worse.

“We’re not. Dad’s trying his best to figure out what to do.” Carl stood up, taking your wrists and pulling your arms down by your sides. “Besides, we’re kind of stuck in this situation. There’s nothing else we can do.”

“Shut up, shut up!” You began to shake, freeing from his grasp. You walked away, turning your back to him.

Negan was going to kill you and Carl, you were so sure of it. If you weren’t stuck behind these walls, you could get out. You could be free. Carl didn’t want to leave, though, so you were trapped. You wanted to be with him, but you couldn’t bring yourself to continually love him if you’d potentially lose him. You would go through too much grief. A sea of emotions crashed into you.

You were having a panic attack. Your breathing began to grow delayed and you felt your head ache. You wiped at it, cradling it in pain.

“Y/N? Please, calm down.”

You didn’t reply, you couldn’t even hear him. All you heard was your own blood rushing in your eardrums like two loud rivers. You couldn’t detect him or where he was at, but you suddenly felt his hand on your shoulder and this jostled you back into the present time. But, you had been startled out of a bad panic attack, so your only response was to whirl on your heel and fight.

You managed to place both of your hands on his chest and firmly push him back. All at once, you immediately realized it was him and not an enemy before you gasped and reached out for him. He slammed against the nightstand and fell to the floor, crying out in pain.

Standing there, you watched how he flinched at the spike of pain shooting up his spine. You watched his eye squint tightly shut and you watched him curl into a defensive ball. And all you did was stand there and watch. Your hands cupped over your mouth in shock.

“Carl? I didn’t—“

“Y/N, just GO!” He looked up at you through his hair and you immediately ran out of the room. Why did you push him down like that? You must’ve been really lost in your attack that you forgotten where you were at. It was just natural, but all you felt was immense grief and pity for yourself.

You tried to suck it up, but the tears streamed down your cheeks relentlessly and caused you to quicken your pace. You ran and ran. Finding a quiet place behind one of the buildings, you sunk to the grass and sobbed.

Everything was falling apart and you couldn’t control it.

That night, you began to pack. You needed out of Alexandria and you needed it now. You packed lightly, knowing you wouldn’t be gone for long. While you were packing, Carl stood watch outside the front gate, so you knew you couldn’t leave that way. Of course, you didn’t plan to even if he wasn’t.

You had gathered only a couple of pairs of clothes and then you set off. Sneaking out the back door, you climbed limberly over the wall and came to a rolling land. When you landed outside the walls, you quickly began off into the woods and left no trace nor hint of where you had disappeared to.

* * *

He didn’t mean to, but Carl left the wall unguarded for only a little bit. He had gotten stuck keeping watch at the front gate because someone asked him to take over and that they’d be back in only five minutes. Caving in, Carl nodded, knowing he needed some fresh air over what happened today.

The first minute he was there, he thought about what happened earlier today with you.

The second minute he was there, he thought about how much he loves you.

The third minute he was there, he thought about what he could do to fix this mess.

The fourth minute he was there, he thought about the consequences of that backfiring.

The fifth minute he was there, he thought if this person was going to come back or not.

The sixth minute he was there, he thought about how he was getting restless.

The seventh minute, he was gone. He left the tower and jogged back home, knowing he had to fix this situation between the two of you even if it cost the entire community. Hopefully that person would be back soon and hopefully they wouldn’t tell on him to his dad.

He reached the house, but he didn’t barge in. Instead, he carefully trotted across the yard and gently shut the front door behind him once he walked in. He didn’t hear any noises and thought you were out, but then heard you stomp down the stairs as usual. He leapt behind a piece of furniture nearby, not entirely sure if it would hide him. He peered over the top, watching you scan the room and jog to the back door. He made sure you left before he got out from his hiding place.

“Where the hell..?” He asked himself, cautiously following your footsteps and making his way to the back door. He glanced out the window and saw you attempting to climb over the wall. “No way.” He sighed, almost angrily, but calmed himself before he whirled and ran upstairs. He reached for his backpack, messily shoving clothes inside and not taking the time to consider what he was grabbing. He took his brush, five pairs of shirts and two pants, three socks, and some bandages and medicine for his eye. Then, he set off right on after you.

It took him awhile longer but he scaled the wall and finally dropped off on the other side. Immediately, a walker spotted him a couple yards away and began to lumber after him. He took his knife from his belt and edged the walker uneasily. The walker had fresh blood caked around its mouth, but surely that couldn’t mean… no.

Carl, with much more anger at imagining you being bit, launched himself off the ground and at the walker. He tussled dominance with it and finally pinned it against the leaves before he quickly shoved his knife into its skull. Falling limp, he quickly got up off of it.

He had to find you quickly.

Racing through the woods, he strapped his backpack tightly on his shoulders as he kept his sprinting pace. He messily put his knife back into his pocket as he tried to trail on after you, but the moon was new and hardly cast any light onto the earth ahead of him. He didn’t think to pack a flashlight.

“Sh-Shit!” He gasped as he tumbled to his knees as a result of tripping over an overgrown root. He had no idea what to do or where to go, he just knew he had to keep up with you or he’d lose you.

All the time, you’d say to him that you’d protect him. Yet, when it finally came to be the time where you needed his protection more than anything, you disappeared into the woods. He hated being so vulnerable like this, but he knew he couldn’t just give up; he loves you, he’s never going to give up.

So, rising to his feet, he continued forward, hoping you didn’t take any twists or turns.

* * *

You had a flashlight, but you figured using it at this point in time wasn’t a good idea. It could potentially attract walkers and allow them to sneak up on you from areas that aren't illuminated. So, you continued in a straight line, only walking casually. The crickets played their loud symphonies in your ears and blared as you stepped through the tall grass. You could feel them crawling on your jeans, but bugs were the last thing on your mind right now.

Of course, it started to rain. Luckily, the rain washed out your scent and made it more difficult for walkers to find you. You had kept on walking until daylight, then you stopped for the morning to take a break along a riverbank. You sighed and wiped the beads of sweat on your forehead, leaning on your backpack as you sheltered under a tree from the unrelenting rain.

You took the time to write an entry.

_Fall, Year 6_

_It hasn’t been long since my last entry. At this point, I don’t know why I’m even bothering to write these. They’re too personal for others to read and yet, they face the same struggle that everyone else has. The only concern we all think about: surviving._

_I fought with Carl. I pushed him into my nightstand and hurt him and I can’t forgive myself. To do something like that to the man I’ve promised protection and love is something unforgivable. I don’t expect him to forgive me, either. I’m not going to beg. If this becomes a pattern, I’ll leave Alexandria for good._

_Right now, I’m sitting under a tree in a rainstorm. I’m outside the walls wondering when and if I should return, and I’m running away to clear my mind. If I can’t treat others properly, then I need a break._

_From Negan, from Carl, from Alexandria… it’s all getting to be so much._

_Something tells me that it won’t get any better._

You paused. You heard rustling, and it wasn’t the wind. You could tell types of rustling apart with ease, and this was definitely not the wind. Alert, you pushed your back against a tree. Glancing around, you couldn’t see anything, but you could feel an odd sensation of being watched.

So, you did the only reasonable thing. You began to walk, taking all of your things and hurrying off into the woods. You didn’t want to run, you were too tired but it didn’t seem like a walker. If it was one, it would’ve come snarling out the bushes and try to attack you. Whatever it was could just be a curious animal.

 _Or person._ You interrupted your own thoughts. The latter made you uncomfortable, so you insisted it was an animal.

Noon, a full twenty-four hours had passed since you and Carl argued. You sighed audibly, sweating intensely. All you done is walk, but you ended up in a small town. It was probably already looted so you took your time strolling through the streets, soaking cold due to the rain. Thunder sounded all around you but you didn’t budge, your old fear of thunder slipping away.

You stopped at a house, knocking before you walked in. There were no walkers inside, surprisingly, so you explored it.

That’s when you heard a voice.

* * *

Carl had been walking in the same direction all night, his legs screaming out in pain as the sun rose. He had a better chance at seeing now, but he still didn’t know where to go. That was until he noticed footprints in the mud. Just as he noticed it, he felt large droplets fall onto his clothes and from the sky, rain poured. He didn’t mind as much, but he had to follow the footprints. It might have a clue where you disappeared to.

He quickly followed the trail of fading footprints. They were made from large boots and as Carl knew, your favorite pair of shoes were your steel-toed boots. So, a spark of hopefulness had been ignited in him. Unfortunately, though, the rain was washing away the prints and made it even more difficult for him to follow them. Eventually, they disappeared as the mud thickened from the rain. Thunder sounded behind him as he trotted along the faded path.

“Y/N… why did you have to leave _now_?” He muttered under his breath in annoyance. Not that he was mad at you specifically, just not in the mood to be rained on.

With a surge of adrenaline, he pushed himself to run through the forest in hopes of finding you before the storm worsened. He had walked all night and all morning and his legs were on the verge of collapsing out of soreness but he kept on a straight path. He was growing concerned as he thought about you.

_What if she’s scared and all by herself? Alone and afraid… or she’s bitten and hiding… or… she’s already dead… no, I can’t think like that! I have to keep looking for her, no matter what!_

His boot slipped against the slick mud and he fell down, tumbling off of an edge into a freezing river. It was low, so he didn’t sink under, but instead had twisted his ankle and was growing numb from how cold he was getting. He climbed out of the river, coughing quietly under the loud hiss of the rain.

“Dammit.” He whispered, standing to his feet and swaying side to side. He steadied himself on a tree and rounded it, shuffling his feet against the mud. Adding to the pouring rain, he was now drenched head to toe in freezing water and cold mud.

Suddenly, he froze. He saw a figure far off on the bank of the river, nestled against a tree and writing. Relief flooded into Carl’s mind and he exhaled all of the pent-up worries about you.

“Thank God, you’re okay…” he said to himself, carefully walking through the thick underbrush toward you. He didn’t want to immediately approach you, he was afraid you’d run away. So instead, he carefully walked through bushes and plants to get closer to you. But he had stepped on a twig and it snapped, which startled him. He whipped around, alertedly glancing around. Carl has caused the bush to rustle loudly and he looked back to you, afraid you had heard it.

Unfortunately, you did. You had shut your book now and kept eyeing around in suspicion. Suddenly, you got up and briskly walked off.

“Great work, Carl.” He sighed to himself, trying to walk after you but still staying low.

* * *

“Hello..?”

You whipped around to face a bedroom door that had slowly creaked open. You saw a dirty face appear in the small slit of the doorway.

“Hi.” You sharply inhaled, your hand on your knife.

“Who are you?” Asked the girl. She was just a bit younger than you and had long matted dark hair. You could hardly see her skin color underneath the dust, dirt, and old browned blood that coated it. Not that it mattered. She carefully swung the door open to expose herself, in many layers of tattered clothing.

“I’m… Y/N. Who are you? What are you doing in this house?”

“I’m… hiding from the monsters.” She said, her voice croaking. “Dad went out a couple days ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” You blinked, uncomfortable. What could you say in a situation like this?

“Do you have any food? I’m so hungry.” She whimpered, changing the subject.

“Sure. It’s in my bag, let me get it.” You didn’t hesitate, feeling bad for her. So, you leaned down and took it off of your shoulders, zipping it open and shifting stuff around in it and looking for food.

All at once, you felt yourself get flung back into the floorboards. The girl pinned you against it and had taken your knife into her hands. She threatened to bring it down on your chest, above your heart, but you grasped her fists and tried with all of your energy to push her back.

“I’m sorry.” She cried aloud. “I’m just so hungry.”

“Wait! I have food! I have food!” You repeated under her, struggling as her weight began to take a toll on you. The knife drew closer.

“You _are_ food.” The girl said. “I’m so sorry about this, you’re really pretty. And you have a wedding ring on, too. I hope your husband will be okay.”

You couldn’t say anything as you focused all of your strength into attempting to hold her back. What would you do? You felt frustrated tears roll down your cheeks and the knife began to trace your skin.

You could feel her shift her weight first and you knew she was about to deliver her killing blow, so you kicked your legs up. She was jostled forward in a rough manner and you screamed in pain as the knife right above your heart in your shoulder. You heard loud footsteps echo in your head and you had hoped only one thing.

_Don’t let it be her dad._

You couldn’t look over far enough, but you saw the familiar hat and the focused face. Carl examined the situation and, in a flurry of rage, drew his gun and pointed it at the girl’s head. She looked over at him in a split second before he pulled the trigger. She flew back, landing still on the floor next to you. The knife had been pulled out of your shoulder and caused a world of pain to grow across your body.

“Y/N, oh my God, Y/N…” He managed to draw out, kneeling down beside you. He pulled you to sit up, caressing your cheek.

“Fuck! Fuck! It hurts!” You writhed.

“I know it does, I know, it’s okay. I’m here now.”

“Carl!” You cried, grabbing his hands with your own sweaty ones. “Please make it stop.”

“Did she hit anything?”

“Fuck, I don’t know!”

“Well, you’re still alive. She stabbed you above the heart, you’ll be okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

Then, you blacked out.

You woke up only ten minutes later, lying on a bed. The house around you looked unfamiliar and you figured that Carl had moved houses. This one had cabin-styled floors and architecture. The plush bed you lied on was comfortable and had multiple blankets that smelled like they had been stuffed in a cedar chest for years. You saw Carl rush into the room with a wet rag, his belt, and some bandages. He saw your open eyes flutter over toward him and he dropped down to his knees beside the bed.

“Y/N?”

“Hi.” You simply groaned, looking around and taking in more of your surroundings. The pain in your shoulder was ebbing away due to your mind blocking it out.

“Can you sit up?” He asked softly. You nodded and pushed yourself against the headboard. He leaned up, sitting on the blankets next to you. “And take off your shirt?”

“Help.” You replied once you had wriggled your good arm out of its sleeve. He laid his things down before he reached out, tugging your shirt over your head and gently unraveling it from around your wounded arm.

If you weren’t in a world of pain right now, you’d feel the butterflies in your stomach. But you didn’t. You couldn’t care any less. Carl’s thumb snaked under the left strap of your bra and he gently tugged it to fall down against your arm, then he began to examine the wound closely. You watched him pat the wet rag on your wound, cleaning up the blood that had stained your torso. The rag raced across the mounds on your chest and on your collarbone, but you stared out the window with a small despairing feeling.

“Talk to me, sweet girl.” Carl cooed in his deep voice. Your eyes glanced over at him and you sighed, caving in. You hated it when he used that voice on you, it always made you swoon.

“What is there to talk about?”

“Us. You know that. What’s going on with you?”

“Please… I don’t want to repeat what happened yesterday.”

“It won’t happen, but you have to promise me that you’re going to tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m… scared.”

“We all are, Y/N.” He sighed, leaning back. The blood flow of your wound had slowed definitely so he didn’t need to use it. He took the bandages and cautiously wrapped them under your armpit and around your shoulder. “What I don’t understand is what you’re thinking. You ran away with no word, I had to follow you. I thought you were dead.”

“I know, I know.”

“Then, why did you do it?”

“I just needed to get away. All this stuff that’s happening is scaring me, Carl. It makes me think I’m going to lose you.”

“You didn’t lose me when the Wolves ambushed Alexandria. You didn’t lose me when Ron tried to kill me-- multiple times-- you’re not going to lose me.”

“How can we be sure of that? I always say that I’m going to protect you and I literally hurt you yesterday. I can’t trust myself anymore around you.”

“Stop saying stupid shit.” Carl scolded you, pulling a blanket up and covering you with it to keep you warm. “So, you were overwhelmed. That’s all. You didn’t hurt me on purpose, we both know that, so why do you have to act like you’re some sort of monster? You’re not, Y/N.”

You were silent as you listened to him ramble on. “I fell in love with you because you’re so strong. Yeah, you always say you’re going to protect me, and it sucks because I feel like it should be _my_ job protecting _you_. You always save me and you’re always there.”

You smiled, feeling a little bit better. You reached out and placed your palm over the top of his knuckles that rested on the bed. “You saved me this time, though.”

Carl didn’t respond, he only smiled knowingly. He had to acknowledge that he had saved you rather heroically this time. His fingers traced over yours but you didn’t seem to notice as you continued to talk.

“That girl… she called you my husband.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm…” You nodded. “It felt so right.”

“We are engaged to be married, remember? It won’t be long, okay?”

“Yeah…” You felt him nuzzle your face, pressing his forehead against your own. “So, you’re not mad at me?”

“Just a little. But only because you ran away and made me chase you down.”

You laughed. Carl pulled you into his arms, hugging you and petting your hair. You always cherished the times where you were able to relax in your lover’s arms, but something about this hug told you that you shouldn’t take them for granted anymore. The way Carl held you in place had said everything; he was scared, too. And although you wanted to protect him and vice versa, you couldn’t stop the constant fear from sinking in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This is my longest fanfic yet and I'm sitting here wondering how long you guys would PREFER it to be? It, of course, has to stop somewhere and I'm not sure. I've planned on not killing off Carl so we'll be able to reach the time jump that's canon in the show, but I also just don't know when or where to stop.**
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> **So, please let me know what you think! How long of a fanfic would you like to read? What would you like to see more of, fluff, smut, or angst? Maybe a mixture of all that? I really need to know what you guys think since you're the readers here.**
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> **And, thank you all so much for the constant support! I absolutely love how much attention I get for this fanfic. Stay tuned!**


	29. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly thought I had posted this already

_You had in mind the dead as well as the living._

A week passed. You and Carl had, of course, gotten back to Alexandria all in one piece and gotten a stern talking from Rick. Rick also demanded to know about this whole wedding business and seemed wary of the situation. He didn’t seem to agree with it, but he was approving of it. Although, he managed to separate the two of you and gave you two different jobs to avoid having you two sneak off again.

So, until today, you hadn’t really gotten a chance to get Carl alone. He was either asleep, busy with others, or out scouting for Negan. When you had gotten the chance, you could see the visible exhaustion tug at his eyes and cause dark circles and veins to appear much more. You wanted to hug and kiss him all over in pity.

“Carl,” You addressed, sitting up from the couch. You had been waiting for hours.

“Hey.” He croaked, sitting down beside you. He slumped on your shoulder and shut his eyes tightly.

“You better stay awake, I need to talk to you.”

Those words jolted him upright in an instant. Concern usurped his exhaustion and his eyebrows furrowed.

“Calm down, I still love you.” You joked which made his composure soften but he still appeared worried. Sighing, you rested your hands on his and firmly gripped them, to ensure everything was okay. “I just… want to talk about our wedding, that’s all.”

“Oh. Can we do this tomorrow?” He rubbed his eyes. “I’m really not in the mood.”

“I… okay… yeah.” You nodded, your voice trailing away faintly. You ached to talk to him about it, but it seemed he needed his sleep, so you allowed him to go on upstairs. After he departed, you rested your head in your hands and sat there, continually worrying about your lover. Why was he working himself so hard when he didn’t even have to? He was Rick’s son, he shouldn’t even have to work that much. Most of the other ungrateful Alexandrians don’t even know how to defend themselves, let alone remain independent. They never had to struggle through the way things are today, they never had to do shit.

Maybe a date would be soothing for Carl. Yeah, a date. That sounded really nice. Although, you’d hate to go into a date without any new clothes that didn’t look like they were fit for a grandma. Standing up, you headed upstairs and shut your door behind yourself. Crawling into bed immediately, all you did was kick off your shoes and you fell fast asleep.

* * *

_You heard an explosion that made you open your eyes. You jostled awake, but you weren’t in your bed anymore. No, you were in somewhere damp, dark, and cold. You could feel a trickle of water lap on your hands and soak your clothes so much so that you felt hypothermic. Shivering immediately once you had woken up, you glanced around yourself. You saw familiar faces. There was Tara, who was looking down at her hands. There was Carol, who looked on in dismay. There was a line of others next to them in the dimly lit hole._

_“Hello? What’s going on?”_

_Nobody dared look or speak to you, they all acted as if you were invisible. “Please.” You muttered, feeling your gut swirl. “Anyone?” You stood up to your feet, your raw wet feet aching each time your boots shuffled in the small puddle of water. You walked down the corridor, occasionally being lit by the flicker of a flame from a small candle. You saw an unfamiliar face, but he was so blurred that you couldn’t even register it as a face. You looked to your right, over your shoulder, and saw a sweaty face illuminated in the dark._

_“Carl?” You asked him and finally you saw his eyes trail on over to you. His shirt had been unbuttoned and opened, exposing a nasty red bite that set your blood to ice. “Carl, no.” You said, dropping to your knees. He didn’t speak, he only looked tiredly at you. Although you had seen him like this before, nothing could replace this, how his eyes glittered with utmost love._

_“This can’t be real, this is a dream.” You repeated, tears rolling down your face as you held Carl’s hands. “I said I would protect you. I promised!”_

_“Y/N…” Carl murmured._

_“This is all Negan’s fault, isn’t it? I’ll never forgive him. Never.”_

* * *

Sucking in a sharp breath, you awoke in a puddle of your own tears. Looking around frantically, you scrambled out of bed and ran into the other room. Carl was awake and half-dressed, pulling a t-shirt over himself. Startled when you slammed the door open, he whirled around and faced you. “Y/N?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. Racing up to him, you pulled his shirt up to the point it fell off of his torso and onto the floor. “Woah, isn’t it a little too early to do this?”

“I had a nightmare.” You said, searching for the bite wound. You traced your fingers over the spot where you recalled the red and infected bite, but it was just his pristine white skin. Wrapping your arms around his chest, you hugged him close and felt yourself cry again.

“Oh.” He plainly said. Pulling you into his grip, he sat down on the bed. “It’s okay, let it all out.”

“Carl, I’m scared.”

“It was just a dream--”

“No! You don’t understand. I have dreams, weird dreams, where it predicts something. I dreamt of my mom the night I met you, I dreamt of Negan lining us up and killing one of us, and this time… you had gotten bitten. We were all underground, I think, in a sewer. I was really cold and I heard explosions outside.”

“I’m not going to get bitten.” He reassured you, petting your hair in his large palms.

“You don’t know that.” You whined, burying your snotty face in his chest. You knew that he was the one when he didn’t recoil away, just simply caressed your skin and held you close. After your shuddered had slowed, he quickly pushed you down onto the bed, pinning you there.

“Carl, nooo, I look like a snot monster.” You hid your face and he shook his head.

“One, you’re beautiful, and two, I already said it’s too early.” Then, he wrapped his hands under your arms and tickled you. You burst out into laughter, trying to kick him off but he had your legs under his. Shaking your head side to side, he eventually stopped after you pleaded, falling down beside you and chuckling himself.

“You tricked me.” You mused, and he only looked at you.

“I love watching you laugh.”

“Jeez!” You exclaimed, taking a pillow and whacking him in the face with it. He pulled it down, still smiling.

“It’s true! When you cry it makes _me_ want to cry, too.”

“I’m just worried.”

“I know you are, but you don’t have to be.” He sat up, kissing your cheek. “Now, did you want to talk to me about something?”

“That can wait, I wanted to see if you wanted to go on a date. You’ve been so preoccupied with so much work lately and I think a date is just what you need.”

“That sounds really nice and all, but I’m going scouting again today.”

“Seriously?” You frowned. “Fine, then… we’ll do it when you get back. I need to go get a dress anyways. Hey, how about we get some walkie-talkies from the pantry? We can keep in touch that way!”

“Sounds great. Can I get dressed?” He laughed, looking down at his discarded shirt. You acted as if you were thinking about it and he playfully pinched you. You laughed and got up, leaving him in his room to get dressed. You also got dressed in some jeans and a regular tank top. When you walked down the stairs, he joined you and the two of you walked out together.

You firstly stopped at the pantry, where Olivia reluctantly handed the two of you walkie-talkies. Then, you took your weapons and a car, kissing Carl goodbye before you split off. You had an idea where to get a new dress. There was a city nearby, which wasn’t much of a good idea, but it offered a lot of better choices.

So, you took about two hours to get there. Okay, maybe that was unreasonably far, but you were here anyways. Well, that was until walkers began to circle your car. You had to flee and start walking briskly through the city, keeping low until you found the mall that was on the map. You had to enter in through an exit door, holding your small handgun close. Edging the long deserted hallway, you saw that it was pretty abandoned. The occasional corpse laid out on the floor here and there, but nothing you couldn’t handle.

Taking your flashlight, you shone it across the distant shops that looked untouched except for the dust bunnies that settled on the floor and furniture. You walked into a high-end looking store and took your sweet time to browse the options. You picked out a couple before you made your way into the dressing room.

“This red one is cute.” You said, twirling in front of the mirror. You grinned and took it off quickly, trying on a tan one and deciding it was too big. Lastly, you picked up a slim black dress and tried it on, admiring your body in the mirror. You then heard your walkie-talkie fuzz into existence and you heard a gentle voice speaking. Picking it up, you listened.

“Y/N? Y/N?”

“Yes? Who’s this?” You asked, clicking down the button when you spoke back. It was a feminine voice and you recognized it, but you couldn’t put a face to the voice.

“It’s Tara.” A couple of seconds later, you heard the response. You smiled worriedly.

“What’s going on, Tara?”

“It’s Carl--” She began, cutting out for a couple moments. The fuzziness of the walkie-talkie buzzed loudly in your ear and made your heart skip a beat. What had happened to Carl? Surely he hadn’t gotten… bitten? “--the Saviors took him.”

“Son of a bitch.” You said to yourself, grabbing your things. You had to get back there as quickly as possibly. Grabbing the walkie-talkie, you hit the button. “Go back to Alexandria. I’ll get him.”

You didn’t listen for a response before you shoved the walkie-talkie in your backpack. You had no car, how would you get out of this city? You had no time to put your clothes back on, so you took your backpack and strapped it on, racing out of the dressing room in the heels you had picked out. Running in heels was definitely not something you were used to, but you had to rescue Carl.

You reached the main area of the mall before you ran down it, looking for an exit. That’s when you saw it.

Oh, _hell yes._

* * *

_VRRRRR! VRRRRRRRR!_

You climbed on top of the motorcycle on display and kicked on the gas, launching you forward. You had to multitask, taking the handgun from your backpack. You aimed it toward the front doors as you drove, not threatening to stop, and shot multiple bullets. The doors shattered before you drove right out into the open sunlight. Then, you took a sharp swerve and continued on the road. Whipping past walkers, they all had to take time to look at you and register you were a human before they stumbled on after you.

You had no idea how you were doing it, but you’ve seen Daryl do it enough times that you had a slight clue. You also knew where the Sanctuary was located, but your map was stuffed in your bag and you had a shitty enough time trying to get your gun out, so you kept it in your hand as you steered. The cold wind slapped against your skin and chilled you to the bone, but you didn’t care as you thought about what the Saviors could be doing to your Carl.

_Don’t worry, I’ll find you._

It only took you hours and hours, but you finally got on the right road. Night was beginning to fall over the land, casting long fuzzy shadows in the hazy sunset. You ached all over and had to pull over to stop. At some point you had discarded your gun since you had no bullets and it freed up both of your hands. Besides, it was some pointless handgun. But you didn’t think you’d be able to infiltrate the Sanctuary with a couple of daggers, so you had to look through some old forgotten homes that once housed large families. Knocking over a picture onto the floor, you looked at the photo and felt your heart hurt for the unfortunate family. It was a wedding photo.

You carried on into a garage, searching around. Until you saw a blanketed object in the corner. When you approached it and plucked it off, you grinned to yourself. This would do the job.

* * *

You knew the layout of the Sanctuary already, almost like the back of your hand. You recognized a weak spot and decided to take it out the quickest. Riding your motorcycle, you raced toward the door. The guard outside looked around, holding his weapon close to his body as he trotted toward the noise. You parked the motorcycle behind a van and took your massive weapon, revving it.

Roaring into life, the chainsaw in your hands was almost as big as your entire body. You grew used to the weight as the guard ran up to you, shooting his gun. Swinging the blade of the chainsaw to protect your most vital organs, you then took the moment where he had to reload to attack. How gruesome that was. When the multiples of rotating blades came into contact with his throat, it sounded like he was a drowning man. You had no remorse for killing him when your Carl was in danger.

You slammed the door open. People rushed down the hall at you and you held up the chainsaw, having the bullets ricochet off. Some of the bullets bounded back into the shooters, causing them to fall. You pressed forward, moving quickly through the halls. You heard shouting down the opposite hall once you reached a fork and quickly maneuvered the other way. You had to get to Negan. Racing up the stairs, you didn’t hesitate to stop, but you felt bullets whizz past you in a desperate attempt to stop you.

You entered a hall, being chased down. A man cornered you, running at you with his gun. You squatted as he launched himself and raced the chainsaw across his stomach, allowing him to fall over, severed completely in half. You carried on, continuing to run even if your legs screamed in pain.

The door was just up ahead. Swinging the chainsaw into one hand only, you prepared yourself to enter the room but you felt a bullet grade your bare leg. In a burst of pain, you leapt at the door and the chainsaw immediately cut through, the white noise of it growing extremely loud in your ears. You swung the door open, pulling the chainsaw out, and saw a terrified Negan and Carl standing to their feet.

Carl, with his bandage in his hands and tears soaking his cheek, you felt relieved to see him. You shut the door quickly.

“Call off your men.” You demanded, pointing the running chainsaw to him. “I won’t hesitate to fucking gut you like the pig that you are.”

“God damn!” Negan smiled, picking up his walkie-talkie and muttering into it. The gunfire ceased outside the door. You saw Carl’s expression and felt anger flare up inside of you as you glared at Negan.

“What did you do to him?” You stepped forward.

“We just had a little chat, that’s all.” Negan looked at the chainsaw, holding his hands up slowly. This was your chance to end it, once and for all, but you were in his territory. Like it or not, you couldn’t make a move without all of the Saviors knowing it.

“If you touched a hair on his head, I’ll saw your dick off and pin it to your head.” You threatened, which made him chuckle under his breath. You didn’t like not being taken seriously. You growled somewhat and Carl shook his head.

“It’s okay, Y/N, nothing happened.”

“Fine.” You didn’t even look at your beloved, knowing he would have the same fear-filled expression as you recalled from two minutes ago. You approached him and took his hand, enveloping it in your own before you stepped near the door. “We’ll be leaving, then.”

“I don’t think so.” Negan shifted on the other side of the table. You could see Lucille leaning against his chair, the barbed wire shining in the milky light. The same barbed wire that went through Abraham’s skull because you went against your word. “See, you’ve killed plenty of my people. You and Carl.”

“We’re not going to work for you.”

“That option is off the table.” Negan rose his voice, edging his temper. “You sure as shit should know that. I’ve given you plenty of chances.”

“Are you trying to act like you have the upper hand here?” You laughed, stepping dangerously close to him. The teeth of the chainsaw were almost scraping against his neck and you could see him falter, sweating nervously. “What did you expect me to do, sit back and allow Carl to sit in here with you?”

You didn’t wait for Negan to respond, instead you wrapped your arm around Carl and simply smiled at him, pushing his hair out of his face and wiping his tears away with your thumb. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Then, you took his hand, pulling him out, and began to run for your life. Almost immediately you heard people shouting down the halls. You took turns to get away from them before you clambered down the stairs in your thin heels. You also remembered the blazing pain that was crawling up your leg as you bled out, but you couldn’t think of that as you and Carl were getting shot at again.

“What are you wearing?” He asked, jogging beside you as you led the way back to the motorcycle.

“Well, it was for our date but _someone_ had to go get kidnapped.”

“Ah… sorry.”

“Don’t be.” You smiled before you pushed open the exit door, running out to the motorcycle. You turned off the chainsaw and tossed it on the ground, hopping up on the seat.

“Wait, why are you just leaving it?”

“It’s too big to take. We need to go, now.”

“Let me drive, your leg is hurt.”

“Do you know how?”

“Yeah, Daryl’s showed me.” Carl nodded before you moved to the back seat and wrapped your arms around his waist as he sat down, igniting it and pulling out quickly. He slammed on the gas, his hair flying back in the wind. You held onto his hat for him.

Gunshots rang into the air but they became distant as you two pulled out and left the Sanctuary behind. A part of you knew that Negan was going to be insanely upset and the other part of you told you not to worry and that Carl was safe under your arms yet again. Strapped tightly on his chest, you rested your face against his back and shut your eyes, waiting to return back home.


	30. Chapter 29

You, of course, didn’t return home just yet. Carl and you had stopped temporarily before the sun began to rise, taking a momentary breather before you found a safe barn not too far off. Both of you cozied there before you got back up again.

“You didn’t have to save me.” Carl spoke monotonously.

“Didn’t I? I had no idea what he was going to do with you.”

“We were _talking_ , that’s all. He clearly wasn’t interested in killing me until you showed up. What if he goes to Alexandria looking for us?”

“Well, he won’t find us if that’s the case.” You relaxed against a pile of stale prickly hay, placing your hands under your head calmly.

“We have family and friends there. What if he kills them?”

You fell silent as a response, knowing Carl was right. But you had just gotten him back. If what he said was true and Negan was at Alexandria, then you couldn’t bare to lose him again. You sat up, trembling slightly from the cold air and then felt arms wrap around you comfortingly. Carl looked at you with a soft expression, knowing that you didn’t want to leave just yet. He pressed a kiss against your cheek lovingly.

“We’ll wait to morning, okay?” Carl asked, smiling. “In the meantime, I’d like to talk about this date of ours…”

“It’s pointless anyways.” You said, shrugging your shoulders. “I wanted a romantic dinner out in the woods, but things didn’t go according to plan.”

“We still have our chance.” He grins, pulling you up to your feet. You laughed, watching as he swung you around and twirled around you, dancing alongside you.

“When you were with Negan… what did you talk about?”

“You, mostly,” Carl grinned. “He even made me sing, which was really weird. But then you interrupted.”

“You sing?” You asked him, raising an eyebrow with interest. He began to glow red in the darkness.

“N-Not really.”

“I want to hear.”

“Urrrgh.” He rolled his eyes, still holding your hands and swaying side to side. “Do I really have to?”

You playfully hit him on his arm. “Uh, yes! If Negan gets to hear you, I think I have every right to, as your fiance.”

“Alright, alright.” He straightened himself, now pulling you closer by resting his hands against your hips and drawing you into his chest. You slow danced without any sound except for the occasional cricket outside and then felt his chest rumble.

“You are my sunshine,” He began with a small smile. Not sure why he chose this song, you watched him with an everlasting grin on your face. “my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear,” He paused to glance downwards at you, tucking your hair behind your ear. “how much I love you… please don’t take my sunshine away.”

“Ohhh, Carl! That was so adorable! You serenaded me!”

“Jeez, Y/N! You’re embarrassing me.”

The two of you laughed as you tugged him down onto the floor, kissing his lips and moving to his jawline and neck, cuddled smoothly against the curves of his body. You could feel his warmth and the beat of his heart and you had to constantly remind yourself he was alive here and now, by your side, and it would remain that way for eternity. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

* * *

Morning came and passed quickly. You fell asleep in Carl’s arms easily but awoke once you noticed he wasn’t there anymore. He was standing up on the other side of the barn, the sun’s rays filtering over his serious face as he read a label on a bag. You sat up, pulling small stray pieces of hay out from your hair that you could see in your peripheral. He hadn’t noticed you were awake until you stood up, walking barefoot across the barn over to his side.

“Good morning.” He murmured, opening the bag of dried fruit. He handed you one and you ate it gratefully, the two of you dividing up the pieces evenly. It was silent besides the occasional tweet from a bird outside.

“What’s up?” You asked him when he had placed the bag down on the floor. The expression on his face remained solemn and you knew what was on his mind but you didn’t want to say it yourself.

“It’s just… we should’ve went back to Alexandria.”

“No, Negan would’ve followed us and found us.”

“What if he’s back there already, killing people because of us? And we’re not there to stop him?”

“He’s a pussy, he’s not going to just go do that because a couple of kids killed his men.”

“Um, Y/N, I don’t think…”

“Carl, what do you want me to do? If we go back there and he’s there, I’ll just lose you again. It’s best if we stay back for a little while.” You crossed your arms, looking distant as you sat back on the old stack of hay.

“You can’t keep a hold onto me forever!” Carl shouted, getting angry now. You heard banging on the front door and the both of you disregarded it as a walker. “I know it’s hard and all to stay at least two feet from me, but it won’t hurt you to be a hero for once!”

You shot upwards in rage. “Um, what are you saying? I’m clingy? I saved your life, you ungrateful little--”

“You didn’t need to! Negan wasn’t going to hurt me, we were literally talking! You know, the one thing that doesn’t require people to be at each other’s throats wielding guns and knives!”

“We can’t trust Negan! He’s a psycho, did you see how he _laughed_ when he bashed in Abraham’s skull? I don’t think you want to get all buddy-buddy with that type of person.”

“Actually, I already am.” He glared at you. You immediately knew he was talking about you. His cold blue stare grazed your heart like a bullet and physically hurt you, but you didn’t cower.

“You’re calling me crazy.”

“I’m not calling you sane.” Carl avoided the statement, skirting around it. You trembled with anger, clenching your nails into the palm of your fist and digging into your skin.

“Well, I’ll have you know that you’re whiny. All you do is wait for your fiancee to save your stupid ass because you can’t defend yourself whatsoever! Who had to take initiative when Ron was threatening to kill you? Who had to peel Enid’s grubby little paws off of you? Who was it that protected you _and_ Glenn when Negan had us lined up playing eenie meenie minie mo? Who carried you to the infirmary when your head was blown up? Who just now saved your pitiful ass from the many Saviors who want to get back at Rick? WHO WAS IT?” You ranted, pushing your fingers on his chest and gently tapping him, small hits that you would later regret doing.

You could see Carl’s eye twitch in visible pain as he listened to you and often you caught him looking down. “So, you have no right to call me fucking crazy when you owe me your life.”

“That’s what this is about?” He asked you, gripping your wrist so that you couldn’t walk off. “Me owing you? Maybe this wedding doesn’t need to happen after all if you’re just going to be a bitch.”

Okay, that hurt. A lot. You winced and felt tears ball in your eyes. Wiping your face, you had to look away from his pained expression. In the corner of your blurred eyes, you could see that he immediately regretted his words. He reached out to you but you stepped away quickly from him, shaking a little as you cradled your arms.

“Look, Y/N, I’m… sorry… I didn’t mean that at all.”

“Did you?” You breathed slowly. “If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have even said it in the first place.”

“Noo,” He cooed, pulling you into his arms. “I just got defensive. I didn’t mean any of that, okay? Don’t cry.”

“Carl, get off of me!” You pushed him, not enough to throw him against the wall but you only wished. He stumbled back, crying too now.

“Y/N, please, I’m so sorry--”

_SKKKKK-- SKKK--_

The staticy noise was emitting from your bag. The two of you turned to look at it and you briskly walked toward it, unzipping it and picking through your items to expose your walkie-talkie.

“Anyone--” “--there?”

You looked at Carl, who exchanged a sorrowful glance with you.

“Y/N--” “Carl?” “--Please.”

You pressed down the button. “It’s Y/N. What’s going on? Who is this?”

“It’s Michonne. We need help. Come back to Alexandria _now_.”

Looking at Carl, the two of you knew exactly at the same time what this was about. And the two of you wished you hadn’t fought right before it.

* * *

Arriving at Alexandria was awful enough. You had to drive with Carl on the motorcycle you stole, arms wrapped around his abdomen as if everything was fine. Then, when you entered, you witnessed big trucks circled around the entrance, blocking it off. Negan and some of his Saviors held down certain people, guns raised to their heads. Maggie, Glenn, Carol, Michonne, and Daryl were all pressed on their knees, looking forlorn. Rick was standing somewhat behind Negan, a gun still held to his head.

“Well, there they are!” Negan delightfully said. “The little killers themselves.”

“Negan, what are you doing?”

“Hey, did you ever read that one book? _In Cold Blood_ by Truman Capote. Truly wonderful book, great writing. It’s about these murders in Holcomb, Kansas. The littlest town you could imagine. The victims were this big family of four-- all very kind people. When the killers were captured, they executed them both. Doesn’t that seem fair? An eye for an eye?” Negan rambled, but you knew exactly what he was rambling about. He was talking about getting his revenge.

“Please,” You shakily said. “Don’t do anything.”

“If only I had said that when you were busy sawing my men into little tiny pieces. Maybe you would’ve stopped.” He sneered at you. “Now, you have some options of course, unlike I did, but I’m just nice that way.”

He turned to Rick and threw him against the asphalt ground. Rick looked beat up and bloody already, you knew that he had been thrown into a shitstorm when you hadn’t returned last night. Carl looked tense beside you, but you could feel his hand brush against yours.

“Now, we could kill everyone in custody here.” Negan motioned to the loved ones he held hostage. He wagged his finger toward someone behind him and they handed him Judith. He held her against his hip like a loving father would. Carl was now ready to pounce, but you took his wrist and shook your head.

“I could make you kill Carl.” Negan grinned, smiling to the two of you. You shifted, biting your tongue.

“OR!” He quickly added, smiling. “This is the good part. Or, you could come with me to the Sanctuary. You’ll work there for me and make up for all the lives you killed.”

You opened your mouth to answer, but he cut you off again. “And don’t think I won’t hesitate to make your life a living hell if you choose that third choice.”

You saw Carl look at you and he shook his head, as if to say, _talk him out of it._ That wasn’t an option now. You recalled your fight earlier with him and you remembered him saying something about you playing a hero. If anytime was to do that, it was now. You couldn’t bare to kill the others, it would hurt Carl too much. You couldn’t kill Carl, not for anything in this world. Your only option was the last one, you were forced this way. Negan was baiting you to keep you alive, you knew that now.

“I’ll go.” You stepped forward. “Please, just let them all go.”

“No, Y/N!” Carl took your wrist. You shook your head to him, walking toward Negan with your tail between your legs. You looked at his smile that gloated his win and all you wanted to do was rip it off of his face.

“Good girl.” Negan said, nodding to his Saviors. They released everyone and you watched Rick take his children in his arms, blood dripping down his face. Negan took your backpack, throwing it to the ground before he wrapped your wrists together with rope. Rick watched you with a look of disdain. You knew that putting both of his children at risk would make him hate you for as long as you lived. As you were walked to a car, you saw everyone hold one another and what you’d give to hold Carl one last time…

* * *

When you woke up, it was night. Your cell was ice cold, you couldn’t turn anywhere where the cold concrete didn’t jolt you into reality. Negan wouldn’t physically hurt you, instead he deprived you from food. He made you deal with the walkers in the courtyard. You were exhausted and you weren’t even given a mattress to sleep on. It was the four walls and the clothes on your back. That night, you had a nightmare about being eaten alive. That morning, you did the same routine. Everyday was repetitive, you lost track of day and night and began to sleep when you could. Your mind was drifting from Carl and you began to pity your own self.

“Come on, Y/N, it’s morning!” Negan said in his usual jolly tone. You wouldn’t move from the floor. He swung the door open, shining light onto the scene. You had thrown up nothing but air and stomach acid, lying in the pool. “Oh, how pathetic.” He sighed roughly through his teeth. “Get up.” He took the collar of your loose sweatshirt, pulling you to your feet. You stared blankly off in a daze. “God, you are one sorry piece of shit. Come on, you’re cleaning that up.”

He made you get a rag and wipe it up. When you finished, he pulled you back onto your feet and walked you through the hallways. When people would pass, they’d stare at you, greet Negan, or both. He opened a door to an empty room.

“This is your room.”

You glanced at him questioningly. After what seemed like a week of this torture, he was caving in and giving you a room?

“It’s not much, but you’ve survived this long with water and bread, I think you’ll be okay with twenty-four hour supervision. It has a bathroom, but it doesn’t have any weapons so don’t go thinking you need to get creative.”

You couldn’t manage to croak out a thank you.

He left you in the room. When you sat down on the mattress, you sunk down and fell asleep quickly, falling back into your nightmarish dreams. Awaking again, you found a fresh and still warm dress laying on the table for you. So, you changed into it, exploring around your new room. Your heard a knock, looking around. The door opened, exposing the last person you wanted to see.

“Enid?”

“Y/N. I heard you were here.”

“What’s going on? Why are _you_ here?

“I’m a Savior now.” She looked distant, but not hateful. “When I ran away, I met the Saviors and they took me in. For awhile now, I’ve known that we’ve had some problems with Alexandria, but I’m not trusted enough to go on runs.”

“So you could never see for yourself.”

“Yeah.”

“I uh…” You didn’t know what to say. The last time you saw her, she was trying to get with your boyfriend.

“I have a boyfriend now.” She interrupted your thoughts, as if she read your mind. “His name’s Al.”

“That’s nice.” You said carefully. “I guess… then you don’t know all that happened.”

“No, I don’t.” She spoke softly. You sat down with her, speaking gently. You filled her in on every detail that she missed, every moment that had happened when she was away. As you told your story, you could feel the time pass onto hours. The two of you got along pretty well, considering the rocky past. Maybe it’s the fact she’s already in a relationship.

When you two had caught up, she sat back in disbelief. She had been shocked Ron and his entire family died and how Carl was injured in the process. You couldn’t believe it either. She was gone that long? A part of you wanted to talk about getting married to Carl, but you weren’t entirely sure if the whole wedding thing was still going to happen. Enid stood up and sighed as if she was saying _I’m done here._ and flattened her shirt.

“Well, it’s been nice to talk. I should get going. By the way, the uh… promotion you got… it’s not any better than where you were.” And with that, she simply left. You looked at your black dress, disagreeing lightly with her, only to kick yourself later for not realizing sooner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing longer chapters! Hope you guys enjoy!


	31. Chapter 30

“You called?” You stepped into Negan’s room, opening and shutting the door tightly behind you. His dark eyes met yours for a split second and he didn’t hesitate to stand up, swinging Lucille onto his padded shoulders. You winced at the sight of him just carelessly swaying it about like that, but you stood far enough away from him that he couldn’t hit you if he wanted to. Not that he intended to, anyway.

“I’ve allowed you three days to settle down, have you found everything to your liking?”

“More or less.” You muttered ungratefully, crossing your arms and feeling a gentle breeze coming from the vents placed around the room. It made your dress flutter and you suddenly remembered you were wearing one, almost being like a second nature to you by now.

“Good, good…” He looked around aimlessly, drawing closer. _Now_ , he could definitely whack you if he wished. “I’ve gotten a job for you.”

“If it’s what I think it is…”

“You’re going to pose as one of my wives.” Negan smiled at you. You frowned. You knew the black dressed he had handed ever so graciously to you meant that you were apart of his many wives, but what did he mean by posing as one? As if he read your mind, he continued in explanation. “Most of my Saviors are upset at you for killing their family members. Fathers, mothers, wives, husbands, whatnot.” He rolled his eyes then. “So, if you pretend to be one of my wives, they won’t feel as inclined to take revenge.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“My wives are property.” Negan suddenly stepped only a couple inches away from your face, appearing threatening as a long hazy morning shadow cast upon his face. “If anybody decides to take that away or damage it, they will pay severe consequences. More so than if they killed a simple worker. That’s why.”

“So, what? You’re making me your wife so I can owe you more?”

“Not necessarily. It’s just a cover, you don’t owe me.” He grinned. “Although, I like the way you think. But, no. Your job is something else.”

“Then, spit it out.” You said, sounding impatient as if you could leave with all of your free will.

“You’re going to provide consolation for my people. Anyone and everyone will seek you out as a therapist and you will keep their conversations confidential.”

“Are you kidding me? I don’t know jack shit about helping people with their problems.”

“But you do know how to care about people. See, my Saviors need the best they can get. This will also get them to trust you.”

“So, what if someone talks about wanting to slit your throat? Is that still confidential?”

Negan blinked slowly, as if he had heard that phrase too many times before. He then processed it, wandering around his chairs and milling about with a warming smile on his lips. His expression told you exactly what he was just about to say, but you didn’t dare utter a word interrupting his response.

“Sure, but a heads up would be nice.” He jokingly chortled, but you didn’t move. “I doubt anybody is that unhappy with me.”

“Why are you giving me this job, anyway?”

“Because, you need a way to show that you belong here quickly. You need my people and me to trust you enough so that you can go out on runs. That’s what you’d rather be doing, right?”

“Well, yeah.” You looked down. “When am I going to go see Carl?”

He sighed. All you had been talking about for the past three days was when you got to next see Carl. You half-expected him to burst out in anger, but he only appeared slightly irritated which wasn’t anticipated from such a hot head like Negan.

“If I hear his goddamn name one more time, I _will_ make Rick cut his arm off.”

“N-No!” You stuttered. Negan knew he hit a nerve, but he didn’t move a single muscle from his spot.

“Then stop talking about him. He’s a nice kid, you know that? When we were chatting, he just seemed so warm-hearted. That’s hard to find nowadays. I’d hate to kill him, but I will if you can’t obey some simple rules.”

“I’m sorry.” You apologized immediately. As much as you hated kneeling down to Negan’s orders, you couldn’t resist them either. It was Carl’s life on the line, you couldn’t think to risk it at all. If it was yours, however, you wouldn't seem to care as much. Negan must know that.

“Alright, I suggest talking to my wives first. I have a room down the hall to the right, it should be the first door on your left, they’re usually in there. Introduce yourself as a new wife and make sure to tell them about your task.”

“What if they don’t believe me? What if they think I’m just trying to out them to you?”

“Then, let me know. Those girls aren’t that bright, they’ll break eventually.”

It stung to hear him talk badly on those girls, but you dipped your head and quietly slinked out of the room, hauling ass down the hall to get away from Negan. You followed his directions and opened the door to a long room filled with different women. Somehow, being all types of weights, hair colors, body shapes, and features, they all glanced at you and had the same reaction. You could identify with their similar black dresses and felt nothing but sorrow for the poor girls that looked at you as if you were a black sheep, quite literally.

“I’m uh… Y/N.”

“We know who you are.” Spoke Sherry, the one who you recognized from the last time you had come to the Sanctuary. Although the sentence seemed cold, her gaze was soft and so were the other girls’. “Come on in.”

Closing the door behind you, you trailed in and stood there awkwardly. A blonde girl approached you, a small weary smile adorning her pretty and fair face. “I’m Amber.” She said politely, taking your hands. “We’ve heard a lot of rumors about you-- including your boyfriend.”

“Oh, so you know.”

“I’m sorry,” Amber looked down at your hand suddenly, examining your ring with a shocked expression. “...husband..?”

“Fiance. So, you met Carl?”

“He didn’t talk much, was here very briefly.” Said the dark-haired one. “We’re sorry… you have to be here…”

“It’s alright, I--” You began, but a red-head cut you off.

“Most of us do actually have husbands or boyfriends. That asshole just keeps us here to be his property.”

“So I’ve heard.” You looked down. You felt nothing but remorse for these girls. “Well, I’ve also been given a task. I’m supposed to be sort of a therapist for the Sanctuary? I’ll have one on one sessions in my room with people who need to talk about things, and it’ll be entirely confidential.”

“Really? Did Negan give you that task?” Amber piped up again.

“He did.”

“Are you sure it’s confidential..?” Sherry rose her eyebrow. “Knowing him, he’s just going to have sex with you to get the information he needs.”

“Entirely. Don’t worry.” You smiled at all of them radiantly. They returned the gesture only to show manners, but you knew they didn’t completely believe you. You just had to prove to them, that’s all.

“Well, I’ll stop by later today. How about that?” Amber nodded to you. “I trust you.”

“Thank you.” You whispered softly.

You had conversed with the other girls for awhile and learned a couple of their names before you left to go to the worker’s level. You talked to some people there, but they seemed wary of you and on edge when you drew closer to them. They knew what you were capable of, but seeing you in a small black dress and standing no taller than the lot of them, you came off as even more threatening as rumors spread around. You talked about your therapy sessions and said to come by when the door was open, which some did take note of.

When the afternoon rolled around, you waited in your room, sitting uncomfortably in a plush chair that even had two pillows. But even you didn’t want to be alone with a stranger in your room. The door creaked and you heard heels clack into the room before you snapped back into reality, looking up at Amber’s sweet face. She shut the door with a smile.

“Hi, Amber.” You greeted kindly, motioning to the seat in front of you. “Take a seat. I’m so glad you made it, I was worried nobody would come by.”

“Oh, I’m glad I made it too. I’ve had so much on my shoulders for the past week.”

“What’s going on?” You leaned in with interest.

“Well, a week ago, I did something I shouldn’t have. As Negan’s wife, I’m not allowed to cheat on him. I snuck away with my boyfriend Mark and we did some stuff… Negan found out because someone must’ve seen us.”

“Really now…”

“He was furious, I could tell. That’s when your boyfriend was here, he was just standing there watching while Negan practically told me he’d kill Mark.”

“Did he?”

“No, Mark’s okay, but he did… beat him. It was awful. We don’t have a doctor, either, so Mark’s wounds are getting infected. Negan said he’d get the doctor from Hilltop, but it’s been a week… I’m scared for him.”

“I can understand.” You gently replied, listening to her woes. “Negan’s a bad man. Why are you even his wife?”

“If I stop, then he’ll kill Mark for certain… and he’d make my mom and I work so much, she can hardly work for herself. I can’t put that strain on her. Doing this allows us all to be able to eat by the end of the day. It’s terrible.”

“Can you deny Negan of sexual advances?”

“I could, but that’ll mean that I won’t get my fair share of work in… we’d starve if I didn’t do this for him.”

“That’s awful.” You sighed, looking down. You had no idea how horrible Negan really was. “But… he never forces you to?”

“No.” Amber met your eyes. “But, you’re his wife too. Has he done anything to you yet?”

“This isn’t about me, Amber.” You waved your hands. “I’m just… I’m here so he doesn’t kill Carl. That’s all.”

“So we’re in the same boat.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve thought about running away with Mark and my mom. I’d hate to drag her along, but I can’t just leave her here, and I can’t be with Negan anymore… it’s too much.”

“I can understand that.” You nodded. “Do what you need to do. Get the help that you need from the people you trust. You can talk about that with the girls.”

“But what if they all want to leave, too? We all can’t just disappear on Negan. He’d be more than livid.” Amber looked solemnly down. “We’d have to do it on our own.”

“That may be the case, but… I can’t help you… I’m sorry.” You pathetically looked away from her desperate eyes. “I’m already in enough shit for mentioning Carl’s name. I’d hate to get caught and have him killed.”

“No, I understand.” Amber wiped her face quickly, but you could see her visible tears trail down a couple of times. “What do you see in him?”

“Amber, this is about you--”

“You just seem so nice. I think we can be really good friends.”

You paused for a moment, a smile breaking on your face from her words. She was truly an innocent and sweet girl, what did she do to deserve this sort of pain? You wanted to help, truly, but you realized that all she needed was a friend right now. Yes, she had Sherry and the other girls, but she needed someone she could trust would be completely confidential, unlike Sherry when Negan interrogated her.

“Well, his eyes-- or, well, eye. I love them so much. They’re the first thing I saw when we met.” You laughed. “We actually used to be childhood friends before all this, got separated but then we met again as if it was destiny or something like that.”

“That’s so sweet.” She sighed dreamily. “You mentioned his eye, what happened to it?”

“It was a while back, some psycho shot him in the head on accident. Long story.”

“Ooh, no, it sounds interesting! Tell me!” Amber laughed heartily. You grinned and told her the story from what seemed like years and years ago. The two of you enjoyed your time together thoroughly and spent hours together, talking on end about your lovers. When it began to get very late, she stood up and bade a goodnight before waving and walking out, leaving the door open. You hated to watch her leave so soon when you had just had such a wonderful time and being able to talk about Carl in confidentiality was so nice. You heard a tapping on your door when you began to prepare your bed.

“Knock, knock,” Said a familiar deep voice. You turned and saw Negan smiling and standing there. Strangely enough, Lucille wasn’t hovering around his shoulders or in his palms. “How did your first session go?”

“Did you hear us?” You rose an eyebrow in suspicion.

“No, but I saw it was Amber. I can only guess what _she_ talked about. I’m glad you’re gaining some people’s trust, though.”

“Well, don’t worry, she doesn’t seem like she wants to kill you.” You rolled your eyes as he walked in, leaving the door cracked. You turned and continued to make your bed.

“I just wanted to see my favorite wife before she headed off to bed.” He laughed. You grimaced.

“Please don’t call me that.”

“If we want people to believe us, you’re going to have to deal with it.” Negan warned, turning around. “By the way, do you know Dr. Carson? I mean, not the one we just killed here.” He laughed menacingly. “Harlan Carson.”

“Oh, yeah, I do. Amber mentioned you were going to bring him here?”

“Yes, we traded him with Hilltop. He’ll be here tomorrow morning if you need to treat any wounds. How is your arm?”

“Why do you care?” You blinked.

“Making sure you don’t die on me.” He returned the plain gesture.

“It’s healed, but thank you for your concern.” You sat on your bed, taking your hair out of the fancy style it was pinned up in. He nodded and waved to you before wandering out the door, shutting it. You had managed to stand up and lock it before you undressed and got ready for bed, going to sleep that night dreaming about lying in Carl’s arms.

In the morning, you took the time to get dressed early and open up shop for anyone who wanted to talk. Nobody stopped by for the next couple of hours, so you just went ahead and left, walking down to the infirmary.

Upon arriving there, the door was already cracked open, so you gently knocked and stepped in, looking around the room for sign of life. There, you saw Dr. Carson unpacking some of his things with a solemn expression. Although, when he looked up and recognized it was you, his expression completely changed to a simple and relieved smile.

“Oh, Y/N, it’s good to see a familiar face. I heard you were here.”

“Yeah, just checking up to see how you’re doing. Being uprooted from your life so quickly can be difficult.”

“I’m alright, just doing my job. I’m glad to help people in place of my brother.”

“You had a brother?”

“Yeah, he was… well, he had gotten in trouble and was killed.”

“Oh, I’m…” You trailed on, meaning to say something sweet and understanding, but you couldn’t find anything else to say other than, “sorry.” Dr. Carson dipped his head, knowing you had good intentions. You offered to help him unpack which he gratefully accepted and you stood next to him in the silence, unpacking gauze and bandages and remembering Carl.

“Oh, Dr. Carson… I was wondering if I could talk to you.”

“What is it? Your arm?” He took a clipboard and a pen, clicking it and writing something down.

“No, I just need to talk privately about something.” You murmured in embarrassment. He rose an eyebrow but didn’t pry as you sat down next to him, taking a break from unpacking all his medicines and whatnot.

“What’s going on?”

“Well, I… skipped my last period. And I was supposed to start a couple days ago and I haven’t. I’m worried.”

“Are you sexually active?”

“I-I was.”

“You were?”

“I haven’t done it in months.”

“You did it before your last period?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, watching him scratch this all down.

“What about protection?” He glanced up at you and you flushed a dark red color. You hated discussing your sex life, but it had to be done. You were curious.

“We didn’t use condoms, we tried to find some though. And, uh… I was on birth control a couple weeks beforehand, but I ran out and tried to get more. He-- Carl-- um c-came inside and I took a pill right after, but that was it.”

“So, dosage was irregular due to low supply.” He looked completely calm up at you again from his clipboard. How was he maintaining such a composure? You were red-faced and anxious. If your mom were here, she’d beat the living daylights out of your ass. He scribbled some more things down before he looked up. “Well, as you know, pregnancy isn’t always one-hundred percent avoidable even on protection. The only way to not get pregnant is to not have sex.”

“You can’t be saying I’m…”

“Yeah. You’re pregnant, Y/N.”

“No! I can’t be! I promised Carl that we wouldn’t have kids until this war with the Sanctuary is over!” You cradled your face. “This is all going wrong.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but sometimes you have to take responsibility for your actions. Then again, it could just be a scare. Plenty of women skip two periods in a row.”

“Do you have any pregnancy tests?” You asked him, your eyes all bleary from oncoming tears. He shook his head slowly, standing up and placing the clipboard and pen down on the counter.

“No, but I’ll ask someone to get some while they’re out scavenging. I assume you want this to stay between us?”

“Please. If word got out, it would be chaos. If anyone asks, just make up an excuse or something. When will you get the tests?”

“Probably in a couple days. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when I’ve got them.” Dr. Carson smiled warmly. “In the meantime, take care of yourself. You have no idea if you’re carrying a baby or not. I also suggest eating a bit more food.”

You nodded, although you kept staring down at your feet. What would you do? You couldn’t get in contact with Carl, you couldn’t just keep this baby… so when Dr. Carson offered advice, you thought about not considering it whatsoever. You waved to him and left quickly, going back to your room to think about everything that’s happened so far, and what your very few options were...


	32. Chapter 31

Four days passed of you lying in agonizing wait for Dr. Carson. It was early in the morning when you heard a gentle knock at your door and you opened it, exposing his casual smiling face. He held a small bag in his hand and extended it to you, walking into your room as you shut the door.

“Dr. Carson, are these..?”

“Yes, they’re the tests. They shouldn’t be defective although they are a little expired, but I think you’re going to get your final answer from these. I wish I could give you an hCG test, but I don’t have the technology for that any longer.”

“An hCG test?” You looked at him questioningly, taking the bag from his hands.

“Yes, it’s a pregnancy test where we check your blood instead of your urine. Can’t perform it because of the lack of technology, so this is our only resort. You have a bathroom connected to your room?”

“Yeah.”

“Follow the instructions exactly. If you don’t do everything as it tells you, you could get the wrong answer.”

“Okay. Thank you. You can wait here.” You nodded, taking out a small box and leaving the rest with him before you entered the bathroom. You had been holding in your pee all night, so it was good that you didn’t have to wait to go. Reading the box, you followed step-by-step instructions as closely as you possibly could. You had Dr. Carson time it with his watch. Those couple of minutes just waiting were possibly the longest of your life.

“Time’s up, check it.” He said. You glanced at the stick in your hands and felt your heart drop. Two lines were firmly written on the test, making you sink down on your couch. You almost dropped the stick on the floor but you realized it had your pee on it so you tossed it in the garbage can quickly. Dr. Carson sat down, comforting you.

“I can’t believe I’m pregnant.” You sobbed.

“It’s not such a bad thing, Y/N. It’s Carl’s baby, you know that.”

“Exactly! What am I going to tell him? _How_ am I going to tell him? We’re in the middle of a war with the Saviors! Carl could die, what if I have to raise this baby alone? I can’t do that!”

“Talk to him first. Find out how to get in contact with him and talk to him. Before you take any more steps on your own, you need to figure out what he thinks too.”

“You’re right, but… how am I going to do that?”

* * *

It was a week. A couple of other people stopped by to talk their hearts out, but you couldn’t even function properly anymore. You did as Dr. Carson said and ate more rations, but most of the time you had to steal food from other poor hungry people and you felt awful all the while you did. All your mind could linger about was the baby growing inside of you right now and how you couldn’t figure out what to do or how to get ahold of Carl to figure it out.

It was around sunset when you approached Negan’s room. You truly didn’t want to bother him about it, but you figured trying to sneak out was the last thing you needed to do right now. You had to go to him first. If he didn’t waver, then you’d next try to get out on your own. You’ve done it before.

Opening the door to his room, you saw him standing by his window. He looked over his shoulder and at you and a grin burst on his face.

“There’s my favorite wife! How’s the therapy business going?”

“It’s good, people are confiding a lot in me. I’m glad they’re opening up. But that’s not what I came to talk about.”

“Hm?” He curiously pondered, walking closer. This time, Lucille was leaned against the far wall and you didn’t feel as nervous around him. Fiddling with your fingers in front of yourself, you looked around everywhere except for his eyes.

“I need to go back to Alexandria.”

“Oh, come on, Y/N! This bullshit again? You know you’re making up for all the people you killed, right? Your punishment isn’t over yet and it won’t be for a long time.”

“Negan, please, I have to go see Carl!”

“Enough!” He raised his voice. “I told you not to say his name--”

“I’m pregnant!” You shouted back, your fists curling up. Suddenly, the entire room went quiet and still. You could feel the tension in the air and you looked at him, but all he had was a growing shocked expression on his face.

“You’re..?”

“Yes! You can ask Dr. Carson, I’m pregnant with Carl’s baby. I _need_ to go see him now, Negan.”

Negan looked hesitant this time. His composure completely faltered and you saw a moment where he was truly vulnerable. “Stay here.” He demanded, waltzing out the door. Leaving you in such a hurry, you knew he was going to confront Dr. Carson about it, but you realized that leaning against the far wall he left his most valued thing-- Lucille. You drew closer to the bat, your fingers trembling as you picked it up and looked at it. You knew exactly what hell this bat has gone through, and how many heads it’s also gone through, yet it looked completely new and clean. You wondered if Negan seriously had a thing for his bat.

It took him around ten minutes to come back and he had a determined expression on his face. “Come on.” He said the split second he swung the door open. Striding in, he snatched Lucille off the wall and swung it over his shoulders.

“Where are we going?”

“To Alexandria. I’m driving you there.”

“What?” You asked, but he took your wrist. He didn’t allow you to take the time to consider his offer, he simply pulled you along until the two of you got outside. He then asked Dwight to keep control over the Sanctuary before you two piled into the small car and he started it up, driving away quickly. You watched the building disappear behind dark trees as the sun sank down below the Earth, casting the world into darkness. The car ride was silent.

“Negan?”

“Hm?” He grunted.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because, you’re pregnant. If you had told me sooner, I would’ve allowed you to go see Carl.”

“You really care that much?” You crossed your arms over your seatbelt. “How do you know I’m not lying?”

“I talked to Dr. Carson and then checked your garbage can where he said the test was.”

“Gross.”

“Look, Y/N, aren’t you too young for this?” He turned to look at you, frowning. You suddenly felt infuriated.

“Who are you to tell me that I’m too young to have a baby? I love Carl more than anything in this world. I want to have this baby with him!”

Negan and you both looked to the road and you both saw as it was too late. A snarling walker, straight in your path. Negan slammed on the brakes and went skidding across the road, slamming into the walker and causing it to land on the windshield mostly, half of its remains getting caught into the engine. The car sputtered as it drove out of control. As if it were a nightmare, you saw something worse up ahead.

“Negan! Herd!” You shouted to him and he looked just as alarmed, pumping the brakes but they weren’t working. The car spun right into the middle of the herd. The walkers that weren’t bowled down by the vehicle suddenly attacked the car, snarling and clawing at the windows. Luckily, nothing was shattered, but the force of the walkers had stopped it. Negan tried the gas, but the car simply groaned.

“There’s too much shit under the hood.”

“Of course…” You held your arms over your stomach protectively. “We’re going to die, aren’t we?”

“No.” Negan replied lamely. “We’ll just wait it out. They’ll lose interest eventually when something else comes by.”

Sighing, you relaxed in your seat and watched the figures of walkers swarm your car, shaking it side to side as they tried to bite their way through the glass. Negan turned off the headlights, enveloping you two in darkness. Now, you were stuck in a car with the guy you hated more than anything.

“You really want to have that baby?” Negan rose his eyebrow toward you. “In the middle of all of this?”

“What else can I do?” You ran your fingers across your dress. “It’s… _my_ baby. I don’t think I have any other option.”

“Well--” Negan began, but you were growing restless and upset with him.

“What’s your problem, anyway? I don’t want to talk to you! All you do is threaten to kill me or Carl and then the moment you realize I’m vulnerable, you get all soft. You’re nothing but a cold-blooded killer, I’ve seen you.”

“I don’t get _all soft_.” Negan scoffed at your tone, leaning back in his seat. “You know I do care about you and Carl, right? You’re just kids.”

“You _care_ about us? What a joke.” You looked out the window, but all you could see were dark bodies.

“Y/N, you know why I haven’t bashed in your head for killing my men? For threatening me, for challenging me? It’s because you remind me of my wife.”

“Which one?” You rolled your eyes.

“I mean my ex-wife Lucille. She died of cancer right before.”

You looked over at him, then at his bat lying in the back seat. Frowning, you suddenly realized why he had such a close attachment with his weapon. He had named it after his wife that passed away before the epidemic. His expression was hardly visible in the dark, but you could tell he was regretful.

“I had no idea.” You said softly in response.

“Not many people know.” Negan bit his lip, looking away from you to try and hide his face. “I used to be a high school gym coach. Fitting, huh? Not a good one, pretty shitty. I’d talk down to those poor kids all the time. Got a lot of complaints from parents. My wife, Lucille, was everything I had. I even cheated on her. It was until she got cancer that I stopped cheating. We often talked about having kids of our own, although we never got to do it. We wanted to.”

“Why are you telling me this?” You asked softly, still staring at him.

“Because, you remind me of her. She was one hellraiser, I tell you. Never stopped fighting for her own good. She always had to have the last say in things, no matter what. Stubborn as hell, too.” Negan took a short pause before he continued, “I wanted a son just like Carl, you know. I even look at him like a son. The fact that you’re pregnant, it was just… surprising. I realized I can’t keep you away from him forever. You and Carl… you’re what I wanted to be with Lucille. But she wouldn’t have been strong enough for this. And I was too weak. I couldn’t even put her down when she came back.”

“I’m so sorry.” You rested your hand against his shoulder. “I just assumed you were, well, crazy.”

He chuckled bitterly. “I know.”

“I also lost someone close to me too, you know.” You spoke up. “My mom. I remember going home from school and she wasn’t there. We had talked about a place we had up north, but I didn’t go there until a couple months after shit hit the fan. I was just scared, I was a twelve-year-old girl all by herself. It took me so long to get up there and when I finally did, I opened the door and she… mom was gone. I eventually got trapped by these guys who sexually harassed me. I managed to get away, but it’s just so hard remembering my past.”

Negan didn’t say anything but you could hear him sigh in remorse and acknowledgement that he had heard you.

“You’re not as bad as everyone says you are.” You smiled at him. “Everyone sort of has their own baggage, huh?”

“Right.” He replied, but you could hardly hear his voice above the growling outside. “It’s late, why don’t you lay down and get some rest? I’ll keep watch.”

“Are you sure?” You asked him, to which he nodded. He took Lucille and placed her in the passenger seat as you climbed over to the back seat, shutting your eyes tightly. You didn’t entirely trust Negan yet, but what could you do? The moment your body laid down, you fell asleep quickly, slipping away into a world of dreams.

* * *

“Wake up.” Said a voice that echoed in your head before you opened your eyes. Blurry, you could see a masculine figure standing outside your door. The sudden stench of rotting flesh caught you off guard and caused you to sit up in a coughing fit. Negan’s arms were coated in walker blood, but most of them were gone or dead on the ground. The sun was raised halfway in the sky, telling you it was noon.

“Jesus, could you have washed off first?”

“How?” Negan criticized you, sitting down in the driver’s seat before rearing up the engine. The car roared into life, unlike last night. “I had to clean all that shit out. Come on, we’re going to Alexandria.”

You climbed over the console to the passenger seat and placed Lucille in the back seat. Buckling up, he started to drive carefully away from the bodies and continued on the road. Yawning, you just began to wake up.

“Did you let me sleep that whole night?”

“I wasn’t tired anyway.” Negan spoke, his voice unusually gentle. “Had a lot to think about.”

“I see.”

Those final words before the next twenty minutes of silence told you a lot. First of all, Negan hadn’t killed you in your sleep last night, which told you that he was actually sincere. Next, when you saw Alexandria’s walls appear in the horizon, you grew antsy. You hadn’t seen Carl for what seemed like years and you couldn’t wait to be back in his arms by now. Of course, the guards on the wall were cautious but you stepped out and they quickly opened the gate. Maggie and Glenn were the first to greet you as Negan and you pulled into the community quickly so they could close the gate.

“We’re so glad you’re safe.” Maggie said, hugging you softly. You smiled and hugged her back. Glenn also traded some joyful words with you.

“Where’s Rick? Carl?” You asked, looking at them. They exchanged a glance.

“Rick went out scavenging for… Negan.” Maggie glared up at Negan, talking as if he wasn’t there. “We got someone to go get Carl--”

“Y/N!” Shouted a voice. You looked behind Maggie and saw Carl running at you. Suddenly, both of his arms attacked you in a loving hug as he lifted you off the ground. The crowd that had gathered smiled at your young love and you pressed your lips to his. When you finally pulled away, you couldn’t stop staring at his gaze. “I’m so happy you’re home… are you okay?”

“I’m fine! I just need to talk to you.” You whispered in his ear. “Come on, Negan.”

“Wait, you’re bringing _him_?”

“Yeah, we don’t have a lot of time. Come on!” You said, dragging Carl away from the crowd gathering and back to the house. He stumbled on after you and Negan trailed calmly behind. When the three of you managed to get back to the house, you looked around it with a small smile. It felt refreshing and inviting to see it. But, you all sat down in the living room.

“What’s going on? Are you really okay? And why is he here?”

“Stop asking so many questions.” Negan grumbled.

“Carl, sweetie…” You took his hands, holding them tightly. His concerned eye traced from your hands to your own eyes and you tried to squeeze his hands to reassure him everything would be okay. “I’m pregnant.”

Suddenly, his eye blew up wide as he glanced at Negan.

“No! It’s yours, it’s yours, Carl. Calm down.”

“That doesn’t help anything! What do you mean pregnant?”

“I mean that I’ve missed two of my periods and the test I took was positive.”

“This can’t be happening.” He held his head. “Is that why you’re here?”

“Yes, Negan offered to drive me here.”

“Can we talk alone?” He said to Negan, who nodded and went upstairs, leaving the two of you by yourselves. Carl looked uneasy and outraged, but you couldn’t understand why.

“Didn’t we agree to have a child _after_ this war ends?”

“Yeah, but I can’t help it that you came inside me--”

“You sound like you want to have this baby.”

“Well, yeah… Carl, it’s our baby.” You frowned. “Does that mean nothing to you?”

“It does, Y/N, but… it’s too risky right now. We can’t have kids.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” You dreaded hearing his answer, but you knew it was coming. His face said all you had to hear, but you awaited his response as you watched his face drop forlornly.

“I think we need to get rid of it.” He finally murmured.

“Carl, please, no.” You desperately gripped his hands. “I can’t do that to our baby. It’s ours! I promise!”

“I know it is, Y/N, I’m not accusing you of anything different! I’m just saying that dad is right. We’re too young and immature right now to have children, and we’re in a rough time right now. If anything happens to that baby or you, I’d never forgive myself. What if I die? That baby would grow up without a father. Then again, you said if I died, you’d kill yourself. We can’t risk that right now.”

“We’re always going to be at risk of dying! That’s the type of world we live in, Carl. Our situation might not change for years.”

“My mom went through this. We were on the run when she was pregnant. We hardly had enough food, we had no shelter, we didn’t have the medicine to keep her alive. What if you end up in the same exact situation? What are we going to do, Y/N? And if we have that baby, who knows what will happen to it? If we’re forced outside these walls, that baby is going to cry. It will draw walkers.”

“I can’t get rid of it, Carl!” You cried, clinging onto him. “I already love this baby.”

“Me too, Y/N.” He pet your hair, comforting you. “Oh, you have no idea. I would love to have a baby with you. But Y/N, it’s not a baby just yet. It’s still a small little embryo, you know that, right?”

“It’s still ours.” You sobbed, holding him close.

* * *

After you had come to your senses, Negan agreed to driving you two back to the Sanctuary to seek medical help. Rick had arrived firstly, though, and Negan and him had a heated argument before Negan spit out some threats before taking you two away and into his car. It took the rest of the day to get back, but you did before sun down.

Negan caved in at some point, allowing you two to get settled. He had firmly and cautiously demanded that you two stay low and keep Carl from the Saviors so that they wouldn’t have a target to attack, but the first thing Carl did was drag you to the infirmary. Dr. Carson was treating a patient already so you had to wait together until he was finished and allowed you in.

“Good, Y/N, Carl. I’m glad to see you’re both here.” Dr. Carson gently said. “Did you two talk about it?”

“Yes, and we’ve decided on abortion.” Carl said blankly, his voice chilling. You hated every word that was uttered from his lips, but you nodded in agreement.

“Wh-- are you sure? Abortion is a really big thing.” Dr. Carson rose his eyebrows.

“And having a baby is too.” You spoke up, your voice raspy. Dr. Carson, in retaliation, looked at the two of you worriedly but understandingly. Nodding very slowly, he stood up and rummaged through his cupboards and cabinets until he managed to pull out a small bottle. He pressed down on it and popped it open, checking the small white tablets before pouring them back into the container and handing it to you. The label read a long word you couldn’t think about pronouncing.

“It’s mifepristone.” Dr. Carson said. “It’s a hormone pill that essentially stops creating a certain hormone needed to continue pregnancy. It has directions on the bottle, but you will take 3 pills in a couple hours. It will act that as a miscarriage. If you’re still pregnant in a couple days, see me again and I will give you further directions. You can become pregnant again immediately after using Mifepristone. To avoid pregnancy, start using birth control as soon as your pregnancy ends and before you start having sexual intercourse again. Also, avoid driving because it can cause nausea and dizziness. If you have any concerns, please visit me anytime.”

“Will do, thank you Dr. Carson.”

You took the small bottle and left the clinic with Carl, making sure to avoid any lingering Saviors. Walking back into your room, you felt nothing but homesickness and sorrow as you grabbed a bottle of water quickly.

“Do you want to stay here?” Carl asked softly, his hand resting on your arm. You knew he was only trying to be consoling, but he would never understand what you were going through. Jerking away from him, you took a small sip of water before you downed all three of the pills you were instructed to take. Hesitantly, you swallowed, and then knew immediately you felt a sickness wash over you. Collapsing down on your bed, you held your head in your hands and cried. “Oh, Y/N,” Carl cooed, sitting down beside you and pulling you into his arms. “It’s okay, let it out.”

“I can’t believe you!” You cried aloud, meekly hitting your fists on his chest.

“Me? For what? Being right? You know that we can’t have a baby, you agreed on it!”

“I thought maybe you’d change your mind!” You shook your head, but he roughly gripped the sides of your face with both of his hands, squishing you.

“Get a grip.” He whispered. “You know it had to be done.”

You faltered, your face falling as you glanced away from his stare. Then tearing away from him, you got up and strode away from him, sitting on the opposite side of the room and shivering with grief. You couldn’t even look at Carl anymore.

* * *

Crickets were sounding outside your window and as you glanced out, you saw nothing but miles and miles of dark forest and a lifting moon, suspending itself against the dark milky way. It was quite scenic but when you turned to look at your room, you could see a hazy oil lamp lighting up Carl’s lean figure, something you missed nestling against. You dared not approach him, although, as he made himself comfortable on your bed.

“Come join me, Y/N.” Carl spoke softly, his hat placed down on the table beside the lamp that flickered occasionally.

“Why should I?” You grumbled in response.

“Because you’re my fiance and someday you’re going to have to get used to sleeping next to me.”

“Well, I don’t feel like it.”

“You can’t stay mad at me forever. Please, sweetheart.”

A chord in your heart snapped and ached with all its might as his slick and velvety voice echoed out ‘sweetheart.’ It made you swoon and before you knew it, you were stumbling over to him and cuddling against his broader figure. His arms instinctively wrapped around your body, protecting you but also loving you.

“Urghh,” you groaned, gripping your stomach. Ever since you took those pills, you’ve been having exotic cramps that shot up your spine and made you feel like you were going to explode. They’d been worse than your usual cramps.

“Feeling bad?” He asked soothingly, running his hot hands along your lower abdomen and pressing them neatly against the flat of your skin. It felt good, you enjoyed his warmth, but you were still livid at him.

“Like I’m going to turn into a walker.”

“Don’t joke like that.”

“My bad.”

There was a silence that pursued, but it was more peaceful than awkward. You knew he was only trying to see the best possible choices for the two of you, but you really had wanted this baby. The thoughts of losing your child forever haunted you and made your throat tighten yet again.

Carl’s warm lips pressed against the hot skin of your neck and you immediately drew back, looking at him in the faint filtering light. All you could see were long shadows cast over his face and his one blue eye glimmering with indistinct emotions.

“What are you doing?” You asked him, but he replied again with another kiss. You pushed him off of you with a frown on your face. You repeated the question and he sighed against your ear.

“Cheering you up?”

“I don’t need any cheering up from you.” You coldly said, pulling the blankets up over yourself so you didn’t have to look at him. He didn’t say anything in return, simply blew out the light and allowed you to have time to yourself. But, that night, the cramps raged on and on for continuous hours and you felt like you were going to just die. Clutching at your stomach, you wished something that you’d find yourself never admitting in public, _I hope it ends quickly._

You weren’t able to fall asleep.


	33. Chapter 32

It was early in the morning when you had awoken in a cold sweat. Your entire body was burning up yet you felt like you were going to freeze to death. Stumbling out of bed, your stomach churned— or what felt like your stomach— and you slammed open the bathroom door. In your peripheral, you witnessed Carl jump awake, looking around frantically until his gaze fell on you.

“Y/N?” He asked, but you didn’t respond. Tumbling downwards to the toilet, you rested your face against the cool lid and steadied yourself on the tile. Your world was spinning around you, vertigo sending you into a crazed hysteria, and yet all you could do was simply cry. Tears fell down your cheeks and Carl briskly ran into the bathroom behind you, pulling your hair out of your face and taking a hair tie from the counter before tying it back, keeping it out of your eyes. His warm hand ran along your back comfortingly.

“It feels like I’m going to vomit.” You whined.

“Dr. Carson warned you the symptoms. Should I go get him?—”

“No! Stay with me.” You took his wrist, pulling him back down onto the floor beside you. Looking confused, he helped you to your feet when you demanded his assistance.

“Y/N?” He asked, looking down at you. You glanced up at him with blurred eyes and saw his eye wide and full of terror. Looking down at yourself, you could see small trickles of red down your thighs. Your gray shorts were stained red. Panicked, you quickly hiked them and your underwear down. Looking as if you had just gotten massive menstruation, you knew exactly what was happening.

You choked on your gentle cries and you clung to your fiance as he rubbed your back.

“Nooo,” You whimpered, rubbing your watery eyes into his chest. “My baby…”

“I know, Y/N.” Carl whispered, sighing. “I know. Just let it out.”

You remembered that night to be your worst.

* * *

In the morning, you awoke in Carl’s embrace back in bed. You had hoped maybe it was just a dream, but you recalled washing yourself, getting dressed into fresh clothes, and climbing back into bed with your beloved. It made your stomach churn to think about the loss of the baby you had already fallen in love with. Sitting up, Carl placed his arms around your waist. He looked sleepily at you, his eyes half-lidded and dazed.

“Hey.” He murmured, “It’s early, get some more sleep.”

“I can’t.” You shook your head, pulling away from his grasp and standing up. You walked into the bathroom and combed through your hair, your eyes dry and irritated from sobbing so much. You couldn’t find it in yourself to cry any longer, feeling as if you had no tears left. Carl walked in behind you, pushing his hair out of his face and exposing the bandage wrapped around his head.

“Look, Y/N, I know—”

“No, Carl, you don’t.” You turned to face him angrily. “You have _no_ idea what I just went through.”

“Okay, you’re right. I don’t. But listen, you know we can’t have a baby yet. This was for the best.”

“It was my call!” You shouted, your fingers curling into a fist. You really wanted to sock him in the jaw, but you restrained yourself from doing so. He sighed and reached out, taking your hand. You loved the rough feeling of his calloused hands, it always made you relax somewhat, but this time you couldnt find yourself relaxing.

“It was _our_ call. I know you feel like it was unfair, but don’t forget it was my baby, too.” He warned, his voice edged with ice. It cut through you like a blade but you knew it to be true. You looked down and away from his blue gaze, unable to meet his eye that was staring straight at you. All he did was sigh dramatically before leave the bathroom. You left after you finished brushing your hair and once you did, you heard a gentle knock at the door.

Dr. Carson and Negan strode into the room silently, shutting it slowly behind them to ensure nobody would look in. Then, they turned to the two of you.

“So?” Dr. Carson asked. You looked downcast, unable to speak.

“It worked.” Carl cut in for you, allowing you to have a moment of silence to yourself. “Thank you, Dr. Carson.”

“That was a really big decision you made.” The doctor sighed, looking at you solely.

“Yeah, and it’s too late to change anything.” You glared up at him. “What do you want?”

“I’m allowing you to return to Alexandria.” Negan said, stepping into the conversation. He had Lucille placed on his shoulder, looking as confident as ever. “You and Carl can go, you’ve spent enough time here.”

“Why?—” Carl began to ask, but you cut him off.

“Because you think losing my baby is enough punishment for what I did.” You realized, staring at Negan. He didn’t speak at first and only sighed audibly.

“Look, you have killed a lot of people.” He said, staring at you. He shifted awkwardly to another foot. “But I had no idea that one of those people would be your very own.”

“My baby.” You spat.

“I’m allowing you to go home. I know this is a lot for you. I’m sorry.” He said, genuinely. You remembered being stuck in the car with him and how he told you about his late wife Lucille. You remembered he wasn’t bad, yet you couldn’t feel nothing but emptiness and bitterness. You hated the world right now and you wanted to just scream. Carl took your hand, giving you a comforting glance, but you stayed silent and still. Negan gave you two a sorrowful expression. “There’s a car waiting out front.”

Then, with that, he turned and left. Dr. Carson spoke with you, but you didn’t want to look at him in the face. Although it was your doing, you partially blamed him for the loss of your unborn child and you felt a growing pungency.

Carl and you packed back up and hauled everything into the car that Negan provided for you. Then, you left around midday. You stared out the window without a word and your thoughts were blank. You thought they’d be racing with images and scenes of you whirling your baby around and Carl running up behind you, attacking you with loving kisses, but you couldn’t think of a single thing as you watched trees pass by as he drove off from the Sanctuary.

“Y/N, can we talk?”

“What is there to talk about?” You said dully.

“Us. The baby. The wedding.” He listed things off.

“Carl, I don’t want to fucking talk!” You snapped at him. “Not about us, our baby, or the fucking wedding!”

“Y/N!” Carl barked back to you, causing you to simmer down. “We _need_ to talk. It feels like this is happening too much where you clam up and don’t talk about shit! I need you to _talk_ to me!”

“Carl, please—” You sighed, rubbing your eyes.

“No, shut up, listen to me.” He tried not to sound too harsh, his voice softening sweetly as he told you to be quiet. He continued. “I get it! We both just went through the same thing. We lost a baby. But, it was hardly a baby to begin with— just a small little… thing, okay? It didn’t have a name or a planned life and that’s okay! That’s fine! I know what you’re going through and I know it’s hard to come to terms with something like that, but you have to or you will never be able to keep on living. Do you understand?” He glanced at you occasionally. You felt tears well up in your eyes as you wept loudly, wiping your face.

“I just… I love you so much, Carl, and that baby… I love it too. I wanted it to have a life like us and a chance—”

“You _loved_ it.” Carl corrected. “It’s time you get over it. We will have a baby, I promise, but you’ve got to understand that now isn’t the best time and you chose the only option.”

“I could’ve had it.”

“No.” Carl said, putting you down. “No, you couldn’t. If you can’t live with that, imagine that maybe it was going to kill you if you did have it.” He was speaking quickly, trying to reassure you with his odd example. “Imagine maybe it was going to die and you would’ve gone through all that suffering too. Imagine that, and you’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Carl!” You cried, shaking your head. He slowed to a stop and pulled over on the right shoulder, pulling you into a hug over the console. You gripped him tightly and sobbed into his chest, feeling his warmth. “I wanted a baby… and I wanted to watch it grow up and I wanted to be proud…”

“I know, Y/N. Someday, alright? We’ll have a baby and we’ll have a perfect family. But now, we have a fight to win.” He leaned back, wiping your tears with his thumbs and kissing your cheek. You felt somewhat comforted, but nothing could replace the grief you felt for your first and only child.

* * *

Returning to Alexandria was pleasant, actually. Everyone greeted you warmly and with open arms, but you didn’t dare say why you were back so early. Nobody actually knew that you had been pregnant and it hurt to not be able to speak about it with anyone. At the very least, you had Carl, but even with him you didn’t feel comfortable enough to share your emotions with him.

All you wanted to do when you got back home was sleep, so you went to your house and laid down, burying your face into your pillow as you cried gently. You felt like the tears just kept on coming no matter what you wanted them to do. You eventually did fall asleep halfway through the day, but you woke back up when you felt a gently shake on your shoulder.

Rubbing your eyes, you glanced up through your bleary eyes. Unfocused and fuzzy, you made out the shape of Carl. He was staring gently down at you with a soft expression.

“Y/N, get up.” He whispered, his deep voice jarring you awake a bit more.

“What?” You yawned.

“Come on, love.” He sighed, pulling you up and petting your hair. “I need you to follow me.” He then pulled you to your feet and you swayed a little, still confused as it was dark in the room and outside the window. How long have you slept for? He held your hand as he led you through the dark house, the wood floor creaking as the two of you walked along, then out the back door into the yard. It was spacious but reserved and quiet. There was a small fire there, crackling and popping. At this point, you were a little more awake.

“Carl, what’s going on?” You asked him and he handed you a small piece of paper and a pen.

“I want you to get over this.” He said sweetly. “I know it’s not going to be an easy or quick process, but we can start here and now.”

“Oh, Carl,” You whimpered. You didn’t really want to think about this now although it was the only thing on your mind. “Please…”

“Go ahead and write a message to our baby, alright?” He said, nodding to the paper. You glanced down at it, frowning. “Write everything you’re feeling.”

And so, you hesitantly placed the pen on the paper and wrote.

_You were the love of my life even though our time together was so shortly lived. And although you are gone, thoughts of you plague my mind and I want you to know how much I love you. I can’t stop crying or thinking about you. I miss you. ___

__You glanced at him and he held up a small folded paper which you deducted was his. You didn’t expect him to read it aloud and he didn’t ask to read yours, instead you folded your up. He then took the two papers, pulling you closer by the waist as he gently threw them into the flames._ _

__Up they went, igniting and being engulfed by the hungry flame. You watched the fire eat away as your message and Carl pointed up to all the small little sparks that floated hazily into the night sky, dissipating once they reached high enough into the stars. You knew that Carl was trying to help but you couldn’t help but sob yet again. It was as if your message was being sent to Heaven— where you were certain your baby was. Although it was hardly developed, you still felt awful and you knew that your feelings weren’t ridiculous or unjustified. Clutching to Carl, he cradled you in his arms and whispered soft and loving words in your ear that it would be alright._ _


	34. Chapter 33

It had been a couple months since then. You had mourned and accepted the loss of your baby and finally you were freed of those inprisoning thoughts. Moreover, the war was long from being over and was beginning to accelerate into a massacre.

Alexandria joined forces with Oceanside, the Kingdom, and Hilltop to usurp Negan and his Saviors, yet it still seemed like an ongoing battle that would never end. When the constant threat of Negan began to linger over all of you, you began to fret maybe he’d truly ruthlessly kill Carl. You know he had a good side to him, that was never a doubt in your mind, but you didn’t know how else to get rid of him and his people. You met with Rick and Carl and went on a run with them.

“Look, I’m just saying—” You began, getting cut off by Rick.

“No, it’s too dangerous.” He grunted, holding his machete close as he walked ahead the two of you. You sighed, glancing at your fiance to which he simply gave you an unknowing shrug.

“But killing Negan?” You sighed. “I know he’s killed a lot of our people but so have we with his! I don’t think we need to murder him.”

“Did you forget what he did to Abraham? Sasha? Olivia? Spencer? Y/N, he’s killed our friends, our _family._ ”

“And I get that!” You piped up, crossing your arms. You weren’t fighting with Rick, it was more like a friendly banter. He had fully accepted you as his new daughter-in-law and this was a ritual the two of you did. “Buuut,” You intercepted, “I don’t think it’s right. There are no sides in this world, nobody’s good and nobody’s bad. We aren’t the good guys, we’re just another group trying to survive in this world we were given. So is Negan and his people.”

“You’re comparing us to them?” He said, frowning and glancing back at you.

“If that’s what it takes, then yes.” You watched the area, seeing a gas station up ahead. “This war doesn’t need to take place, it could potentially end up killing a lot of people.”

“Then how else are we going to do this?” Rick stopped, turning toward you. “You know that Negan wants full control.”

“We can coexist! Provide for one another instead of one _for_ the other. Band together to create an entirely new world order.”

Carl, holding the empty can of gas, heard chirping in the distance as he walked off, rounding the gas station up ahead. He looked suspiciously around, frowning as he glanced into cars. Rick sighed and followed his son, tromping off through the tall grass. You followed in pursuit, feeling the hot wave of summer beat down on your back.

“He—Hello?” Called out a small voice. The three of you froze and lifted your guns and the voice panicked audibly, letting out an exasperated gasp. It was small and frail, drifting around the parking lot. “Please don’t shoot! I’m… I’m just hungry… a traveler. Please, just… I’m gone, I get it, I don’t trust people either.”

You narrowed your eyes, looking around, and Carl ran up ahead, lifting his gun and pointing it at the man he had just discovered. The man held up his hands, looking dirty and ragged.

“Wait! Wait!” He cried. “Wait… I just… I’m gone, okay? I’ll go. I’m just hungry, that’s all.” He stammered nervously. Rick raced around the other side of the car, shooting above the man’s head. He took off, sprinting away behind some cars and disappearing into the woods. You sighed and lowered your gun, approaching the men and putting your weapon away.

“Did you hear him?” Carl frowned, waving his gun around a bit angrily. “He said—”

“I heard what he said, I just wanted him gone. He might’ve been a spy for the Saviors.” Rick said harshly, picking up the gas can and continuing on. You glanced at Carl and you could tell he was visibly upset by it.

“Carl…” You said softly, taking his wrist. “I know you want to do good by everyone, but your dad’s right. We’re in the middle of this war whether we like it or not.”

“He didn’t have to do that.” Carl grumbled. You smiled and pressed a loving kiss to his cheek.

“Hey, come on. I’ve got an idea.” You proposed, pulling him along to follow his dad. Along the way, you two collected cans of food that you said was for Alexandria. When Rick managed to scrounge up some gas, the lot of you headed back slowly to Alexandria only for you and Carl to turn around when you managed to have Rick turn his back. You walked back to the gas station and began to pile up the cans of food and water in a stack with a note that read _SORRY_. You knew it meant a lot to Carl to do that and so the two of you spent the rest of your day walking through the woods.

“So… about our wedding.” You hummed.

“Y/N.” Carl looked at you with a small smile. “I know you’re eager to get married, but we’re sort of in the middle of something.”

“I know! That’s why I want to get married. I have no idea if this is my last couple of days with you.” You sighed, taking his hand. He squeezed it and pressed a kiss to your knuckles, sitting down on an old rotting log. You sat beside him, watching him lovingly.

“It won’t be.” Carl reassured, looking into your eyes. “You know that, right? This war will end and we’ll have a beautiful wedding to celebrate.”

“No.” You pouted. “I want it now! Carl, please?” You begged, clutching his hands. “I just can’t imagine losing you now.”

“I said you won’t!” He tackled you, pressing kisses to your cheek and neck, tickling you all over. You let out a small laugh, trying not to be too loud in hopes that you wouldn’t draw any walkers. Carl’s fuzzy chin scratched against your neck and you pushed him back, placing your hands on his cheeks and gently rubbing your fingertips along his facial hair.

“Ooh,” You cooed, “Big manly man’s growing a beard?” You asked him and he snorted, laughing.

“Jesus, don’t call me that.” He grinned and you rolled your eyes.

“I think it looks nice on you. Oh, you should grow a mustache too.” You imagined him with one and bit your lip, smiling dreamily. “I think if you did, I wouldn’t be able to resist sitting on your face.”

Carl’s cheeks went red with embarrassment and he laughed, burying his face into your shirt, nuzzling you. You felt his hat obstruct the area between the two of you, so you took it off and flattened his hat hair, kissing his forehead.

“I love you, Carl.”

“I love you more, Y/N.”

* * *

A week passed. Things were getting intense. Apparently some Saviors had been captured and taken into Hilltop as prisoners, the Sanctuary is threatening to fall apart, Maggie runs Hilltop entirely now with Glenn by her side, and people are still dying every day. It was a vicious cycle, but you noticed one morning when you awoke that Carl wasn’t by your side in bed.

You had gotten your own separate house from Rick and Michonne’s but often you babysat Judith. She even began to speak, calling you ‘sissy’ most of the time. You loved her as if she were your own child. But, today, you were expecting another peaceful morning with your beloved until you noticed he was gone. Sitting up with a frown on your face, you threw on a skirt and baggy shirt, heading out the door into the street.

“Hey, Daryl?” You called out, noticing him first. He was walking somewhere but stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face you. He didn’t smile or anything, actually looking somewhat pissed. “Have you seen Carl?”

“Yeah, just left to go scavenging.”

Now, that was weird. You frowned to yourself and wondered maybe he really was scavenging.

No, you dumbass. We had sex last night, he’s never up and early after that! He’s up to something… You thought as you quickly thanked Daryl and raced back to the house, grabbing your coat and machete before you headed out of Alexandria, prepared to find your fiance.

You had gotten good at directions in the woods surrounding Alexandria. Navigating the tangled underbrush had become second nature to you and you had actually become quite a skillful tracker since you had Daryl help teach you. You could smell the faint cologne in the woods and followed it as if you were a dog, allowing yourself to become sensitive to other smells. You had to be especially careful with this skill because when you smelled a walker—

Ooh! Gross! You cringed, plugging your nose quickly. The overwhemling scent of death washed over you and it wasn’t a pretty one, either. You could smell blood and the rotting carcass of a couple walkers not too far off. You began to grow fearful as you trotted through the woods now, trying to get there quicker. What if Carl had gotten bitten? You were running now.

You saw in the distance a couple of walkers hovering over a dead elk and feeding on it. Well, at least that was the blood you could smell. You wanted relief to wash over you but you didn’t feel it just yet when you noticed two figures approaching the walkers, wielding their weapons. It was Carl and the man from earlier this week. Letting out a short-lived curse, you began to walk up to them, quickening your pace once you noticed one of the walkers snarl at Carl. Then, it tried to push him to the ground. You were sprinting, feeling adrenaline rush through your blood. More walkers began to appear from behind the trees and Carl was pushed to the ground.

“No!” You screamed, drawing your machete and immediately slicing through the soft and mushy skull of the walker. It fell limply on Carl and you drew the other walkers away from him. The dirty man who Carl and you helped a week earlier was too pre-occupied with some of the walkers to look at you. Eventually killing them all, you sighed and raced over to Carl. Bending down and tossing the body off of him, you straddled his lap as he lay on the ground, panting out of fear. You saw blood covering his shirt and you lifted it up frantically, looking around his body.

“Carl, are you okay?” You asked him, concerned more than anything. Once you saw his pristine white skin, untouched, you let out a gentle sigh of relief even though it felt like it had crashed into you.

“Y-Y/N!” He stuttered. “What’re you—”

“I’m checking to see if you got bitten! Jesus, Carl, why did you do something like that? Are you a dumbass?” You scolded him, gripping the collar of his shirt. The other man watched with wide eyes. “Did you get scratched anywhere? Tell me _now_.”

“No! I’m fine!” He said, pushing you off of him. “I could’ve handled it.”

“No, don’t be an idiot. You would’ve gotten bitten if it weren’t for me.” You turned to him, retorting. “Believe me, I enjoyed last night but I didn’t think it would be my last night with my fiance!” You pointed an accusing finger in his face, then turned to the stranger with a sweet and innocent smile.

“Hi, I’m Y/N. I’m Carl’s fiance and currently his worst nightmare.”

“Siddiq.” He answered shortly, looking at you. He eyeballed your skirt and you knew he was probably wondering what you were doing out here in the walker-infesed woods with so much exposed skin. Sticking out your hand to him, he reluctantly shook it.

“I assume Carl already asked you to join Alexandria.” You glared at your fiance. He frowned right back at you. “Well, come on. It’s not far.”

* * *

You were still pissed at Carl and you didn’t believe him. You caught him off guard that night when he walked out of the shower with a towel around his waist, holding bandages to wrap his eye in. You stormed up to him and took his damp arms, examining them.

“Y/N?” He asked you. “I thought you weren’t talking to me.”

“I wasn’t.” You said, now examining his chest, stomach, and back. “I’m just making sure you didn’t get scratched.”

“If I did, I would have a fever by now. Believe me, I’m alright.”

“So you admit you needed my help?” You said, your eyes meeting his.

“No.” He said. “And you would’ve just brought Siddiq into Alexandria if I hadn’t told you to use the sewers.”

“Carl!” You shouted angrily. “You needed my help! You left the house early in the morning to go looking for that guy and you risked your life. If I hadn’t been there, you’d be… you’d be writing letters to everyone saying what you want for the future! You’d be playing with Judith and painting with her and showing her how much you’re going to miss her. You’d finally want to tie the knot…” You listed off, feeling yourself grow emotional. You turned away and sat down on the bed, wiping your face. Carl sighed and sunk down beside you, pulling you into his bare chest.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I’ve just… been so stressed because of this war. I think it’s finally all coming to an end, though. Do you want to get married?”

“Yes.” You said weakly. “Please.”

“Then, let’s do it tomorrow night.”

“What? I need a dress.” You laughed, looking up at him. A new excitement was sparked deep in your chest and you could tell he felt the same, his long hair covering his face wound as he stared down at you lovingly.

“I think you’ll look perfect no matter what.” He pressed a kiss to your lips, but you deepened it desperately trying to feel his warmth. Your fingers traced down from his abdomen to his towel, unwrapping it from his waist and exposing him completely. “Ahh, hey,” Carl said in an embarrassed tone. You found it cute how he still grew nervous around you when he was naked. “didn’t we do it last night?”

“Mmm, yeah. Are you telling me you don’t want to do it again?”

“I-I’m not saying that, it’s just… I don’t know if I have anything left in me.”

“We’ll find out.”

“Wait,” Carl stopped you after you took your shirt off. You paused and watched his gaze linger over your bra then back up to your face. “let me put on my bandages first.”

“You don’t need to.” You said, sitting up on your knees so you could reach his height. Your arms were wrapped around him, keeping him still in place.

“You know I don’t like my—”

Kissing his right cheek, you lingered close to his wound. You pressed warm kisses around the area, trying not to hurt him. “I think it’s sexy.” You replied before you began to trail your kisses down to his neck, sucking and biting him tenderly. He let out a soft moan, lifting up his hands and cupping your breasts in each one. You sat back, allowing him to fondle them.

Reaching behind you, he unclipped your bra skillfully and placed it down, his warm and calloused hands now racing across the mounds of your S/C breasts. He gently pinched a bud between his index and thumb, causing your breath to hitch in your throat.

“I know you like my boobs.” You breathed steadily, watching his childlike wonder-filled eyes stare at your exposed body.

“Yeah…” He trailed away, looking back up into your eyes and kissing you. You weren’t expecting him to do that but you felt so happy and blissful once you reciprocated the gesture. He laid you back on the bed, tugging down your skirt and filling your skin with his warm embraces and lips. Another night, he made love to you and you couldn’t ask for anything better.

You didn’t know what the next day would entail, but it would be full of fear and heartache.

* * *

The next day began as normal as you imagined it would. People milled around but you could sense an overall tensity that hung over the community of Alexandira like a dark and lingering cloud. Rick had taken most of their soldiers and demanded that you and Carl stay behind to take care of the community while most of their brawns were gone.

You were playing with Judith, actually painting with her when you saw Carl walk up on the porch.

“Hey.” He simply said, sitting down next to you and Judith.

“Hey back.” You replied, supporting Judith on your lap. She finally glanced up from her painting and grinned, waving her blue and red hands at Carl.

“Carl!” She giggled and he laughed, patting her blonde curly hair.

“Hey there, Jude.” He watched her return to her finger painting. She asked him at some point to press his handprint on the canvas, so he did so, having purple paint coated all over his fingers. He then touched your nose playfully, smearing some on you. You laughed and did the same to him but with yellow paint. Judith laughed hysterically once she saw the two of you play-fighting with the paint.

“So, what’s up? Why aren’t you on watch?” You asked Carl, who still had the obnoxious marigold-colored paint smudged on his cheek.

“Someone’s covering for me for thirty minutes. Lunch break.”

“Oh.” You nodded. “Then maybe we should go eat some lunch?” You suggested with a small smile. He nodded before he stood up, helping you and Judith up before walking inside the house. You seated Judith at the table and cleaned her face and hands with a wet rag, then turned around and did the same for Carl but a bit more sensually and with casual flirtatious glances.

You made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for all three of you and you all ate together. Something striked you as familiar and you looked at the scene overall. The way Carl played with Judith sneakily even at the dining table, the way he wiped jelly from the side of her mouth, the way you all sat together laughing and joking…

...it made you think of the future.

You watched the two, propping your chin in your palm and watching as the scene played out.

“What?” Carl asked with an amused grin on his face, snapping you back into reality. You shrugged and gave him a small smile.

“You’re going to make a great dad.” You replied, which made his entire face go red. Even though you had already previously gotten pregnant, you thought after all this time maybe you’d be ready finally. Things were going somewhat stable.

What you didn’t know was that at the Sanctuary, the Saviors and your people shot at one another ferociously. A war was waging on rampantly and nobody here had the slightest clue just yet.

Throughout the day, it progressively grew darker. You began to fret that maybe the others just wouldn’t come back. Having put Judith to bed, you went out to go look for Carl, who was found walking away from the gate. You figured his shift was over and you raced up to him, jogging.

“Hey, any sight of them?” You asked him. He shook his head, sighing as he glanced over his shoulder at the gate.

“No, nothing. Dad said it might take awhile, so I’m not surprised.”

“Are you worried?”

“Of course I am.” He deflated slightly like a balloon. “He’s my dad, I’m always going to be worried.”

“But he was a cop before all this.” You grinned. “He knows exactly what he’s doing, Carl. You need to stop worrying so much about him when you need to worry about yourself.”

“Myself?” He chuckled, shrugging. “I’m not that important. He’s the leader of everyone here—”

“Shut it.” You scolded, wagging a finger toward him. “You are just as important. He may be the leader of this community, but that only makes you an heir. Someday, you’ll be in his shoes protecting those you love.”

“I just don’t do anything as drastic as him.” Carl said, looking down at his feet. “I feel… uncomparable to him.”

“Noo!” You quickly said, taking his hands. “You are so strong and wild, Carl. That’s what I love so much about you. If you want to feel more like a leader, then try following his steps. I’ll be right beside you the whole way.”

“Thank you, Y/N.” He smiled slowly, his cheeks tinting pink. He took your face and pulled you into a kiss, sighing passionately before he eventually pulled away. “Hey, do you think that maybe tonight we could… you know..?”

“Jesus, again, Carl?” You placed your hands on your hips. “We’ve done it two days in a row.”

“No, I mean,” He laughed loudly, waving his hand, “did you forget already? We were going to get married tonight.”

“Oh my God, were you serious?” You asked him, your eyebrows raising. “I don’t want to have a wedding without your dad, you know that.”

“Good point. In that case, can we do what you were thinking?”

You punched him in the arm and he let out a boyish laugh, leaning in for a kiss before a rumbling caught him off guard, interrupting your moment with your fiance. Both of you glancing toward the gate, you saw many pairs of headlights that would’ve been comforting if you didn’t hear a loud series of banging. Both you and him whirled to face the gate, hearing a familiar voice.

“You may be wondering why the hell your lookouts didn’t sound the alarm. See, we are polite. I mean, I don’t know when they’re gonna wake up from that kinda shot, but they should wake up. So let’s just cut through the cow shit— you lose. It’s over. So you’re gonna line up in front of your little houses and you’re gonna work up some apologies, and the person with the lamest one is gonna get killed. Then, I kill Rick in front of everybody and we move on. You have three— count ‘em— three minutes to open this gate or we start bombing the shit out of you.”

Negan’s rambling rant had sent chills down your spine. Surely he wasn’t serious, right? He knew about the innocent people inside these walls. He knew about you, Carl, Judith… all here… so why was he threatening to do this? You exchanged glances with Carl and saw Michonne not too far off. Negan’s whistle began to echo through the loud speaker he was using.

“Go get Judith.” Carl demanded to you, his eyes stern. “Round everybody up and get them into the sewer immediately.”

“But—” You began, not wanting to leave Carl’s side at such a delicate time.

“Go!” He shouted, causing you to retaliate and turn around, racing back towards the house. Anyone you passed by, you told them the location of the sewer entrance and they nodded, spreading the word quietly. In the back of your mind, you began to count three minutes.

2:37 seconds. You were racing through Alexandria at a frantic pace, stopping to tell anyone you saw to spread the word about the sewer. They would nod and run off, leaving you to either find more people or continue on your path to get Judith.

2 minutes on the dot. You heard Negan’s voice from the loud speaker talk about working up those apologies into songs or poems. You couldn’t think about that now. You wondered what Carl was doing or what his plan was, but you hoped it would be a good one.

1:49 seconds. You got inside the house, barging up the stairs. You whisked Judith into your arms, taking her blanket and you grabbed your backpack before you headed back down the stairs. You wouldn’t make it in time, you knew, to the sewers. A part of you felt nothing but dread.

1 minute. Negan screamed into the microphone, causing chills to run along your body. You slammed the front door to your house and said a silent goodbye as you tried to sprint with the extra weight of Judith. She was bawling loudly, of course, because she was confused. You tried to speak to her gently as you headed towards the sewers, but the speaking had distracted you. You fell, twisting your ankle so that you landed on your back and Judith was safe. You groaned in pain.

30 seconds. You were lying on the ground, still recovering from the sudden pain of a twisted ankle. You sat up, Judith sobbing, and tried to regain your surroundings. Your time had run clean out. Just then, you saw a familiar figure standing atop the guard tower right outside the gate.

“Everybody hold your fire.” Echoed Negan’s voice as your blurred eyes made out the figure of your beloved fiance. What was he doing? He could possibly be buying everyone more time to get free… but you listened to their conversation, wobbling up to your feet. You had shushed Judith to the point where her crying became softer and you saw people still scatter across Alexandria, racing in all different directions. You even saw Rosita and Tara and the others make way for a different direction.

“Carl?” You asked, drawing closer. You stepped forward but nearly fell over due to the immeasurable amount of pain sparking up your left leg. Your call was weak and he hadn’t heard you.

“Kill me!” Carl shouted and your blood ran ice cold.

“No!” You said, raising your voice. You tried to draw closer, but your foot hurt too damn much and you knew you had to get Judith safe down into the sewers. Carl’s plan had been that nobody would be left behind in Alexandria and you couldn’t give that away, so you clamped your mouth tightly and listened to him speak.

“If— If me dying could stop this, if it can make things different… for us, for you, for all those other kids… it’d be worth it.”

Tears streamed down your face as you listened to him. Why was he so persistent on saying something like that? You knew Negan didn’t have the courage to kill Carl, but you couldn’t promise it. Negan was also a cold-blooded killer and taking Carl as revenge would be the perfect ploy. You could imagine it now: Negan looking down, ashamed and pondering what his next action will be. You silently prayed that he would have enough sense to decline the offer.

You heard trucks suddenly ram through the back wall of Alexandria, drawing your attention away from Carl. The next moment you glanced over your shoulder, he was already gone. You frowned and looked around, trying to look for your beloved fiance, but he was nowhere to be found. You stumbled around and heard in the distance the sound of a cry. You looked to the source and saw a woman lying on the ground. Hobbling up to her, you had to frantically pull her up and steady her, trying to walk back with her to the sewers.

You heard the aggravated yelling of Negan and you knew that he was pissed. Suddenly, an explosion shook the earth around the three of you and you glanced to your side, watching an entire tree light up in flames. Another explosion sounded behind you and you fell again, cradling Judith’s head. She was screaming now.

“Judith, it’s okay!” You said, curling over her like a protective shield. “We’re gonna get to the sewers, right?” You then turned to look for the woman, but she was racing away in the opposite direction. “No!” You yelled, but it was too late. The ground around her ignited as a bomb landed where she was headed straight into. She disappeared into the flames. The world around you bright, smoky, and hot, you tried to sit up with Judith.

“Sewers… sewers…” You mumbled to yourself, trying to haul yourself up. The smoke was choking and blinding you and you were beginning to feel faint, but you stood up. You covered Judith’s mouth with a rag, trying to filter out the smoke so she wouldn’t inhale any of it. She winced and buried her face in yours as buildings exploded not too far off.

You were terrified.

You had nestled behind a building, trying to stay away from the smoky roads. It was almost too difficult to see through them and you wanted to desperately find the sewers, but you were rendered unable to. Hacking and coughing, your eyes stung and your lungs felt shriveled.

“Judith…” You whispered, looking at her. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” She quietly replied. You sighed relief and pet her hair.

“We’ll be okay. We’ll be back with daddy and Carl soon, okay? You don’t have to be scared.” You tried to soothe her, but she was red in the face from crying so much. “Sweetheart…” You sighed, wiping her face. “It’ll be alright.”

She didn’t seem to believe you. Neither did you. Standing up, you had to keep moving otherwise you both would catch aflame. You stood back up, your foot screaming in pain but you kept moving on. Rounding the walls, you knew it wasn’t the best idea, but a glint caught your eye. A grate glinting on the ground had forced you to move faster, picking it up and moving it aside. You sighed relief, happy to have found an entrance but unsure how to travel through the tunnels. You moved down the ladder, enveloping quickly in darkness. You moved the grate back over your head as you landed in water.

Sloshing around, you moved down the dim tunnels. Occasionally, there would be little lanterns placed on the walls, but they wouldn’t do much for you. Judith whined about the dark and you brushed her curly blonde hair, trying to soothe her.

“We’re safe down here.” You tried to convince her, limping. Your pain began to grow to be too much so you sat down in a relatively less damp place. You allowed her to stand and stretch her legs, but you knew you were completely alone in this maze… if only you could find the others. Shutting your eyes, you took a short breather.

It was about five or ten minutes later that you kept on walking, holding Judith’s hand now and waddling by her side. You then saw a person up ahead. Wanting to get their attention, you turned a corner and saw a whole row of people. They gazed up at you and immediately relaxed once they saw it was you.

A familiar dream came rushing all back to you. You recalled your dream from months ago where you walked down this very sewer, seeing the faces of the people you loved and recognized. You saw Siddiq up ahead and then you felt an awful pit in your stomach. You remembered in your dream that Carl was bitten on the stomach. Approaching Siddiq, he smiled at you warmly and nodded to his left, where Carl sat in the dim light. You immediately fell to his side, wrapping your arms tightly around him. He looked exhausted. You quickly then lifted up his shirt, examining his stomach but… nothing was there.

“What are you doing?” Carl croaked with an amused smile. You only gave him a relieved kiss.

“Nothing… don’t worry.” You said, resting your head on his shoulder. Judith also approached him, hugging him. He returned the gesture to his little sister, kissing the side of her head. Judith then visited Daryl, who opened his arms to her and embraced her, allowing her to fall asleep in his arms as explosions sounded above you all. Sitting by his side, you spoke fervently but hardly audibly to Carl, not wanting to break the silence.

“There goes our wedding.” You whispered to him, holding his hand and squeezing it.

“I know.” Carl chuckled, his voice low also.

“Carl?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you want Negan to kill you?”

He fell silent.

“Carl, answer me.”

“I was just stalling him.”

“And what if he did?”

“He wouldn’t have.”

Glancing into his gaze, you noticed something you hadn’t seen before. Maybe he was so fatigued and sweaty that maybe you just didn’t really notice it before, but you saw an innermost sorrow that made your heart wrench. You heard footsteps and Michonne and Rick came into view, silently celebrating their reunion with everyone before all of you waited out the bombing up above.


End file.
